Oh my...

It has been 7 months since I last updated my blog - for shame! So much has happened but instead of prattling on for countless paragraphs I'll give you a month by month breakdown of what's been happening.



-March: Things begin to fall apart professionally and personally. The man I had been seeing left for Europe and through a series of communications I understood where our involvement stood. It wasn't what I wanted so we remained friends. My freelance work took a nosedive and I began contemplating finding new clients.

-April: Everything went to hell and not in a neat, tidy little handbasket either. My love life was non-existent but my most pressing concern was my freelance work/client/income situation. My one client (who was taking up 80% of my time and producing 80% of my freelance income) decided to change the nature of our relationship. I decided to change too - I stopped working with them.

I discovered it was time to let go of my old career and move on to something new. What is what yet I wasn't entirely sure but I knew my general direction.

-May: I went to Ireland for 20 days. It was magic. It was mothering. It was nurture. It was beauty. It was love. It was peace...serenity...emotional cleansing and healing. All wrapped up in a gorgeous, green island.

I also fell in love but had to part with him when I left. It was heart-wrenching and I still miss him.

At the end of the month I returned to the States and decided I would move to Ireland for graduate school where I would study to become a therapist.

I also began therapy this month. -June: I began the painful process of unwrapping myself from Ireland. I felt as though I had finally found my mother after 33 years of searching...and then I had to leave. It felt akin to being taken from the womb much, much too early in my developmental life.

-July: I moved 2 doors down and let the realization of another year in Boulder settle into my bones. I decided it was good, great even, this is where I am needed right now. Ireland will come.

-August: Decided on a graduate school in Ireland. Realized I couldn't get in to my chosen school. Found another graduate school and discovered it is the right one for me. Had some magical dreams which came true in September. -September: Therapy continued. I unlocked and began healing some very deep-rooted hurts from my relationship with my birth mother. The healing transcended me and touched her as she reached out to me for the first time in over 10 years. It was an incredibly profound month. I began to mother myself as I would have liked to have been mothered.

-October: The healing continues, therapy continues and my income continues to meet my needs (a very pressing concern since Aprils' post-marketing client release). I have released many old demons, let new or deeply-buried ones surface or resurface as necessary. All my feelings flow in and out and around. I gently watch and touch their structure as necessary.



As of now I am on a beautiful journey of self, of personal healing and of feminine inspiration, liberation and exploration. I didn't discuss the details of how I came to my new path because that's neither here nor there. But my new path is about evolving the woman in me so she can express herself, release what doesn't serve her, nurture herself (and younger selves) so that she may walk upright in this world while holding herself and others in love, beauty and courage.



My new path is about the journey I have been on for the last 33 years, how I have become the woman I am both today and the woman I will be tomorrow and about showing other women how they can cope, heal and ultimately not just survive but thrive because of their relationship with their mother figures.



My path is a gift and a blessing that has long felt to me to be a heavy, heavy cross and at times an unbearable, life-crushing weight that smothered my own existence. I no longer feel that soul-punishing despair I felt as an infant, a child, an adolescent and as a young woman.



I won't say I have freed myself entirely but I have begun to examine the chains of my oppression. I see which ones I can lift today and tomorrow I lift some more. The day after a few more. But most importantly I realize I have the power to lift all chains and in fact I realize I have created all the chains oppressing me.



And in that realization there is a liberating peace that eases my soul, nourishes my body and comforts my mind.



So yes I've been a bit busy the last 7 months. :)

Therapy

Tonight is my first night of therapy at DU. We'll see how that goes - it will be nice to have a professional sounding board. I'm so tired of talking to other people about my problems...mainly because most people prefer to blame the world around them versus taking responsibility for their lives.

I was certainly in that mindset even just a few years ago. But I've left that behind and decided it's easier if I take accountability for my results.

Anyway, my point is most people don't understand how I choose to live. And that's fine, I don't ask anyone to follow in my footsteps. I simply ask for respect for my choices and I offer the same in return.

That being said, it gets a bit lonely sometimes.

Saturday night was one of those lonely times. I spent most of the day doing my usual: volunteer work in the morning, grocery shopping and meeting with a client at a coffee shop on Pearl.

Anyway, I went home after all of my errands.

And I stayed there. I was watching movies and camped out by 6pm. It felt comfortable I guess and I finally slowed down after a hectic week.

And I just cried. I watched some movies, I cried.

I read a book, I cried.

It was just a big ole crying fest for some reason. I suppose it helped and I guess I felt better on Sunday since I didn't cry very much. But it certainly didn't change how lonely I felt.

Sunday afternoon I spent with some friends at Chuck E. Cheese and we celebrated their daughter's 5th birthday. It was so fun and I loved playing with both of their girls (who are 3 & 5). But my heart ached when I had to go home and go back to my lonely, empty house.

There was a realization I came to over the weekend. I discovered that TX was one of the few people in my life who knows/knew so much about me, about my philosophies, my beliefs and my life's vision.

He was someone I shared things with almost every day - deep, intimate, personal things.

I let him become a part of my life in many ways and I miss that. I miss sharing my day to day things with him. I miss having that person who cares, who says he cares and shows he cares.

And yes I admit I simply miss having someone to share with but if I wanted just anyone, I could find that. If I wanted someone just for physical intimacy, I could find that easily. Someone to hang out with? Sure, in a heartbeat.

But someone who gives me the space to talk about my deepest fears and my greatest passions and loves? Nope.

I've been looking for him for 8 years and this was the first man I found who gave me all of that. There have been others who have given me bits and pieces here and there but no one else has given me all he did.

But he did give and that's the important lesson to take with me. He gave and so did I. I gave in ways I have never given before and I'm so grateful for all of that!

I am, as always, so grateful for the love I have experienced. To know that I could and did give so much with only hope, respect and love in my heart is a wonderful feeling.

So that is the feeling I choose to hold on to and keep in my heart.