Why Do I Bother?

I feel like the same questions have plagued me for the last several years so my question is why do I bother? Why do I even care? I feel like my efforts are either thwarted or go unnoticed by the cosmos. I take chances in love, in my career but for what? There's no pay-off. I've gotten nothing out of it. I'm still alone and broke..just like I was 6 years ago. At least 6 years ago I had a modicum of hope and faith. I can't say the same today.


It isn't so much that I've lost hope or faith in love, I've just stop pondering their existence. They seem to work for others but I've had enough. I've stopped wondering what my life could be like with a partner. All I do is focus on my life with me and how I can make it better. I don't truly expect to share it with anyone, ever.


I wouldn't say I feel those things because I'm feeling sorry for myself (not generally but today, yes, I am sick and acting like a spoiled brat because of it) but more because I think in terms of reality. And what has my reality been of late? No dates, ex-boyfriends who only want to see me when it's convenient for them and men who aren't interested in me. And frankly who wants to think of their future in terms of that?? Not me.


I'm not so sure marriage is going to happen for me nor children. And how I'll ever earn more than $20,000 a year also seems to be out of reach. So if my life continues on this path despite my best efforts, in 10 years you will find me camped at the base of Everest with crampons and pick axe in hand along with a few sherpas at my disposal. And for a few exhilarating days I will feel alive...more so than I have for years.