Post-holiday letdown

In my last update (or one of the my last updates), I shared that this would be my first holiday season in Colorado. I would not be joining the rest of my family and friends in Wisconsin.


I did stay in Boulder for the holiday season and it was very low-key and relaxed. In fact it was almost nourishing and I felt much calmer and more centered than I have during any other holiday season. It was nice.





I didn't do much of anything - visited my friend in Fort Collins and lounged on the couch. Of course I was sick the entire week after Christmas so that added to my lounging. But overall it was just a much simpler Christmas than I've ever had.


Would I do it all over again? Yes. Will I do it again next year? Hard to say. I missed my family so very much, it hurts my heart to think about them. But it was wonderful to not have to be around tons of married couples and kids. I mean that in a kind way - it's very difficult to be around people who have what I want and haven't managed to find. It's like being on a diet and being in a roomful of chocolate cake (or whatever your favorite food happens to be). It's tough to see what you don't have but truly want...and NOT be affected by seeing it.


I'm not sure that accurately conveys my feelings but it's the best way I can explain.


But now I find myself in a bit of a post-holiday slump. 2009 is here and I am feeling reticent to fully embrace this year with open arms.


I'm feeling a bit disoriented and distracted by my everyday life - like why I am going to a job I don't really like? Why am I even attempting to date? What is my real purpose in this lifetime? Am I on the right track? Am I any good at what I do?


I don't have the answers to all of those questions. I'm not sure I have the answers to ANY of those questions!! But I am searching because that's what I do. And my Taurus/Capricorn tenacity won't let me stop til I find the answers...or uncover them from within as it were.


Some of my angst stems from an opportunity I have that I feel I may have to postpone due to finances. I have the chance to be a part of a copywriting coaching program. It's fairly expensive as all coaching programs are and I'm certain it's worth the money. But I have access to about 1/10 of the total right now.


And it's a bit daunting to move so quickly on this - I'd need a grand by this Friday. I have maybe half of that right now.


So I am considering making this program an investment in 2009...meaning I would postpone starting this program for the next month or two while I save up at least half of the total.


I'm not even sure that's an option for the person who will be coaching me so I have to check that out as well. This is definitely something I must do in order to move ahead with my copywriting career - there's no question about that - it's simply a matter of when am I going to do it. We'll see.


So that is one part of my angst. The other part contributing to my mood is of course dating.


I think I may be completely out of my element when it comes to the dating world. In some respects I'd be happy to go back to 1905 so I can just be courted. I don't have to worry about calling him, asking him out, etc. Blah.


But seriously who am I kidding? I couldn't deal with being a woman in the early 1900s and having so little independence. So if this is the price I must pay for the prize then so be it, I will.


I met or re-met rather a friend's friend the other night at a party. I thought he was attractive when I met him and after talking with him a bit more I was interested in getting to know him better. It just so happens he lives near my house so we walked home together that night and exchanged phone numbers.


Well the entire week passed and he didn't call. Granted it was the holidays but still...I thought if he was interested he would have called.


So I broke down and sent him a text. We agreed to go out for coffee this week. We'll see if it actually happens though.


I guess I will simply continue to learn my lessons and grow with each passing involvement. Hopefully one will turn into a loving, supportive and worthwhile relationship. :)


And so 2009 is here with the same challenges I've been facing the last few years: love and money.


My commitment is to make myself grow bigger and beyond those challenges - to grow into the challenge of being in a healthy relationship and being an even bigger provider to the world. It's worth a shot!

Rollercoaster ride

What a week it has been already. I told you briefly about TX. We did email & he explained to me he's keeping in touch with people he met on that site. He said he is not dating and he is sorry he hurt me, very sorry.


So at least that was easier to hear than to hear he's dating again.


It opened an old wound to talk to him but I feel a bit better now that we've discussed the situation. It still means I have a ways to go before I'm comfortable with him dating anyone else. And I have to get there, eventually.


But today is not that day and that's ok.


And I told you about the Friday mtg. Yesterday I began looking & applying for part-time work (admin type stuff) in Boulder. I was really looking for a marketing firm or similar to work for - preferably upwards of 30 hours a week. I knew if I found that type of position, I could find clients and work to fill the rest of my week (promoting my classes for example).


Today I applied for a job, explained I was transitioning to part-time for the next few years. I gave them my resume and said if they were interested in a long-term PT person, I'd love to meet with them.


They contacted me a few hours later and we set up a meeting for Friday morning (when I will be calling into work, conveniently enough).


Later today, the person I'm meeting with emailed to say he had passed along my resume to his boss who was in need of a copywriter, an emergency project (aren't they all??). I said sign me up!


Well I didn't say that exactly but I told him I was definitely interested in talking with his boss.


So the boss called, we talked, there will be emails exchanged and a project will probably come into my lap.


Woo woo for me!!!!


I'm constantly amazed at how well things work out when you simply have faith. I prayed to my angels last night to help me stay open to opportunities and allow more money, more writing and more fun into my life. And look what happened? You may think it's a coincidence and that's your opinion.


I on the other hand believe I decided what I wanted, opened it up (believed and felt I deserved it) and let it happen however it naturally showed up on my doorstep.


And here it is. Already!


What a week. I feel the need to celebrate somehow!

WTF

That about sums up how I feel about the last 3-4 days. WTF? WTF is going on with people? Why do so many people suck?


I suppose I can backtrack a bit and explain where all of my modified F expressions are coming from.


On Friday I was called into my boss' office (rarely a good thing - they always schedule your promotions & raises well in advance on a calendar) and was told I had had too many mistakes since January. I was told to fix them or I would be let go in 3 weeks.


Part of me was angry because this job is just sucky, part of me didn't care (which is awful, I abhor apathy) and part of me was sad. I'd rather not be fired. I'd prefer to find a better job in the next 3 weeks. It could happen I think.


My boss & I chatted for a bit and he's a good guy, he understands how negative this place is and how difficult it is to work in a job where you are only recognized when you F up. (Yes lots of F bombs in my vocab the last few days...sorry). He also heard me when I told him I have an immense amount of experience doing terrific writing assignments and handling multiple, ongoing projects. As he said, I am overqualified for what I do.


While this is true, I have repeatedly expressed interest in staying with this company and finding a better fit for me. Mainly, I'd prefer to do something I enjoy with them for awhile til I can go out on my own again, full-time. Currently my freelance isn't at that pitch but it will be in time.


So that was Friday afternoon.


I left early, went to Wash Park and had a pity party for myself. Even though I don't believe the voice in my head, it told me I was an abject failure in work, in relationships and even my health lately. Clearly my faith as well - I have struggled to believe in good things when it seems a majority of my life has fallen apart.


After a 2-hr pityfest, I got angry. Angry at myself for even allowing those thoughts into my head. I have no right to call myself a failure. I am intelligent, hard-working and I always persevere. No matter what. So that's what I told myself: I promised ME that I would succeed no matter what.


No matter if I'm fired - no matter what. No matter if no one else believes in me - no matter what. No matter if that stupid voice in my head doesn't shut up - no matter what. I will succeed.


Just the fact that I arrived at that place is a huge success compared to previous similar experiences.


Going through the experience of last Friday helped me to see I am in a similar boat as I have been several times in the past.


So when I am going to do something about? That's what I asked myself.


I decided now was as good of time as any.


I'm not quite sure what I'm doing next or where I will be but today I am making time to talk to my therapist and get a plan of action. It is up to me so it will be.


The rest of my weekend was quite good; I met some new people from my church (young adult group), did some hiking and read.


Sunday night I decided it was time to date again.


So I decided to join the web site I had belonged to prior to meeting TX. And guess who is an active member?


Oh yeah, he is.


I was shocked to say the least...that was quickly followed by anger, betrayal and hurt. It's clear he's been a member for awhile so obviously he hasn't taken the time to heal or clear up any of his old wounds. He's just biding his time by dating new women.


I understand different people grieve in different ways. Typically (from what my male friends tell me) men move on by dating again. I move on AFTER I have healed.


Regardless of his dating status, it hurt immensely that he couldn't tell me he wasn't ready for a commitment. That's obviously why he left our relationship. He can only handle superficial involvements.


I have a lot more respect for someone who can own their emotional space than someone who hides it from himself.


I only wanted him to be happy and healthy. I doubt he'll get either one of those things based on his current actions.


So he hasn't written me back and I'm not sure he will.


That isn't important. The only thing that is important right now is that I know there is someone much stronger emotionally and he is out there looking for me.


There is an incredible man who wants to love and be loved by me; a man who wants to be my partner and perhaps eventually my husband. I will only be with a man who is in that place. Everyone else can take a hike.


It was a tough thing for me to see but it made moving on much clearer and much easier...and that is a gift. It feels a bit like a hidden gift wrapped in some pain but it is a gift nonetheless.


As was my Friday chat. My gift is knowing I don't belong here and I shouldn't expand energy thinking I may find a better position within the company.


Obviously I'm not valued and it's time to find people who will love me and give me the space to share my talents and gifts with them. I know they are out there, I know that job is out there.


Now I'm asking the Universe to send it to me by whatever means necessary (Ok I'd rather it be in a safe, friendly & loving manner).


Both of my gifts will lay the foundation for future blessings and an even more abundant, beautiful life. But damn it was tough to come to that conclusion (and yes I said WTF a lot).