My heart has resembled a merry-go-round lately - up and down, up and down. Today was down but nothing I didn't anticipate. It's just a typical outcome in my typically abysmal love life.
And it's not the best time of year for me. I think I have had two Christmases with a SO. Yesterday on Christmas I realized that on one side of my family, I am the only grandchild over the age of 20 without a SO...and that's out of roughly a dozen. That was pretty disheartening and has dampened my holiday spirit a bit.
But I did go for a nice long run today and decided to register for a half-marathon in the spring and put a deposit down on an adventure trip this year. It's time to do things for me and to make my heart feel better.
Hope you all had a very merry Christmas.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
The Cave
If you know what I'm talking about when I refer to this phrase, read on. If not, it probably won't matter to you.
Apparently this is a guy thing - they go into The Cave when trying to solve problems. I'm not sure if that's what is happening in my current situation or if it's something else (John Gray calls it Rubberbanding). This seems to have happened each time I have seen the current man. We hang out, have a great time and then I leave and he doesn't call for a few weeks. We might chat online but that's it. Then he calls, we set a new date, he calls more frequently as the visit approaches until we see each other again.
Of course this is just an observation and may not hold up this time. He simply may not call again and we may not set another date to visit. We never made any firm plans for another visit and we may have broken some boundaries on this one. I do wonder if we got too close and it made him uncomfortable..it's possible. Our history is a checkered one to say the least and I wonder if we can overcome past experiences. I hope so but I guess time will be the best indicator.
In the meantime, I am trying to date and keep my options open. Love is a complicated bitch.
Apparently this is a guy thing - they go into The Cave when trying to solve problems. I'm not sure if that's what is happening in my current situation or if it's something else (John Gray calls it Rubberbanding). This seems to have happened each time I have seen the current man. We hang out, have a great time and then I leave and he doesn't call for a few weeks. We might chat online but that's it. Then he calls, we set a new date, he calls more frequently as the visit approaches until we see each other again.
Of course this is just an observation and may not hold up this time. He simply may not call again and we may not set another date to visit. We never made any firm plans for another visit and we may have broken some boundaries on this one. I do wonder if we got too close and it made him uncomfortable..it's possible. Our history is a checkered one to say the least and I wonder if we can overcome past experiences. I hope so but I guess time will be the best indicator.
In the meantime, I am trying to date and keep my options open. Love is a complicated bitch.
Five by Five
I haven't posted one of these recently so I stole it from Christine. Thanks!
Five items in my freezer
- orange sherbert (my FAVE!)
- crappy Totino's pizzas..my roommates as I do not eat that crap
- veggie burgers
- fake sausage links
- a big ole turkey - again, my roommates
Five items in my bedroom closet (aka one of my TWO walk-ins!)
- sweatshirts
- shoes, shoes, shoes..a wall of shoes
- all of my clothes
- a bag of Xmas gifts
- my jewelry
Five items in the car
- used water bottles
- a couple of CDS in my CD holder
- a nice red sweater
- a yoga mat
- a peacoat
Five items in my purse
- two or three chapsticks (I am an addict)
- my wallet
- radio faceplate
- cell phone
- keys
Five items in my freezer
- orange sherbert (my FAVE!)
- crappy Totino's pizzas..my roommates as I do not eat that crap
- veggie burgers
- fake sausage links
- a big ole turkey - again, my roommates
Five items in my bedroom closet (aka one of my TWO walk-ins!)
- sweatshirts
- shoes, shoes, shoes..a wall of shoes
- all of my clothes
- a bag of Xmas gifts
- my jewelry
Five items in the car
- used water bottles
- a couple of CDS in my CD holder
- a nice red sweater
- a yoga mat
- a peacoat
Five items in my purse
- two or three chapsticks (I am an addict)
- my wallet
- radio faceplate
- cell phone
- keys
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Those were the cars I got to drive
Yes I was mildly pampered to say the least. The Audi makes my Rav4 feel like a piece of s**t. A 4 cyclinder engine is nothing compared to these gorgeous machines. Yeah I took the Audi up to 80 and if you know me, that's damn fast. I don't speed. And there truly is no place off limits with a Rover. I don't care what anyone says about Hummers (well I think it's really just their ad agency talking), nothing beats a Rover. Rover Time!
Loooonnnnngggg weekend
Well I am sitting in the Phoenix Sky Harbor Int'l Airport - 2nd time I've been here in less than 24 hrs. I missed my flight last night and was supposed to sit stand-by to get back to Denver. But lucky me, they found an empty seat and I'm going home on the 8am. My weekend was spectacular to the say the least. Thursday night when I arrived we went to dinner with a few of G's friends at a local brewery. There was much boy conversation about off-roading, vehicle maintenance (of the off-roading variety) and other boy-type talk. It was a lot of fun. I love to see men in their natural conversational settings - it is great insight into their minds. They are so different than girls. This is what a girl conversation would be like: work, men, sex, work, men and more sex. Guys have similar discussions but they are still quite different in specifics (women will dissect every single word spoken on a date and men will not.
Friday G went to work and I slept in after we ran 6 miles. He ran them fast with a friend and it took me an hour and 10 min. (Very sad time I know!) I ran an errand for the off-roading, did a little bit of work and packed up for Sedona. We left Phoenix late (as is the usual style of G) and arrived at the luxurious Sedona Rouge about 9pm. We had dinner at a nearby brewery (beer was a big theme this weekend). I had one of the best Hefeweizens I've ever had in my entire life..and I am a lover of the Hefes to say the least.
Saturday we awoke early (NOT my favorite thing to do), grabbed some breakfast and equipped the Rover for the day's expedition. It was fun! I wasn't entirely sure I'd enjoy off-roading but I did. I did drive for a bit but mainly G drove. A few of his friends joined us in their Jeeps. We picnicked (is that a word??) in a scenic spot (where isn't there a scenic spot in Sedona??!). It was a gorgeous day to spend outside.
After the off-roading we went home to nap and get ready for a night out. We went to a local Mexican place that was quite good. Sedona hosts a Festival of Lights every year and after eating we grabbed some hot cocoa and set off to enjoy them. They were very nice although the themes were a bit odd! There didn't seem to be any rhyme or reason - every home that participated used whatever theme they wanted to so some overlapped or were very similar. Still, it was nice. We went to a quiet place further up a foothill after and enjoyed the stars (while we froze - it was chilly there!).
Sunday we slept in, grabbed some breakfast after G fixed some things on the Rover. It was shutting off for no reason - the entire car would shut off while you were driving. Not quite what you'd like your car to do so I was very appreciative that he solved that problem.
After breakfast we drove to Flagstaff - even higher in elevation than Sedona so it was quite cold and tree-lined. We drove down some old dirt roads to an underground cave and hiked back into it for an hour. It was very cool!
After a beer at a local pub (I told you beer was a theme), we drove a very long 2 hrs back to Phoenix, grabbed some take-out and watched a movie or two.
Monday was similar to Friday - G went to work, I slept in and did a bit of work while I waited for him to get home. We went for sushi and he showed me his offices. Sushi took longer than we anticipated and we got into a great discussion about why some people are more successful than others (we are two studies in contrast - G makes a considerable amount of money and I make very little). Before we knew it, it was 8:30 - the time my plane was boarding!
We flew to the airport in his gorgeous Audi but I didn't make it in time. So back home we went and got ready for an incredibly early day. I have been awake since 4am and am not pleased about it. He left for Vegas at 7 and I'm leaving for Denver at 8am.
No concrete plans to do it again - just tentative. We'd both like to see each other so hopefully it will happen after the holidays.
My plane is boarding so I am off!
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Dating
Anyone who knows me is aware of one fact: I HATE dating. I abhor it. I avoid it. In fact, I typically run screaming in the other direction whenever someone mentions a potential dating-type scenario or situation.
But I've decided all that must change. I have been single for far too long and it must be my fault. So I am busting down the dating door and getting back out there. I don't really want to and I still hate the thought of it but it seems I must venture forth.
So how will I accomplish this new goal or task I've chosen? Any way possible. I've agreed to let a friend introduce me to her ex-boyfriend's friends (weird I know), I'll meet men online or randomly in the grocery store (does that actually happen? People talk about it like it does but I've not heard one story begin with "we met in the express check-out lane"). By whatever means necessary, I'll start dating again.
You may be asking yourself where is her sudden interest in dating coming from? Here and there, random events, long lonely bitter cold nights, etc. And one other source: an unidentified situation with an X. I have no clue if we are any more than we have been in the past but we are venturing into our third get-together next week. That is the most we have seen each other in the last 10 years.
It sounds weird to try to date when I don't have that situation figured it out but it seems to work to my advantage to keep my options open. Every time I don't do that, I end up with no options. So what's a girl to do? Plan ahead, take initative, grab the bull by the horns, get back in the saddle..anything but tread water while looking into the murky depths of the X.
It certainly isn't that I wouldn't get back together with him, I would. I think he is an amazing person and I love having in my life. As a partner, I would be thrilled. But I'm not sure he wants that with me. At least not if the past is at all indicative of future events. Of course this is the first time in those 10 years that he has been truly single. Not living with anyone, not married, not separated, not dealing with a divorce..plain old single.
So I will do my best to keep my options open and not just tread murky, unknown waters.
But I've decided all that must change. I have been single for far too long and it must be my fault. So I am busting down the dating door and getting back out there. I don't really want to and I still hate the thought of it but it seems I must venture forth.
So how will I accomplish this new goal or task I've chosen? Any way possible. I've agreed to let a friend introduce me to her ex-boyfriend's friends (weird I know), I'll meet men online or randomly in the grocery store (does that actually happen? People talk about it like it does but I've not heard one story begin with "we met in the express check-out lane"). By whatever means necessary, I'll start dating again.
You may be asking yourself where is her sudden interest in dating coming from? Here and there, random events, long lonely bitter cold nights, etc. And one other source: an unidentified situation with an X. I have no clue if we are any more than we have been in the past but we are venturing into our third get-together next week. That is the most we have seen each other in the last 10 years.
It sounds weird to try to date when I don't have that situation figured it out but it seems to work to my advantage to keep my options open. Every time I don't do that, I end up with no options. So what's a girl to do? Plan ahead, take initative, grab the bull by the horns, get back in the saddle..anything but tread water while looking into the murky depths of the X.
It certainly isn't that I wouldn't get back together with him, I would. I think he is an amazing person and I love having in my life. As a partner, I would be thrilled. But I'm not sure he wants that with me. At least not if the past is at all indicative of future events. Of course this is the first time in those 10 years that he has been truly single. Not living with anyone, not married, not separated, not dealing with a divorce..plain old single.
So I will do my best to keep my options open and not just tread murky, unknown waters.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Another Get-to-Know Me Post
Name: Lara and that's all you get - this is the Internet folks
Birthday: May and that's all you get
Birthplace: Midwest
Current Location: Denver, CO
Eye Color: blue baby
Hair Color: dirty blonde
Height: 5'1"
Right Handed or Left Handed: right
Your Heritage: German
The Shoes You Wore Today: my Strawberry Shortcake hot pank slippers baby..gonna put on my running shoes in a min to go work out
Your Weakness: men
Your Fears: men..just kidding..dying alone, never marrying, giving up on myself & my dreams
Your Perfect Pizza: Orv's cheese or Nicolo's cheese with black olives & peppers
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: earn a grand a month through writing on a steady basis, fall in love with the right man, get the heck out of this country for a few weeks
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: What up?
Thoughts First Waking Up: oh heavens..another 10 minutes please
Your Best Physical Features: my eyes, my heart, my soul, my smile
Your Bedtime: when I can't keep my eyes open - usually between 11pm and 1am
Your Most Missed Memory: my dog BoJo and my grandpa and seeing my siblings as babies!!!
Pepsi or Coke: Coke - cherry
MacDonalds or Burger King: YUCK! Absolute crap - both of 'em.
Single or Group Dates: huh? what does that mean? I don't date.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton
Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate I am a single woman after all - what kind of lunatic would ask that question??
Cappuccino or Coffee: coffee with creamer or cappuccino..like mochas best
Do you Smoke: absolutely not
Do you Swear: absolutely
Do you Sing: yes..does anyone enjoy it? I doubt it.
Do you Shower Daily: nope..every other because Denver is too dry and messes up my Ph-balance
Have you Been in Love: yes..somedays I feel that is unfortunate
Do you want to go to College: already been there, done that
Do you want to get Married: to the right man..otherwise count me out!
Do you believe in yourself: certainly
?Do you get Motion Sickness: yep - gotta sit in the front seat or the middle seat of the back rows in any car
Do you think you are Attractive: certainly
Are you a Health Freak: that is a relative phrase
Do you get along with your Parents: sure do - love 'em
Do you like Thunderstorms: love 'em!!!
Do you play an Instrument: not really
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: sure
In the past month have you Smoked: no..HATE IT
In the past month have you been on Drugs: caffeine and alcohol..that's it
In the past month have you gone on a Date: um, define date exactly..maybe. Do X's count? I guess that was more than a month ago...
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: ugh, I HATE malls
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: I have drooled over the box but haven't actually purchased it. Now that you say that I may go out and buy some..thanks. :\
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: sadly no :(
In the past month have you been on Stage: just in my nightmares
In the past month have you been Dumped: ah, not really
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: sadly no but perhaps I can change that when I take my trip next week
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: nope
Ever been Drunk: yep a do
Ever been called a Tease: oh yes and I am..but only in a good way
Ever been Beaten up: Never
Ever Shoplifted: yep..as a teen
How do you want to Die: on a mountain somewhere after having told every single person how I feel about them
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: Me but richer
What country would you most like to Visit: Just one? How about the Phillipines, New Zealand, Australia, the Fiji Islands, Micronesia, Cook Islands, Spain, Egypt, Morocco, Ethiopia, Zimbabwe, Ireland, Austria, Switzerland, the Yukon, Vancouver (ok Canada), any South American or Central American country..see,I can't choose just one.
Number of things in my Past I Regret: I guess if we never regret things we don't learn do we? I regret a few things but they are too personal to share here.
Birthday: May and that's all you get
Birthplace: Midwest
Current Location: Denver, CO
Eye Color: blue baby
Hair Color: dirty blonde
Height: 5'1"
Right Handed or Left Handed: right
Your Heritage: German
The Shoes You Wore Today: my Strawberry Shortcake hot pank slippers baby..gonna put on my running shoes in a min to go work out
Your Weakness: men
Your Fears: men..just kidding..dying alone, never marrying, giving up on myself & my dreams
Your Perfect Pizza: Orv's cheese or Nicolo's cheese with black olives & peppers
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: earn a grand a month through writing on a steady basis, fall in love with the right man, get the heck out of this country for a few weeks
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: What up?
Thoughts First Waking Up: oh heavens..another 10 minutes please
Your Best Physical Features: my eyes, my heart, my soul, my smile
Your Bedtime: when I can't keep my eyes open - usually between 11pm and 1am
Your Most Missed Memory: my dog BoJo and my grandpa and seeing my siblings as babies!!!
Pepsi or Coke: Coke - cherry
MacDonalds or Burger King: YUCK! Absolute crap - both of 'em.
Single or Group Dates: huh? what does that mean? I don't date.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton
Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate I am a single woman after all - what kind of lunatic would ask that question??
Cappuccino or Coffee: coffee with creamer or cappuccino..like mochas best
Do you Smoke: absolutely not
Do you Swear: absolutely
Do you Sing: yes..does anyone enjoy it? I doubt it.
Do you Shower Daily: nope..every other because Denver is too dry and messes up my Ph-balance
Have you Been in Love: yes..somedays I feel that is unfortunate
Do you want to go to College: already been there, done that
Do you want to get Married: to the right man..otherwise count me out!
Do you believe in yourself: certainly
?Do you get Motion Sickness: yep - gotta sit in the front seat or the middle seat of the back rows in any car
Do you think you are Attractive: certainly
Are you a Health Freak: that is a relative phrase
Do you get along with your Parents: sure do - love 'em
Do you like Thunderstorms: love 'em!!!
Do you play an Instrument: not really
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: sure
In the past month have you Smoked: no..HATE IT
In the past month have you been on Drugs: caffeine and alcohol..that's it
In the past month have you gone on a Date: um, define date exactly..maybe. Do X's count? I guess that was more than a month ago...
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: ugh, I HATE malls
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: I have drooled over the box but haven't actually purchased it. Now that you say that I may go out and buy some..thanks. :\
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: sadly no :(
In the past month have you been on Stage: just in my nightmares
In the past month have you been Dumped: ah, not really
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: sadly no but perhaps I can change that when I take my trip next week
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: nope
Ever been Drunk: yep a do
Ever been called a Tease: oh yes and I am..but only in a good way
Ever been Beaten up: Never
Ever Shoplifted: yep..as a teen
How do you want to Die: on a mountain somewhere after having told every single person how I feel about them
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: Me but richer
What country would you most like to Visit: Just one? How about the Phillipines, New Zealand, Australia, the Fiji Islands, Micronesia, Cook Islands, Spain, Egypt, Morocco, Ethiopia, Zimbabwe, Ireland, Austria, Switzerland, the Yukon, Vancouver (ok Canada), any South American or Central American country..see,I can't choose just one.
Number of things in my Past I Regret: I guess if we never regret things we don't learn do we? I regret a few things but they are too personal to share here.
Holiday Gratitude
If you've been reading my posts over the last month you'll undoubtedly have noted my melancholy. Some of it has been situations in my life and some of it has been related to the holidays. Every year for the past 6 years I have been single during the holidays. (Ok last year I hadn't completely ended things with my now X but we were basically over). And every single year I have hated it and hoped for that to change by the following year.
So this time I've decided to not focus on being alone but to focus on thinking in terms of already having a relationship. I'm not sure how best to describe it but it's more of a mindset. I'm holding the feeling of happiness and being in love in my heart instead of the longing I usually feel when I think about my current state.
So in the spirit of the holidays I am going to be grateful when I go home in a few weeks. I'm going to be grateful for dozen+ kids I know under the age of 4 (I'm not lying...it's somewhere around 13 or 14 crumbmunchers); for all the newlyweds, newly engaged and long-time married couples I know (who better to learn from right?!). I won't fret over my lack of boyfriend, fiance or husband...at least not today! :)
So this time I've decided to not focus on being alone but to focus on thinking in terms of already having a relationship. I'm not sure how best to describe it but it's more of a mindset. I'm holding the feeling of happiness and being in love in my heart instead of the longing I usually feel when I think about my current state.
So in the spirit of the holidays I am going to be grateful when I go home in a few weeks. I'm going to be grateful for dozen+ kids I know under the age of 4 (I'm not lying...it's somewhere around 13 or 14 crumbmunchers); for all the newlyweds, newly engaged and long-time married couples I know (who better to learn from right?!). I won't fret over my lack of boyfriend, fiance or husband...at least not today! :)
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
I Was Wrong
Apparently a pint of butter pecan can help..slightly. At least until the sugar high wears off.
But the boys still know where I am if they want me.
But the boys still know where I am if they want me.
I'm Officially Done
Done with men - done trying, done thinking about, done trying to understand them. I know one thing to be true and it is this: if a man doesn't make an effort to see you, talk to you and generally get to know you intimately..he's not interested. And if you ever doubt his interest, you're right. It's not there.
I know this from experience and plenty of heartaches..chalk the last one up to the same. I should've listened to my inner voice several weeks ago and let it go. But I didn't so instead of crying then I'm crying now. And I'm letting it go.
But the nagging question as always is - why? Why don't the men I'm interested in return my interest? In 6.5 years one man has done this (this doesn't include several men who weren't single). I have no idea. I wish I knew. I wish my heart truly believed there was at least one more chance for love but it doesn't. I would welcome the chance to explore that possibility with a wonderful man but he isn't coming around so I'm putting that hope away...maybe I should put it in what my mom calls my "hopeless chest". Who knew she'd be so right?
I'm exhausted, my cold is not gone and I hurt all over..whether that is from emotional aches or physical ailments I don't know. But I'm done. I've had it.
Even chocolate can't fix this one and you know that's serious.
I know this from experience and plenty of heartaches..chalk the last one up to the same. I should've listened to my inner voice several weeks ago and let it go. But I didn't so instead of crying then I'm crying now. And I'm letting it go.
But the nagging question as always is - why? Why don't the men I'm interested in return my interest? In 6.5 years one man has done this (this doesn't include several men who weren't single). I have no idea. I wish I knew. I wish my heart truly believed there was at least one more chance for love but it doesn't. I would welcome the chance to explore that possibility with a wonderful man but he isn't coming around so I'm putting that hope away...maybe I should put it in what my mom calls my "hopeless chest". Who knew she'd be so right?
I'm exhausted, my cold is not gone and I hurt all over..whether that is from emotional aches or physical ailments I don't know. But I'm done. I've had it.
Even chocolate can't fix this one and you know that's serious.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Ho-Hum
That pretty much summarizes my energy level the last week or two. Yes I've had a cold which is just about gone but I've also had very little work. Two of my main clients have slipped away without notice or reason and that has left me short on funds. I spent most of last week temping at a PR firm. I must admit I was tempted to interview for a writer/editor job they have open; they even asked me if I was interested. But I hate cubicles and hate having a boss (besides my current one...she's pretty cool...I'm talking about me silly people) . I do believe I can make it as a writer - I'm a good copywriter and I enjoy it. I just don't have a lot of clips right now nor a solid marketing strategy. Both of those will be remedied in time..I just have to make things work til then.
Unfortunately the holidays are fast approaching and I have to find a way to pay for all of those related items and events til then. Here's hoping more work comes my way! Keep your fingers crossed for me. :)
Unfortunately the holidays are fast approaching and I have to find a way to pay for all of those related items and events til then. Here's hoping more work comes my way! Keep your fingers crossed for me. :)
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Men
I have no clue when it comes to men. Magazines tell us they are simple creatures: beer, breasts and beef. Perhaps that's true but some men are a bit more complicated than that. Some men actually have feelings and I seem to have a way of stepping on them without every intending to.
I cannot read men very well and often misinterpret their signals and their communcations. I'm never sure if they are actually interested in me, just my chest or if they simply think I'm just another cute girl they know and are friends with. Most of the time I err on the side of caution and assume he's not interested. And I'm usually right...he's not. But every now & again I get my hopes up ...only to have them squashed. And that's ok, I'm a big girl and I can pick up the pieces and take care of myself.
But what if there was something I could do to prevent that? I wish I knew what I've been doing in the past because I seem to mess up everything that comes my way. Perhaps one day I'll get my shit together and figure things out. Til then I'm just me and I'm trying to understand.
I cannot read men very well and often misinterpret their signals and their communcations. I'm never sure if they are actually interested in me, just my chest or if they simply think I'm just another cute girl they know and are friends with. Most of the time I err on the side of caution and assume he's not interested. And I'm usually right...he's not. But every now & again I get my hopes up ...only to have them squashed. And that's ok, I'm a big girl and I can pick up the pieces and take care of myself.
But what if there was something I could do to prevent that? I wish I knew what I've been doing in the past because I seem to mess up everything that comes my way. Perhaps one day I'll get my shit together and figure things out. Til then I'm just me and I'm trying to understand.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Well I Should Shut My Mouth
And my brain apparently. This is an interesting blog entry that certainly smacked my negative thoughts upside themselves.
It lists a fantastic quote I shall keep in mind every day:
"Coming empty-handed, going empty-handed -- that is human.
When you are born, Where do you come from?
When you die, where do you go?"
- Zen Master Seung Sahn
Definitely words to live by.
It lists a fantastic quote I shall keep in mind every day:
"Coming empty-handed, going empty-handed -- that is human.
When you are born, Where do you come from?
When you die, where do you go?"
- Zen Master Seung Sahn
Definitely words to live by.
Why Do I Bother?
I feel like the same questions have plagued me for the last several years so my question is why do I bother? Why do I even care? I feel like my efforts are either thwarted or go unnoticed by the cosmos. I take chances in love, in my career but for what? There's no pay-off. I've gotten nothing out of it. I'm still alone and broke..just like I was 6 years ago. At least 6 years ago I had a modicum of hope and faith. I can't say the same today.
It isn't so much that I've lost hope or faith in love, I've just stop pondering their existence. They seem to work for others but I've had enough. I've stopped wondering what my life could be like with a partner. All I do is focus on my life with me and how I can make it better. I don't truly expect to share it with anyone, ever.
I wouldn't say I feel those things because I'm feeling sorry for myself (not generally but today, yes, I am sick and acting like a spoiled brat because of it) but more because I think in terms of reality. And what has my reality been of late? No dates, ex-boyfriends who only want to see me when it's convenient for them and men who aren't interested in me. And frankly who wants to think of their future in terms of that?? Not me.
I'm not so sure marriage is going to happen for me nor children. And how I'll ever earn more than $20,000 a year also seems to be out of reach. So if my life continues on this path despite my best efforts, in 10 years you will find me camped at the base of Everest with crampons and pick axe in hand along with a few sherpas at my disposal. And for a few exhilarating days I will feel alive...more so than I have for years.
It isn't so much that I've lost hope or faith in love, I've just stop pondering their existence. They seem to work for others but I've had enough. I've stopped wondering what my life could be like with a partner. All I do is focus on my life with me and how I can make it better. I don't truly expect to share it with anyone, ever.
I wouldn't say I feel those things because I'm feeling sorry for myself (not generally but today, yes, I am sick and acting like a spoiled brat because of it) but more because I think in terms of reality. And what has my reality been of late? No dates, ex-boyfriends who only want to see me when it's convenient for them and men who aren't interested in me. And frankly who wants to think of their future in terms of that?? Not me.
I'm not so sure marriage is going to happen for me nor children. And how I'll ever earn more than $20,000 a year also seems to be out of reach. So if my life continues on this path despite my best efforts, in 10 years you will find me camped at the base of Everest with crampons and pick axe in hand along with a few sherpas at my disposal. And for a few exhilarating days I will feel alive...more so than I have for years.
Friday, October 27, 2006
Friday Fun Facts
Since Halloween is fast upon us and it is my favorite holiday (yes I love Christmas too but for very different reasons none of which involve presents except maybe the giving of them), here are some fun Halloween facts for you!
Halloween was brought to America by European immigrants.
Tootsie Rolls were the first wrapped penny candy.
Every year we spend about $2 million on Halloween candy!
Halloween is second only to Christmas in terms of retail sales.
In 1962, the Count Dracula Society was formed.
Gargoyles are believed to ward off evil spirits and guard the home.
Halloween falls on October 31st which is the end of the Celtic year. Halloween is rooted in Celtic lore. It is called All Hallows Eve and is over 2,000 years old.
Hope you enjoyed fun facts on Friday! Happy Halloween y'all.
Halloween was brought to America by European immigrants.
Tootsie Rolls were the first wrapped penny candy.
Every year we spend about $2 million on Halloween candy!
Halloween is second only to Christmas in terms of retail sales.
In 1962, the Count Dracula Society was formed.
Gargoyles are believed to ward off evil spirits and guard the home.
Halloween falls on October 31st which is the end of the Celtic year. Halloween is rooted in Celtic lore. It is called All Hallows Eve and is over 2,000 years old.
Hope you enjoyed fun facts on Friday! Happy Halloween y'all.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Alone
I hate being alone. I've lived with it for the last 6 years or so and I'm pretty tired of it. I've embraced it as best as I can and I enjoy certainly aspects of being on my own. But overall, I'm tired of constantly doing everything by myself and having no one to talk to on a regular basis. I have no one to share my everyday highlights with.
The reason I feel this way at this particular moment in time? I've seen a particular ex-boyfriend twice in the last month. He's the only X I would've ever considered as my soulmate. He was my first true love and even though we have maintained a friendship over the last 11 years, he still gets to me.
Unlike most men, I genuinely enjoy his company. He's a nice guy, he's interesting and intelligent, he treats me well & we have fun together. The kicker? He doesn't want to commit to me; I don't think he ever has. I have no clue why really because he doesn't have "commitment issues" with other women..just me. So when I do see him it brings back a lot of feelings and makes me question many things like why we've never gotten back together, what it might be like if we did and why I even bother thinking about these things at all.
But the hardest part of seeing him is the aftermath. It seems to conveniently fall around the time I have PMS so my accessibility to tears is higher than average (ahh, I cry easily is what I mean) and my overall sensitivity is terribly high. I feel alone and quite sad after we part. There's never an easy way to just get over this; I just have to let the emotions come & go which they usually do in a matter of days.
There really is no purpose to this blog..I'm just venting and killing time before my plane leaves for Denver. And considering the snowfall they've gotten of late, I may be waiting awhile. Wish me safe travels!!!
The reason I feel this way at this particular moment in time? I've seen a particular ex-boyfriend twice in the last month. He's the only X I would've ever considered as my soulmate. He was my first true love and even though we have maintained a friendship over the last 11 years, he still gets to me.
Unlike most men, I genuinely enjoy his company. He's a nice guy, he's interesting and intelligent, he treats me well & we have fun together. The kicker? He doesn't want to commit to me; I don't think he ever has. I have no clue why really because he doesn't have "commitment issues" with other women..just me. So when I do see him it brings back a lot of feelings and makes me question many things like why we've never gotten back together, what it might be like if we did and why I even bother thinking about these things at all.
But the hardest part of seeing him is the aftermath. It seems to conveniently fall around the time I have PMS so my accessibility to tears is higher than average (ahh, I cry easily is what I mean) and my overall sensitivity is terribly high. I feel alone and quite sad after we part. There's never an easy way to just get over this; I just have to let the emotions come & go which they usually do in a matter of days.
There really is no purpose to this blog..I'm just venting and killing time before my plane leaves for Denver. And considering the snowfall they've gotten of late, I may be waiting awhile. Wish me safe travels!!!
Monday, October 16, 2006
On Being 30 and Single
I'm almost mid-way through my 30th year on this planet and recently I was remembering how difficult it is to be over 27, single and living in the Midwest. Thankfully I don't live there anymore and don't have the worries I did before moving away. There was quite a bit of media coverage given to the most recent census on US households. It turns out more of us are single than married!
I've wondered why that may be. Personally I'd trade in my singles card for the married sort given the right man in the right circumstances (I seem to have a history of finding potential "right men" at very, very wrong times...I'll let you decide if you think they may not have been "right" at all given that fact). But it seems I am in the minority - or the rest of America is still waiting for their "Mr/Ms Right at the Right Time".
So why do so many of us want to stay single? A good number of us live together but haven't (or don't want to get) married. Is it because of our ridiculously high divorce rate? Did too many of us grow up in blended families with more stepmoms and stepdads then we could count? Or is it simply that women don't need men for financial support like we used to (even though we still make roughly 30 cents less on the dollar than men...but that's for another post)? Or perhaps it's some quirky combination of all of them.
I wish I had an answer but I don't. Since moving to Colorado, I've garnered a group of friends both male and female. And the great majority of us are single or at least not living with our significant other. And all of us want to be married and committed...and all of us are over 30. Some of my friends are in their late 30s or even 40s. But not one of us would trade in being single for being married to just anyone. Could that be a key component of these findings? Are we looking for that perfect match? Is there a perfect match? And if there is a perfect match, how do we know when we find them? Does that perfect match change as we grow older? And if it does, how can we ever be certain we have found our perfect match?
A few of my friends here are divorced but all are hopeful of finding that lifelong partner. I've never married and have never lived with a significant other. In all honesty, I felt like a failure in that regard when I was living in the Midwest. I have cousin upon cousin who married, had children, settled down...the whole lot. And they are all younger than me. There's nothing quite like family gatherings and holidays surrounded by dozens of cousins and their spouses and their babies and toddlers. And every year that number of married couples and babies just increases..almost exponentially it would seem. It's one of the most isolating and truly lonely experiences I've had to endure. It was painful enough to force me to make the biggest change in my life ever: uproot my entire existence and move to a different part of the country, some 800 miles away from my close-knit family.
Whenever my mother gets upset that I don't live close to home, I remind her of that simple fact. I tell her I left to find a husband and to give her grandchildren one day. So hang in there Mom, I'm trying. Perhaps the rest of America is too and that's why so many of us are single today.
I've wondered why that may be. Personally I'd trade in my singles card for the married sort given the right man in the right circumstances (I seem to have a history of finding potential "right men" at very, very wrong times...I'll let you decide if you think they may not have been "right" at all given that fact). But it seems I am in the minority - or the rest of America is still waiting for their "Mr/Ms Right at the Right Time".
So why do so many of us want to stay single? A good number of us live together but haven't (or don't want to get) married. Is it because of our ridiculously high divorce rate? Did too many of us grow up in blended families with more stepmoms and stepdads then we could count? Or is it simply that women don't need men for financial support like we used to (even though we still make roughly 30 cents less on the dollar than men...but that's for another post)? Or perhaps it's some quirky combination of all of them.
I wish I had an answer but I don't. Since moving to Colorado, I've garnered a group of friends both male and female. And the great majority of us are single or at least not living with our significant other. And all of us want to be married and committed...and all of us are over 30. Some of my friends are in their late 30s or even 40s. But not one of us would trade in being single for being married to just anyone. Could that be a key component of these findings? Are we looking for that perfect match? Is there a perfect match? And if there is a perfect match, how do we know when we find them? Does that perfect match change as we grow older? And if it does, how can we ever be certain we have found our perfect match?
A few of my friends here are divorced but all are hopeful of finding that lifelong partner. I've never married and have never lived with a significant other. In all honesty, I felt like a failure in that regard when I was living in the Midwest. I have cousin upon cousin who married, had children, settled down...the whole lot. And they are all younger than me. There's nothing quite like family gatherings and holidays surrounded by dozens of cousins and their spouses and their babies and toddlers. And every year that number of married couples and babies just increases..almost exponentially it would seem. It's one of the most isolating and truly lonely experiences I've had to endure. It was painful enough to force me to make the biggest change in my life ever: uproot my entire existence and move to a different part of the country, some 800 miles away from my close-knit family.
Whenever my mother gets upset that I don't live close to home, I remind her of that simple fact. I tell her I left to find a husband and to give her grandchildren one day. So hang in there Mom, I'm trying. Perhaps the rest of America is too and that's why so many of us are single today.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Paypal Sucks
We've all tried to reach the customer service departments of our multitude of credit card companies, cell phone providers and bank institutions. Currently I'm holding with Paypal. I can't even go into the myriad of trillions of reasons I bloody HATE PAYPAL. The web site won't let me change my address (I recently moved...for the 8th time in 2 years..that's not an exaggeration folks. The address book makers adore me and all of my friends hate me for the same reason). I can't confirm my new address because I don't have a landline and I'm not at any of the old addresses they have on file. I've been passed around between Customer Service, the Resolutions Department (who knew they couldn't resolve something in the one department designed just for that - resolutions??) and now I'm back to the Customer Service Department. The CS people are in the process of passing me off yet again to the Resolutions Department.
Now I understand they must run a very secure site..hell I want them to because I've got bank accounts and credit card info on it. But how many of us today have landline phone numbers? A good majority of folks today have only cell phones. I live and die with mine. So why not update this one little blip? Why must I spend 45 minutes explaining my predicament to 5 different people? Paypal serves a purpose and for the most part it does it pretty well. But after the hoops I've had to run through to simply change my bleepin' address, I curse it! And I will never allow clients to pay me through Paypal EVER EVER again.
Wish me luck- I'm still holding.
Now I understand they must run a very secure site..hell I want them to because I've got bank accounts and credit card info on it. But how many of us today have landline phone numbers? A good majority of folks today have only cell phones. I live and die with mine. So why not update this one little blip? Why must I spend 45 minutes explaining my predicament to 5 different people? Paypal serves a purpose and for the most part it does it pretty well. But after the hoops I've had to run through to simply change my bleepin' address, I curse it! And I will never allow clients to pay me through Paypal EVER EVER again.
Wish me luck- I'm still holding.
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