Emotional Meltdown

So yesterday was not a peak day in the history of my existence. It was overall sub-par but I am still grateful for the experience.


It seems something set off my roommate and he sent me an email detailing all the things he does that I should be grateful for.


Although he may not have intended this it did have a condescending, bitchy tone. Frankly it sounded like a high-strung hysterical woman wrote it. And I was pretty upset when I read it.


He also made a point of telling me he thinks I act like he's my boyfriend and he's NOT (his emphasis).


That part I'm not so sure where it came from ... well I'm not sure where the whole thing came from. It was a very unwelcome emotional outpouring that seemed completely unnecessary and extreme in my opinion. And I take that stance simply because he didn't take much ownership of his emotions and his responses.


He simply put it all on my lap.


While I believe we should all express ourselves I also believe we need to take actions and make changes so whatever caused the upset can be remedied in the future.


In other words I don't believe in bitching just to bitch. Vent, do something about it and get over it.


I simply responded to his email by saying I will help out more with this and this around the house, thank you for everything you do.


If I didn't have to live with him for at least 4 more months I would've said other things using very choice words. But I took the mature route. And I've decided I'm not investing much more in an emotional friendship with him. I can't open up and worry that in another month or two he's going to vent and hurt me again.


And I have absolutely NO desire to see him as anything other than a roommate.





In Other News


And that leads me to other men in my life...or a lack thereof! I spent a bit of time with the Scorpio boy last weekend. I helped him move on Saturday night and for part of Sunday.


I was glad to help because I know how crummy it is to move. And he was appreciative. He bought lunch for me and a friend on Sunday and also invited me to hang out with him after the moving. We went to a local bar and watched football.


I have to stay when he invited me along my jaw nearly hit the floor. I don't think he's ever done that and it was very sweet. I enjoyed hanging out with him. We'll see if it happens again but regardless it was a pleasant surprise.


And those are the surprises I like! :)


That's about it for now. I'll post again before the end of the year - perhaps with a top 10 highlights of the year post? That'd be fun!!

Week #4

Here we are - Week Four of The Presence Process.



I have experienced a great deal of challenges in the past week. In fact I cried during almost every meditation last week - it was exhausting and emotionally brutal on many levels.



I almost made the tough decision to stay in Colorado for Christmas. It is my first holiday without my family and it pulls at my heart.



But it was a necessary step for me. I need to stay in CO to save money and for some other reason I haven't been able to articulate. Something inside of me is saying to be here over the holidays...not sure of the reason but I am going to listen to my own inner voice. And that's a practice I am doing more and more of lately.



Sometimes I marvel at how little I heed my own desires/internal voice - and how often I do what I think other people want me to do.



I am beginning to truly understand that when we all follow our own paths, our own callings...then we can all be present in our lives and achieve an authentic life for ourselves.



I knew that on an intellectual level but I am finally feeling it inside of my body (and being the Taurus/Capricorn Earth sign that I am I have to feel something before I can truly understand it).



In other news, I have none. ;) No boys. I went out on a few dates over the last few weeks but none of them seem to be leaning towards a romantic involvement. They are all nice guys who I will be friends with but for various reasons I doubt they will become more.



One is a friend who just moved here. I think he smokes so he's out! I can tolerate a lot but that's a dealbreaker for me. ;)



The other is the drummer boy from last year. I asked for what I wanted (just some time to hang out) and I've gotten no response. So there's my answer! HA! It's all right. He's a good guy.



The other guy is also a friend who just isn't compatible in a romantic way.



Back to square one in that department which is fine. I believe in letting doors close so new ones can open. I'm looking for the new one!

Last Fall Revisited

So during the course of November there's a certain X who has come back into my life... or at least he was I have no clue where we are at right now.

The drummer I dated briefly last fall/winter is calling again.

It started off with Facebook (because really doesn't everything happen on Facebook...) and then a series of naughty messages. Those messages led to an encounter (we revisited one of our favorite shared past times: movies of a certain kind, you fill in the blank) which led to another encounter at my house. Then there was a 3rd interaction on his kitchen counter followed by a let's hang out and have a drink and talk for awhile evening which ended on his couch again.

The really interesting thing is that each of these interludes has become more intimate in some way. I've seen more of him in the last three weeks (from an emotional standpoint) then I ever saw all of last year.

I'm not sure what to make of it, of him or of what I want from him. It's all still a bit new and at times intriguing.

And other times (like when we don't talk for a few days) it's not as intriguing.

At this point I am entertaining the option of getting to know him better on more than just a superficial level. The real trick is how to let him know I'd like to hang out without being my usual forceful and direct self. He doesn't seem to respond well to that - he's a Scorpio which is a fixed Water sign. I'm a Taurus which is a fixed Earth sign. For non-astro peeps that means neither of us likes to be told what to do or to feel like we are being given orders/directives.

I think a casual movie night might be a good "in" so I have contacted him but have had no response. We'll see what happens.

All I know for sure is that there is a reason he's back - there was something I didn't learn in the last go-round that I need to learn again and hopefully the same can be said for him. Mary () told me my lesson is to be detached from the outcome while still asking for what I want.

Bless her heart I know she's right but it feels a little easier said than done. ;)

I'll keep you updated.

Chapstick Revelations

The Presence Process is an interesting experience to say the least. Today I was debating over whether or not to take my super fantastic Alba Unpetroleum chapstick (cherry of course) out of my purse and into my pocket when I had a realization.

I considered putting the chapstick into my pocket but hesitated because I was afraid I would forget it tomorrow and then be stuck with my 2nd favorite chapstick: Kiss My Face strawberry.

I realized I do the same thing with the rest of my life: I put off what I know will be enjoyment in the moment for fear I will lose or not regain that enjoyment later on.

Who would've thought chapstick would shed light on my inner workings? Fascinating.