WTF

That about sums up how I feel about the last 3-4 days. WTF? WTF is going on with people? Why do so many people suck?


I suppose I can backtrack a bit and explain where all of my modified F expressions are coming from.


On Friday I was called into my boss' office (rarely a good thing - they always schedule your promotions & raises well in advance on a calendar) and was told I had had too many mistakes since January. I was told to fix them or I would be let go in 3 weeks.


Part of me was angry because this job is just sucky, part of me didn't care (which is awful, I abhor apathy) and part of me was sad. I'd rather not be fired. I'd prefer to find a better job in the next 3 weeks. It could happen I think.


My boss & I chatted for a bit and he's a good guy, he understands how negative this place is and how difficult it is to work in a job where you are only recognized when you F up. (Yes lots of F bombs in my vocab the last few days...sorry). He also heard me when I told him I have an immense amount of experience doing terrific writing assignments and handling multiple, ongoing projects. As he said, I am overqualified for what I do.


While this is true, I have repeatedly expressed interest in staying with this company and finding a better fit for me. Mainly, I'd prefer to do something I enjoy with them for awhile til I can go out on my own again, full-time. Currently my freelance isn't at that pitch but it will be in time.


So that was Friday afternoon.


I left early, went to Wash Park and had a pity party for myself. Even though I don't believe the voice in my head, it told me I was an abject failure in work, in relationships and even my health lately. Clearly my faith as well - I have struggled to believe in good things when it seems a majority of my life has fallen apart.


After a 2-hr pityfest, I got angry. Angry at myself for even allowing those thoughts into my head. I have no right to call myself a failure. I am intelligent, hard-working and I always persevere. No matter what. So that's what I told myself: I promised ME that I would succeed no matter what.


No matter if I'm fired - no matter what. No matter if no one else believes in me - no matter what. No matter if that stupid voice in my head doesn't shut up - no matter what. I will succeed.


Just the fact that I arrived at that place is a huge success compared to previous similar experiences.


Going through the experience of last Friday helped me to see I am in a similar boat as I have been several times in the past.


So when I am going to do something about? That's what I asked myself.


I decided now was as good of time as any.


I'm not quite sure what I'm doing next or where I will be but today I am making time to talk to my therapist and get a plan of action. It is up to me so it will be.


The rest of my weekend was quite good; I met some new people from my church (young adult group), did some hiking and read.


Sunday night I decided it was time to date again.


So I decided to join the web site I had belonged to prior to meeting TX. And guess who is an active member?


Oh yeah, he is.


I was shocked to say the least...that was quickly followed by anger, betrayal and hurt. It's clear he's been a member for awhile so obviously he hasn't taken the time to heal or clear up any of his old wounds. He's just biding his time by dating new women.


I understand different people grieve in different ways. Typically (from what my male friends tell me) men move on by dating again. I move on AFTER I have healed.


Regardless of his dating status, it hurt immensely that he couldn't tell me he wasn't ready for a commitment. That's obviously why he left our relationship. He can only handle superficial involvements.


I have a lot more respect for someone who can own their emotional space than someone who hides it from himself.


I only wanted him to be happy and healthy. I doubt he'll get either one of those things based on his current actions.


So he hasn't written me back and I'm not sure he will.


That isn't important. The only thing that is important right now is that I know there is someone much stronger emotionally and he is out there looking for me.


There is an incredible man who wants to love and be loved by me; a man who wants to be my partner and perhaps eventually my husband. I will only be with a man who is in that place. Everyone else can take a hike.


It was a tough thing for me to see but it made moving on much clearer and much easier...and that is a gift. It feels a bit like a hidden gift wrapped in some pain but it is a gift nonetheless.


As was my Friday chat. My gift is knowing I don't belong here and I shouldn't expand energy thinking I may find a better position within the company.


Obviously I'm not valued and it's time to find people who will love me and give me the space to share my talents and gifts with them. I know they are out there, I know that job is out there.


Now I'm asking the Universe to send it to me by whatever means necessary (Ok I'd rather it be in a safe, friendly & loving manner).


Both of my gifts will lay the foundation for future blessings and an even more abundant, beautiful life. But damn it was tough to come to that conclusion (and yes I said WTF a lot).