A Beautiful Man with a Beautiful Heart

By now almost everyone in the online world has watched the "Last Lecture" and has come to know Randy Pausch, the professor giving that famous speech.

He died today.

His words touched me and I feel blessed to have been privvy to his life. We're all a little better off having known a part of him.

CNN.com has greater details about his life, love and lessons. His video is below

Success!

Ok a quick update:


The James Ray event was a SMASHING success. We had over 450 people in attendance. Do I kick ass or what?!!


And other news: I'm working on additional freelance gigs & clients. Something's gotta break soon, I can feel it.


So there's your quick update! I said it'd be quick. ;)

Been awhile

So I haven't written with an update in awhile. Whenever I go away for awhile and then return, my return is prompted by a downturn in my life or some sort of "negative" experience.


I told you I was the main promoter for James Ray's visit to Boulder on July 9th (www.AchieveMoreToday.com).


I still am promoting his visit however we've only had 95 people sign. 95. We need more like several hundred to make it worth James' effort. I've done quite a lot to promote the night - taken out advertising in Nexus, contacted multiple LOA and metaphysical-type groups, put up flyers around Boulder & Longmont, listed the event on any community calendar I could find and contacted 2 local radio stations.


For whatever reason it isn't amounting to as much as I would like.


And now I'm beginning to feel like I'm letting people down by not making this event a success. I have one last group to contact: local realtors and I feel a little intimdated cold-calling them but I have no other choice at this point. Either I do it or we don't have an event. It's that simple.


So I'll suck it up, swallow my fear and go for it.


I know how much I'll beat myself up if this doesn't happen so I have to do it.





In other news, the new PT gig is good. I'm learning a lot and it's usually fun. I'm also getting plenty of writing time crafting articles and learning about submitting articles on the web to promote a product/service. It's fun.


I also bought a new bike - a Trek 7.2 hybrid. It rocks. It's not the Hello Kitty pink cruiser with streamers and a flower decorated-basket like I wanted but my bike is fast and strong. It sure cost enough though...I've dropped almost $600 on the bike & accessories. *sigh*


No other news - no boys, no dating. Memorial Day boy never called and I shouldn't be surprised since I still miss TX. I'd kick TX in the shins if I could, I hate missing him. But much like a snake sheds it's skin, I am letting go. That is how it has felt - like shedding a layer of skin. I've had to peel him off of me and out of my system.


So all in all things are great I guess - even if I don't completely feel that way right now. :\

It's Pouring

Yes when it rains men, they come in downpours them in my life. Maybe not quite torrential downpours but a pretty heavy stream nonetheless.


I'm a woman and I happen to like men...just hanging out with them feels different than hanging out with my female friends. Neither is better, I like both but sometimes I feel the need for male companionship.


I had decided I wanted to date again and preferably meet a man the old-fashioned way: in person. An organic sort of thing you know? Online gets old after awhile. But since after setting that desire, no men turned up I decided to see if I could find someone to hang with over the holiday weekend.


So I set up 2 dates with 2 different men...one for Saturday and one for Sunday.


And so the dates transpired. On Saturday I went to the Boulder Creek Festival and hung out for a few hours.


Sunday we went to the Walnut Cafe and then walked in the park near my house.


Both are very nice gentlemen but I didn't feel an attraction to either. Still we had a good time and enjoyed each other's company. It was fun to be out & about with a man. :)


Well remember how I said I wanted to meet a man the organic way? Well I did.


A few of my friends were getting together on Monday to go to the festival (same one I went to on Saturday). Along the way, we picked up a few others and I had an attraction to one of them.


As the day went on he & I chatted some and eventually wandered off by ourselves. We spent some time checking out the booths. Here's the part that I find so funny - most of those booths we went to were set up fore ORGANIC food products. Doesn't that make you giggle? What a funny, funny little Universe we have! She has a sense of humor all right.


Anyway, I found that tidbit amusing.


After the festival we hung out in his hot tub at his townhouse and chatted, etc. It was fun and hopefully we'll do it again. He's very much a smart *ss which I like and is well-traveled and articulate. And he's a Midwestern boy so he's probably as nice as he seem. ;)


He asked for my phone number so hopefully he will call. You'll be updated when he does of course.

Sick+Birthdays = Bad

The only thing worse than being sick is being sick on your birthday. Thankfully I've just been sick this week and not on my actual birthday (which is coming up - Saturday the 17th). Still feeling this crummy is not fun.


I came down with the flu on Tuesday. It all began with a tickle in my throat on Monday afternoon and within 24 hours, I had a minor fever, chills, an achy body and a very sore throat. After fighting it for 1/2 the day on Tuesday, I left work and crawled into bed where I basically camped out for the next 1.5 days. It was the suck.


I had no appetite (still don't really), was chilled (while still sweating enough to wet my clothes) and ached all over.


But the worst has seemed to pass and today I only have a cough and a slightly stuffy head. Still no appetite which is awful. I LOVE food.


But enough complaining. My birthday is around the corner (2 days!!) and I am certain my 32nd year on this planet is going to be even better than the previous 31 (which were pretty good years by all accounts).


And to kick off the celebration, I'm giving my 2 week notice today. My verbal offer finally became a written offer and I'm leaving TSA. As of May 29th, I will no longer be in my current role. I will be venturing into new unchartered territory. Well ok only loosely charted territory because I have been self-employed before but this time I'm working my way back to that status with greater ease & elegance.


So off I go on another adventure. :) Wish me luck - this will be fun!

The Pendulum Swings Backward

Remember how last week was such a roller coaster ride? How it was full of incredible lows followed by remarkable highs?


Well this week has been the opposite. It's been very anti-climactic.


And that's good. It means the pendulum has swung back and has evened things out.


There is a natural rhythm and flow to life. When we let go of our current perspective and can step outside of our daily activities, we can see that flow. The ebb & flow of our life is there just as it is for the tide, the sun & the moon.


But since my ego is here and chattering away inside my head, I know this ebb part of the process doesn't mean stop - it means do the little things I see in front of me. As I do those things, the momentum increases again and that ebb will eventually become a flow.


After which, the process will continue again. Life is a fascinating experience.

Weekend Update

Yes it's a weekend update but I'm pretty sure it won't be as funny as the SNL skit. ;) It'll just be uplifting and positive.


As I mentioned last week, I had a meeting on Friday with an interactive media agency in Boulder. The meeting was super fun, I love their offices, the location & the people. And they made me a verbal offer on the spot!


How flippin' cool is that?


How cool am I for getting that?!!! I rock.


I'm pretty pleased with myself - all I have to do now is talk with the owner and secure pay & a starting date. This is the first step towards my 3 year plan. (I'm still working on the 15 year, 10 year and 5 year plans).


The rest of my weekend was good - some yoga, reading, volunteering, etc.


I did go out to the movies on Saturday night with a guy. He was nice but didn't pay for my ticket. In my opinion, it's not a date if he doesn't pay. And it usually means I won't go out with him again. He's nice so perhaps we'll have a beer sometime but nothing romantic. I'm ok with just having fun right now and letting things unfold in due course. There's a wonderful man out there for me and he'll come along at the right time.


Til then and even after he arrives, I'm just going to enjoy every moment of my life and be grateful!

Rollercoaster ride

What a week it has been already. I told you briefly about TX. We did email & he explained to me he's keeping in touch with people he met on that site. He said he is not dating and he is sorry he hurt me, very sorry.


So at least that was easier to hear than to hear he's dating again.


It opened an old wound to talk to him but I feel a bit better now that we've discussed the situation. It still means I have a ways to go before I'm comfortable with him dating anyone else. And I have to get there, eventually.


But today is not that day and that's ok.


And I told you about the Friday mtg. Yesterday I began looking & applying for part-time work (admin type stuff) in Boulder. I was really looking for a marketing firm or similar to work for - preferably upwards of 30 hours a week. I knew if I found that type of position, I could find clients and work to fill the rest of my week (promoting my classes for example).


Today I applied for a job, explained I was transitioning to part-time for the next few years. I gave them my resume and said if they were interested in a long-term PT person, I'd love to meet with them.


They contacted me a few hours later and we set up a meeting for Friday morning (when I will be calling into work, conveniently enough).


Later today, the person I'm meeting with emailed to say he had passed along my resume to his boss who was in need of a copywriter, an emergency project (aren't they all??). I said sign me up!


Well I didn't say that exactly but I told him I was definitely interested in talking with his boss.


So the boss called, we talked, there will be emails exchanged and a project will probably come into my lap.


Woo woo for me!!!!


I'm constantly amazed at how well things work out when you simply have faith. I prayed to my angels last night to help me stay open to opportunities and allow more money, more writing and more fun into my life. And look what happened? You may think it's a coincidence and that's your opinion.


I on the other hand believe I decided what I wanted, opened it up (believed and felt I deserved it) and let it happen however it naturally showed up on my doorstep.


And here it is. Already!


What a week. I feel the need to celebrate somehow!

WTF

That about sums up how I feel about the last 3-4 days. WTF? WTF is going on with people? Why do so many people suck?


I suppose I can backtrack a bit and explain where all of my modified F expressions are coming from.


On Friday I was called into my boss' office (rarely a good thing - they always schedule your promotions & raises well in advance on a calendar) and was told I had had too many mistakes since January. I was told to fix them or I would be let go in 3 weeks.


Part of me was angry because this job is just sucky, part of me didn't care (which is awful, I abhor apathy) and part of me was sad. I'd rather not be fired. I'd prefer to find a better job in the next 3 weeks. It could happen I think.


My boss & I chatted for a bit and he's a good guy, he understands how negative this place is and how difficult it is to work in a job where you are only recognized when you F up. (Yes lots of F bombs in my vocab the last few days...sorry). He also heard me when I told him I have an immense amount of experience doing terrific writing assignments and handling multiple, ongoing projects. As he said, I am overqualified for what I do.


While this is true, I have repeatedly expressed interest in staying with this company and finding a better fit for me. Mainly, I'd prefer to do something I enjoy with them for awhile til I can go out on my own again, full-time. Currently my freelance isn't at that pitch but it will be in time.


So that was Friday afternoon.


I left early, went to Wash Park and had a pity party for myself. Even though I don't believe the voice in my head, it told me I was an abject failure in work, in relationships and even my health lately. Clearly my faith as well - I have struggled to believe in good things when it seems a majority of my life has fallen apart.


After a 2-hr pityfest, I got angry. Angry at myself for even allowing those thoughts into my head. I have no right to call myself a failure. I am intelligent, hard-working and I always persevere. No matter what. So that's what I told myself: I promised ME that I would succeed no matter what.


No matter if I'm fired - no matter what. No matter if no one else believes in me - no matter what. No matter if that stupid voice in my head doesn't shut up - no matter what. I will succeed.


Just the fact that I arrived at that place is a huge success compared to previous similar experiences.


Going through the experience of last Friday helped me to see I am in a similar boat as I have been several times in the past.


So when I am going to do something about? That's what I asked myself.


I decided now was as good of time as any.


I'm not quite sure what I'm doing next or where I will be but today I am making time to talk to my therapist and get a plan of action. It is up to me so it will be.


The rest of my weekend was quite good; I met some new people from my church (young adult group), did some hiking and read.


Sunday night I decided it was time to date again.


So I decided to join the web site I had belonged to prior to meeting TX. And guess who is an active member?


Oh yeah, he is.


I was shocked to say the least...that was quickly followed by anger, betrayal and hurt. It's clear he's been a member for awhile so obviously he hasn't taken the time to heal or clear up any of his old wounds. He's just biding his time by dating new women.


I understand different people grieve in different ways. Typically (from what my male friends tell me) men move on by dating again. I move on AFTER I have healed.


Regardless of his dating status, it hurt immensely that he couldn't tell me he wasn't ready for a commitment. That's obviously why he left our relationship. He can only handle superficial involvements.


I have a lot more respect for someone who can own their emotional space than someone who hides it from himself.


I only wanted him to be happy and healthy. I doubt he'll get either one of those things based on his current actions.


So he hasn't written me back and I'm not sure he will.


That isn't important. The only thing that is important right now is that I know there is someone much stronger emotionally and he is out there looking for me.


There is an incredible man who wants to love and be loved by me; a man who wants to be my partner and perhaps eventually my husband. I will only be with a man who is in that place. Everyone else can take a hike.


It was a tough thing for me to see but it made moving on much clearer and much easier...and that is a gift. It feels a bit like a hidden gift wrapped in some pain but it is a gift nonetheless.


As was my Friday chat. My gift is knowing I don't belong here and I shouldn't expand energy thinking I may find a better position within the company.


Obviously I'm not valued and it's time to find people who will love me and give me the space to share my talents and gifts with them. I know they are out there, I know that job is out there.


Now I'm asking the Universe to send it to me by whatever means necessary (Ok I'd rather it be in a safe, friendly & loving manner).


Both of my gifts will lay the foundation for future blessings and an even more abundant, beautiful life. But damn it was tough to come to that conclusion (and yes I said WTF a lot).

A new week

It is a lovely spring day in Colorado today. The birds were chirping went I left this morning (notice how they chirp even on Mondays...we can all be that blissful if we choose) and it's the start of a new season.


My weekend was a good one. Saturday I attended a new member meeting at a local church. In the afternoon I went to yoga, ate some dinner at Foolish Craig's and then went to a friend's birthday party.


Sunday I officially joined the church where I had attended the new member orientation on Saturday - Unitarian Universalist of Boulder. And then I gardened, went to the library, etc.


The majority of the weekend was soothing and comforting. I can feel the gentleness of spring coming in and it helps to continue my healing process. The healing process seems to be something that ricochets up, down & all around on a daily basis. Saturday I felt fantastic and ready to embrace the newness of life all around.


Sunday I missed Tx terribly and was sad I couldn't share my new church membership with him. A mutual passion for spirituality and religion was something we always shared.


So I decided to share my joy in my heart and hope he could feel it.


This week will be another busy, eventful 7 days. Tonight & tomorrow are the usual (counseling & pottery respectively).


Wednesday night I think there is a women's spiritual group at church so I may attend that.


Thursday night I am having dinner with a friend who is in CO from AZ where he currently lives. No not THAT guy from AZ. George is long gone thank heavens.


My friend Jeff (climbing pal basically) is planning to move to CO and is in the process of interviewing. This week he has something lined up in the area and we're hanging out on Thursday.


A mutual friend of ours has hinted she'd be happy to see us get together. While I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen (he may be a bit more alpha male than I can handle and I'm fairly certain he doesn't want children...we all know my body is bonkers for babies which won't change til I actually get prego & have a baby), some flirting may go on. That would be a nice ego boost for me right now I guess.


I am doing my best to be open to new energy & new changes (better than old changes right?!) but the thought of a romantic addition to my life doesn't feel quite right yet. I'm getting there though.


It's a new week, start of a new season so changes are afoot I am sure. It'll be fun to see what they are!

Self-indulgent

That's really what this blog is for me. It's just my place to rant & rave about my life. I realize I share lessons and experiences that may help others but really this blog is just self-indulgence with my name plastered all over it. ;)

And I'm ok with that. I need a place to talk about my experiences and sort things out so I improve them the next go-round. Because there's always a next go-round!

Tonight I have another counseling session. Again more self-indulgence and I enjoy it. I like that I get to talk about myself for an hour and hopefully gain some more insights into my behaviors and actions.

Anyway, on to the self-indulgent portion of the entry. My weekend was pretty good overall. I cried very little which was nice. I feel like I am healing and growing.

I'm incredibly grateful for the gift of love. For being able to love someone and for being able to accept his love in return. Hopefully he felt the same gift and is happy for the experience. And I do hope for his healing to be complete and for him to experience all the happiness there possibly is.

Friday night I went home after a long walk at Wash Park. I read a little, ate ice cream (I love Rocky Road) and went to bed.

Saturday was my usual morning of volunteering then I went to our first farmer's market of the season! Woo hoo!!! It actually kinda sucked because there was very little produce but that's to be expected this time of the year. I'm simply ecstatic that the market has opened!

After the farmer's market (and an oh-so-yummy lunch of mole corn tamales), I went to the library to work on a freelance project for Dr. Mercola.

2 hrs later I headed outside to sit by the river and watch the ducks. It was beautiful!

While there, I wrote for a bit - am working on putting together a writing class for Longmont Free University - watched the ducks some more and then went to Ideal Market to pick up some food.

Saturday night I watched Enchanted with a friend. It's such a wonderful movie! I loved it and think I will buy the DVD and the soundtrack.

Normally I avoid most movies that are musicals (I may be the only person in the world who doesn't like Sound of Music) but this one I loved.

Perhaps it's the princess aspect of it (what girl doesn't want to be a princess? Speaking of which I have to buy my tiara before my birthday next month...) or the fairy-tale-dreams-come-true theme or that McDreamy is in it. Or any combination thereof. Whatever the reason, I loved it. It's absolutely delightful and I highly recommend it - especially if you are hanging out with little girls.

Sunday I did next to nothing - didn't even go to church (I was putting the finishing touches on my copy for Dr. Mercola and before I knew it, it was after 10am). But it was relaxing and that was the important part.

Overall, good weekend. Hope yours was too!

Awesome

That's how the gala I attended was last night - awesome! The Colorado I Have a Dream Foundation hosted its own 20th birthday celebration last night.

CIHAD is a non-profit org that helps underprivileged and disadvantaged youth through mentoring, tutoring and financial support for post-secondary education. It's been my privilege to be a part of their mentoring services for over 1.5 years.

The highlight of the evening were guest speakers Erin Gruwell and one of her Freedom Writers, Maria Reyes. Just as a side note, Freedom Writers is a movie starring Hilary Swank. It tells of Erin's early teaching years in Long Beach, CA and the plight of her neglected and disregarded students who struggle to simply stay alive, let alone get a good education. If you haven't seen it - RUN, don't walk, RUN to your movie store and rent it. Better yet, buy it. It's worth watching a few times and definitely worth watching with others and with children.

Back to the gala...both of the young women spoke about the importance of our kids in this world and how neglected many of them are.

It was an emotional night for many of us in the audience (and you know me, I cry at the drop of a hat in most any circumstance). Their speeches were moving as were the awards given to several of the long-time IHAD students (Dreamers as we call them) and the official announcement of 2 more incoming classes (IHAD adopts a class of 4th graders from a school and they are followed through their high school years through a progression of tutoring then mentoring then financial aid for college/vocational school).

It warms my heart to be a part of something so much bigger than I am and an organization that has long-reaching and lasting effects. It's not quick fix for anyone involved: the kids are part of the program from 4th grade into college (and many are involved into their adulthood by becoming board members, etc). The tutors and mentors are asked to give a minimum of one year but most of us stay with our Dreamers for the rest of our lives. And the sponsors who "adopt" a class stay with their Dreamers from 4th grade on.

I'm so happy to be a part of that and to have contributed my time, my money and my heart. I hope to one day be able to sponsor an entire class. How wonderful - to adopt 50 kids! Right now I mentor one Dreamer and she's just a peach. I love hanging out with her and it's been a pleasure to be a part of her life over the last 1.5 years. I'm amazed...I know I'm going to turn around and she'll be graduating!

It's truly a life-changing experience to mentor someone who is growing up so differently than I did. It's a lot of fun but definitely has its challenging moments (like anything).

I know some of my friends think I'm a "good" person for volunteering and mentoring but my life only feels complete when I'm doing things for my community and for the world around me. I feel like I'm connected to something greater than my own little life and that gives me purpose.

Without purpose I feel incomplete and hollow, like I'm missing the inside of my leg. Perhaps that makes me strange but strange is fine. Weird is good as one of my teachers says. ;)

Anyway, I think the world would be a much better place if each of us just stopped for a moment out of every day and thought of something nice we could do for someone else. To find some way to contribute to a life outside of our own.

It gives me warm fuzzies anyway. :)

Enjoy your weekend. I'm heading off to Wash Park to walk for awhile and then will probably go home. I need a quiet night alone to relax after a busy week. And it has to be tonight because I have volunteering to do tomorrow along with some freelance stuff. It will be a busy weekend!

New furniture!

My new furniture!!! It's tough to see in these pictures but these two pieces have a light, light green shade. They are sort of in the French Country/provincial style which is my absolute favorite (minus the roosters of course).

Aren't they lovely?!!!! I smile every time I look at them.

Shoshoni!

Here it is - the lovely Shoshoni.

Better

Today I feel much better, much lighter and much more at peace. Whether it was the bouquet of lilies I bought for myself, the silent meditative weekend retreat I've planned for my birthday next month or my meditation last night. Whatever it was (or any combination of those things), I feel free.

Just free to be me (yipee!), free to let my heart fill with love, peace and acceptance. I wish all the love, joy, peace and understanding for everyone I know.

Oprah's webcast with Eckhart Tolle touches on this quite a bit - the pain body.

If you're interested look at Oprah.com for the link to this week's show.

I know this particular section is especially relevant to me, I know I hold a pain body inside. There's no way to experience a childhood as I did and NOT have a pain body.

I haven't read this chapter - haven't read any actually! I've just been watching each session the week following the original airdate.

I may jump in and read this chapter or I may hold off til my weekend retreat and read the entire book.

Here's a link to the place I'll be staying, Shoshoni.


I'll post images in another entry...for some reason I can't seem to place photos wherever I want to in my post! I think you'll agree wtih my that it is a beautiful, serene place for quiet introspection and reconnection with Mother Nature.

Lilies...

I meant I bought lilies. Why do I confuse the two so often? Don't know but here's an image of my lovely lilies.

Therapy

Well I went to therapy last night at DU. Needless to say my reoccuring abandoment issues aren't something that can be cured, healed or otherwise adequately addressed in an hour. Not that I expected to fix anything in that hour...I just forgot how exhausting it can be to deal with emotional topics.

Overall it was good. I liked my therapist. For some reason I thought I'd be matched with a man but V is female. She's very nice and warm-hearted.

Today I felt better when I woke up but the day has slowly drained my heart and my body. I feel tired, lonely and depressed. I'm already sick to death with healing and I just want the F'ing pain to go away. I still feel like someone kicked me in the gut and I can barely breath.

So today I bought myself some gorgeous orchids (they are spectacular) and am looking at making some reservations at Shoshoni the weekend of my birthday next month.

Not that either of those things made much of an impact on my energy level, they didn't. But I have to take care of myself; I am always but always worth the effort, time and green energy. My heart deserves the best and that is what I give it.

Love Is...

Remember how I struggled with some questions around love last week?

I found this quote today in my email Inbox and I found it to be very soothing and comforting.


"Love possesses not nor will it be possessed,

for love is sufficient unto love."

--Kahlil Gibran


Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet is one of my favorite books ever printed. I simply love it and think the words are some of the most beautiful ever conceived, ever thought and ever written.

Bold statement I know but it is an amazing book!

Therapy

Tonight is my first night of therapy at DU. We'll see how that goes - it will be nice to have a professional sounding board. I'm so tired of talking to other people about my problems...mainly because most people prefer to blame the world around them versus taking responsibility for their lives.

I was certainly in that mindset even just a few years ago. But I've left that behind and decided it's easier if I take accountability for my results.

Anyway, my point is most people don't understand how I choose to live. And that's fine, I don't ask anyone to follow in my footsteps. I simply ask for respect for my choices and I offer the same in return.

That being said, it gets a bit lonely sometimes.

Saturday night was one of those lonely times. I spent most of the day doing my usual: volunteer work in the morning, grocery shopping and meeting with a client at a coffee shop on Pearl.

Anyway, I went home after all of my errands.

And I stayed there. I was watching movies and camped out by 6pm. It felt comfortable I guess and I finally slowed down after a hectic week.

And I just cried. I watched some movies, I cried.

I read a book, I cried.

It was just a big ole crying fest for some reason. I suppose it helped and I guess I felt better on Sunday since I didn't cry very much. But it certainly didn't change how lonely I felt.

Sunday afternoon I spent with some friends at Chuck E. Cheese and we celebrated their daughter's 5th birthday. It was so fun and I loved playing with both of their girls (who are 3 & 5). But my heart ached when I had to go home and go back to my lonely, empty house.

There was a realization I came to over the weekend. I discovered that TX was one of the few people in my life who knows/knew so much about me, about my philosophies, my beliefs and my life's vision.

He was someone I shared things with almost every day - deep, intimate, personal things.

I let him become a part of my life in many ways and I miss that. I miss sharing my day to day things with him. I miss having that person who cares, who says he cares and shows he cares.

And yes I admit I simply miss having someone to share with but if I wanted just anyone, I could find that. If I wanted someone just for physical intimacy, I could find that easily. Someone to hang out with? Sure, in a heartbeat.

But someone who gives me the space to talk about my deepest fears and my greatest passions and loves? Nope.

I've been looking for him for 8 years and this was the first man I found who gave me all of that. There have been others who have given me bits and pieces here and there but no one else has given me all he did.

But he did give and that's the important lesson to take with me. He gave and so did I. I gave in ways I have never given before and I'm so grateful for all of that!

I am, as always, so grateful for the love I have experienced. To know that I could and did give so much with only hope, respect and love in my heart is a wonderful feeling.

So that is the feeling I choose to hold on to and keep in my heart.

For Every Yesterday, There Is a Today

For all the good yesterday did me, today has been the opposite. I cried before 7:30am, thought about him a lot before noon and accidentally found his first email to me and read a sentence or two before I could click away (stupid brain - always reading).


It has been a hard day and it's just past noon. How am I supposed to go on dates when my insides ache for him? It makes no sense.


I know in my heart this is where we both need to be right now but that doesn't make it easier or make the tears stop. It's best to let them out anyway, gotta deal with feelings somehow or they'll just sit there until you do.


It's such a different break-up. I'm accustomed to men leaving because they acted stupidly or didn't love me, found someone else, etc. All of that I have dealt with.


But walking away from love?


That is the most difficult of all break-ups. It makes my heart hurt. I understand the phrase "gut-wrenching". My insides ache when I think about him.


But with yoga and meditation, I better understand that thoughts are just thoughts. Feelings are feelings and letting go of both becomes much easier. It doesn't mean I've let go of my love for him. I don't have to, it will always be in my heart.


HE will always be in heart.


I take comfort in knowing that. It is a warm, safe place I keep for him filled with love, light, laughter and joy.


And if that safe place exists for him then I can and do hold myself there as well. I create that same feeling for me, for my heart and for all the love I have to share with the world.


There is beauty and truth in that which eases my aches, my tears and my heart.