Love Is...

Remember how I struggled with some questions around love last week?

I found this quote today in my email Inbox and I found it to be very soothing and comforting.


"Love possesses not nor will it be possessed,

for love is sufficient unto love."

--Kahlil Gibran


Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet is one of my favorite books ever printed. I simply love it and think the words are some of the most beautiful ever conceived, ever thought and ever written.

Bold statement I know but it is an amazing book!

Therapy

Tonight is my first night of therapy at DU. We'll see how that goes - it will be nice to have a professional sounding board. I'm so tired of talking to other people about my problems...mainly because most people prefer to blame the world around them versus taking responsibility for their lives.

I was certainly in that mindset even just a few years ago. But I've left that behind and decided it's easier if I take accountability for my results.

Anyway, my point is most people don't understand how I choose to live. And that's fine, I don't ask anyone to follow in my footsteps. I simply ask for respect for my choices and I offer the same in return.

That being said, it gets a bit lonely sometimes.

Saturday night was one of those lonely times. I spent most of the day doing my usual: volunteer work in the morning, grocery shopping and meeting with a client at a coffee shop on Pearl.

Anyway, I went home after all of my errands.

And I stayed there. I was watching movies and camped out by 6pm. It felt comfortable I guess and I finally slowed down after a hectic week.

And I just cried. I watched some movies, I cried.

I read a book, I cried.

It was just a big ole crying fest for some reason. I suppose it helped and I guess I felt better on Sunday since I didn't cry very much. But it certainly didn't change how lonely I felt.

Sunday afternoon I spent with some friends at Chuck E. Cheese and we celebrated their daughter's 5th birthday. It was so fun and I loved playing with both of their girls (who are 3 & 5). But my heart ached when I had to go home and go back to my lonely, empty house.

There was a realization I came to over the weekend. I discovered that TX was one of the few people in my life who knows/knew so much about me, about my philosophies, my beliefs and my life's vision.

He was someone I shared things with almost every day - deep, intimate, personal things.

I let him become a part of my life in many ways and I miss that. I miss sharing my day to day things with him. I miss having that person who cares, who says he cares and shows he cares.

And yes I admit I simply miss having someone to share with but if I wanted just anyone, I could find that. If I wanted someone just for physical intimacy, I could find that easily. Someone to hang out with? Sure, in a heartbeat.

But someone who gives me the space to talk about my deepest fears and my greatest passions and loves? Nope.

I've been looking for him for 8 years and this was the first man I found who gave me all of that. There have been others who have given me bits and pieces here and there but no one else has given me all he did.

But he did give and that's the important lesson to take with me. He gave and so did I. I gave in ways I have never given before and I'm so grateful for all of that!

I am, as always, so grateful for the love I have experienced. To know that I could and did give so much with only hope, respect and love in my heart is a wonderful feeling.

So that is the feeling I choose to hold on to and keep in my heart.

For Every Yesterday, There Is a Today

For all the good yesterday did me, today has been the opposite. I cried before 7:30am, thought about him a lot before noon and accidentally found his first email to me and read a sentence or two before I could click away (stupid brain - always reading).


It has been a hard day and it's just past noon. How am I supposed to go on dates when my insides ache for him? It makes no sense.


I know in my heart this is where we both need to be right now but that doesn't make it easier or make the tears stop. It's best to let them out anyway, gotta deal with feelings somehow or they'll just sit there until you do.


It's such a different break-up. I'm accustomed to men leaving because they acted stupidly or didn't love me, found someone else, etc. All of that I have dealt with.


But walking away from love?


That is the most difficult of all break-ups. It makes my heart hurt. I understand the phrase "gut-wrenching". My insides ache when I think about him.


But with yoga and meditation, I better understand that thoughts are just thoughts. Feelings are feelings and letting go of both becomes much easier. It doesn't mean I've let go of my love for him. I don't have to, it will always be in my heart.


HE will always be in heart.


I take comfort in knowing that. It is a warm, safe place I keep for him filled with love, light, laughter and joy.


And if that safe place exists for him then I can and do hold myself there as well. I create that same feeling for me, for my heart and for all the love I have to share with the world.


There is beauty and truth in that which eases my aches, my tears and my heart.

Busy Bee

Well I have been keeping busy this past week. My workload was exceptionally heavy yesterday - hence no posting here - and this morning was been about the same.


All weeklong I have made plans in the evening so I haven't been sitting at home, feeling lonely and depressed. Keeping my social calendar full has helped somewhat but I still miss him.


The bright spot of today was that I didn't cry til almost noon. That is quite a miracle. :)


The rest of the week is shaping up to be equally busy. Tonight I'm going to yoga and hopefully catching up with a few friends on the phone. Tomorrow night I'm hanging with a few friends and Saturday I have volunteer work plus a meeting with a client to get his marketing plan together and move forward with it.


Sunday will be my day to stay home, cook, clean and be domestic. There is a potluck dinner where I volunteer but I don't know if I will go. It would be good to socialize but we'll see what my energy level is like. Right now, I feel tired.


The week is almost over and it feels good to put a few more days between the break-up and my current life. It just helps me to heal as I allow time to pass.


It also helps when I let go of my attachment to him and just let my heart bask in the love we shared. That's a nice feeling...til my flippin' ego steps in and demands more of it. *sigh* What's a girl to do?! ;) Meditation & yoga that's what.


No revelations the last 2 days. I feel exhausted and need to recover from the mental and emotional strain of the last week so I'm letting my inner dialogue rest now. Although I have decided to go to counseling. DU offers free treatments if you are comfortable with an open session. Open means you meet with a counselor who is in training while certified counselors watch the session (on an open video feed? behind a one-sided glass window? not sure).


I'm fine with all of that - I think it will help me cope with my long-suffering, lifelong plague: abandoment issues. I don't know what else I can do to fix that crap on my own but I have to do something and this is the first thing that appeared. I start next Monday. You'll get a full report. :)


Til then enjoy your week. I wish you peace, love, support and blessings.

Let It Go

Isn't it funny how if someone gives us permission to do something, we feel comfortable doing it - more so than if it's a decision we make by ourselves?


I'm not one for doing things because other people tell me to. Definitely not. I have a stubborn streak a country mile wide and if I dig in my heels, forget it. You aren't getting anywhere with me.


But sweet talk me? Sure I'll help you. Just phrase it properly and if I like you, I'm there in a heartbeat.


Yes I can be handled.


But anyway, that isn't the point of my post.


My point is that often our hearts know exactly what to do but our heads won't let our hearts act. Too much ego and not enough purity of spirit.


I spoke with Mary last night and told her what has happened in the last week (I can barely believe it's only been 7 days - it feels like 7 months if not years). I told her about my big hang up (#2 as we discussed yesterday). And she told me to simply let go.


Just let go of that bile, that fear and that rawness.


It was all I needed to hear and it eased my heart. She is a good soul who tells me what I need to hear (although it is not always what I want to hear)!


She also went out to tell me there's someone else around and as soon as I open my heart, he will show up (she saw water - like he was a Water sign or extra sensitive, etc).


She also told me TX will come back by summer. She said I may have to choose between the two.


I realize for some that's a dream come true but that would be an uncomfortable position for me because it would mean someone would get hurt and it wouldn't be me. That is not a position I've been in very often...perhaps only once or twice in my lifetime have I had to break up with someone or let someone go from my life.


Although the one significant time I did let someone go was my birth mother. I'm not sure I ever stopped to think about whether or not that act hurt her. There's fuel for another post!


As I've said in previous posts, it's rare that I have had to break off a relationship. So I'm comfortable coping with my own pain but hurting someone else? It wrecks me. I'm so empathetic that there are times I can be in a small space with strangers (say an elevator) and I can feel their emotions.


So the intensity of being connected to another person and knowing that I hurt them could be a struggle for me.


Be that as it may, I'll cross that bridge when I get there I suppose.


I'm still taking life one day at a time. Fortunately today is a little easier, a little softer and a little lighter. I can breath better today and I can walk with greater ease & energy.


Part of the ease is Mary's advice and part of it is simply knowing this truth: love is energy (as almost everything is in our Universe) and as such, energy (love) is never created nor destroyed. It simply changes form. That's one of the laws of thermodynamics (the first perhaps?? can't recall exactly and don't feel like Googling it).


I take comfort in knowing love never ceases to exist, it simply changes. And change is good..or so sayeth Taco Bell. God knows I abhor fast food but not Toxic H*ll. It's comfort food for my soul. ;)


Anyway, my point is that I take comfort in knowing the love I have for TX is there as his love for me. It just changed as does life. And that's a good thing. Life is more interesting for that reason. I'll take interesting and I'll take life.

Love's Labors Lost

Once again my friend Mary was right. She said another man would pop up on the scene very quickly and that romance was all around.


Saturday night I got a text message from a guy I went out with last fall. He was part of the at one point 5-man rotation. He wanted to know if I was available. Initially I didn't even want to respond to the message, I would have preferred to deny my current heartache. Instead after finishing Becoming Jane (which is lovely by the way and made me feel like speaking in overdramatic sentences with a British lilt for an entire 24 hours), I responded I was available but am in recovery.


He is nice, funny and treats me well. I have no romantic interest in him however and I explained we could hang out again but just as friends. My heart cannot offer anything more except to myself.


And to prove that statement is true, my initial response to accepting the Airline Boy's offer was to burst into tears. I don't want to go on dates with anyone else. I want Texas ... even though my heart knows I can't be with him. Going on other dates seems to be what I have to do right now.


But what does that say to love I have in my heart for Texas? Does it lessen that love? Does it somehow taint it by resuming dating life so quickly?


Even if it is platonic, it's still technically a date I guess. And I feel guilty for it, for dating again. But I cannot stay home every weekend and ever hope to find a life partner/husband/father of my children. (I want all that in one package - not in a set of 3, just for clarification).


Is that love for Texas lost then? Is it gone for good?


How do you hold on to love after you grieve? Maybe you don't hold on to it - maybe you can't hold on to love itself but the love you feel for the person is always there.


Regardless of those answers, I'm still grieving, this I know. Today my body feels like it's twice its normal size. I feel heavy, slow and almost drunk with lethargy. And I am not drunk just as an aside. ;)


Those are just things I ponder. I know my love for him will always be there but what happens to love after the person leaves? It changes, that I know.


But could it be resumed? Could it be reignited? Or is love really a flame that is extinguished without the oxygen of our attention? Perhaps if it is a flame than the embers simply lie dormant. And if we choose to reignite it in the future we can do so with oxygen (attention) and some additional kindling (dates, romance, heartfelt honesty and talks). I think hope must be there as well.


Mary has suggested that Texas will come back but she has told me if I want to walk away, this is the time to do it.


Do I want to walk away forever? Maybe. It would be easier. But how many times have I ever walked away from something because it was too hard? Not often. It is still a consideration though.


I know she's right on the money. I have had deja vu experiences daily for the last 2 weeks which is always my internal signal that things happening currently are significant. It is my internal bell that says "pay attention to now!"


Regardless of the future, I have to grieve and heal.


There are two big hurdles for me regarding the healing:

1.) I know he is hurting because I know him well and he is beating himself up over everything. His hurt makes me hurt.


2.) The possibility of his reconciliation. If that becomes a reality I hope I never know about it. That nasty bile still rises in my throat when I think about it. That level of rejection is so deep, intense and raw I can barely co-exist with it.


So I am going to talk to Mary tonight and she'll share her wise counsel with me and help me heal a little faster. I know I can't carry around #2 longer - it's awful.


I don't like awful and I want to be rid of it. I just need a little help lassoing in my ego to do so.


As always, each moment gets better. I wish the same to you!

The Big Give

Although TV isn't high on my list of priorities, I often (ok so far every week) have tuned in to watch Oprah's Big Give.


I love it.


Yes I love Oprah but even if this weren't her show, I would think it was bloody brilliant. It's about time we see this kind of spirit, enthusiasm and love on television.


It's nice to see America tune in too. If you haven't, grab your tissue box and settle into the couch at 8pm every Sunday night - well worth an hour of your time.

Revelations

Bare with me, I cut my finger today and it's affecting my typing skills so I apologize if there are typos! ;)


I've been in deep thought on something in particular during the last 24-48 hours. I've been wondering why I have or at least had a pattern of getting involved with men who would always choose to be with someone else.


Not all of my boyfriends did this. Some just left (I've never ended a serious relationship - it has always been him...there's another interesting pattern. I'm sure I'll talk about that in the future). The only men I've ever kicked to the curb have been guys I have dated for a short period of time and then decided I didn't really like.


So back to the choosing someone else thing. There have been a few serious relationships in my past who have left me for someone else (think of G, my own personal Mr. Big who left last year after being on & off for 12 years, who left because he had found the woman he was going to spend his life with and could no longer be my friend ... and then there's the guy I almost married after college who cheated...).


I'm hoping the most recent doesn't fall into this category but I was thinking if he did end things with me and eventually reconciled with his X - why would that affect me so much? Why does the thought of that make me feel so raw inside and feel like heaving my guts out? It truly is a very strong visceral reaction I have when I think about it - no exaggeration.


I'm a big believer in delving into your past if you see a pattern or if you want to change something. You can't continue to be the same person, doing the same things and feeling the same way - and then expect different results. That's a bit on the crazy side - it just doesn't work (which is why so many people don't change).


So what from my past was causing that feeling? Perhaps if I dug into the feeling and found the incident (probably numerous incidents knowing my childhood) that I associate with that feeling...maybe by discovering all of that I could begin to release it.


The one thing that came to mind was that my birth mother (there she is again) always chose to go back to "her family". She was only around me when the mood struck her and she felt like it. Basically whenever her guilt came up & bugged her enough - that's my theory.


Anyway, I wasn't sure this was the reason for my current visceral feelings & reactions because I didn't want to acknowledge that there is/was a part of me that wanted to be part of her family.


For so long I told myself I didn't want to be with her. She was (maybe still is) manipulative, narcisstic and generally f**ked up.


I even saw her be verbally and physically abusive to her other kids (just her stepkids - not her bio kids) on a few occasions.


Generally speaking, she is not a desirable mother figure. So intellectually I pushed all of my feelings of want & need for her - I pushed them away. I told myself there was no reason to ever want to be her daughter and I would've been better off if I hadn't. I've since let go of that feeling as she gave me many great gifts, the most vital being my birth!


But now I see that there was a part of me (as there is in EVERY little girl and EVERY woman) who wanted to be loved, accepted and welcomed by my birth mother.


And since she never chose me consistently, I have frequently chosen men who have done the same. I have taken this pattern from childhood into adulthood by going so far as to be friends and sometimes lovers with a man who would hop into & out of my life at his leisure. It's a very real feeling/residual affect & it was there.


On the positive side, G is long gone so I have at least broken that part of the pattern.


And thank heavens he's gone! G can stay away, truly. He is a good (albeit spiritually-lacking and misguided) man who has his own stuff and I am better off without him. Both intellectually and emotionally I know this to be true!


I don't need his acceptance or anyone else's to be the beautiful, loving, giving and incredible woman I am. I am here and sharing my gifts with the world.


If someone chooses not to receive my gifts, then they do. It is simply their choice just as some people choose vanilla over chocolate (although why anyone is crazy enough to choose anything other than chocolate is beyond me..), some people choose to be in my life and some do not.


So if anyone from my past chooses to say in my past, then they do. If they choose to grow forward with me, then there is that option too.


And that's my revelation for the day. Now I need a nap, I feel exhausted!

Odd Dreams...

Have you ever had a dream that stuck with you after you woke up? It affected your whole day?


I had one of those last night/this morning.


I dreamt of my grandmother (maternal). She was sick and sitting on my lap (very much cradled in my arms like a baby - weird I know). She was telling me that someone (don't remember the person's name) wanted to send her back to the home because she was so ill. She was very afraid and needed my comfort. I felt so helpless as I held her and told her I'd find a way to take care of her without having to return to the nursing home.


It's such an odd dream because my grandmother is so healthy and reasonably strong for a woman her age (she's pushing 80 I believe). She takes care of her house by herself (minus the shoveling and mowing which my uncle does for her), is active in several community groups and generally insists on being independent long after my grandfather has passed.


I have made a note to call her and check on her but I think the dream is more symbolic than literal. She represents something/someone to me but I'm not sure whom or what.


There is naturally a side of me that identifies with her. I get my petiteness and height from her along my independence and steadfastness.


But is that the side of me that needs mothering and nurturing right now? Perhaps. It would make sense on some level since there are parts of me that are hurting. But maybe it is more than that. Not sure so I will have to think about it and let my subconscious play with it.

On familiar ground

Well if you've been waiting for an update here it is - I'm back to being single again. Just as the title says: familiar ground.


Yes you know that place I've been for the better part of the last 8 years.


So far as I can understand, Texas feels he has some leftover things to deal with from his divorce and feels he cannot give me his whole heart. And frankly I don't want a man who only gives me a little piece of the whole pie. I've had plenty of those (see Drummer boy entries).


I can't say I'm terribly surprised in all honesty. I wish I were - I wish I weren't so jaded and cynical about love. Or rather receiving love. I know I can give it but receiving it isn't something I'm familiar with.


Yeah that was a pity party right there - thanks for joining me. My apologies. It is 5:15am as I write this and I have been wide awake for over an hour. I decided to get up and write in hopes it would settle my mind and ease my heart a bit. Funny thing about heartbreak - it's much like falling in love in that you need very little sleep or food. (I cope with intense hurt by not eating very much).


But on the opposite end of the spectrum, unlike falling in love, you feel like chit and have no energy.


I see no reason at this point to do anything or feel anything other than feel what I am feeling. If I feel like eating, I'll eat. If I don't, I won't. If I feel like staying up all night, I will stay up all night. If I feel like going on dates next week, I'll go on dates next week.


At this point I'm just breathing moment by moment. And about to head out to the gym and hopefully find a coffee shop along the way.


The only thing I can certainly promise is that I am going to take this time to date myself. It may sound a bit odd but I'm going to do all of the things a lover should do for me. I'll buy myself flowers, takeout food, send myself to the spa, go to the movies, take walks in the park, hike the foothills and make myself laugh.


Although I don't feel much like laughing right now - I'm a bit more towards the crying end of the spectrum presently.

Catharsis

I don't know if I will actually publish this post but I've got to write to get some things out of me. They are pressing inside, filling my chest and overtaking my body. Time to purge!


Over the weekend the thought came to me that I have been so afraid in relationship crossroads (such as the one I'm currently embedded in) because I feel afraid no one will fight for me. No one will fight for me as a woman. No one will fight for my love and all the love inside of me. (There is a great fountain of love that springs forth from my heart and soul but no one has chosen to drink from that fountain..at least not for very long and not for any lasting length of time).


And why is that? Where is that fear coming from? Why do I continue to put myself in these situations? There is an unresolved pattern here and I had to be willing to dig inside and look for the gunk holding it in place.


Gunk it was. It's old, leftover beliefs from my childhood. The childhood when my birth mother never fought for me. Instead, she made several attempts to recind all parental rights to me, her child, her offspring, her blood. (By the way did you know you could do that? Legally petition the courts to give up all parental rights to a child? I could live with that fact ommitted from my consciousness).


So she didn't fight for me. My dad never really did either. Not in any way that emotionally imbued itself on my psyche. There are countless weekends I can remember when I would cry, beg, plead and scream to my father in hopes he would let me stay with him at home.


Instead I was always ushered off to be with my birth mother and her family in a foreign place, a foreign bed with foreigners who neither knew me nor cared to know or understand me.


And that happened over a period of almost 14 years. Gunk sounds like an appropriate word now after that explanation right?


So through the past 2 decades I have placed myself in relationships with men and invariably we would come to a critical juncture in our relationship whether it would be moving in together, moving somewhere together or some other life-changing point.


And as my experiences would dictate, they would choose to go off without me. Leaving me feeling alone, foreign and without a sense of any real love.


On Saturday I spoke with my friend Mary (find her here - she's fantastic!). She is an intuitive/healer/etc and she is absolutely wonderful. She brought up this very point - that I was so afraid of what was going to happen next because I could never draw on an instance in my past when anyone I loved had ever fought for me.


In all my 31 - almost 32 - years on this planet, I have never felt that anyone loved me enough to fight for me, enough to say Lara I think you are worth the effort. You are worth the ups, the downs, the challenges and the triumphs.


It explains so much.


This belief I've held explains why I've rarely been promoted in any job; why I've rarely made a relatively comfortable living; why I've chosen jobs that were ok but not fantastic in every way; why I've chosen to sidestep my dream of publishing my book; why I often get so close to the finish line and then backtrack and defeat my previous efforts; why my business didn't succeed (if you ever want to know how you really feel about money you should open your business and charge for your services. You will see VERY quickly how you view yourself)...and of course why I continued to choose men who didn't fight for me.


So after some internal debate, searching and an exercise Mary gave me, I decided it was time to fight for me. I am a beautiful woman with a heart that would fill a nation with love, peace and joy. I am worth fighting for no matter what anyone else says, I KNOW this to be true.


I choose to fight for me. I choose ME. Even if no one else ever does, I do and that is all that truly matters.


That is where peace begins.


Whatever happens with Texas in the future is fine. I love him and want to spend decades getting to know him. I do. (And if you think it's too soon to feel that way -that's ok because that is your feeling & thought. These are my feelings and my decisions).


If it's not him, there will always be at least one person fighting for my place in this world and that person is me.

Tomorrow

So tomorrow is set to be the day I will get an answer and I will know "where he is headed next".


Lots of people have expressed sympathy for my situation and while I appreciate the support, sympathy isn't necessary. (Prayers are always welcome of course). This is simply a place we need to be in order to grow. My heart hopes we continue to grow together but whatever happens will be for my highest good and hopefully for his as well.


He has been a blessing and I am so grateful for the experiences we've had and for all we've shared. Here is to hoping for more.


You'll get an update when I do and when I can. Til then, just say a prayer please.

Growing closer and moving forward?

Life is always interesting - and usually that interesting adjective is preceded by a challenge...especially in relationships.


I wrote a few weeks ago about lack of time with Texas and how it was affecting us. It still is. We haven't spent much time together since then even though we talk almost every day - often via email throughout the day.


Well he spoke with his daughters about meeting me and they weren't too happy with the idea. In my opinion, it's a pretty natural response on their part. But he was upset by it and is concerned about upsetting them any further. They have adjusted well to living in 2 homes and having their parents apart; he doesn't want to make life any more difficult for them and I respect that.


Again in my opinion, if we slowly take our time introducing and integrating me into their lives, they will adjust. I don't expect it be butterflies and lollipops but I don't anticipate World War III either.


But it has really come down to what he wants to do next...if he wants our relationship to grow and move forward or not.


There's a big part of me that thinks he doesn't, that he is happy with where he is at in his life and doesn't see the need to add me and complicate matters. And it would complicate life for both of us and for his girls.


I think it would be worth it.


I guess this may be one time when love really doesn't conquer all. He will let me know by the end of the weekend I guess. Wish me luck and love.