To Be or Not to Be?

It's been awhile since I've posted an actual entry..I've been a bit busy celebrating my 30th as you can see. As time marches on - which it is so wont to do with no thought to anything else - I ponder where and what I'll be doing in 1 year, 5 years and 10 years. I've had a job change and I'm surviving it. It has its positives and its not so positives...most days I enjoy it. In my heart though, I know I will not be completely happy til I'm free to work when I choose. I just have to keep plugging away and moving towards my goals. At least I seem to have left my existential life crisis behind - for now. I'm sure one of those moments will rear its head again - usually does round about late fall. But what would my life be like if I were still in Wisconsin? Would I have found a job I was happy with? Would I be dating or in love? My initial thought is no - but who knows for certain. And I don't think about that too often. What I do think about however is whether or not I'll ever date again or have a boyfriend or - *GASP* - a husband. It seems completely foreign to me because I've been on my own for so long (ah another *GASP* moment - I've had 2 significant involvements in almost 6 years folks..that's a GD long time). There is a certain point when a woman's body kicks in and wants a baby. DON'T misunderstand me - I do NOT want a child right now but my body is telling me I should get to it in the next few years. I will never in my life be a woman who will have a child because it's time and everyone else is doing it. No child deserves that - ever. If I never marry, I'll adopt when I'm 40ish (depends on finances mainly). I'm comforted by my back-up plan (which seems to currently be my Plan A unfortunately). The question of love, marriage & children likes to sit down in my lap every now and again..these were just some of my musings. Nothing brilliant but I needed to put something down in words. Enjoy the holiday weekend y'all!

Birthday celebration

I'm not very good at this picture thing yet but take a peak at some of photos below. A fun time was had in Breck by all!!! Thanks to all y'all who made it and if you didn't, too bad for you. He he he he he. All the way from Wisconsin - DeAnna. She's my favorite. :) That's Ryan hiding behind the cards. ELLI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Enjoying some cupcakes...my favorite. 3 of my favorite dancing queens - center stage. My friends Paul & Fetian - in yet another round of Uno! No night is complete without a shot like this... Kiss it y'all! My lovely friend Alicia. Two of the cutest girls you'll ever see. :) Let the festivities begin! Don't peak at my cards!

My 29th

I am practicing my picture posting for this year's 30th birthday bash in Breck. Take a peek at last year's fun... Above is a photo from last year's birthday bash (DeAnna is in red, random bartender in the white T-shirt, me in the white tank top and a random waitress in black). In this photo, we are taking shots with the wait staff in honor of both my birthday & DeAnna's birthday. My beautiful friend DeAnna flew out from Milwaukee to celebrate together. We joined up with a local bike-n-booze pub crawl and had an outrageously good time. Truly I don't think it's legal to have as much fun as we did.

Seeds of Change

I’m under the vague impression that life is about continual change, growth & renewal. The previous 29 years of my life certainly have been. So I have given up trying to avoid FNGs (f**kin’ growth opportunities) and embraced them. Every day is a new opportunity and my life certainly reflects that. Last week I spoke with my director about leaving my current position and moving back to the program side. She wasn’t thrilled with my performance and I wasn’t either; I knew my heart was with the clients. There is an opportunity move to that side but it wasn’t my first choice. I’m going to go for it anyway and see what happens. It has a lot of opportunity and potential. But as my 30th birthday approaches, I’ve been thinking a lot. I’ve come to several realizations. 1.) I think too damn much. I get far too lost in my thoughts and get stuck inside my head and forget how to relax and simply see life as it is: a journey. 2.) My 20s were not the most fun decade of my life and my 30s are going to be a helluva lot better. I’m actually looking forward to them…so long as I don’t look to be in my 30s. J 3.) If I really expect my 30s to be different, what have I learned from my 20s that I can take with me to draw upon over the next 10 years? The answer to number 3 is a lot of things: I’ve had an incredible number of wonderful moments in my 20s .. and some very painful ones. In some instances, those two are intertwined. But I will draw upon my “win file”. A speaker I saw recently suggested compiling a win file and putting all the things in there that you have done of which you are proud. During difficult situations, pull some of those out and draw upon that memory. Currently I’m reading an incredible book called “Ask and It Is Given”. It is about how to properly ask for the things you desire and focus on being in the correct state of mind/state of being to receive those things. The exercises are supposed to produce desired effect similar to that of the win file. I’ve been doing these exercises every night for the last 3 nights and I look forward to them. I have noticed a change in my attitude and my outlook and I believe the physical manifestations of that will follow shortly.