Anyone who knows me is aware of one fact: I HATE dating. I abhor it. I avoid it. In fact, I typically run screaming in the other direction whenever someone mentions a potential dating-type scenario or situation.
But I've decided all that must change. I have been single for far too long and it must be my fault. So I am busting down the dating door and getting back out there. I don't really want to and I still hate the thought of it but it seems I must venture forth.
So how will I accomplish this new goal or task I've chosen? Any way possible. I've agreed to let a friend introduce me to her ex-boyfriend's friends (weird I know), I'll meet men online or randomly in the grocery store (does that actually happen? People talk about it like it does but I've not heard one story begin with "we met in the express check-out lane"). By whatever means necessary, I'll start dating again.
You may be asking yourself where is her sudden interest in dating coming from? Here and there, random events, long lonely bitter cold nights, etc. And one other source: an unidentified situation with an X. I have no clue if we are any more than we have been in the past but we are venturing into our third get-together next week. That is the most we have seen each other in the last 10 years.
It sounds weird to try to date when I don't have that situation figured it out but it seems to work to my advantage to keep my options open. Every time I don't do that, I end up with no options. So what's a girl to do? Plan ahead, take initative, grab the bull by the horns, get back in the saddle..anything but tread water while looking into the murky depths of the X.
It certainly isn't that I wouldn't get back together with him, I would. I think he is an amazing person and I love having in my life. As a partner, I would be thrilled. But I'm not sure he wants that with me. At least not if the past is at all indicative of future events. Of course this is the first time in those 10 years that he has been truly single. Not living with anyone, not married, not separated, not dealing with a divorce..plain old single.
So I will do my best to keep my options open and not just tread murky, unknown waters.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Monday, November 27, 2006
Another Get-to-Know Me Post
Name: Lara and that's all you get - this is the Internet folks
Birthday: May and that's all you get
Birthplace: Midwest
Current Location: Denver, CO
Eye Color: blue baby
Hair Color: dirty blonde
Height: 5'1"
Right Handed or Left Handed: right
Your Heritage: German
The Shoes You Wore Today: my Strawberry Shortcake hot pank slippers baby..gonna put on my running shoes in a min to go work out
Your Weakness: men
Your Fears: men..just kidding..dying alone, never marrying, giving up on myself & my dreams
Your Perfect Pizza: Orv's cheese or Nicolo's cheese with black olives & peppers
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: earn a grand a month through writing on a steady basis, fall in love with the right man, get the heck out of this country for a few weeks
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: What up?
Thoughts First Waking Up: oh heavens..another 10 minutes please
Your Best Physical Features: my eyes, my heart, my soul, my smile
Your Bedtime: when I can't keep my eyes open - usually between 11pm and 1am
Your Most Missed Memory: my dog BoJo and my grandpa and seeing my siblings as babies!!!
Pepsi or Coke: Coke - cherry
MacDonalds or Burger King: YUCK! Absolute crap - both of 'em.
Single or Group Dates: huh? what does that mean? I don't date.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton
Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate I am a single woman after all - what kind of lunatic would ask that question??
Cappuccino or Coffee: coffee with creamer or cappuccino..like mochas best
Do you Smoke: absolutely not
Do you Swear: absolutely
Do you Sing: yes..does anyone enjoy it? I doubt it.
Do you Shower Daily: nope..every other because Denver is too dry and messes up my Ph-balance
Have you Been in Love: yes..somedays I feel that is unfortunate
Do you want to go to College: already been there, done that
Do you want to get Married: to the right man..otherwise count me out!
Do you believe in yourself: certainly
?Do you get Motion Sickness: yep - gotta sit in the front seat or the middle seat of the back rows in any car
Do you think you are Attractive: certainly
Are you a Health Freak: that is a relative phrase
Do you get along with your Parents: sure do - love 'em
Do you like Thunderstorms: love 'em!!!
Do you play an Instrument: not really
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: sure
In the past month have you Smoked: no..HATE IT
In the past month have you been on Drugs: caffeine and alcohol..that's it
In the past month have you gone on a Date: um, define date exactly..maybe. Do X's count? I guess that was more than a month ago...
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: ugh, I HATE malls
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: I have drooled over the box but haven't actually purchased it. Now that you say that I may go out and buy some..thanks. :\
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: sadly no :(
In the past month have you been on Stage: just in my nightmares
In the past month have you been Dumped: ah, not really
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: sadly no but perhaps I can change that when I take my trip next week
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: nope
Ever been Drunk: yep a do
Ever been called a Tease: oh yes and I am..but only in a good way
Ever been Beaten up: Never
Ever Shoplifted: yep..as a teen
How do you want to Die: on a mountain somewhere after having told every single person how I feel about them
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: Me but richer
What country would you most like to Visit: Just one? How about the Phillipines, New Zealand, Australia, the Fiji Islands, Micronesia, Cook Islands, Spain, Egypt, Morocco, Ethiopia, Zimbabwe, Ireland, Austria, Switzerland, the Yukon, Vancouver (ok Canada), any South American or Central American country..see,I can't choose just one.
Number of things in my Past I Regret: I guess if we never regret things we don't learn do we? I regret a few things but they are too personal to share here.
Birthday: May and that's all you get
Birthplace: Midwest
Current Location: Denver, CO
Eye Color: blue baby
Hair Color: dirty blonde
Height: 5'1"
Right Handed or Left Handed: right
Your Heritage: German
The Shoes You Wore Today: my Strawberry Shortcake hot pank slippers baby..gonna put on my running shoes in a min to go work out
Your Weakness: men
Your Fears: men..just kidding..dying alone, never marrying, giving up on myself & my dreams
Your Perfect Pizza: Orv's cheese or Nicolo's cheese with black olives & peppers
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: earn a grand a month through writing on a steady basis, fall in love with the right man, get the heck out of this country for a few weeks
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: What up?
Thoughts First Waking Up: oh heavens..another 10 minutes please
Your Best Physical Features: my eyes, my heart, my soul, my smile
Your Bedtime: when I can't keep my eyes open - usually between 11pm and 1am
Your Most Missed Memory: my dog BoJo and my grandpa and seeing my siblings as babies!!!
Pepsi or Coke: Coke - cherry
MacDonalds or Burger King: YUCK! Absolute crap - both of 'em.
Single or Group Dates: huh? what does that mean? I don't date.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton
Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate I am a single woman after all - what kind of lunatic would ask that question??
Cappuccino or Coffee: coffee with creamer or cappuccino..like mochas best
Do you Smoke: absolutely not
Do you Swear: absolutely
Do you Sing: yes..does anyone enjoy it? I doubt it.
Do you Shower Daily: nope..every other because Denver is too dry and messes up my Ph-balance
Have you Been in Love: yes..somedays I feel that is unfortunate
Do you want to go to College: already been there, done that
Do you want to get Married: to the right man..otherwise count me out!
Do you believe in yourself: certainly
?Do you get Motion Sickness: yep - gotta sit in the front seat or the middle seat of the back rows in any car
Do you think you are Attractive: certainly
Are you a Health Freak: that is a relative phrase
Do you get along with your Parents: sure do - love 'em
Do you like Thunderstorms: love 'em!!!
Do you play an Instrument: not really
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: sure
In the past month have you Smoked: no..HATE IT
In the past month have you been on Drugs: caffeine and alcohol..that's it
In the past month have you gone on a Date: um, define date exactly..maybe. Do X's count? I guess that was more than a month ago...
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: ugh, I HATE malls
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: I have drooled over the box but haven't actually purchased it. Now that you say that I may go out and buy some..thanks. :\
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: sadly no :(
In the past month have you been on Stage: just in my nightmares
In the past month have you been Dumped: ah, not really
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: sadly no but perhaps I can change that when I take my trip next week
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: nope
Ever been Drunk: yep a do
Ever been called a Tease: oh yes and I am..but only in a good way
Ever been Beaten up: Never
Ever Shoplifted: yep..as a teen
How do you want to Die: on a mountain somewhere after having told every single person how I feel about them
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: Me but richer
What country would you most like to Visit: Just one? How about the Phillipines, New Zealand, Australia, the Fiji Islands, Micronesia, Cook Islands, Spain, Egypt, Morocco, Ethiopia, Zimbabwe, Ireland, Austria, Switzerland, the Yukon, Vancouver (ok Canada), any South American or Central American country..see,I can't choose just one.
Number of things in my Past I Regret: I guess if we never regret things we don't learn do we? I regret a few things but they are too personal to share here.
Holiday Gratitude
If you've been reading my posts over the last month you'll undoubtedly have noted my melancholy. Some of it has been situations in my life and some of it has been related to the holidays. Every year for the past 6 years I have been single during the holidays. (Ok last year I hadn't completely ended things with my now X but we were basically over). And every single year I have hated it and hoped for that to change by the following year.
So this time I've decided to not focus on being alone but to focus on thinking in terms of already having a relationship. I'm not sure how best to describe it but it's more of a mindset. I'm holding the feeling of happiness and being in love in my heart instead of the longing I usually feel when I think about my current state.
So in the spirit of the holidays I am going to be grateful when I go home in a few weeks. I'm going to be grateful for dozen+ kids I know under the age of 4 (I'm not lying...it's somewhere around 13 or 14 crumbmunchers); for all the newlyweds, newly engaged and long-time married couples I know (who better to learn from right?!). I won't fret over my lack of boyfriend, fiance or husband...at least not today! :)
So this time I've decided to not focus on being alone but to focus on thinking in terms of already having a relationship. I'm not sure how best to describe it but it's more of a mindset. I'm holding the feeling of happiness and being in love in my heart instead of the longing I usually feel when I think about my current state.
So in the spirit of the holidays I am going to be grateful when I go home in a few weeks. I'm going to be grateful for dozen+ kids I know under the age of 4 (I'm not lying...it's somewhere around 13 or 14 crumbmunchers); for all the newlyweds, newly engaged and long-time married couples I know (who better to learn from right?!). I won't fret over my lack of boyfriend, fiance or husband...at least not today! :)
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
I Was Wrong
Apparently a pint of butter pecan can help..slightly. At least until the sugar high wears off.
But the boys still know where I am if they want me.
But the boys still know where I am if they want me.
I'm Officially Done
Done with men - done trying, done thinking about, done trying to understand them. I know one thing to be true and it is this: if a man doesn't make an effort to see you, talk to you and generally get to know you intimately..he's not interested. And if you ever doubt his interest, you're right. It's not there.
I know this from experience and plenty of heartaches..chalk the last one up to the same. I should've listened to my inner voice several weeks ago and let it go. But I didn't so instead of crying then I'm crying now. And I'm letting it go.
But the nagging question as always is - why? Why don't the men I'm interested in return my interest? In 6.5 years one man has done this (this doesn't include several men who weren't single). I have no idea. I wish I knew. I wish my heart truly believed there was at least one more chance for love but it doesn't. I would welcome the chance to explore that possibility with a wonderful man but he isn't coming around so I'm putting that hope away...maybe I should put it in what my mom calls my "hopeless chest". Who knew she'd be so right?
I'm exhausted, my cold is not gone and I hurt all over..whether that is from emotional aches or physical ailments I don't know. But I'm done. I've had it.
Even chocolate can't fix this one and you know that's serious.
I know this from experience and plenty of heartaches..chalk the last one up to the same. I should've listened to my inner voice several weeks ago and let it go. But I didn't so instead of crying then I'm crying now. And I'm letting it go.
But the nagging question as always is - why? Why don't the men I'm interested in return my interest? In 6.5 years one man has done this (this doesn't include several men who weren't single). I have no idea. I wish I knew. I wish my heart truly believed there was at least one more chance for love but it doesn't. I would welcome the chance to explore that possibility with a wonderful man but he isn't coming around so I'm putting that hope away...maybe I should put it in what my mom calls my "hopeless chest". Who knew she'd be so right?
I'm exhausted, my cold is not gone and I hurt all over..whether that is from emotional aches or physical ailments I don't know. But I'm done. I've had it.
Even chocolate can't fix this one and you know that's serious.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Ho-Hum
That pretty much summarizes my energy level the last week or two. Yes I've had a cold which is just about gone but I've also had very little work. Two of my main clients have slipped away without notice or reason and that has left me short on funds. I spent most of last week temping at a PR firm. I must admit I was tempted to interview for a writer/editor job they have open; they even asked me if I was interested. But I hate cubicles and hate having a boss (besides my current one...she's pretty cool...I'm talking about me silly people) . I do believe I can make it as a writer - I'm a good copywriter and I enjoy it. I just don't have a lot of clips right now nor a solid marketing strategy. Both of those will be remedied in time..I just have to make things work til then.
Unfortunately the holidays are fast approaching and I have to find a way to pay for all of those related items and events til then. Here's hoping more work comes my way! Keep your fingers crossed for me. :)
Unfortunately the holidays are fast approaching and I have to find a way to pay for all of those related items and events til then. Here's hoping more work comes my way! Keep your fingers crossed for me. :)
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Men
I have no clue when it comes to men. Magazines tell us they are simple creatures: beer, breasts and beef. Perhaps that's true but some men are a bit more complicated than that. Some men actually have feelings and I seem to have a way of stepping on them without every intending to.
I cannot read men very well and often misinterpret their signals and their communcations. I'm never sure if they are actually interested in me, just my chest or if they simply think I'm just another cute girl they know and are friends with. Most of the time I err on the side of caution and assume he's not interested. And I'm usually right...he's not. But every now & again I get my hopes up ...only to have them squashed. And that's ok, I'm a big girl and I can pick up the pieces and take care of myself.
But what if there was something I could do to prevent that? I wish I knew what I've been doing in the past because I seem to mess up everything that comes my way. Perhaps one day I'll get my shit together and figure things out. Til then I'm just me and I'm trying to understand.
I cannot read men very well and often misinterpret their signals and their communcations. I'm never sure if they are actually interested in me, just my chest or if they simply think I'm just another cute girl they know and are friends with. Most of the time I err on the side of caution and assume he's not interested. And I'm usually right...he's not. But every now & again I get my hopes up ...only to have them squashed. And that's ok, I'm a big girl and I can pick up the pieces and take care of myself.
But what if there was something I could do to prevent that? I wish I knew what I've been doing in the past because I seem to mess up everything that comes my way. Perhaps one day I'll get my shit together and figure things out. Til then I'm just me and I'm trying to understand.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Well I Should Shut My Mouth
And my brain apparently. This is an interesting blog entry that certainly smacked my negative thoughts upside themselves.
It lists a fantastic quote I shall keep in mind every day:
"Coming empty-handed, going empty-handed -- that is human.
When you are born, Where do you come from?
When you die, where do you go?"
- Zen Master Seung Sahn
Definitely words to live by.
It lists a fantastic quote I shall keep in mind every day:
"Coming empty-handed, going empty-handed -- that is human.
When you are born, Where do you come from?
When you die, where do you go?"
- Zen Master Seung Sahn
Definitely words to live by.
Why Do I Bother?
I feel like the same questions have plagued me for the last several years so my question is why do I bother? Why do I even care? I feel like my efforts are either thwarted or go unnoticed by the cosmos. I take chances in love, in my career but for what? There's no pay-off. I've gotten nothing out of it. I'm still alone and broke..just like I was 6 years ago. At least 6 years ago I had a modicum of hope and faith. I can't say the same today.
It isn't so much that I've lost hope or faith in love, I've just stop pondering their existence. They seem to work for others but I've had enough. I've stopped wondering what my life could be like with a partner. All I do is focus on my life with me and how I can make it better. I don't truly expect to share it with anyone, ever.
I wouldn't say I feel those things because I'm feeling sorry for myself (not generally but today, yes, I am sick and acting like a spoiled brat because of it) but more because I think in terms of reality. And what has my reality been of late? No dates, ex-boyfriends who only want to see me when it's convenient for them and men who aren't interested in me. And frankly who wants to think of their future in terms of that?? Not me.
I'm not so sure marriage is going to happen for me nor children. And how I'll ever earn more than $20,000 a year also seems to be out of reach. So if my life continues on this path despite my best efforts, in 10 years you will find me camped at the base of Everest with crampons and pick axe in hand along with a few sherpas at my disposal. And for a few exhilarating days I will feel alive...more so than I have for years.
It isn't so much that I've lost hope or faith in love, I've just stop pondering their existence. They seem to work for others but I've had enough. I've stopped wondering what my life could be like with a partner. All I do is focus on my life with me and how I can make it better. I don't truly expect to share it with anyone, ever.
I wouldn't say I feel those things because I'm feeling sorry for myself (not generally but today, yes, I am sick and acting like a spoiled brat because of it) but more because I think in terms of reality. And what has my reality been of late? No dates, ex-boyfriends who only want to see me when it's convenient for them and men who aren't interested in me. And frankly who wants to think of their future in terms of that?? Not me.
I'm not so sure marriage is going to happen for me nor children. And how I'll ever earn more than $20,000 a year also seems to be out of reach. So if my life continues on this path despite my best efforts, in 10 years you will find me camped at the base of Everest with crampons and pick axe in hand along with a few sherpas at my disposal. And for a few exhilarating days I will feel alive...more so than I have for years.
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