Sunday, October 11, 2009

Oh my...

It has been 7 months since I last updated my blog - for shame! So much has happened but instead of prattling on for countless paragraphs I'll give you a month by month breakdown of what's been happening.

-March: Things begin to fall apart professionally and personally. The man I had been seeing left for Europe and through a series of communications I understood where our involvement stood. It wasn't what I wanted so we remained friends. My freelance work took a nosedive and I began contemplating finding new clients.

-April: Everything went to hell and not in a neat, tidy little handbasket either. My love life was non-existent but my most pressing concern was my freelance work/client/income situation. My one client (who was taking up 80% of my time and producing 80% of my freelance income) decided to change the nature of our relationship. I decided to change too - I stopped working with them.

I discovered it was time to let go of my old career and move on to something new. What is what yet I wasn't entirely sure but I knew my general direction.

-May: I went to Ireland for 20 days. It was magic. It was mothering. It was nurture. It was beauty. It was love. It was peace...serenity...emotional cleansing and healing. All wrapped up in a gorgeous, green island.

I also fell in love but had to part with him when I left. It was heart-wrenching and I still miss him.

At the end of the month I returned to the States and decided I would move to Ireland for graduate school where I would study to become a therapist.

I also began therapy this month. -June: I began the painful process of unwrapping myself from Ireland. I felt as though I had finally found my mother after 33 years of searching...and then I had to leave. It felt akin to being taken from the womb much, much too early in my developmental life.

-July: I moved 2 doors down and let the realization of another year in Boulder settle into my bones. I decided it was good, great even, this is where I am needed right now. Ireland will come.

-August: Decided on a graduate school in Ireland. Realized I couldn't get in to my chosen school. Found another graduate school and discovered it is the right one for me. Had some magical dreams which came true in September. -September: Therapy continued. I unlocked and began healing some very deep-rooted hurts from my relationship with my birth mother. The healing transcended me and touched her as she reached out to me for the first time in over 10 years. It was an incredibly profound month. I began to mother myself as I would have liked to have been mothered.

-October: The healing continues, therapy continues and my income continues to meet my needs (a very pressing concern since Aprils' post-marketing client release). I have released many old demons, let new or deeply-buried ones surface or resurface as necessary. All my feelings flow in and out and around. I gently watch and touch their structure as necessary.

As of now I am on a beautiful journey of self, of personal healing and of feminine inspiration, liberation and exploration. I didn't discuss the details of how I came to my new path because that's neither here nor there. But my new path is about evolving the woman in me so she can express herself, release what doesn't serve her, nurture herself (and younger selves) so that she may walk upright in this world while holding herself and others in love, beauty and courage.

My new path is about the journey I have been on for the last 33 years, how I have become the woman I am both today and the woman I will be tomorrow and about showing other women how they can cope, heal and ultimately not just survive but thrive because of their relationship with their mother figures.

My path is a gift and a blessing that has long felt to me to be a heavy, heavy cross and at times an unbearable, life-crushing weight that smothered my own existence. I no longer feel that soul-punishing despair I felt as an infant, a child, an adolescent and as a young woman.

I won't say I have freed myself entirely but I have begun to examine the chains of my oppression. I see which ones I can lift today and tomorrow I lift some more. The day after a few more. But most importantly I realize I have the power to lift all chains and in fact I realize I have created all the chains oppressing me.

And in that realization there is a liberating peace that eases my soul, nourishes my body and comforts my mind.

So yes I've been a bit busy the last 7 months. :)

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Another roller coaster ride

I haven't really updated in over a month and there's good reason: life has been an amazing ride of late. Well it's always an amazing ride but it's been more apparent in the last few weeks.

We'll start with my career and then move onto the romance department (save the best for last you know)... I've felt as though I was at a standstill in the last month in terms of my career. I'm still apprenticing with Shaune Clarke and it's terrific. I write a few SEO articles for him every week and I get to learn a lot in the process. It's terrific and I enjoy it.

But I want more. My contract with Optibike has been cut down by 2/3 so consequently my income has gone down temporarily. I've reached out to a few people I've done work for and have gotten some projects that way.

But again I want more. I want to teach, coach and train. I had been coaching a former student for a month but she has had to go in another direction.

So I'm looking for places to teach and will be submitting some proposals this week to the Boulder Valley School District. It should be fun to teach again although I'm not feeling completely excited. I need new material and a new direction. I'm not sure what direction that is but I'm open to possibilities. So here's to new doors opening!

In a related note, I have booked my ticket for Ireland. I'm going to celebrate my birthday in one of the loveliest places I can imagine! I'm incredibly excited to go there and explore. I have to admit it took some guts for me to buy the ticket because I've only saved up enough to pay for the flight - I still have to create the money for food and lodging. It took a leap of faith but I went for it!

To make it easier I'll be working while I'm there because I'm using it as an experimental type trip. I want to see what it's going to take for me to work remotely and work abroad.

Naturally I haven't worked out the logistics - I'm not sure Optibike or Streamline will let you me work while I'm there but if they won't then I'm going to line up other clients. I really will have to since I'm going to be in Ireland for 18 days. We shall see how it happens but that's the intention I'm setting!

So that's my work update. On to my love life...

February began with 2 guys in my life: Scorpio and Pisces is how we'll refer to them. (Both water signs - interesting eh?!) The Scorpio was his usual self: fun, sexy and withdrawn emotionally. We'll talk about him more a bit later.

The Pisces was a new guy who I had met last summer. He lasted 3 dates and got the boot when he talked smack about my friends.

He just wasn't my cup of tea so I ended things with him - that was my first break up with a boy in a long, long time. Normally I just ignore them til they go away or wait for them to stop seeing me. About 90% of the time it's the latter.

I have to admit I did celebrate my courage for ending things with him in a reasonably mature and adult manner. :)

Now on to the Scorpio man. We had a very interesting month together. At some point there was a shift on the emotional side of things. I think it was a series of events - his racquetball accident, an incredibly fun night out for one of his friends (a birthday celebration) and some opening up on my part.

As we all know opening up is not the easiest thing for me and its extra EXTRA hard with him because he doesn't open up often nor easily.

In fact I tend to get very intellectual around him and have to consciously tap into my heart center. It can be challenging and February was no exception.

We started the month off with a Super Bowl party at his house (he's a huge Steelers fan) and continued to see each other at least weekly (sometimes more often) throughout the month.

Without going into too much detail about all of those events we'll skip ahead to the last few days with him. He's been planning a 3 month trip to Europe for awhile now and March 3rd was his leave date. So we had a farewell bash for him at the end of February and it was pretty crazy. I went out to meet him at 7pm and came back to my house the next morning at 7am. It was nutty but it was fun...and definitely a send-off worthy of him.

But he and I had one last farewell the night before he left. I helped him move and pack up his house for a few hours. While it was a tough night for me emotionally - I knew I would miss him and a few people called or stopped by to say their good-byes too which just made want to cry all the more! - it was great to see him for a few hours before his adventure began.

After a few hours of packing and cleaning we got everything done and he was ready to go. I told him I was leaving and we said our good-byes. We hugged, kissed and as I held in my tears, he told me he loved me.

To say that I was surprised would be an understatement. Shocked, amazed and full of wonder would be other adjectives and phrases I'd use to describe my feelings as well.

Naturally I said it back. I really meant it because I miss him. My heart longs for him and it feels like someone's tugging at the corners of it when I think about him.

But I'm also incredibly excited for him and for this journey he's on. After the difficult year or two he had in '07 and '08 these 3 months are exactly what his heart and soul need. I know that and I feel that which makes the longing a little easier to bear.

While I have no idea what will happen next I do know I care for him with all of my heart and I'll cherish the memories we had before he left.

When he comes back in June he's moving to Denver which also complicates things. It's only 40 minutes away but it adds another dimension to the involvement: if we decide to get together it takes a bit more planning and effort. So again I have no idea what the future holds but I'm happy for the way we parted. :)

Monday, January 05, 2009

2008 - A Year in Review

Ok I completely LOVE surveys so here's one about a look back at 2008! Some of these questions are cheesy but I like cheesy. :)

1. Was 2008 good for you? Of course it was. It was outstanding in some respects.

2. What was your favorite moment of the year? Just one?! Seriously?!!! Moving into my new place is near the top of the list...joining the Optibike team was another...all of my CI dances were amazing...and a few others I won't mention here.

3. What was your worst moment of the year? Probably breaking up with Texas. It was hard.

4. Where were you when 2008 began? Where was I when 2008 began...I think I was in Wisconsin with my family. *sigh* I miss them so much it makes my heart ache.

5. Who were you with? See #4 - my family.

6. Where will you be when 2008 ends? Um it already did. I was at home in bed by myself. It's definitely not my favorite memory of 2008!

7. Did you keep your new years resolution of 2008? I don't make resolutions. I set goals and I go after them. I achieved a few - I got another freelance client; I fell in love and I moved to Boulder (where I was not living until mid-January of 2008).

8. Do you have a new years resolution for 2009? I have 3 goals for 2009: replace my Gunbarrel job with income from teaching and facilitating. I am going to Ireland to celebrate my birthday. I am participating in a copywriting coaching program in 2009.

9. Did you fall in love in 2008? Yes absolutely.

10. If yes, with who? We're only using codenames here - it was Texas.

11. Are you still in love? No.

12. Did you breakup with anyone in 2008? Yes hence the reason I am no longer in love with him.

13. Did you make any new friends in 2008? Quite a few actually.

14. Who are your favorite new friends? This sounds like a question for junior high kids. ;) My dancing friends and my roommate - they are my favorite new friends.

15. What was your favorite month of 2008? Well duh May of course - it's my birthday month. I also enjoyed October quite a bit as I always do. It's my 2nd favorite month.

16. Why this month? I already answered that question in #15.

17. Did you travel outside of the US (or your home country) in 2008? Sadly no but I will in 2009!

18. How many different places did you travel to in 2008? Not many, it was a slow year for me travel-wise.

19. Did you miss anybody in the past year? Wow I really wish I could remember where I got these questions because they sound like something you'd think up if you were 13 and trying to pass the time in your lame *ss junior high Composition class. Yes I missed quite a few people in 2008.

20. What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2008? I have no idea...wait yes I do: Twilight. Well not really - Rob Pattinson is just flippin' hot. I enjoyed Benjamin Button. I watched quite a few Bond movies and loved them all except Thunderball which has to be lamest Bond movie EVER.

21. What was your favorite song from 2008? 

Seriously? One song? I dunno - anything by David Gray, Steve Carlson or Norah Jones. I'm sure there are others but only those are coming to mind.

22. How many concerts or plays did you see in 2008? A bunch.

23. Did you have a favorite concert in 2008? No.

24. What was your favorite book in 2008? Duh, Twilight at least in the fiction realm...Midnight Sun doesn't qualify because it's still being written. After that I'd have to say Goddesses and Angels by Doreen Virtue. There are tons of others in the non-fiction realm - I'm a very avid reader.

25. How many people did you sleep with in 2008? What?! You think I'm going to post that on the Internet? You're nuts.

26. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? Nope. I'm not ashamed of things I do - I always know I'm doing the best I can at any moment in time.

27. What was the biggest lie you told in 2008? I rarely lie.

28. Did you treat somebody badly in 2008? Well yes - most of my fellow drivers. I hate how most other people drive!

29. Did somebody treat you badly in 2008? Yes...there were 3 in particular but we won't name names.

30. What was your proudest moment of 2008? Quitting my crappy job...landing my gig with Optibike...writing for Dr. Mercola's web site every month...teaching my first writing classes and finding out people actually enjoyed them!

31. What was your most embarrassing moment of 2008? Oh heavens I say stupid crap almost's my Gemini in Mercury retrograde. I have flighty blonde moments a lot.

If you could go back to any moment of 2008 and change something, what would it be?

33. Where did you work in 2008? Sports Authority, a web marketing firm in Gunbarrel, Optibike in North Boulder and for myself.

Favorite TV shows(s) of 2008? Supernatural. I also like Secret Millionaire on Fox.

35. Favorite Band(s) of 2008? See earlier question about favorite song.

36. Favorite Food in 2008? I always love food regardless of what year it is.

37. Favorite Drink in 2008? Beer is good. I've been introduced to soda water as well and it's quite yummy.

38. Favorite Place in 2008? I spent my birthday at a retreat/spa called Shoshoni. It was amazing.

 39. Favorite person(s) to be with in 2008? Everyone who is currently in my life. :)

40. Favorite person(s) to talk to in 2008? Everyone who is currently in my life. :)

41. Favorite trip in 2008? Ahhh probably the hair-raising adventure to Nederland last month.

42. Favorite stores in 2008? Nordstrom's Rack and DSW but I'm not much of a shopping queen.

43. Hardest thing you had to go through in 2008? Breaking up with TX and being in CO for Christmas (sans my immediate fam).

44. Most exciting moment(s) in 2008? There were tons of 'em...too many to recap.

45. Funniest moment(s) in 2008? I think there were a lot of those too!

Post-holiday letdown

In my last update (or one of the my last updates), I shared that this would be my first holiday season in Colorado. I would not be joining the rest of my family and friends in Wisconsin.

I did stay in Boulder for the holiday season and it was very low-key and relaxed. In fact it was almost nourishing and I felt much calmer and more centered than I have during any other holiday season. It was nice.

I didn't do much of anything - visited my friend in Fort Collins and lounged on the couch. Of course I was sick the entire week after Christmas so that added to my lounging. But overall it was just a much simpler Christmas than I've ever had.

Would I do it all over again? Yes. Will I do it again next year? Hard to say. I missed my family so very much, it hurts my heart to think about them. But it was wonderful to not have to be around tons of married couples and kids. I mean that in a kind way - it's very difficult to be around people who have what I want and haven't managed to find. It's like being on a diet and being in a roomful of chocolate cake (or whatever your favorite food happens to be). It's tough to see what you don't have but truly want...and NOT be affected by seeing it.

I'm not sure that accurately conveys my feelings but it's the best way I can explain.

But now I find myself in a bit of a post-holiday slump. 2009 is here and I am feeling reticent to fully embrace this year with open arms.

I'm feeling a bit disoriented and distracted by my everyday life - like why I am going to a job I don't really like? Why am I even attempting to date? What is my real purpose in this lifetime? Am I on the right track? Am I any good at what I do?

I don't have the answers to all of those questions. I'm not sure I have the answers to ANY of those questions!! But I am searching because that's what I do. And my Taurus/Capricorn tenacity won't let me stop til I find the answers...or uncover them from within as it were.

Some of my angst stems from an opportunity I have that I feel I may have to postpone due to finances. I have the chance to be a part of a copywriting coaching program. It's fairly expensive as all coaching programs are and I'm certain it's worth the money. But I have access to about 1/10 of the total right now.

And it's a bit daunting to move so quickly on this - I'd need a grand by this Friday. I have maybe half of that right now.

So I am considering making this program an investment in 2009...meaning I would postpone starting this program for the next month or two while I save up at least half of the total.

I'm not even sure that's an option for the person who will be coaching me so I have to check that out as well. This is definitely something I must do in order to move ahead with my copywriting career - there's no question about that - it's simply a matter of when am I going to do it. We'll see.

So that is one part of my angst. The other part contributing to my mood is of course dating.

I think I may be completely out of my element when it comes to the dating world. In some respects I'd be happy to go back to 1905 so I can just be courted. I don't have to worry about calling him, asking him out, etc. Blah.

But seriously who am I kidding? I couldn't deal with being a woman in the early 1900s and having so little independence. So if this is the price I must pay for the prize then so be it, I will.

I met or re-met rather a friend's friend the other night at a party. I thought he was attractive when I met him and after talking with him a bit more I was interested in getting to know him better. It just so happens he lives near my house so we walked home together that night and exchanged phone numbers.

Well the entire week passed and he didn't call. Granted it was the holidays but still...I thought if he was interested he would have called.

So I broke down and sent him a text. We agreed to go out for coffee this week. We'll see if it actually happens though.

I guess I will simply continue to learn my lessons and grow with each passing involvement. Hopefully one will turn into a loving, supportive and worthwhile relationship. :)

And so 2009 is here with the same challenges I've been facing the last few years: love and money.

My commitment is to make myself grow bigger and beyond those challenges - to grow into the challenge of being in a healthy relationship and being an even bigger provider to the world. It's worth a shot!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Emotional Meltdown

So yesterday was not a peak day in the history of my existence. It was overall sub-par but I am still grateful for the experience.

It seems something set off my roommate and he sent me an email detailing all the things he does that I should be grateful for.

Although he may not have intended this it did have a condescending, bitchy tone. Frankly it sounded like a high-strung hysterical woman wrote it. And I was pretty upset when I read it.

He also made a point of telling me he thinks I act like he's my boyfriend and he's NOT (his emphasis).

That part I'm not so sure where it came from ... well I'm not sure where the whole thing came from. It was a very unwelcome emotional outpouring that seemed completely unnecessary and extreme in my opinion. And I take that stance simply because he didn't take much ownership of his emotions and his responses.

He simply put it all on my lap.

While I believe we should all express ourselves I also believe we need to take actions and make changes so whatever caused the upset can be remedied in the future.

In other words I don't believe in bitching just to bitch. Vent, do something about it and get over it.

I simply responded to his email by saying I will help out more with this and this around the house, thank you for everything you do.

If I didn't have to live with him for at least 4 more months I would've said other things using very choice words. But I took the mature route. And I've decided I'm not investing much more in an emotional friendship with him. I can't open up and worry that in another month or two he's going to vent and hurt me again.

And I have absolutely NO desire to see him as anything other than a roommate.

In Other News

And that leads me to other men in my life...or a lack thereof! I spent a bit of time with the Scorpio boy last weekend. I helped him move on Saturday night and for part of Sunday.

I was glad to help because I know how crummy it is to move. And he was appreciative. He bought lunch for me and a friend on Sunday and also invited me to hang out with him after the moving. We went to a local bar and watched football.

I have to stay when he invited me along my jaw nearly hit the floor. I don't think he's ever done that and it was very sweet. I enjoyed hanging out with him. We'll see if it happens again but regardless it was a pleasant surprise.

And those are the surprises I like! :)

That's about it for now. I'll post again before the end of the year - perhaps with a top 10 highlights of the year post? That'd be fun!!

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Week #4

Here we are - Week Four of The Presence Process.

I have experienced a great deal of challenges in the past week. In fact I cried during almost every meditation last week - it was exhausting and emotionally brutal on many levels.

I almost made the tough decision to stay in Colorado for Christmas. It is my first holiday without my family and it pulls at my heart.

But it was a necessary step for me. I need to stay in CO to save money and for some other reason I haven't been able to articulate. Something inside of me is saying to be here over the holidays...not sure of the reason but I am going to listen to my own inner voice. And that's a practice I am doing more and more of lately.

Sometimes I marvel at how little I heed my own desires/internal voice - and how often I do what I think other people want me to do.

I am beginning to truly understand that when we all follow our own paths, our own callings...then we can all be present in our lives and achieve an authentic life for ourselves.

I knew that on an intellectual level but I am finally feeling it inside of my body (and being the Taurus/Capricorn Earth sign that I am I have to feel something before I can truly understand it).

In other news, I have none. ;) No boys. I went out on a few dates over the last few weeks but none of them seem to be leaning towards a romantic involvement. They are all nice guys who I will be friends with but for various reasons I doubt they will become more.

One is a friend who just moved here. I think he smokes so he's out! I can tolerate a lot but that's a dealbreaker for me. ;)

The other is the drummer boy from last year. I asked for what I wanted (just some time to hang out) and I've gotten no response. So there's my answer! HA! It's all right. He's a good guy.

The other guy is also a friend who just isn't compatible in a romantic way.

Back to square one in that department which is fine. I believe in letting doors close so new ones can open. I'm looking for the new one!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Last Fall Revisited

So during the course of November there's a certain X who has come back into my life... or at least he was I have no clue where we are at right now.

The drummer I dated briefly last fall/winter is calling again.

It started off with Facebook (because really doesn't everything happen on Facebook...) and then a series of naughty messages. Those messages led to an encounter (we revisited one of our favorite shared past times: movies of a certain kind, you fill in the blank) which led to another encounter at my house. Then there was a 3rd interaction on his kitchen counter followed by a let's hang out and have a drink and talk for awhile evening which ended on his couch again.

The really interesting thing is that each of these interludes has become more intimate in some way. I've seen more of him in the last three weeks (from an emotional standpoint) then I ever saw all of last year.

I'm not sure what to make of it, of him or of what I want from him. It's all still a bit new and at times intriguing.

And other times (like when we don't talk for a few days) it's not as intriguing.

At this point I am entertaining the option of getting to know him better on more than just a superficial level. The real trick is how to let him know I'd like to hang out without being my usual forceful and direct self. He doesn't seem to respond well to that - he's a Scorpio which is a fixed Water sign. I'm a Taurus which is a fixed Earth sign. For non-astro peeps that means neither of us likes to be told what to do or to feel like we are being given orders/directives.

I think a casual movie night might be a good "in" so I have contacted him but have had no response. We'll see what happens.

All I know for sure is that there is a reason he's back - there was something I didn't learn in the last go-round that I need to learn again and hopefully the same can be said for him. Mary () told me my lesson is to be detached from the outcome while still asking for what I want.

Bless her heart I know she's right but it feels a little easier said than done. ;)

I'll keep you updated.

Chapstick Revelations

The Presence Process is an interesting experience to say the least. Today I was debating over whether or not to take my super fantastic Alba Unpetroleum chapstick (cherry of course) out of my purse and into my pocket when I had a realization.

I considered putting the chapstick into my pocket but hesitated because I was afraid I would forget it tomorrow and then be stuck with my 2nd favorite chapstick: Kiss My Face strawberry.

I realized I do the same thing with the rest of my life: I put off what I know will be enjoyment in the moment for fear I will lose or not regain that enjoyment later on.

Who would've thought chapstick would shed light on my inner workings? Fascinating.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Day 13

Well it's been 10 days since my last update. But at least I am here now! So much has happened in those 10's been a bit overwhelming to be honest.

I've cried almost every day in those 10 days and at times the tears have come from nowhere. They have all had a deep-seated center where they have stemmed from though.

Through a series of realizations (or what TPP calls "reflections") I see now that I always put others first in every situation. Rarely if ever in my life have I exercised my own voice, my own resonance and my own purpose (more on purpose later).

But when I have spoken my truth it has been liberating, joyful and incredibly powerful.

The few examples I can give you include moving to Colorado, moving to Boulder and choosing writing as my lifelong profession.

I haven't always gone into each of these situations with a full acknowledgment of my purpose and my intent - at least not a fully conscious acknowledgment - but it has always been there. And each of those decisions have been so transformative there can be little doubt that they were authentic decisions.

In essence what I am trying to say (in my somewhat blathering explanation) is that these decisions have been in line with what my heart and soul told me is my purpose.

Today I was at a coffee shop reading a book called "The Power of Purpose" and within a few short chapters I realized I have been on a quest to find my purpose. Reading the words the author shares and the stories he weaves I began to understand 2009 is going to be a powerful year for me. I am leaving my 3 day PT job to focus on copywriting on a full-time basis. I am going to teach somewhere in some capacity at least 1 day per week and I am also going to take a few weeks (or months) and travel.

My heart longs to see the world and I have denied it for far too long. I have always let money or other people be obstacles on that path. There will be no more obstacles, I am removing them and I am following my bliss.

Right now the only thing I know for sure is that my bliss involves much more writing, teaching and traveling.

No longer will I stifle my own voice, my own hopes and my own passions for anyone else. No one.