What a week it has been already. I told you briefly about TX. We did email & he explained to me he's keeping in touch with people he met on that site. He said he is not dating and he is sorry he hurt me, very sorry.
So at least that was easier to hear than to hear he's dating again.
It opened an old wound to talk to him but I feel a bit better now that we've discussed the situation. It still means I have a ways to go before I'm comfortable with him dating anyone else. And I have to get there, eventually.
But today is not that day and that's ok.
And I told you about the Friday mtg. Yesterday I began looking & applying for part-time work (admin type stuff) in Boulder. I was really looking for a marketing firm or similar to work for - preferably upwards of 30 hours a week. I knew if I found that type of position, I could find clients and work to fill the rest of my week (promoting my classes for example).
Today I applied for a job, explained I was transitioning to part-time for the next few years. I gave them my resume and said if they were interested in a long-term PT person, I'd love to meet with them.
They contacted me a few hours later and we set up a meeting for Friday morning (when I will be calling into work, conveniently enough).
Later today, the person I'm meeting with emailed to say he had passed along my resume to his boss who was in need of a copywriter, an emergency project (aren't they all??). I said sign me up!
Well I didn't say that exactly but I told him I was definitely interested in talking with his boss.
So the boss called, we talked, there will be emails exchanged and a project will probably come into my lap.
Woo woo for me!!!!
I'm constantly amazed at how well things work out when you simply have faith. I prayed to my angels last night to help me stay open to opportunities and allow more money, more writing and more fun into my life. And look what happened? You may think it's a coincidence and that's your opinion.
I on the other hand believe I decided what I wanted, opened it up (believed and felt I deserved it) and let it happen however it naturally showed up on my doorstep.
And here it is. Already!
What a week. I feel the need to celebrate somehow!
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
WTF
That about sums up how I feel about the last 3-4 days. WTF? WTF is going on with people? Why do so many people suck?
I suppose I can backtrack a bit and explain where all of my modified F expressions are coming from.
On Friday I was called into my boss' office (rarely a good thing - they always schedule your promotions & raises well in advance on a calendar) and was told I had had too many mistakes since January. I was told to fix them or I would be let go in 3 weeks.
Part of me was angry because this job is just sucky, part of me didn't care (which is awful, I abhor apathy) and part of me was sad. I'd rather not be fired. I'd prefer to find a better job in the next 3 weeks. It could happen I think.
My boss & I chatted for a bit and he's a good guy, he understands how negative this place is and how difficult it is to work in a job where you are only recognized when you F up. (Yes lots of F bombs in my vocab the last few days...sorry). He also heard me when I told him I have an immense amount of experience doing terrific writing assignments and handling multiple, ongoing projects. As he said, I am overqualified for what I do.
While this is true, I have repeatedly expressed interest in staying with this company and finding a better fit for me. Mainly, I'd prefer to do something I enjoy with them for awhile til I can go out on my own again, full-time. Currently my freelance isn't at that pitch but it will be in time.
So that was Friday afternoon.
I left early, went to Wash Park and had a pity party for myself. Even though I don't believe the voice in my head, it told me I was an abject failure in work, in relationships and even my health lately. Clearly my faith as well - I have struggled to believe in good things when it seems a majority of my life has fallen apart.
After a 2-hr pityfest, I got angry. Angry at myself for even allowing those thoughts into my head. I have no right to call myself a failure. I am intelligent, hard-working and I always persevere. No matter what. So that's what I told myself: I promised ME that I would succeed no matter what.
No matter if I'm fired - no matter what. No matter if no one else believes in me - no matter what. No matter if that stupid voice in my head doesn't shut up - no matter what. I will succeed.
Just the fact that I arrived at that place is a huge success compared to previous similar experiences.
Going through the experience of last Friday helped me to see I am in a similar boat as I have been several times in the past.
So when I am going to do something about? That's what I asked myself.
I decided now was as good of time as any.
I'm not quite sure what I'm doing next or where I will be but today I am making time to talk to my therapist and get a plan of action. It is up to me so it will be.
The rest of my weekend was quite good; I met some new people from my church (young adult group), did some hiking and read.
Sunday night I decided it was time to date again.
So I decided to join the web site I had belonged to prior to meeting TX. And guess who is an active member?
Oh yeah, he is.
I was shocked to say the least...that was quickly followed by anger, betrayal and hurt. It's clear he's been a member for awhile so obviously he hasn't taken the time to heal or clear up any of his old wounds. He's just biding his time by dating new women.
I understand different people grieve in different ways. Typically (from what my male friends tell me) men move on by dating again. I move on AFTER I have healed.
Regardless of his dating status, it hurt immensely that he couldn't tell me he wasn't ready for a commitment. That's obviously why he left our relationship. He can only handle superficial involvements.
I have a lot more respect for someone who can own their emotional space than someone who hides it from himself.
I only wanted him to be happy and healthy. I doubt he'll get either one of those things based on his current actions.
So he hasn't written me back and I'm not sure he will.
That isn't important. The only thing that is important right now is that I know there is someone much stronger emotionally and he is out there looking for me.
There is an incredible man who wants to love and be loved by me; a man who wants to be my partner and perhaps eventually my husband. I will only be with a man who is in that place. Everyone else can take a hike.
It was a tough thing for me to see but it made moving on much clearer and much easier...and that is a gift. It feels a bit like a hidden gift wrapped in some pain but it is a gift nonetheless.
As was my Friday chat. My gift is knowing I don't belong here and I shouldn't expand energy thinking I may find a better position within the company.
Obviously I'm not valued and it's time to find people who will love me and give me the space to share my talents and gifts with them. I know they are out there, I know that job is out there.
Now I'm asking the Universe to send it to me by whatever means necessary (Ok I'd rather it be in a safe, friendly & loving manner).
Both of my gifts will lay the foundation for future blessings and an even more abundant, beautiful life. But damn it was tough to come to that conclusion (and yes I said WTF a lot).
I suppose I can backtrack a bit and explain where all of my modified F expressions are coming from.
On Friday I was called into my boss' office (rarely a good thing - they always schedule your promotions & raises well in advance on a calendar) and was told I had had too many mistakes since January. I was told to fix them or I would be let go in 3 weeks.
Part of me was angry because this job is just sucky, part of me didn't care (which is awful, I abhor apathy) and part of me was sad. I'd rather not be fired. I'd prefer to find a better job in the next 3 weeks. It could happen I think.
My boss & I chatted for a bit and he's a good guy, he understands how negative this place is and how difficult it is to work in a job where you are only recognized when you F up. (Yes lots of F bombs in my vocab the last few days...sorry). He also heard me when I told him I have an immense amount of experience doing terrific writing assignments and handling multiple, ongoing projects. As he said, I am overqualified for what I do.
While this is true, I have repeatedly expressed interest in staying with this company and finding a better fit for me. Mainly, I'd prefer to do something I enjoy with them for awhile til I can go out on my own again, full-time. Currently my freelance isn't at that pitch but it will be in time.
So that was Friday afternoon.
I left early, went to Wash Park and had a pity party for myself. Even though I don't believe the voice in my head, it told me I was an abject failure in work, in relationships and even my health lately. Clearly my faith as well - I have struggled to believe in good things when it seems a majority of my life has fallen apart.
After a 2-hr pityfest, I got angry. Angry at myself for even allowing those thoughts into my head. I have no right to call myself a failure. I am intelligent, hard-working and I always persevere. No matter what. So that's what I told myself: I promised ME that I would succeed no matter what.
No matter if I'm fired - no matter what. No matter if no one else believes in me - no matter what. No matter if that stupid voice in my head doesn't shut up - no matter what. I will succeed.
Just the fact that I arrived at that place is a huge success compared to previous similar experiences.
Going through the experience of last Friday helped me to see I am in a similar boat as I have been several times in the past.
So when I am going to do something about? That's what I asked myself.
I decided now was as good of time as any.
I'm not quite sure what I'm doing next or where I will be but today I am making time to talk to my therapist and get a plan of action. It is up to me so it will be.
The rest of my weekend was quite good; I met some new people from my church (young adult group), did some hiking and read.
Sunday night I decided it was time to date again.
So I decided to join the web site I had belonged to prior to meeting TX. And guess who is an active member?
Oh yeah, he is.
I was shocked to say the least...that was quickly followed by anger, betrayal and hurt. It's clear he's been a member for awhile so obviously he hasn't taken the time to heal or clear up any of his old wounds. He's just biding his time by dating new women.
I understand different people grieve in different ways. Typically (from what my male friends tell me) men move on by dating again. I move on AFTER I have healed.
Regardless of his dating status, it hurt immensely that he couldn't tell me he wasn't ready for a commitment. That's obviously why he left our relationship. He can only handle superficial involvements.
I have a lot more respect for someone who can own their emotional space than someone who hides it from himself.
I only wanted him to be happy and healthy. I doubt he'll get either one of those things based on his current actions.
So he hasn't written me back and I'm not sure he will.
That isn't important. The only thing that is important right now is that I know there is someone much stronger emotionally and he is out there looking for me.
There is an incredible man who wants to love and be loved by me; a man who wants to be my partner and perhaps eventually my husband. I will only be with a man who is in that place. Everyone else can take a hike.
It was a tough thing for me to see but it made moving on much clearer and much easier...and that is a gift. It feels a bit like a hidden gift wrapped in some pain but it is a gift nonetheless.
As was my Friday chat. My gift is knowing I don't belong here and I shouldn't expand energy thinking I may find a better position within the company.
Obviously I'm not valued and it's time to find people who will love me and give me the space to share my talents and gifts with them. I know they are out there, I know that job is out there.
Now I'm asking the Universe to send it to me by whatever means necessary (Ok I'd rather it be in a safe, friendly & loving manner).
Both of my gifts will lay the foundation for future blessings and an even more abundant, beautiful life. But damn it was tough to come to that conclusion (and yes I said WTF a lot).
Monday, April 21, 2008
A new week
It is a lovely spring day in Colorado today. The birds were chirping went I left this morning (notice how they chirp even on Mondays...we can all be that blissful if we choose) and it's the start of a new season.
My weekend was a good one. Saturday I attended a new member meeting at a local church. In the afternoon I went to yoga, ate some dinner at Foolish Craig's and then went to a friend's birthday party.
Sunday I officially joined the church where I had attended the new member orientation on Saturday - Unitarian Universalist of Boulder. And then I gardened, went to the library, etc.
The majority of the weekend was soothing and comforting. I can feel the gentleness of spring coming in and it helps to continue my healing process. The healing process seems to be something that ricochets up, down & all around on a daily basis. Saturday I felt fantastic and ready to embrace the newness of life all around.
Sunday I missed Tx terribly and was sad I couldn't share my new church membership with him. A mutual passion for spirituality and religion was something we always shared.
So I decided to share my joy in my heart and hope he could feel it.
This week will be another busy, eventful 7 days. Tonight & tomorrow are the usual (counseling & pottery respectively).
Wednesday night I think there is a women's spiritual group at church so I may attend that.
Thursday night I am having dinner with a friend who is in CO from AZ where he currently lives. No not THAT guy from AZ. George is long gone thank heavens.
My friend Jeff (climbing pal basically) is planning to move to CO and is in the process of interviewing. This week he has something lined up in the area and we're hanging out on Thursday.
A mutual friend of ours has hinted she'd be happy to see us get together. While I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen (he may be a bit more alpha male than I can handle and I'm fairly certain he doesn't want children...we all know my body is bonkers for babies which won't change til I actually get prego & have a baby), some flirting may go on. That would be a nice ego boost for me right now I guess.
I am doing my best to be open to new energy & new changes (better than old changes right?!) but the thought of a romantic addition to my life doesn't feel quite right yet. I'm getting there though.
It's a new week, start of a new season so changes are afoot I am sure. It'll be fun to see what they are!
My weekend was a good one. Saturday I attended a new member meeting at a local church. In the afternoon I went to yoga, ate some dinner at Foolish Craig's and then went to a friend's birthday party.
Sunday I officially joined the church where I had attended the new member orientation on Saturday - Unitarian Universalist of Boulder. And then I gardened, went to the library, etc.
The majority of the weekend was soothing and comforting. I can feel the gentleness of spring coming in and it helps to continue my healing process. The healing process seems to be something that ricochets up, down & all around on a daily basis. Saturday I felt fantastic and ready to embrace the newness of life all around.
Sunday I missed Tx terribly and was sad I couldn't share my new church membership with him. A mutual passion for spirituality and religion was something we always shared.
So I decided to share my joy in my heart and hope he could feel it.
This week will be another busy, eventful 7 days. Tonight & tomorrow are the usual (counseling & pottery respectively).
Wednesday night I think there is a women's spiritual group at church so I may attend that.
Thursday night I am having dinner with a friend who is in CO from AZ where he currently lives. No not THAT guy from AZ. George is long gone thank heavens.
My friend Jeff (climbing pal basically) is planning to move to CO and is in the process of interviewing. This week he has something lined up in the area and we're hanging out on Thursday.
A mutual friend of ours has hinted she'd be happy to see us get together. While I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen (he may be a bit more alpha male than I can handle and I'm fairly certain he doesn't want children...we all know my body is bonkers for babies which won't change til I actually get prego & have a baby), some flirting may go on. That would be a nice ego boost for me right now I guess.
I am doing my best to be open to new energy & new changes (better than old changes right?!) but the thought of a romantic addition to my life doesn't feel quite right yet. I'm getting there though.
It's a new week, start of a new season so changes are afoot I am sure. It'll be fun to see what they are!
Monday, April 07, 2008
Self-indulgent
That's really what this blog is for me. It's just my place to rant & rave about my life. I realize I share lessons and experiences that may help others but really this blog is just self-indulgence with my name plastered all over it. ;)
And I'm ok with that. I need a place to talk about my experiences and sort things out so I improve them the next go-round. Because there's always a next go-round!
Tonight I have another counseling session. Again more self-indulgence and I enjoy it. I like that I get to talk about myself for an hour and hopefully gain some more insights into my behaviors and actions.
Anyway, on to the self-indulgent portion of the entry. My weekend was pretty good overall. I cried very little which was nice. I feel like I am healing and growing.
I'm incredibly grateful for the gift of love. For being able to love someone and for being able to accept his love in return. Hopefully he felt the same gift and is happy for the experience. And I do hope for his healing to be complete and for him to experience all the happiness there possibly is.
Friday night I went home after a long walk at Wash Park. I read a little, ate ice cream (I love Rocky Road) and went to bed.
Saturday was my usual morning of volunteering then I went to our first farmer's market of the season! Woo hoo!!! It actually kinda sucked because there was very little produce but that's to be expected this time of the year. I'm simply ecstatic that the market has opened!
After the farmer's market (and an oh-so-yummy lunch of mole corn tamales), I went to the library to work on a freelance project for Dr. Mercola.
2 hrs later I headed outside to sit by the river and watch the ducks. It was beautiful!
While there, I wrote for a bit - am working on putting together a writing class for Longmont Free University - watched the ducks some more and then went to Ideal Market to pick up some food.
Saturday night I watched Enchanted with a friend. It's such a wonderful movie! I loved it and think I will buy the DVD and the soundtrack.
Normally I avoid most movies that are musicals (I may be the only person in the world who doesn't like Sound of Music) but this one I loved.
Normally I avoid most movies that are musicals (I may be the only person in the world who doesn't like Sound of Music) but this one I loved.
Perhaps it's the princess aspect of it (what girl doesn't want to be a princess? Speaking of which I have to buy my tiara before my birthday next month...) or the fairy-tale-dreams-come-true theme or that McDreamy is in it. Or any combination thereof. Whatever the reason, I loved it. It's absolutely delightful and I highly recommend it - especially if you are hanging out with little girls.
Sunday I did next to nothing - didn't even go to church (I was putting the finishing touches on my copy for Dr. Mercola and before I knew it, it was after 10am). But it was relaxing and that was the important part.
Overall, good weekend. Hope yours was too!
Friday, April 04, 2008
Awesome
That's how the gala I attended was last night - awesome! The Colorado I Have a Dream Foundation hosted its own 20th birthday celebration last night.
CIHAD is a non-profit org that helps underprivileged and disadvantaged youth through mentoring, tutoring and financial support for post-secondary education. It's been my privilege to be a part of their mentoring services for over 1.5 years.
The highlight of the evening were guest speakers Erin Gruwell and one of her Freedom Writers, Maria Reyes. Just as a side note, Freedom Writers is a movie starring Hilary Swank. It tells of Erin's early teaching years in Long Beach, CA and the plight of her neglected and disregarded students who struggle to simply stay alive, let alone get a good education. If you haven't seen it - RUN, don't walk, RUN to your movie store and rent it. Better yet, buy it. It's worth watching a few times and definitely worth watching with others and with children.
Back to the gala...both of the young women spoke about the importance of our kids in this world and how neglected many of them are.
It was an emotional night for many of us in the audience (and you know me, I cry at the drop of a hat in most any circumstance). Their speeches were moving as were the awards given to several of the long-time IHAD students (Dreamers as we call them) and the official announcement of 2 more incoming classes (IHAD adopts a class of 4th graders from a school and they are followed through their high school years through a progression of tutoring then mentoring then financial aid for college/vocational school).
It warms my heart to be a part of something so much bigger than I am and an organization that has long-reaching and lasting effects. It's not quick fix for anyone involved: the kids are part of the program from 4th grade into college (and many are involved into their adulthood by becoming board members, etc). The tutors and mentors are asked to give a minimum of one year but most of us stay with our Dreamers for the rest of our lives. And the sponsors who "adopt" a class stay with their Dreamers from 4th grade on.
I'm so happy to be a part of that and to have contributed my time, my money and my heart. I hope to one day be able to sponsor an entire class. How wonderful - to adopt 50 kids! Right now I mentor one Dreamer and she's just a peach. I love hanging out with her and it's been a pleasure to be a part of her life over the last 1.5 years. I'm amazed...I know I'm going to turn around and she'll be graduating!
It's truly a life-changing experience to mentor someone who is growing up so differently than I did. It's a lot of fun but definitely has its challenging moments (like anything).
I know some of my friends think I'm a "good" person for volunteering and mentoring but my life only feels complete when I'm doing things for my community and for the world around me. I feel like I'm connected to something greater than my own little life and that gives me purpose.
Without purpose I feel incomplete and hollow, like I'm missing the inside of my leg. Perhaps that makes me strange but strange is fine. Weird is good as one of my teachers says. ;)
Anyway, I think the world would be a much better place if each of us just stopped for a moment out of every day and thought of something nice we could do for someone else. To find some way to contribute to a life outside of our own.
It gives me warm fuzzies anyway. :)
Enjoy your weekend. I'm heading off to Wash Park to walk for awhile and then will probably go home. I need a quiet night alone to relax after a busy week. And it has to be tonight because I have volunteering to do tomorrow along with some freelance stuff. It will be a busy weekend!
CIHAD is a non-profit org that helps underprivileged and disadvantaged youth through mentoring, tutoring and financial support for post-secondary education. It's been my privilege to be a part of their mentoring services for over 1.5 years.
The highlight of the evening were guest speakers Erin Gruwell and one of her Freedom Writers, Maria Reyes. Just as a side note, Freedom Writers is a movie starring Hilary Swank. It tells of Erin's early teaching years in Long Beach, CA and the plight of her neglected and disregarded students who struggle to simply stay alive, let alone get a good education. If you haven't seen it - RUN, don't walk, RUN to your movie store and rent it. Better yet, buy it. It's worth watching a few times and definitely worth watching with others and with children.
Back to the gala...both of the young women spoke about the importance of our kids in this world and how neglected many of them are.
It was an emotional night for many of us in the audience (and you know me, I cry at the drop of a hat in most any circumstance). Their speeches were moving as were the awards given to several of the long-time IHAD students (Dreamers as we call them) and the official announcement of 2 more incoming classes (IHAD adopts a class of 4th graders from a school and they are followed through their high school years through a progression of tutoring then mentoring then financial aid for college/vocational school).
It warms my heart to be a part of something so much bigger than I am and an organization that has long-reaching and lasting effects. It's not quick fix for anyone involved: the kids are part of the program from 4th grade into college (and many are involved into their adulthood by becoming board members, etc). The tutors and mentors are asked to give a minimum of one year but most of us stay with our Dreamers for the rest of our lives. And the sponsors who "adopt" a class stay with their Dreamers from 4th grade on.
I'm so happy to be a part of that and to have contributed my time, my money and my heart. I hope to one day be able to sponsor an entire class. How wonderful - to adopt 50 kids! Right now I mentor one Dreamer and she's just a peach. I love hanging out with her and it's been a pleasure to be a part of her life over the last 1.5 years. I'm amazed...I know I'm going to turn around and she'll be graduating!
It's truly a life-changing experience to mentor someone who is growing up so differently than I did. It's a lot of fun but definitely has its challenging moments (like anything).
I know some of my friends think I'm a "good" person for volunteering and mentoring but my life only feels complete when I'm doing things for my community and for the world around me. I feel like I'm connected to something greater than my own little life and that gives me purpose.
Without purpose I feel incomplete and hollow, like I'm missing the inside of my leg. Perhaps that makes me strange but strange is fine. Weird is good as one of my teachers says. ;)
Anyway, I think the world would be a much better place if each of us just stopped for a moment out of every day and thought of something nice we could do for someone else. To find some way to contribute to a life outside of our own.
It gives me warm fuzzies anyway. :)
Enjoy your weekend. I'm heading off to Wash Park to walk for awhile and then will probably go home. I need a quiet night alone to relax after a busy week. And it has to be tonight because I have volunteering to do tomorrow along with some freelance stuff. It will be a busy weekend!
Thursday, April 03, 2008
New furniture!
My new furniture!!! It's tough to see in these pictures but these two pieces have a light, light green shade. They are sort of in the French Country/provincial style which is my absolute favorite (minus the roosters of course).
Aren't they lovely?!!!! I smile every time I look at them.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Better
Today I feel much better, much lighter and much more at peace. Whether it was the bouquet of lilies I bought for myself, the silent meditative weekend retreat I've planned for my birthday next month or my meditation last night. Whatever it was (or any combination of those things), I feel free.
Just free to be me (yipee!), free to let my heart fill with love, peace and acceptance. I wish all the love, joy, peace and understanding for everyone I know.
Oprah's webcast with Eckhart Tolle touches on this quite a bit - the pain body.
If you're interested look at Oprah.com for the link to this week's show.
I know this particular section is especially relevant to me, I know I hold a pain body inside. There's no way to experience a childhood as I did and NOT have a pain body.
I haven't read this chapter - haven't read any actually! I've just been watching each session the week following the original airdate.
I may jump in and read this chapter or I may hold off til my weekend retreat and read the entire book.
Here's a link to the place I'll be staying, Shoshoni.
I'll post images in another entry...for some reason I can't seem to place photos wherever I want to in my post! I think you'll agree wtih my that it is a beautiful, serene place for quiet introspection and reconnection with Mother Nature.
Just free to be me (yipee!), free to let my heart fill with love, peace and acceptance. I wish all the love, joy, peace and understanding for everyone I know.
Oprah's webcast with Eckhart Tolle touches on this quite a bit - the pain body.
If you're interested look at Oprah.com for the link to this week's show.
I know this particular section is especially relevant to me, I know I hold a pain body inside. There's no way to experience a childhood as I did and NOT have a pain body.
I haven't read this chapter - haven't read any actually! I've just been watching each session the week following the original airdate.
I may jump in and read this chapter or I may hold off til my weekend retreat and read the entire book.
Here's a link to the place I'll be staying, Shoshoni.
I'll post images in another entry...for some reason I can't seem to place photos wherever I want to in my post! I think you'll agree wtih my that it is a beautiful, serene place for quiet introspection and reconnection with Mother Nature.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Lilies...
I meant I bought lilies. Why do I confuse the two so often? Don't know but here's an image of my lovely lilies. Therapy
Well I went to therapy last night at DU. Needless to say my reoccuring abandoment issues aren't something that can be cured, healed or otherwise adequately addressed in an hour. Not that I expected to fix anything in that hour...I just forgot how exhausting it can be to deal with emotional topics.
Overall it was good. I liked my therapist. For some reason I thought I'd be matched with a man but V is female. She's very nice and warm-hearted.
Today I felt better when I woke up but the day has slowly drained my heart and my body. I feel tired, lonely and depressed. I'm already sick to death with healing and I just want the F'ing pain to go away. I still feel like someone kicked me in the gut and I can barely breath.
So today I bought myself some gorgeous orchids (they are spectacular) and am looking at making some reservations at Shoshoni the weekend of my birthday next month.
Not that either of those things made much of an impact on my energy level, they didn't. But I have to take care of myself; I am always but always worth the effort, time and green energy. My heart deserves the best and that is what I give it.
Overall it was good. I liked my therapist. For some reason I thought I'd be matched with a man but V is female. She's very nice and warm-hearted.
Today I felt better when I woke up but the day has slowly drained my heart and my body. I feel tired, lonely and depressed. I'm already sick to death with healing and I just want the F'ing pain to go away. I still feel like someone kicked me in the gut and I can barely breath.
So today I bought myself some gorgeous orchids (they are spectacular) and am looking at making some reservations at Shoshoni the weekend of my birthday next month.
Not that either of those things made much of an impact on my energy level, they didn't. But I have to take care of myself; I am always but always worth the effort, time and green energy. My heart deserves the best and that is what I give it.
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