March Madness

My True Confession: Spring fever hits me every year and upsets my calm, complacent existence. No I'm not talkin basketball tournies & upsets - I'm talking about the itch I get every March. It never fails, every year around this time I want to chuck my life to the curb and change everything. I want to walk away from my job, my cell phone bill, my everyday living "adult" demands and become a hermit...or a wayward American adrift in Nepal...or a cosmpolitan debutante lunching in Manhattan...or a forgotten countryside dwelling writer typing away with the fury of a 1,000 demons. Any of those - none of those - it doesn't matter, I just want to forget it all and leave my adult self behind. Spring must be the culprit, the zenith of a year of oppression unleashing itself. Something's the culprit behind my dingy & moody daydreams because every March I get waylaid at work about some mistake (or several) that I make that inevitably fuck up something. It's never monumental or cataclysmic - just minor details I should have caught before making said mistake. And then the self-doubt, the questioning all set in - why I am doing this? why I am here? why do I bother? why do I go to the same damn job every day from 9-5 (or 6 or 7 as the case may be) doing the same irksome things with no results? And to those questions I have only one answer: to support my existence. What good is that?! None I tell you, none. Not for me anyway. Most days I enjoy work, somewhat. This entire month however has been a sham. I've not tackled nor embraced every day with the same gusto, the same heart & soul as I have before. I'm not sure I will again and I'm not sure why I haven't. Perhaps I'm not doing what my heart yearns for..well I'm sure I'm not actually. All I want out of life is to write and make a decent living..not Bob Bly $300,000 a year living, a modest income to support my writing habit. Instead I've thwarted all my internal efforts down this road. Until now. With a renewed vigor, I've jumped into the writing game head first. It's not quite sink or swim yet but I plan to make that jump within the next 12 months. Sooner than I originally had planned but it's the only salve, the only baum to nurse and heal my self-depreciating wounds. So I've incorporated my freelance business, opened my biz checking account & am beginning to network for new clients. My book proposal will be ready by spring's end and then we'll jump off the high dive - we'll see if anyone else out there thinks my novel merits consideration, publication, justification.