Week #4

Here we are - Week Four of The Presence Process.



I have experienced a great deal of challenges in the past week. In fact I cried during almost every meditation last week - it was exhausting and emotionally brutal on many levels.



I almost made the tough decision to stay in Colorado for Christmas. It is my first holiday without my family and it pulls at my heart.



But it was a necessary step for me. I need to stay in CO to save money and for some other reason I haven't been able to articulate. Something inside of me is saying to be here over the holidays...not sure of the reason but I am going to listen to my own inner voice. And that's a practice I am doing more and more of lately.



Sometimes I marvel at how little I heed my own desires/internal voice - and how often I do what I think other people want me to do.



I am beginning to truly understand that when we all follow our own paths, our own callings...then we can all be present in our lives and achieve an authentic life for ourselves.



I knew that on an intellectual level but I am finally feeling it inside of my body (and being the Taurus/Capricorn Earth sign that I am I have to feel something before I can truly understand it).



In other news, I have none. ;) No boys. I went out on a few dates over the last few weeks but none of them seem to be leaning towards a romantic involvement. They are all nice guys who I will be friends with but for various reasons I doubt they will become more.



One is a friend who just moved here. I think he smokes so he's out! I can tolerate a lot but that's a dealbreaker for me. ;)



The other is the drummer boy from last year. I asked for what I wanted (just some time to hang out) and I've gotten no response. So there's my answer! HA! It's all right. He's a good guy.



The other guy is also a friend who just isn't compatible in a romantic way.



Back to square one in that department which is fine. I believe in letting doors close so new ones can open. I'm looking for the new one!

Last Fall Revisited

So during the course of November there's a certain X who has come back into my life... or at least he was I have no clue where we are at right now.

The drummer I dated briefly last fall/winter is calling again.

It started off with Facebook (because really doesn't everything happen on Facebook...) and then a series of naughty messages. Those messages led to an encounter (we revisited one of our favorite shared past times: movies of a certain kind, you fill in the blank) which led to another encounter at my house. Then there was a 3rd interaction on his kitchen counter followed by a let's hang out and have a drink and talk for awhile evening which ended on his couch again.

The really interesting thing is that each of these interludes has become more intimate in some way. I've seen more of him in the last three weeks (from an emotional standpoint) then I ever saw all of last year.

I'm not sure what to make of it, of him or of what I want from him. It's all still a bit new and at times intriguing.

And other times (like when we don't talk for a few days) it's not as intriguing.

At this point I am entertaining the option of getting to know him better on more than just a superficial level. The real trick is how to let him know I'd like to hang out without being my usual forceful and direct self. He doesn't seem to respond well to that - he's a Scorpio which is a fixed Water sign. I'm a Taurus which is a fixed Earth sign. For non-astro peeps that means neither of us likes to be told what to do or to feel like we are being given orders/directives.

I think a casual movie night might be a good "in" so I have contacted him but have had no response. We'll see what happens.

All I know for sure is that there is a reason he's back - there was something I didn't learn in the last go-round that I need to learn again and hopefully the same can be said for him. Mary () told me my lesson is to be detached from the outcome while still asking for what I want.

Bless her heart I know she's right but it feels a little easier said than done. ;)

I'll keep you updated.

The Presence Process

So I'm reading and going through something called The Presence Process.


My roommate suggested the book and suggested we go through it together. All it consists of is reading, doing some breathwork every morning and evening followed by some processing tools (stuff to help you figure out what's going on internally).


I'm always in for a growth opportunity so I agreed to do it.


So here we are on Day 2. I notice some considerable differences after the breathing exercises - I have more energy in the morning (and if you know me you'll know that's a flippin' miracle), I feel more vibrant and the world is crisper, clearer in my vision and I feel more grounded in my body.


The only struggle so far has come up today. I have experienced feelings of sadness, loneliness and longing for a man in my life.


Now whether or not those feelings are attributable to the Presence Process or just to the back to back Cancer-Leo moon...well that I don't know.


I should explain that statement by saying that my 7th house has Leo in Mars and Cancer in Saturn. The 7th house rules relationships and when you have a sign in a planet in a house that makes the house a lot stronger. I can get deeper but you get the jist - I want a boy and I want to cuddle...that sums it up.


Anyway my plan is to update this blog with my trials and discoveries along the way through the PP. I am intrigued to see where this will go!

Busy Bee

Well I have been keeping busy this past week. My workload was exceptionally heavy yesterday - hence no posting here - and this morning was been about the same.


All weeklong I have made plans in the evening so I haven't been sitting at home, feeling lonely and depressed. Keeping my social calendar full has helped somewhat but I still miss him.


The bright spot of today was that I didn't cry til almost noon. That is quite a miracle. :)


The rest of the week is shaping up to be equally busy. Tonight I'm going to yoga and hopefully catching up with a few friends on the phone. Tomorrow night I'm hanging with a few friends and Saturday I have volunteer work plus a meeting with a client to get his marketing plan together and move forward with it.


Sunday will be my day to stay home, cook, clean and be domestic. There is a potluck dinner where I volunteer but I don't know if I will go. It would be good to socialize but we'll see what my energy level is like. Right now, I feel tired.


The week is almost over and it feels good to put a few more days between the break-up and my current life. It just helps me to heal as I allow time to pass.


It also helps when I let go of my attachment to him and just let my heart bask in the love we shared. That's a nice feeling...til my flippin' ego steps in and demands more of it. *sigh* What's a girl to do?! ;) Meditation & yoga that's what.


No revelations the last 2 days. I feel exhausted and need to recover from the mental and emotional strain of the last week so I'm letting my inner dialogue rest now. Although I have decided to go to counseling. DU offers free treatments if you are comfortable with an open session. Open means you meet with a counselor who is in training while certified counselors watch the session (on an open video feed? behind a one-sided glass window? not sure).


I'm fine with all of that - I think it will help me cope with my long-suffering, lifelong plague: abandoment issues. I don't know what else I can do to fix that crap on my own but I have to do something and this is the first thing that appeared. I start next Monday. You'll get a full report. :)


Til then enjoy your week. I wish you peace, love, support and blessings.

Let It Go

Isn't it funny how if someone gives us permission to do something, we feel comfortable doing it - more so than if it's a decision we make by ourselves?


I'm not one for doing things because other people tell me to. Definitely not. I have a stubborn streak a country mile wide and if I dig in my heels, forget it. You aren't getting anywhere with me.


But sweet talk me? Sure I'll help you. Just phrase it properly and if I like you, I'm there in a heartbeat.


Yes I can be handled.


But anyway, that isn't the point of my post.


My point is that often our hearts know exactly what to do but our heads won't let our hearts act. Too much ego and not enough purity of spirit.


I spoke with Mary last night and told her what has happened in the last week (I can barely believe it's only been 7 days - it feels like 7 months if not years). I told her about my big hang up (#2 as we discussed yesterday). And she told me to simply let go.


Just let go of that bile, that fear and that rawness.


It was all I needed to hear and it eased my heart. She is a good soul who tells me what I need to hear (although it is not always what I want to hear)!


She also went out to tell me there's someone else around and as soon as I open my heart, he will show up (she saw water - like he was a Water sign or extra sensitive, etc).


She also told me TX will come back by summer. She said I may have to choose between the two.


I realize for some that's a dream come true but that would be an uncomfortable position for me because it would mean someone would get hurt and it wouldn't be me. That is not a position I've been in very often...perhaps only once or twice in my lifetime have I had to break up with someone or let someone go from my life.


Although the one significant time I did let someone go was my birth mother. I'm not sure I ever stopped to think about whether or not that act hurt her. There's fuel for another post!


As I've said in previous posts, it's rare that I have had to break off a relationship. So I'm comfortable coping with my own pain but hurting someone else? It wrecks me. I'm so empathetic that there are times I can be in a small space with strangers (say an elevator) and I can feel their emotions.


So the intensity of being connected to another person and knowing that I hurt them could be a struggle for me.


Be that as it may, I'll cross that bridge when I get there I suppose.


I'm still taking life one day at a time. Fortunately today is a little easier, a little softer and a little lighter. I can breath better today and I can walk with greater ease & energy.


Part of the ease is Mary's advice and part of it is simply knowing this truth: love is energy (as almost everything is in our Universe) and as such, energy (love) is never created nor destroyed. It simply changes form. That's one of the laws of thermodynamics (the first perhaps?? can't recall exactly and don't feel like Googling it).


I take comfort in knowing love never ceases to exist, it simply changes. And change is good..or so sayeth Taco Bell. God knows I abhor fast food but not Toxic H*ll. It's comfort food for my soul. ;)


Anyway, my point is that I take comfort in knowing the love I have for TX is there as his love for me. It just changed as does life. And that's a good thing. Life is more interesting for that reason. I'll take interesting and I'll take life.

And then there was one...

If you've read any of my previous posts you've been privvy to my dating life: the ups, the downs, the highs and lows. All good fun and every experience was worth the investment.

The whole purpose of multiple dating was to take the pressure off of just one man and let things naturally evolve and have fun. For the most part it was fun and I did enjoy myself. I met new people, went to new places and tried some new stuff. All good times in my book. ;)

Shortly after the new year I went on a first date with a man I met online. We chatted for a few days prior to our date so we both knew a bit about the other and we knew we shared a similar sense of humor. He was (and is - bit of foreshadowing there for you along with the title of this post) incredibly funny, smart and charming.

Still...I've had a few first dates that seemed as though they would work out well but in the end, didn't. So I wasn't holding my breath - we both went into the night with the expectation of hanging out and laughing..that's all.

And laugh we did! Throughout our trip to Home Depot, throughout our dinner and during our star-gazing, wine-sharing & snuggling time.

We had a brilliant first date and didn't want the night to end.

I can safely say I haven't had a date that great in years. I mean YEARS. In fact I don't think I've dated a man this terrific in close to 8 years.

So in the weeks following our first date we've seen each other as much as possible and talk frequently via email & phone conversations. Yes I am a smitten kitten. Don't you love that phrase?! And you'll be happy to know (or at least I'm happy to tell you), he is also. Well not a kitten but he's smitten too.

In some respects it seems odd to feel so much for a man I've only known for a brief period of time but when you know, you know. It's just that simple for me.

About damn time too - simple works for me. Complicated, withdrawn, mixed signals don't work and they never will. It's refreshing to be with a man who tells me how much he likes me and likes being with me. A man who respects me and treats with me kindness, friendship and adoration.

And do you know how I did it? I got very, very, very clear about what I wanted in a man and what I wanted in a relationship. Simply (there it is again - simple) this was done by making a list over the course of several days and the list contained everything I did NOT want in a man. And then I took the list and wrote out everything I did want based on my internal thoughts and based on my list of don't wants.

After I made the list I believed I'd find him and it would work. I felt the feelings of being loved, giving loving and receiving love.

Often the simple things are simple but not easy and sometimes believing was hard.

But I am nothing if not a persistent pain in the **s so I kept at it and he showed up.

I have a great feeling about him, about us and about what he adds to my life. I feel very, very good about this man and I hope we continue seeing each other. Either way it's already been a beneficial relationship for me and I hope he can say the same.

There is much more to share about my involvement with him but that is for another day, another post.

Dating Rotation

Since I haven't gotten the results I've wanted in my love life, I decided to do something different. I made a decision to have a dating rotation.

Much like a pitching rotation, I have been talking to or dating approximately five men. They are all quite different and the experiences have been interesting.

There isn't one man in the main starting spot but there are 2 who have a significant leg up on the competition.

But the most interesting thing so far has been to simply observe them. Some of them know they are in a rotation, some do not. At least I haven't verbally told them they are one among many. However, even the ones who do not expressly know they are among a pack, seem to respond as though they are.

What I mean by that is they instinctively know they are in a competition. And it's fascinating.

Of the top 2, one has been around for a month or two now. We've had some fun, had a few dates and gotten to know each other. For awhile, he was the only man up for consideration.

But when it became apparent he wasn't going to move into the full-time slot all that soon, I upped the ante. I added more boys to the rotation to keep myself in circulation and take the pressure off the situation with him.

As I did that, he became more responsive and a bit more interested in me.

He called me, asked about me without any provocation from me. He was showing me his interest without me having to show interest first. And that was pretty big because up to this point, it's been coming from me.

And when I saw him the other night it was much like an actual date. We had dinner, drinks & talked for a few hours. We've spent time together in the past but had only one semi-real date.This was a lovely change of pace.

I have to admit he's very close to the #1 spot but the timing just doesn't seem right yet so he'll stay in the rotation with the top spot remaining up for grabs.

Many many people have recommended multiple dating to me in the past but I had shyed away from it (for any number of reasons). Now I'm beginning to see dating as fun and enjoyable - it doesn't have to go anywhere (like a relationship or marriage - although that would be cool if it did).

There is a belief that what you don't NEED can be yours. I've come to learn this is true in every area of life from love to money to fitness.

I put this to the test but telling myself I don't need a relationship but I desire one. And now I have several! :) :)