Here we are - Week Four of The Presence Process.
I have experienced a great deal of challenges in the past week. In fact I cried during almost every meditation last week - it was exhausting and emotionally brutal on many levels.
I almost made the tough decision to stay in Colorado for Christmas. It is my first holiday without my family and it pulls at my heart.
But it was a necessary step for me. I need to stay in CO to save money and for some other reason I haven't been able to articulate. Something inside of me is saying to be here over the holidays...not sure of the reason but I am going to listen to my own inner voice. And that's a practice I am doing more and more of lately.
Sometimes I marvel at how little I heed my own desires/internal voice - and how often I do what I think other people want me to do.
I am beginning to truly understand that when we all follow our own paths, our own callings...then we can all be present in our lives and achieve an authentic life for ourselves.
I knew that on an intellectual level but I am finally feeling it inside of my body (and being the Taurus/Capricorn Earth sign that I am I have to feel something before I can truly understand it).
In other news, I have none. ;) No boys. I went out on a few dates over the last few weeks but none of them seem to be leaning towards a romantic involvement. They are all nice guys who I will be friends with but for various reasons I doubt they will become more.
One is a friend who just moved here. I think he smokes so he's out! I can tolerate a lot but that's a dealbreaker for me. ;)
The other is the drummer boy from last year. I asked for what I wanted (just some time to hang out) and I've gotten no response. So there's my answer! HA! It's all right. He's a good guy.
The other guy is also a friend who just isn't compatible in a romantic way.
Back to square one in that department which is fine. I believe in letting doors close so new ones can open. I'm looking for the new one!
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Last Fall Revisited
So during the course of November there's a certain X who has come back into my life... or at least he was I have no clue where we are at right now.
The drummer I dated briefly last fall/winter is calling again.
It started off with Facebook (because really doesn't everything happen on Facebook...) and then a series of naughty messages. Those messages led to an encounter (we revisited one of our favorite shared past times: movies of a certain kind, you fill in the blank) which led to another encounter at my house. Then there was a 3rd interaction on his kitchen counter followed by a let's hang out and have a drink and talk for awhile evening which ended on his couch again.
The really interesting thing is that each of these interludes has become more intimate in some way. I've seen more of him in the last three weeks (from an emotional standpoint) then I ever saw all of last year.
I'm not sure what to make of it, of him or of what I want from him. It's all still a bit new and at times intriguing.
And other times (like when we don't talk for a few days) it's not as intriguing.
At this point I am entertaining the option of getting to know him better on more than just a superficial level. The real trick is how to let him know I'd like to hang out without being my usual forceful and direct self. He doesn't seem to respond well to that - he's a Scorpio which is a fixed Water sign. I'm a Taurus which is a fixed Earth sign. For non-astro peeps that means neither of us likes to be told what to do or to feel like we are being given orders/directives.
I think a casual movie night might be a good "in" so I have contacted him but have had no response. We'll see what happens.
All I know for sure is that there is a reason he's back - there was something I didn't learn in the last go-round that I need to learn again and hopefully the same can be said for him. Mary () told me my lesson is to be detached from the outcome while still asking for what I want.
Bless her heart I know she's right but it feels a little easier said than done. ;)
I'll keep you updated.
The drummer I dated briefly last fall/winter is calling again.
It started off with Facebook (because really doesn't everything happen on Facebook...) and then a series of naughty messages. Those messages led to an encounter (we revisited one of our favorite shared past times: movies of a certain kind, you fill in the blank) which led to another encounter at my house. Then there was a 3rd interaction on his kitchen counter followed by a let's hang out and have a drink and talk for awhile evening which ended on his couch again.
The really interesting thing is that each of these interludes has become more intimate in some way. I've seen more of him in the last three weeks (from an emotional standpoint) then I ever saw all of last year.
I'm not sure what to make of it, of him or of what I want from him. It's all still a bit new and at times intriguing.
And other times (like when we don't talk for a few days) it's not as intriguing.
At this point I am entertaining the option of getting to know him better on more than just a superficial level. The real trick is how to let him know I'd like to hang out without being my usual forceful and direct self. He doesn't seem to respond well to that - he's a Scorpio which is a fixed Water sign. I'm a Taurus which is a fixed Earth sign. For non-astro peeps that means neither of us likes to be told what to do or to feel like we are being given orders/directives.
I think a casual movie night might be a good "in" so I have contacted him but have had no response. We'll see what happens.
All I know for sure is that there is a reason he's back - there was something I didn't learn in the last go-round that I need to learn again and hopefully the same can be said for him. Mary () told me my lesson is to be detached from the outcome while still asking for what I want.
Bless her heart I know she's right but it feels a little easier said than done. ;)
I'll keep you updated.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Rollercoaster ride
What a week it has been already. I told you briefly about TX. We did email & he explained to me he's keeping in touch with people he met on that site. He said he is not dating and he is sorry he hurt me, very sorry.
So at least that was easier to hear than to hear he's dating again.
It opened an old wound to talk to him but I feel a bit better now that we've discussed the situation. It still means I have a ways to go before I'm comfortable with him dating anyone else. And I have to get there, eventually.
But today is not that day and that's ok.
And I told you about the Friday mtg. Yesterday I began looking & applying for part-time work (admin type stuff) in Boulder. I was really looking for a marketing firm or similar to work for - preferably upwards of 30 hours a week. I knew if I found that type of position, I could find clients and work to fill the rest of my week (promoting my classes for example).
Today I applied for a job, explained I was transitioning to part-time for the next few years. I gave them my resume and said if they were interested in a long-term PT person, I'd love to meet with them.
They contacted me a few hours later and we set up a meeting for Friday morning (when I will be calling into work, conveniently enough).
Later today, the person I'm meeting with emailed to say he had passed along my resume to his boss who was in need of a copywriter, an emergency project (aren't they all??). I said sign me up!
Well I didn't say that exactly but I told him I was definitely interested in talking with his boss.
So the boss called, we talked, there will be emails exchanged and a project will probably come into my lap.
Woo woo for me!!!!
I'm constantly amazed at how well things work out when you simply have faith. I prayed to my angels last night to help me stay open to opportunities and allow more money, more writing and more fun into my life. And look what happened? You may think it's a coincidence and that's your opinion.
I on the other hand believe I decided what I wanted, opened it up (believed and felt I deserved it) and let it happen however it naturally showed up on my doorstep.
And here it is. Already!
What a week. I feel the need to celebrate somehow!
So at least that was easier to hear than to hear he's dating again.
It opened an old wound to talk to him but I feel a bit better now that we've discussed the situation. It still means I have a ways to go before I'm comfortable with him dating anyone else. And I have to get there, eventually.
But today is not that day and that's ok.
And I told you about the Friday mtg. Yesterday I began looking & applying for part-time work (admin type stuff) in Boulder. I was really looking for a marketing firm or similar to work for - preferably upwards of 30 hours a week. I knew if I found that type of position, I could find clients and work to fill the rest of my week (promoting my classes for example).
Today I applied for a job, explained I was transitioning to part-time for the next few years. I gave them my resume and said if they were interested in a long-term PT person, I'd love to meet with them.
They contacted me a few hours later and we set up a meeting for Friday morning (when I will be calling into work, conveniently enough).
Later today, the person I'm meeting with emailed to say he had passed along my resume to his boss who was in need of a copywriter, an emergency project (aren't they all??). I said sign me up!
Well I didn't say that exactly but I told him I was definitely interested in talking with his boss.
So the boss called, we talked, there will be emails exchanged and a project will probably come into my lap.
Woo woo for me!!!!
I'm constantly amazed at how well things work out when you simply have faith. I prayed to my angels last night to help me stay open to opportunities and allow more money, more writing and more fun into my life. And look what happened? You may think it's a coincidence and that's your opinion.
I on the other hand believe I decided what I wanted, opened it up (believed and felt I deserved it) and let it happen however it naturally showed up on my doorstep.
And here it is. Already!
What a week. I feel the need to celebrate somehow!
Monday, April 28, 2008
WTF
That about sums up how I feel about the last 3-4 days. WTF? WTF is going on with people? Why do so many people suck?
I suppose I can backtrack a bit and explain where all of my modified F expressions are coming from.
On Friday I was called into my boss' office (rarely a good thing - they always schedule your promotions & raises well in advance on a calendar) and was told I had had too many mistakes since January. I was told to fix them or I would be let go in 3 weeks.
Part of me was angry because this job is just sucky, part of me didn't care (which is awful, I abhor apathy) and part of me was sad. I'd rather not be fired. I'd prefer to find a better job in the next 3 weeks. It could happen I think.
My boss & I chatted for a bit and he's a good guy, he understands how negative this place is and how difficult it is to work in a job where you are only recognized when you F up. (Yes lots of F bombs in my vocab the last few days...sorry). He also heard me when I told him I have an immense amount of experience doing terrific writing assignments and handling multiple, ongoing projects. As he said, I am overqualified for what I do.
While this is true, I have repeatedly expressed interest in staying with this company and finding a better fit for me. Mainly, I'd prefer to do something I enjoy with them for awhile til I can go out on my own again, full-time. Currently my freelance isn't at that pitch but it will be in time.
So that was Friday afternoon.
I left early, went to Wash Park and had a pity party for myself. Even though I don't believe the voice in my head, it told me I was an abject failure in work, in relationships and even my health lately. Clearly my faith as well - I have struggled to believe in good things when it seems a majority of my life has fallen apart.
After a 2-hr pityfest, I got angry. Angry at myself for even allowing those thoughts into my head. I have no right to call myself a failure. I am intelligent, hard-working and I always persevere. No matter what. So that's what I told myself: I promised ME that I would succeed no matter what.
No matter if I'm fired - no matter what. No matter if no one else believes in me - no matter what. No matter if that stupid voice in my head doesn't shut up - no matter what. I will succeed.
Just the fact that I arrived at that place is a huge success compared to previous similar experiences.
Going through the experience of last Friday helped me to see I am in a similar boat as I have been several times in the past.
So when I am going to do something about? That's what I asked myself.
I decided now was as good of time as any.
I'm not quite sure what I'm doing next or where I will be but today I am making time to talk to my therapist and get a plan of action. It is up to me so it will be.
The rest of my weekend was quite good; I met some new people from my church (young adult group), did some hiking and read.
Sunday night I decided it was time to date again.
So I decided to join the web site I had belonged to prior to meeting TX. And guess who is an active member?
Oh yeah, he is.
I was shocked to say the least...that was quickly followed by anger, betrayal and hurt. It's clear he's been a member for awhile so obviously he hasn't taken the time to heal or clear up any of his old wounds. He's just biding his time by dating new women.
I understand different people grieve in different ways. Typically (from what my male friends tell me) men move on by dating again. I move on AFTER I have healed.
Regardless of his dating status, it hurt immensely that he couldn't tell me he wasn't ready for a commitment. That's obviously why he left our relationship. He can only handle superficial involvements.
I have a lot more respect for someone who can own their emotional space than someone who hides it from himself.
I only wanted him to be happy and healthy. I doubt he'll get either one of those things based on his current actions.
So he hasn't written me back and I'm not sure he will.
That isn't important. The only thing that is important right now is that I know there is someone much stronger emotionally and he is out there looking for me.
There is an incredible man who wants to love and be loved by me; a man who wants to be my partner and perhaps eventually my husband. I will only be with a man who is in that place. Everyone else can take a hike.
It was a tough thing for me to see but it made moving on much clearer and much easier...and that is a gift. It feels a bit like a hidden gift wrapped in some pain but it is a gift nonetheless.
As was my Friday chat. My gift is knowing I don't belong here and I shouldn't expand energy thinking I may find a better position within the company.
Obviously I'm not valued and it's time to find people who will love me and give me the space to share my talents and gifts with them. I know they are out there, I know that job is out there.
Now I'm asking the Universe to send it to me by whatever means necessary (Ok I'd rather it be in a safe, friendly & loving manner).
Both of my gifts will lay the foundation for future blessings and an even more abundant, beautiful life. But damn it was tough to come to that conclusion (and yes I said WTF a lot).
I suppose I can backtrack a bit and explain where all of my modified F expressions are coming from.
On Friday I was called into my boss' office (rarely a good thing - they always schedule your promotions & raises well in advance on a calendar) and was told I had had too many mistakes since January. I was told to fix them or I would be let go in 3 weeks.
Part of me was angry because this job is just sucky, part of me didn't care (which is awful, I abhor apathy) and part of me was sad. I'd rather not be fired. I'd prefer to find a better job in the next 3 weeks. It could happen I think.
My boss & I chatted for a bit and he's a good guy, he understands how negative this place is and how difficult it is to work in a job where you are only recognized when you F up. (Yes lots of F bombs in my vocab the last few days...sorry). He also heard me when I told him I have an immense amount of experience doing terrific writing assignments and handling multiple, ongoing projects. As he said, I am overqualified for what I do.
While this is true, I have repeatedly expressed interest in staying with this company and finding a better fit for me. Mainly, I'd prefer to do something I enjoy with them for awhile til I can go out on my own again, full-time. Currently my freelance isn't at that pitch but it will be in time.
So that was Friday afternoon.
I left early, went to Wash Park and had a pity party for myself. Even though I don't believe the voice in my head, it told me I was an abject failure in work, in relationships and even my health lately. Clearly my faith as well - I have struggled to believe in good things when it seems a majority of my life has fallen apart.
After a 2-hr pityfest, I got angry. Angry at myself for even allowing those thoughts into my head. I have no right to call myself a failure. I am intelligent, hard-working and I always persevere. No matter what. So that's what I told myself: I promised ME that I would succeed no matter what.
No matter if I'm fired - no matter what. No matter if no one else believes in me - no matter what. No matter if that stupid voice in my head doesn't shut up - no matter what. I will succeed.
Just the fact that I arrived at that place is a huge success compared to previous similar experiences.
Going through the experience of last Friday helped me to see I am in a similar boat as I have been several times in the past.
So when I am going to do something about? That's what I asked myself.
I decided now was as good of time as any.
I'm not quite sure what I'm doing next or where I will be but today I am making time to talk to my therapist and get a plan of action. It is up to me so it will be.
The rest of my weekend was quite good; I met some new people from my church (young adult group), did some hiking and read.
Sunday night I decided it was time to date again.
So I decided to join the web site I had belonged to prior to meeting TX. And guess who is an active member?
Oh yeah, he is.
I was shocked to say the least...that was quickly followed by anger, betrayal and hurt. It's clear he's been a member for awhile so obviously he hasn't taken the time to heal or clear up any of his old wounds. He's just biding his time by dating new women.
I understand different people grieve in different ways. Typically (from what my male friends tell me) men move on by dating again. I move on AFTER I have healed.
Regardless of his dating status, it hurt immensely that he couldn't tell me he wasn't ready for a commitment. That's obviously why he left our relationship. He can only handle superficial involvements.
I have a lot more respect for someone who can own their emotional space than someone who hides it from himself.
I only wanted him to be happy and healthy. I doubt he'll get either one of those things based on his current actions.
So he hasn't written me back and I'm not sure he will.
That isn't important. The only thing that is important right now is that I know there is someone much stronger emotionally and he is out there looking for me.
There is an incredible man who wants to love and be loved by me; a man who wants to be my partner and perhaps eventually my husband. I will only be with a man who is in that place. Everyone else can take a hike.
It was a tough thing for me to see but it made moving on much clearer and much easier...and that is a gift. It feels a bit like a hidden gift wrapped in some pain but it is a gift nonetheless.
As was my Friday chat. My gift is knowing I don't belong here and I shouldn't expand energy thinking I may find a better position within the company.
Obviously I'm not valued and it's time to find people who will love me and give me the space to share my talents and gifts with them. I know they are out there, I know that job is out there.
Now I'm asking the Universe to send it to me by whatever means necessary (Ok I'd rather it be in a safe, friendly & loving manner).
Both of my gifts will lay the foundation for future blessings and an even more abundant, beautiful life. But damn it was tough to come to that conclusion (and yes I said WTF a lot).
Monday, April 21, 2008
A new week
It is a lovely spring day in Colorado today. The birds were chirping went I left this morning (notice how they chirp even on Mondays...we can all be that blissful if we choose) and it's the start of a new season.
My weekend was a good one. Saturday I attended a new member meeting at a local church. In the afternoon I went to yoga, ate some dinner at Foolish Craig's and then went to a friend's birthday party.
Sunday I officially joined the church where I had attended the new member orientation on Saturday - Unitarian Universalist of Boulder. And then I gardened, went to the library, etc.
The majority of the weekend was soothing and comforting. I can feel the gentleness of spring coming in and it helps to continue my healing process. The healing process seems to be something that ricochets up, down & all around on a daily basis. Saturday I felt fantastic and ready to embrace the newness of life all around.
Sunday I missed Tx terribly and was sad I couldn't share my new church membership with him. A mutual passion for spirituality and religion was something we always shared.
So I decided to share my joy in my heart and hope he could feel it.
This week will be another busy, eventful 7 days. Tonight & tomorrow are the usual (counseling & pottery respectively).
Wednesday night I think there is a women's spiritual group at church so I may attend that.
Thursday night I am having dinner with a friend who is in CO from AZ where he currently lives. No not THAT guy from AZ. George is long gone thank heavens.
My friend Jeff (climbing pal basically) is planning to move to CO and is in the process of interviewing. This week he has something lined up in the area and we're hanging out on Thursday.
A mutual friend of ours has hinted she'd be happy to see us get together. While I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen (he may be a bit more alpha male than I can handle and I'm fairly certain he doesn't want children...we all know my body is bonkers for babies which won't change til I actually get prego & have a baby), some flirting may go on. That would be a nice ego boost for me right now I guess.
I am doing my best to be open to new energy & new changes (better than old changes right?!) but the thought of a romantic addition to my life doesn't feel quite right yet. I'm getting there though.
It's a new week, start of a new season so changes are afoot I am sure. It'll be fun to see what they are!
My weekend was a good one. Saturday I attended a new member meeting at a local church. In the afternoon I went to yoga, ate some dinner at Foolish Craig's and then went to a friend's birthday party.
Sunday I officially joined the church where I had attended the new member orientation on Saturday - Unitarian Universalist of Boulder. And then I gardened, went to the library, etc.
The majority of the weekend was soothing and comforting. I can feel the gentleness of spring coming in and it helps to continue my healing process. The healing process seems to be something that ricochets up, down & all around on a daily basis. Saturday I felt fantastic and ready to embrace the newness of life all around.
Sunday I missed Tx terribly and was sad I couldn't share my new church membership with him. A mutual passion for spirituality and religion was something we always shared.
So I decided to share my joy in my heart and hope he could feel it.
This week will be another busy, eventful 7 days. Tonight & tomorrow are the usual (counseling & pottery respectively).
Wednesday night I think there is a women's spiritual group at church so I may attend that.
Thursday night I am having dinner with a friend who is in CO from AZ where he currently lives. No not THAT guy from AZ. George is long gone thank heavens.
My friend Jeff (climbing pal basically) is planning to move to CO and is in the process of interviewing. This week he has something lined up in the area and we're hanging out on Thursday.
A mutual friend of ours has hinted she'd be happy to see us get together. While I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen (he may be a bit more alpha male than I can handle and I'm fairly certain he doesn't want children...we all know my body is bonkers for babies which won't change til I actually get prego & have a baby), some flirting may go on. That would be a nice ego boost for me right now I guess.
I am doing my best to be open to new energy & new changes (better than old changes right?!) but the thought of a romantic addition to my life doesn't feel quite right yet. I'm getting there though.
It's a new week, start of a new season so changes are afoot I am sure. It'll be fun to see what they are!
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Therapy
Well I went to therapy last night at DU. Needless to say my reoccuring abandoment issues aren't something that can be cured, healed or otherwise adequately addressed in an hour. Not that I expected to fix anything in that hour...I just forgot how exhausting it can be to deal with emotional topics.
Overall it was good. I liked my therapist. For some reason I thought I'd be matched with a man but V is female. She's very nice and warm-hearted.
Today I felt better when I woke up but the day has slowly drained my heart and my body. I feel tired, lonely and depressed. I'm already sick to death with healing and I just want the F'ing pain to go away. I still feel like someone kicked me in the gut and I can barely breath.
So today I bought myself some gorgeous orchids (they are spectacular) and am looking at making some reservations at Shoshoni the weekend of my birthday next month.
Not that either of those things made much of an impact on my energy level, they didn't. But I have to take care of myself; I am always but always worth the effort, time and green energy. My heart deserves the best and that is what I give it.
Overall it was good. I liked my therapist. For some reason I thought I'd be matched with a man but V is female. She's very nice and warm-hearted.
Today I felt better when I woke up but the day has slowly drained my heart and my body. I feel tired, lonely and depressed. I'm already sick to death with healing and I just want the F'ing pain to go away. I still feel like someone kicked me in the gut and I can barely breath.
So today I bought myself some gorgeous orchids (they are spectacular) and am looking at making some reservations at Shoshoni the weekend of my birthday next month.
Not that either of those things made much of an impact on my energy level, they didn't. But I have to take care of myself; I am always but always worth the effort, time and green energy. My heart deserves the best and that is what I give it.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Love Is...
Remember how I struggled with some questions around love last week?
I found this quote today in my email Inbox and I found it to be very soothing and comforting.
"Love possesses not nor will it be possessed,
for love is sufficient unto love."
--Kahlil Gibran
Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet is one of my favorite books ever printed. I simply love it and think the words are some of the most beautiful ever conceived, ever thought and ever written.
Bold statement I know but it is an amazing book!
I found this quote today in my email Inbox and I found it to be very soothing and comforting.
"Love possesses not nor will it be possessed,
for love is sufficient unto love."
--Kahlil Gibran
Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet is one of my favorite books ever printed. I simply love it and think the words are some of the most beautiful ever conceived, ever thought and ever written.
Bold statement I know but it is an amazing book!
Therapy
Tonight is my first night of therapy at DU. We'll see how that goes - it will be nice to have a professional sounding board. I'm so tired of talking to other people about my problems...mainly because most people prefer to blame the world around them versus taking responsibility for their lives.
I was certainly in that mindset even just a few years ago. But I've left that behind and decided it's easier if I take accountability for my results.
Anyway, my point is most people don't understand how I choose to live. And that's fine, I don't ask anyone to follow in my footsteps. I simply ask for respect for my choices and I offer the same in return.
That being said, it gets a bit lonely sometimes.
Saturday night was one of those lonely times. I spent most of the day doing my usual: volunteer work in the morning, grocery shopping and meeting with a client at a coffee shop on Pearl.
Anyway, I went home after all of my errands.
And I stayed there. I was watching movies and camped out by 6pm. It felt comfortable I guess and I finally slowed down after a hectic week.
And I just cried. I watched some movies, I cried.
I read a book, I cried.
It was just a big ole crying fest for some reason. I suppose it helped and I guess I felt better on Sunday since I didn't cry very much. But it certainly didn't change how lonely I felt.
Sunday afternoon I spent with some friends at Chuck E. Cheese and we celebrated their daughter's 5th birthday. It was so fun and I loved playing with both of their girls (who are 3 & 5). But my heart ached when I had to go home and go back to my lonely, empty house.
There was a realization I came to over the weekend. I discovered that TX was one of the few people in my life who knows/knew so much about me, about my philosophies, my beliefs and my life's vision.
He was someone I shared things with almost every day - deep, intimate, personal things.
I let him become a part of my life in many ways and I miss that. I miss sharing my day to day things with him. I miss having that person who cares, who says he cares and shows he cares.
And yes I admit I simply miss having someone to share with but if I wanted just anyone, I could find that. If I wanted someone just for physical intimacy, I could find that easily. Someone to hang out with? Sure, in a heartbeat.
But someone who gives me the space to talk about my deepest fears and my greatest passions and loves? Nope.
I've been looking for him for 8 years and this was the first man I found who gave me all of that. There have been others who have given me bits and pieces here and there but no one else has given me all he did.
But he did give and that's the important lesson to take with me. He gave and so did I. I gave in ways I have never given before and I'm so grateful for all of that!
I am, as always, so grateful for the love I have experienced. To know that I could and did give so much with only hope, respect and love in my heart is a wonderful feeling.
So that is the feeling I choose to hold on to and keep in my heart.
I was certainly in that mindset even just a few years ago. But I've left that behind and decided it's easier if I take accountability for my results.
Anyway, my point is most people don't understand how I choose to live. And that's fine, I don't ask anyone to follow in my footsteps. I simply ask for respect for my choices and I offer the same in return.
That being said, it gets a bit lonely sometimes.
Saturday night was one of those lonely times. I spent most of the day doing my usual: volunteer work in the morning, grocery shopping and meeting with a client at a coffee shop on Pearl.
Anyway, I went home after all of my errands.
And I stayed there. I was watching movies and camped out by 6pm. It felt comfortable I guess and I finally slowed down after a hectic week.
And I just cried. I watched some movies, I cried.
I read a book, I cried.
It was just a big ole crying fest for some reason. I suppose it helped and I guess I felt better on Sunday since I didn't cry very much. But it certainly didn't change how lonely I felt.
Sunday afternoon I spent with some friends at Chuck E. Cheese and we celebrated their daughter's 5th birthday. It was so fun and I loved playing with both of their girls (who are 3 & 5). But my heart ached when I had to go home and go back to my lonely, empty house.
There was a realization I came to over the weekend. I discovered that TX was one of the few people in my life who knows/knew so much about me, about my philosophies, my beliefs and my life's vision.
He was someone I shared things with almost every day - deep, intimate, personal things.
I let him become a part of my life in many ways and I miss that. I miss sharing my day to day things with him. I miss having that person who cares, who says he cares and shows he cares.
And yes I admit I simply miss having someone to share with but if I wanted just anyone, I could find that. If I wanted someone just for physical intimacy, I could find that easily. Someone to hang out with? Sure, in a heartbeat.
But someone who gives me the space to talk about my deepest fears and my greatest passions and loves? Nope.
I've been looking for him for 8 years and this was the first man I found who gave me all of that. There have been others who have given me bits and pieces here and there but no one else has given me all he did.
But he did give and that's the important lesson to take with me. He gave and so did I. I gave in ways I have never given before and I'm so grateful for all of that!
I am, as always, so grateful for the love I have experienced. To know that I could and did give so much with only hope, respect and love in my heart is a wonderful feeling.
So that is the feeling I choose to hold on to and keep in my heart.
Friday, March 28, 2008
For Every Yesterday, There Is a Today
For all the good yesterday did me, today has been the opposite. I cried before 7:30am, thought about him a lot before noon and accidentally found his first email to me and read a sentence or two before I could click away (stupid brain - always reading).
It has been a hard day and it's just past noon. How am I supposed to go on dates when my insides ache for him? It makes no sense.
I know in my heart this is where we both need to be right now but that doesn't make it easier or make the tears stop. It's best to let them out anyway, gotta deal with feelings somehow or they'll just sit there until you do.
It's such a different break-up. I'm accustomed to men leaving because they acted stupidly or didn't love me, found someone else, etc. All of that I have dealt with.
But walking away from love?
That is the most difficult of all break-ups. It makes my heart hurt. I understand the phrase "gut-wrenching". My insides ache when I think about him.
But with yoga and meditation, I better understand that thoughts are just thoughts. Feelings are feelings and letting go of both becomes much easier. It doesn't mean I've let go of my love for him. I don't have to, it will always be in my heart.
HE will always be in heart.
I take comfort in knowing that. It is a warm, safe place I keep for him filled with love, light, laughter and joy.
And if that safe place exists for him then I can and do hold myself there as well. I create that same feeling for me, for my heart and for all the love I have to share with the world.
There is beauty and truth in that which eases my aches, my tears and my heart.
It has been a hard day and it's just past noon. How am I supposed to go on dates when my insides ache for him? It makes no sense.
I know in my heart this is where we both need to be right now but that doesn't make it easier or make the tears stop. It's best to let them out anyway, gotta deal with feelings somehow or they'll just sit there until you do.
It's such a different break-up. I'm accustomed to men leaving because they acted stupidly or didn't love me, found someone else, etc. All of that I have dealt with.
But walking away from love?
That is the most difficult of all break-ups. It makes my heart hurt. I understand the phrase "gut-wrenching". My insides ache when I think about him.
But with yoga and meditation, I better understand that thoughts are just thoughts. Feelings are feelings and letting go of both becomes much easier. It doesn't mean I've let go of my love for him. I don't have to, it will always be in my heart.
HE will always be in heart.
I take comfort in knowing that. It is a warm, safe place I keep for him filled with love, light, laughter and joy.
And if that safe place exists for him then I can and do hold myself there as well. I create that same feeling for me, for my heart and for all the love I have to share with the world.
There is beauty and truth in that which eases my aches, my tears and my heart.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Busy Bee
Well I have been keeping busy this past week. My workload was exceptionally heavy yesterday - hence no posting here - and this morning was been about the same.
All weeklong I have made plans in the evening so I haven't been sitting at home, feeling lonely and depressed. Keeping my social calendar full has helped somewhat but I still miss him.
The bright spot of today was that I didn't cry til almost noon. That is quite a miracle. :)
The rest of the week is shaping up to be equally busy. Tonight I'm going to yoga and hopefully catching up with a few friends on the phone. Tomorrow night I'm hanging with a few friends and Saturday I have volunteer work plus a meeting with a client to get his marketing plan together and move forward with it.
Sunday will be my day to stay home, cook, clean and be domestic. There is a potluck dinner where I volunteer but I don't know if I will go. It would be good to socialize but we'll see what my energy level is like. Right now, I feel tired.
The week is almost over and it feels good to put a few more days between the break-up and my current life. It just helps me to heal as I allow time to pass.
It also helps when I let go of my attachment to him and just let my heart bask in the love we shared. That's a nice feeling...til my flippin' ego steps in and demands more of it. *sigh* What's a girl to do?! ;) Meditation & yoga that's what.
No revelations the last 2 days. I feel exhausted and need to recover from the mental and emotional strain of the last week so I'm letting my inner dialogue rest now. Although I have decided to go to counseling. DU offers free treatments if you are comfortable with an open session. Open means you meet with a counselor who is in training while certified counselors watch the session (on an open video feed? behind a one-sided glass window? not sure).
I'm fine with all of that - I think it will help me cope with my long-suffering, lifelong plague: abandoment issues. I don't know what else I can do to fix that crap on my own but I have to do something and this is the first thing that appeared. I start next Monday. You'll get a full report. :)
Til then enjoy your week. I wish you peace, love, support and blessings.
All weeklong I have made plans in the evening so I haven't been sitting at home, feeling lonely and depressed. Keeping my social calendar full has helped somewhat but I still miss him.
The bright spot of today was that I didn't cry til almost noon. That is quite a miracle. :)
The rest of the week is shaping up to be equally busy. Tonight I'm going to yoga and hopefully catching up with a few friends on the phone. Tomorrow night I'm hanging with a few friends and Saturday I have volunteer work plus a meeting with a client to get his marketing plan together and move forward with it.
Sunday will be my day to stay home, cook, clean and be domestic. There is a potluck dinner where I volunteer but I don't know if I will go. It would be good to socialize but we'll see what my energy level is like. Right now, I feel tired.
The week is almost over and it feels good to put a few more days between the break-up and my current life. It just helps me to heal as I allow time to pass.
It also helps when I let go of my attachment to him and just let my heart bask in the love we shared. That's a nice feeling...til my flippin' ego steps in and demands more of it. *sigh* What's a girl to do?! ;) Meditation & yoga that's what.
No revelations the last 2 days. I feel exhausted and need to recover from the mental and emotional strain of the last week so I'm letting my inner dialogue rest now. Although I have decided to go to counseling. DU offers free treatments if you are comfortable with an open session. Open means you meet with a counselor who is in training while certified counselors watch the session (on an open video feed? behind a one-sided glass window? not sure).
I'm fine with all of that - I think it will help me cope with my long-suffering, lifelong plague: abandoment issues. I don't know what else I can do to fix that crap on my own but I have to do something and this is the first thing that appeared. I start next Monday. You'll get a full report. :)
Til then enjoy your week. I wish you peace, love, support and blessings.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Let It Go
Isn't it funny how if someone gives us permission to do something, we feel comfortable doing it - more so than if it's a decision we make by ourselves?
I'm not one for doing things because other people tell me to. Definitely not. I have a stubborn streak a country mile wide and if I dig in my heels, forget it. You aren't getting anywhere with me.
But sweet talk me? Sure I'll help you. Just phrase it properly and if I like you, I'm there in a heartbeat.
Yes I can be handled.
But anyway, that isn't the point of my post.
My point is that often our hearts know exactly what to do but our heads won't let our hearts act. Too much ego and not enough purity of spirit.
I spoke with Mary last night and told her what has happened in the last week (I can barely believe it's only been 7 days - it feels like 7 months if not years). I told her about my big hang up (#2 as we discussed yesterday). And she told me to simply let go.
Just let go of that bile, that fear and that rawness.
It was all I needed to hear and it eased my heart. She is a good soul who tells me what I need to hear (although it is not always what I want to hear)!
She also went out to tell me there's someone else around and as soon as I open my heart, he will show up (she saw water - like he was a Water sign or extra sensitive, etc).
She also told me TX will come back by summer. She said I may have to choose between the two.
I realize for some that's a dream come true but that would be an uncomfortable position for me because it would mean someone would get hurt and it wouldn't be me. That is not a position I've been in very often...perhaps only once or twice in my lifetime have I had to break up with someone or let someone go from my life.
Although the one significant time I did let someone go was my birth mother. I'm not sure I ever stopped to think about whether or not that act hurt her. There's fuel for another post!
As I've said in previous posts, it's rare that I have had to break off a relationship. So I'm comfortable coping with my own pain but hurting someone else? It wrecks me. I'm so empathetic that there are times I can be in a small space with strangers (say an elevator) and I can feel their emotions.
So the intensity of being connected to another person and knowing that I hurt them could be a struggle for me.
Be that as it may, I'll cross that bridge when I get there I suppose.
I'm still taking life one day at a time. Fortunately today is a little easier, a little softer and a little lighter. I can breath better today and I can walk with greater ease & energy.
Part of the ease is Mary's advice and part of it is simply knowing this truth: love is energy (as almost everything is in our Universe) and as such, energy (love) is never created nor destroyed. It simply changes form. That's one of the laws of thermodynamics (the first perhaps?? can't recall exactly and don't feel like Googling it).
I take comfort in knowing love never ceases to exist, it simply changes. And change is good..or so sayeth Taco Bell. God knows I abhor fast food but not Toxic H*ll. It's comfort food for my soul. ;)
Anyway, my point is that I take comfort in knowing the love I have for TX is there as his love for me. It just changed as does life. And that's a good thing. Life is more interesting for that reason. I'll take interesting and I'll take life.
I'm not one for doing things because other people tell me to. Definitely not. I have a stubborn streak a country mile wide and if I dig in my heels, forget it. You aren't getting anywhere with me.
But sweet talk me? Sure I'll help you. Just phrase it properly and if I like you, I'm there in a heartbeat.
Yes I can be handled.
But anyway, that isn't the point of my post.
My point is that often our hearts know exactly what to do but our heads won't let our hearts act. Too much ego and not enough purity of spirit.
I spoke with Mary last night and told her what has happened in the last week (I can barely believe it's only been 7 days - it feels like 7 months if not years). I told her about my big hang up (#2 as we discussed yesterday). And she told me to simply let go.
Just let go of that bile, that fear and that rawness.
It was all I needed to hear and it eased my heart. She is a good soul who tells me what I need to hear (although it is not always what I want to hear)!
She also went out to tell me there's someone else around and as soon as I open my heart, he will show up (she saw water - like he was a Water sign or extra sensitive, etc).
She also told me TX will come back by summer. She said I may have to choose between the two.
I realize for some that's a dream come true but that would be an uncomfortable position for me because it would mean someone would get hurt and it wouldn't be me. That is not a position I've been in very often...perhaps only once or twice in my lifetime have I had to break up with someone or let someone go from my life.
Although the one significant time I did let someone go was my birth mother. I'm not sure I ever stopped to think about whether or not that act hurt her. There's fuel for another post!
As I've said in previous posts, it's rare that I have had to break off a relationship. So I'm comfortable coping with my own pain but hurting someone else? It wrecks me. I'm so empathetic that there are times I can be in a small space with strangers (say an elevator) and I can feel their emotions.
So the intensity of being connected to another person and knowing that I hurt them could be a struggle for me.
Be that as it may, I'll cross that bridge when I get there I suppose.
I'm still taking life one day at a time. Fortunately today is a little easier, a little softer and a little lighter. I can breath better today and I can walk with greater ease & energy.
Part of the ease is Mary's advice and part of it is simply knowing this truth: love is energy (as almost everything is in our Universe) and as such, energy (love) is never created nor destroyed. It simply changes form. That's one of the laws of thermodynamics (the first perhaps?? can't recall exactly and don't feel like Googling it).
I take comfort in knowing love never ceases to exist, it simply changes. And change is good..or so sayeth Taco Bell. God knows I abhor fast food but not Toxic H*ll. It's comfort food for my soul. ;)
Anyway, my point is that I take comfort in knowing the love I have for TX is there as his love for me. It just changed as does life. And that's a good thing. Life is more interesting for that reason. I'll take interesting and I'll take life.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
The Big Give
Although TV isn't high on my list of priorities, I often (ok so far every week) have tuned in to watch Oprah's Big Give.
I love it.
Yes I love Oprah but even if this weren't her show, I would think it was bloody brilliant. It's about time we see this kind of spirit, enthusiasm and love on television.
It's nice to see America tune in too. If you haven't, grab your tissue box and settle into the couch at 8pm every Sunday night - well worth an hour of your time.
I love it.
Yes I love Oprah but even if this weren't her show, I would think it was bloody brilliant. It's about time we see this kind of spirit, enthusiasm and love on television.
It's nice to see America tune in too. If you haven't, grab your tissue box and settle into the couch at 8pm every Sunday night - well worth an hour of your time.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Revelations
Bare with me, I cut my finger today and it's affecting my typing skills so I apologize if there are typos! ;)
I've been in deep thought on something in particular during the last 24-48 hours. I've been wondering why I have or at least had a pattern of getting involved with men who would always choose to be with someone else.
Not all of my boyfriends did this. Some just left (I've never ended a serious relationship - it has always been him...there's another interesting pattern. I'm sure I'll talk about that in the future). The only men I've ever kicked to the curb have been guys I have dated for a short period of time and then decided I didn't really like.
So back to the choosing someone else thing. There have been a few serious relationships in my past who have left me for someone else (think of G, my own personal Mr. Big who left last year after being on & off for 12 years, who left because he had found the woman he was going to spend his life with and could no longer be my friend ... and then there's the guy I almost married after college who cheated...).
I'm hoping the most recent doesn't fall into this category but I was thinking if he did end things with me and eventually reconciled with his X - why would that affect me so much? Why does the thought of that make me feel so raw inside and feel like heaving my guts out? It truly is a very strong visceral reaction I have when I think about it - no exaggeration.
I'm a big believer in delving into your past if you see a pattern or if you want to change something. You can't continue to be the same person, doing the same things and feeling the same way - and then expect different results. That's a bit on the crazy side - it just doesn't work (which is why so many people don't change).
So what from my past was causing that feeling? Perhaps if I dug into the feeling and found the incident (probably numerous incidents knowing my childhood) that I associate with that feeling...maybe by discovering all of that I could begin to release it.
The one thing that came to mind was that my birth mother (there she is again) always chose to go back to "her family". She was only around me when the mood struck her and she felt like it. Basically whenever her guilt came up & bugged her enough - that's my theory.
Anyway, I wasn't sure this was the reason for my current visceral feelings & reactions because I didn't want to acknowledge that there is/was a part of me that wanted to be part of her family.
For so long I told myself I didn't want to be with her. She was (maybe still is) manipulative, narcisstic and generally f**ked up.
I even saw her be verbally and physically abusive to her other kids (just her stepkids - not her bio kids) on a few occasions.
Generally speaking, she is not a desirable mother figure. So intellectually I pushed all of my feelings of want & need for her - I pushed them away. I told myself there was no reason to ever want to be her daughter and I would've been better off if I hadn't. I've since let go of that feeling as she gave me many great gifts, the most vital being my birth!
But now I see that there was a part of me (as there is in EVERY little girl and EVERY woman) who wanted to be loved, accepted and welcomed by my birth mother.
And since she never chose me consistently, I have frequently chosen men who have done the same. I have taken this pattern from childhood into adulthood by going so far as to be friends and sometimes lovers with a man who would hop into & out of my life at his leisure. It's a very real feeling/residual affect & it was there.
On the positive side, G is long gone so I have at least broken that part of the pattern.
And thank heavens he's gone! G can stay away, truly. He is a good (albeit spiritually-lacking and misguided) man who has his own stuff and I am better off without him. Both intellectually and emotionally I know this to be true!
I don't need his acceptance or anyone else's to be the beautiful, loving, giving and incredible woman I am. I am here and sharing my gifts with the world.
If someone chooses not to receive my gifts, then they do. It is simply their choice just as some people choose vanilla over chocolate (although why anyone is crazy enough to choose anything other than chocolate is beyond me..), some people choose to be in my life and some do not.
So if anyone from my past chooses to say in my past, then they do. If they choose to grow forward with me, then there is that option too.
And that's my revelation for the day. Now I need a nap, I feel exhausted!
I've been in deep thought on something in particular during the last 24-48 hours. I've been wondering why I have or at least had a pattern of getting involved with men who would always choose to be with someone else.
Not all of my boyfriends did this. Some just left (I've never ended a serious relationship - it has always been him...there's another interesting pattern. I'm sure I'll talk about that in the future). The only men I've ever kicked to the curb have been guys I have dated for a short period of time and then decided I didn't really like.
So back to the choosing someone else thing. There have been a few serious relationships in my past who have left me for someone else (think of G, my own personal Mr. Big who left last year after being on & off for 12 years, who left because he had found the woman he was going to spend his life with and could no longer be my friend ... and then there's the guy I almost married after college who cheated...).
I'm hoping the most recent doesn't fall into this category but I was thinking if he did end things with me and eventually reconciled with his X - why would that affect me so much? Why does the thought of that make me feel so raw inside and feel like heaving my guts out? It truly is a very strong visceral reaction I have when I think about it - no exaggeration.
I'm a big believer in delving into your past if you see a pattern or if you want to change something. You can't continue to be the same person, doing the same things and feeling the same way - and then expect different results. That's a bit on the crazy side - it just doesn't work (which is why so many people don't change).
So what from my past was causing that feeling? Perhaps if I dug into the feeling and found the incident (probably numerous incidents knowing my childhood) that I associate with that feeling...maybe by discovering all of that I could begin to release it.
The one thing that came to mind was that my birth mother (there she is again) always chose to go back to "her family". She was only around me when the mood struck her and she felt like it. Basically whenever her guilt came up & bugged her enough - that's my theory.
Anyway, I wasn't sure this was the reason for my current visceral feelings & reactions because I didn't want to acknowledge that there is/was a part of me that wanted to be part of her family.
For so long I told myself I didn't want to be with her. She was (maybe still is) manipulative, narcisstic and generally f**ked up.
I even saw her be verbally and physically abusive to her other kids (just her stepkids - not her bio kids) on a few occasions.
Generally speaking, she is not a desirable mother figure. So intellectually I pushed all of my feelings of want & need for her - I pushed them away. I told myself there was no reason to ever want to be her daughter and I would've been better off if I hadn't. I've since let go of that feeling as she gave me many great gifts, the most vital being my birth!
But now I see that there was a part of me (as there is in EVERY little girl and EVERY woman) who wanted to be loved, accepted and welcomed by my birth mother.
And since she never chose me consistently, I have frequently chosen men who have done the same. I have taken this pattern from childhood into adulthood by going so far as to be friends and sometimes lovers with a man who would hop into & out of my life at his leisure. It's a very real feeling/residual affect & it was there.
On the positive side, G is long gone so I have at least broken that part of the pattern.
And thank heavens he's gone! G can stay away, truly. He is a good (albeit spiritually-lacking and misguided) man who has his own stuff and I am better off without him. Both intellectually and emotionally I know this to be true!
I don't need his acceptance or anyone else's to be the beautiful, loving, giving and incredible woman I am. I am here and sharing my gifts with the world.
If someone chooses not to receive my gifts, then they do. It is simply their choice just as some people choose vanilla over chocolate (although why anyone is crazy enough to choose anything other than chocolate is beyond me..), some people choose to be in my life and some do not.
So if anyone from my past chooses to say in my past, then they do. If they choose to grow forward with me, then there is that option too.
And that's my revelation for the day. Now I need a nap, I feel exhausted!
Monday, March 17, 2008
Catharsis
I don't know if I will actually publish this post but I've got to write to get some things out of me. They are pressing inside, filling my chest and overtaking my body. Time to purge!
Over the weekend the thought came to me that I have been so afraid in relationship crossroads (such as the one I'm currently embedded in) because I feel afraid no one will fight for me. No one will fight for me as a woman. No one will fight for my love and all the love inside of me. (There is a great fountain of love that springs forth from my heart and soul but no one has chosen to drink from that fountain..at least not for very long and not for any lasting length of time).
And why is that? Where is that fear coming from? Why do I continue to put myself in these situations? There is an unresolved pattern here and I had to be willing to dig inside and look for the gunk holding it in place.
Gunk it was. It's old, leftover beliefs from my childhood. The childhood when my birth mother never fought for me. Instead, she made several attempts to recind all parental rights to me, her child, her offspring, her blood. (By the way did you know you could do that? Legally petition the courts to give up all parental rights to a child? I could live with that fact ommitted from my consciousness).
So she didn't fight for me. My dad never really did either. Not in any way that emotionally imbued itself on my psyche. There are countless weekends I can remember when I would cry, beg, plead and scream to my father in hopes he would let me stay with him at home.
Instead I was always ushered off to be with my birth mother and her family in a foreign place, a foreign bed with foreigners who neither knew me nor cared to know or understand me.
And that happened over a period of almost 14 years. Gunk sounds like an appropriate word now after that explanation right?
So through the past 2 decades I have placed myself in relationships with men and invariably we would come to a critical juncture in our relationship whether it would be moving in together, moving somewhere together or some other life-changing point.
And as my experiences would dictate, they would choose to go off without me. Leaving me feeling alone, foreign and without a sense of any real love.
On Saturday I spoke with my friend Mary (find her here - she's fantastic!). She is an intuitive/healer/etc and she is absolutely wonderful. She brought up this very point - that I was so afraid of what was going to happen next because I could never draw on an instance in my past when anyone I loved had ever fought for me.
In all my 31 - almost 32 - years on this planet, I have never felt that anyone loved me enough to fight for me, enough to say Lara I think you are worth the effort. You are worth the ups, the downs, the challenges and the triumphs.
It explains so much.
This belief I've held explains why I've rarely been promoted in any job; why I've rarely made a relatively comfortable living; why I've chosen jobs that were ok but not fantastic in every way; why I've chosen to sidestep my dream of publishing my book; why I often get so close to the finish line and then backtrack and defeat my previous efforts; why my business didn't succeed (if you ever want to know how you really feel about money you should open your business and charge for your services. You will see VERY quickly how you view yourself)...and of course why I continued to choose men who didn't fight for me.
So after some internal debate, searching and an exercise Mary gave me, I decided it was time to fight for me. I am a beautiful woman with a heart that would fill a nation with love, peace and joy. I am worth fighting for no matter what anyone else says, I KNOW this to be true.
I choose to fight for me. I choose ME. Even if no one else ever does, I do and that is all that truly matters.
That is where peace begins.
Whatever happens with Texas in the future is fine. I love him and want to spend decades getting to know him. I do. (And if you think it's too soon to feel that way -that's ok because that is your feeling & thought. These are my feelings and my decisions).
If it's not him, there will always be at least one person fighting for my place in this world and that person is me.
Over the weekend the thought came to me that I have been so afraid in relationship crossroads (such as the one I'm currently embedded in) because I feel afraid no one will fight for me. No one will fight for me as a woman. No one will fight for my love and all the love inside of me. (There is a great fountain of love that springs forth from my heart and soul but no one has chosen to drink from that fountain..at least not for very long and not for any lasting length of time).
And why is that? Where is that fear coming from? Why do I continue to put myself in these situations? There is an unresolved pattern here and I had to be willing to dig inside and look for the gunk holding it in place.
Gunk it was. It's old, leftover beliefs from my childhood. The childhood when my birth mother never fought for me. Instead, she made several attempts to recind all parental rights to me, her child, her offspring, her blood. (By the way did you know you could do that? Legally petition the courts to give up all parental rights to a child? I could live with that fact ommitted from my consciousness).
So she didn't fight for me. My dad never really did either. Not in any way that emotionally imbued itself on my psyche. There are countless weekends I can remember when I would cry, beg, plead and scream to my father in hopes he would let me stay with him at home.
Instead I was always ushered off to be with my birth mother and her family in a foreign place, a foreign bed with foreigners who neither knew me nor cared to know or understand me.
And that happened over a period of almost 14 years. Gunk sounds like an appropriate word now after that explanation right?
So through the past 2 decades I have placed myself in relationships with men and invariably we would come to a critical juncture in our relationship whether it would be moving in together, moving somewhere together or some other life-changing point.
And as my experiences would dictate, they would choose to go off without me. Leaving me feeling alone, foreign and without a sense of any real love.
On Saturday I spoke with my friend Mary (find her here - she's fantastic!). She is an intuitive/healer/etc and she is absolutely wonderful. She brought up this very point - that I was so afraid of what was going to happen next because I could never draw on an instance in my past when anyone I loved had ever fought for me.
In all my 31 - almost 32 - years on this planet, I have never felt that anyone loved me enough to fight for me, enough to say Lara I think you are worth the effort. You are worth the ups, the downs, the challenges and the triumphs.
It explains so much.
This belief I've held explains why I've rarely been promoted in any job; why I've rarely made a relatively comfortable living; why I've chosen jobs that were ok but not fantastic in every way; why I've chosen to sidestep my dream of publishing my book; why I often get so close to the finish line and then backtrack and defeat my previous efforts; why my business didn't succeed (if you ever want to know how you really feel about money you should open your business and charge for your services. You will see VERY quickly how you view yourself)...and of course why I continued to choose men who didn't fight for me.
So after some internal debate, searching and an exercise Mary gave me, I decided it was time to fight for me. I am a beautiful woman with a heart that would fill a nation with love, peace and joy. I am worth fighting for no matter what anyone else says, I KNOW this to be true.
I choose to fight for me. I choose ME. Even if no one else ever does, I do and that is all that truly matters.
That is where peace begins.
Whatever happens with Texas in the future is fine. I love him and want to spend decades getting to know him. I do. (And if you think it's too soon to feel that way -that's ok because that is your feeling & thought. These are my feelings and my decisions).
If it's not him, there will always be at least one person fighting for my place in this world and that person is me.
Tomorrow
So tomorrow is set to be the day I will get an answer and I will know "where he is headed next".
Lots of people have expressed sympathy for my situation and while I appreciate the support, sympathy isn't necessary. (Prayers are always welcome of course). This is simply a place we need to be in order to grow. My heart hopes we continue to grow together but whatever happens will be for my highest good and hopefully for his as well.
He has been a blessing and I am so grateful for the experiences we've had and for all we've shared. Here is to hoping for more.
You'll get an update when I do and when I can. Til then, just say a prayer please.
Lots of people have expressed sympathy for my situation and while I appreciate the support, sympathy isn't necessary. (Prayers are always welcome of course). This is simply a place we need to be in order to grow. My heart hopes we continue to grow together but whatever happens will be for my highest good and hopefully for his as well.
He has been a blessing and I am so grateful for the experiences we've had and for all we've shared. Here is to hoping for more.
You'll get an update when I do and when I can. Til then, just say a prayer please.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Growing closer and moving forward?
Life is always interesting - and usually that interesting adjective is preceded by a challenge...especially in relationships.
I wrote a few weeks ago about lack of time with Texas and how it was affecting us. It still is. We haven't spent much time together since then even though we talk almost every day - often via email throughout the day.
Well he spoke with his daughters about meeting me and they weren't too happy with the idea. In my opinion, it's a pretty natural response on their part. But he was upset by it and is concerned about upsetting them any further. They have adjusted well to living in 2 homes and having their parents apart; he doesn't want to make life any more difficult for them and I respect that.
Again in my opinion, if we slowly take our time introducing and integrating me into their lives, they will adjust. I don't expect it be butterflies and lollipops but I don't anticipate World War III either.
But it has really come down to what he wants to do next...if he wants our relationship to grow and move forward or not.
There's a big part of me that thinks he doesn't, that he is happy with where he is at in his life and doesn't see the need to add me and complicate matters. And it would complicate life for both of us and for his girls.
I think it would be worth it.
I guess this may be one time when love really doesn't conquer all. He will let me know by the end of the weekend I guess. Wish me luck and love.
I wrote a few weeks ago about lack of time with Texas and how it was affecting us. It still is. We haven't spent much time together since then even though we talk almost every day - often via email throughout the day.
Well he spoke with his daughters about meeting me and they weren't too happy with the idea. In my opinion, it's a pretty natural response on their part. But he was upset by it and is concerned about upsetting them any further. They have adjusted well to living in 2 homes and having their parents apart; he doesn't want to make life any more difficult for them and I respect that.
Again in my opinion, if we slowly take our time introducing and integrating me into their lives, they will adjust. I don't expect it be butterflies and lollipops but I don't anticipate World War III either.
But it has really come down to what he wants to do next...if he wants our relationship to grow and move forward or not.
There's a big part of me that thinks he doesn't, that he is happy with where he is at in his life and doesn't see the need to add me and complicate matters. And it would complicate life for both of us and for his girls.
I think it would be worth it.
I guess this may be one time when love really doesn't conquer all. He will let me know by the end of the weekend I guess. Wish me luck and love.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Challenges..
I've often talked about how life is full of challenges and it's part of what makes life worth living. If we don't have challenges, we won't grow. And if we don't grow, we die. Period. It's that simple. Just as in nature, growth is part of living. And growth is preceded by change which is often in the form of a challenge.
For the last few weeks I've faced a big challenge with the man I am dating. He has 2 young daughters and a demanding job...not to mention friends, family, volunteer work and hobbies. All of those things add up to a full schedule which makes time for us a bit difficult to come by.
The other night we talked on the phone about a few things and haven't really decided what to do. We want to continue seeing each other and to build our relationship. We just don't know how to do that because neither one of us has really been down this path before.
And I'm ok with that. I'm ok with not knowing exactly how many nights he can give me from week to week. I'm ok with his kids being his first priority. Frankly, I would punch him in the head if they weren't. I'm ok with the fact that he volunteers and it takes up some of his free time. He wouldn't be who he is if he didn't have all of these things. I want him for who he is and all of those things make him the man he is.
What I'm not ok with is giving up or quitting because things are hard or because we have challenges. I've never been a person to back down from a challenge or a difficult situation...not if my heart wanted it.
And my heart wants him. A lot. More than I've wanted anyone else in a very, very long time.
I just don't know if he wants this enough. I guess time will tell.
For the last few weeks I've faced a big challenge with the man I am dating. He has 2 young daughters and a demanding job...not to mention friends, family, volunteer work and hobbies. All of those things add up to a full schedule which makes time for us a bit difficult to come by.
The other night we talked on the phone about a few things and haven't really decided what to do. We want to continue seeing each other and to build our relationship. We just don't know how to do that because neither one of us has really been down this path before.
And I'm ok with that. I'm ok with not knowing exactly how many nights he can give me from week to week. I'm ok with his kids being his first priority. Frankly, I would punch him in the head if they weren't. I'm ok with the fact that he volunteers and it takes up some of his free time. He wouldn't be who he is if he didn't have all of these things. I want him for who he is and all of those things make him the man he is.
What I'm not ok with is giving up or quitting because things are hard or because we have challenges. I've never been a person to back down from a challenge or a difficult situation...not if my heart wanted it.
And my heart wants him. A lot. More than I've wanted anyone else in a very, very long time.
I just don't know if he wants this enough. I guess time will tell.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
And then there was one...
If you've read any of my previous posts you've been privvy to my dating life: the ups, the downs, the highs and lows. All good fun and every experience was worth the investment.
The whole purpose of multiple dating was to take the pressure off of just one man and let things naturally evolve and have fun. For the most part it was fun and I did enjoy myself. I met new people, went to new places and tried some new stuff. All good times in my book. ;)
Shortly after the new year I went on a first date with a man I met online. We chatted for a few days prior to our date so we both knew a bit about the other and we knew we shared a similar sense of humor. He was (and is - bit of foreshadowing there for you along with the title of this post) incredibly funny, smart and charming.
Still...I've had a few first dates that seemed as though they would work out well but in the end, didn't. So I wasn't holding my breath - we both went into the night with the expectation of hanging out and laughing..that's all.
And laugh we did! Throughout our trip to Home Depot, throughout our dinner and during our star-gazing, wine-sharing & snuggling time.
We had a brilliant first date and didn't want the night to end.
I can safely say I haven't had a date that great in years. I mean YEARS. In fact I don't think I've dated a man this terrific in close to 8 years.
So in the weeks following our first date we've seen each other as much as possible and talk frequently via email & phone conversations. Yes I am a smitten kitten. Don't you love that phrase?! And you'll be happy to know (or at least I'm happy to tell you), he is also. Well not a kitten but he's smitten too.
In some respects it seems odd to feel so much for a man I've only known for a brief period of time but when you know, you know. It's just that simple for me.
About damn time too - simple works for me. Complicated, withdrawn, mixed signals don't work and they never will. It's refreshing to be with a man who tells me how much he likes me and likes being with me. A man who respects me and treats with me kindness, friendship and adoration.
And do you know how I did it? I got very, very, very clear about what I wanted in a man and what I wanted in a relationship. Simply (there it is again - simple) this was done by making a list over the course of several days and the list contained everything I did NOT want in a man. And then I took the list and wrote out everything I did want based on my internal thoughts and based on my list of don't wants.
After I made the list I believed I'd find him and it would work. I felt the feelings of being loved, giving loving and receiving love.
Often the simple things are simple but not easy and sometimes believing was hard.
But I am nothing if not a persistent pain in the **s so I kept at it and he showed up.
I have a great feeling about him, about us and about what he adds to my life. I feel very, very good about this man and I hope we continue seeing each other. Either way it's already been a beneficial relationship for me and I hope he can say the same.
There is much more to share about my involvement with him but that is for another day, another post.
The whole purpose of multiple dating was to take the pressure off of just one man and let things naturally evolve and have fun. For the most part it was fun and I did enjoy myself. I met new people, went to new places and tried some new stuff. All good times in my book. ;)
Shortly after the new year I went on a first date with a man I met online. We chatted for a few days prior to our date so we both knew a bit about the other and we knew we shared a similar sense of humor. He was (and is - bit of foreshadowing there for you along with the title of this post) incredibly funny, smart and charming.
Still...I've had a few first dates that seemed as though they would work out well but in the end, didn't. So I wasn't holding my breath - we both went into the night with the expectation of hanging out and laughing..that's all.
And laugh we did! Throughout our trip to Home Depot, throughout our dinner and during our star-gazing, wine-sharing & snuggling time.
We had a brilliant first date and didn't want the night to end.
I can safely say I haven't had a date that great in years. I mean YEARS. In fact I don't think I've dated a man this terrific in close to 8 years.
So in the weeks following our first date we've seen each other as much as possible and talk frequently via email & phone conversations. Yes I am a smitten kitten. Don't you love that phrase?! And you'll be happy to know (or at least I'm happy to tell you), he is also. Well not a kitten but he's smitten too.
In some respects it seems odd to feel so much for a man I've only known for a brief period of time but when you know, you know. It's just that simple for me.
About damn time too - simple works for me. Complicated, withdrawn, mixed signals don't work and they never will. It's refreshing to be with a man who tells me how much he likes me and likes being with me. A man who respects me and treats with me kindness, friendship and adoration.
And do you know how I did it? I got very, very, very clear about what I wanted in a man and what I wanted in a relationship. Simply (there it is again - simple) this was done by making a list over the course of several days and the list contained everything I did NOT want in a man. And then I took the list and wrote out everything I did want based on my internal thoughts and based on my list of don't wants.
After I made the list I believed I'd find him and it would work. I felt the feelings of being loved, giving loving and receiving love.
Often the simple things are simple but not easy and sometimes believing was hard.
But I am nothing if not a persistent pain in the **s so I kept at it and he showed up.
I have a great feeling about him, about us and about what he adds to my life. I feel very, very good about this man and I hope we continue seeing each other. Either way it's already been a beneficial relationship for me and I hope he can say the same.
There is much more to share about my involvement with him but that is for another day, another post.
Monday, December 10, 2007
My new home...
Yes I am going to move again I have decided. This time I'm leaving Denver behind. And I am embracing Boulder.
Although I didn't get the job offer in Boulder I decided it's time to go where my heart wants to be - Boulder. I want to be in a place where spirituality is the norm, biking & walking are standard modes of transportation and not the bus or Hummer SUVs, and where alternative practices are welcomed with open arms.
That place is Boulder and that place is me.
I think I knew it the first time I visited the city and my heart has wanted to move there for the last 3 years.
Natch my brain told me that was silly since I had just moved to Denver so I ignored my longings and made due in Denver. I found metaphysical shops to suit my needs with wonderfully kind & creative owners; I found local churchs I enjoyed visiting and I found some like-minded people to share my time with.
But not enough. I haven't been immersed in groups of people who embrace progressive self-development and actualization. I have frequently been at the head of the pack among people I know and I want to be surrounded with people who are light years ahead of me. People who can and will teach me to have more compassion, more love, more honesty with myself and with others.
I want to continue my growth and the place to do it is in Boulder.
Wish me luck!
Although I didn't get the job offer in Boulder I decided it's time to go where my heart wants to be - Boulder. I want to be in a place where spirituality is the norm, biking & walking are standard modes of transportation and not the bus or Hummer SUVs, and where alternative practices are welcomed with open arms.
That place is Boulder and that place is me.
I think I knew it the first time I visited the city and my heart has wanted to move there for the last 3 years.
Natch my brain told me that was silly since I had just moved to Denver so I ignored my longings and made due in Denver. I found metaphysical shops to suit my needs with wonderfully kind & creative owners; I found local churchs I enjoyed visiting and I found some like-minded people to share my time with.
But not enough. I haven't been immersed in groups of people who embrace progressive self-development and actualization. I have frequently been at the head of the pack among people I know and I want to be surrounded with people who are light years ahead of me. People who can and will teach me to have more compassion, more love, more honesty with myself and with others.
I want to continue my growth and the place to do it is in Boulder.
Wish me luck!
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Dating Rotation
Since I haven't gotten the results I've wanted in my love life, I decided to do something different. I made a decision to have a dating rotation.
Much like a pitching rotation, I have been talking to or dating approximately five men. They are all quite different and the experiences have been interesting.
There isn't one man in the main starting spot but there are 2 who have a significant leg up on the competition.
But the most interesting thing so far has been to simply observe them. Some of them know they are in a rotation, some do not. At least I haven't verbally told them they are one among many. However, even the ones who do not expressly know they are among a pack, seem to respond as though they are.
What I mean by that is they instinctively know they are in a competition. And it's fascinating.
Of the top 2, one has been around for a month or two now. We've had some fun, had a few dates and gotten to know each other. For awhile, he was the only man up for consideration.
But when it became apparent he wasn't going to move into the full-time slot all that soon, I upped the ante. I added more boys to the rotation to keep myself in circulation and take the pressure off the situation with him.
As I did that, he became more responsive and a bit more interested in me.
He called me, asked about me without any provocation from me. He was showing me his interest without me having to show interest first. And that was pretty big because up to this point, it's been coming from me.
And when I saw him the other night it was much like an actual date. We had dinner, drinks & talked for a few hours. We've spent time together in the past but had only one semi-real date.This was a lovely change of pace.
I have to admit he's very close to the #1 spot but the timing just doesn't seem right yet so he'll stay in the rotation with the top spot remaining up for grabs.
Many many people have recommended multiple dating to me in the past but I had shyed away from it (for any number of reasons). Now I'm beginning to see dating as fun and enjoyable - it doesn't have to go anywhere (like a relationship or marriage - although that would be cool if it did).
There is a belief that what you don't NEED can be yours. I've come to learn this is true in every area of life from love to money to fitness.
I put this to the test but telling myself I don't need a relationship but I desire one. And now I have several! :) :)
Much like a pitching rotation, I have been talking to or dating approximately five men. They are all quite different and the experiences have been interesting.
There isn't one man in the main starting spot but there are 2 who have a significant leg up on the competition.
But the most interesting thing so far has been to simply observe them. Some of them know they are in a rotation, some do not. At least I haven't verbally told them they are one among many. However, even the ones who do not expressly know they are among a pack, seem to respond as though they are.
What I mean by that is they instinctively know they are in a competition. And it's fascinating.
Of the top 2, one has been around for a month or two now. We've had some fun, had a few dates and gotten to know each other. For awhile, he was the only man up for consideration.
But when it became apparent he wasn't going to move into the full-time slot all that soon, I upped the ante. I added more boys to the rotation to keep myself in circulation and take the pressure off the situation with him.
As I did that, he became more responsive and a bit more interested in me.
He called me, asked about me without any provocation from me. He was showing me his interest without me having to show interest first. And that was pretty big because up to this point, it's been coming from me.
And when I saw him the other night it was much like an actual date. We had dinner, drinks & talked for a few hours. We've spent time together in the past but had only one semi-real date.This was a lovely change of pace.
I have to admit he's very close to the #1 spot but the timing just doesn't seem right yet so he'll stay in the rotation with the top spot remaining up for grabs.
Many many people have recommended multiple dating to me in the past but I had shyed away from it (for any number of reasons). Now I'm beginning to see dating as fun and enjoyable - it doesn't have to go anywhere (like a relationship or marriage - although that would be cool if it did).
There is a belief that what you don't NEED can be yours. I've come to learn this is true in every area of life from love to money to fitness.
I put this to the test but telling myself I don't need a relationship but I desire one. And now I have several! :) :)
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