Catharsis

I don't know if I will actually publish this post but I've got to write to get some things out of me. They are pressing inside, filling my chest and overtaking my body. Time to purge!


Over the weekend the thought came to me that I have been so afraid in relationship crossroads (such as the one I'm currently embedded in) because I feel afraid no one will fight for me. No one will fight for me as a woman. No one will fight for my love and all the love inside of me. (There is a great fountain of love that springs forth from my heart and soul but no one has chosen to drink from that fountain..at least not for very long and not for any lasting length of time).


And why is that? Where is that fear coming from? Why do I continue to put myself in these situations? There is an unresolved pattern here and I had to be willing to dig inside and look for the gunk holding it in place.


Gunk it was. It's old, leftover beliefs from my childhood. The childhood when my birth mother never fought for me. Instead, she made several attempts to recind all parental rights to me, her child, her offspring, her blood. (By the way did you know you could do that? Legally petition the courts to give up all parental rights to a child? I could live with that fact ommitted from my consciousness).


So she didn't fight for me. My dad never really did either. Not in any way that emotionally imbued itself on my psyche. There are countless weekends I can remember when I would cry, beg, plead and scream to my father in hopes he would let me stay with him at home.


Instead I was always ushered off to be with my birth mother and her family in a foreign place, a foreign bed with foreigners who neither knew me nor cared to know or understand me.


And that happened over a period of almost 14 years. Gunk sounds like an appropriate word now after that explanation right?


So through the past 2 decades I have placed myself in relationships with men and invariably we would come to a critical juncture in our relationship whether it would be moving in together, moving somewhere together or some other life-changing point.


And as my experiences would dictate, they would choose to go off without me. Leaving me feeling alone, foreign and without a sense of any real love.


On Saturday I spoke with my friend Mary (find her here - she's fantastic!). She is an intuitive/healer/etc and she is absolutely wonderful. She brought up this very point - that I was so afraid of what was going to happen next because I could never draw on an instance in my past when anyone I loved had ever fought for me.


In all my 31 - almost 32 - years on this planet, I have never felt that anyone loved me enough to fight for me, enough to say Lara I think you are worth the effort. You are worth the ups, the downs, the challenges and the triumphs.


It explains so much.


This belief I've held explains why I've rarely been promoted in any job; why I've rarely made a relatively comfortable living; why I've chosen jobs that were ok but not fantastic in every way; why I've chosen to sidestep my dream of publishing my book; why I often get so close to the finish line and then backtrack and defeat my previous efforts; why my business didn't succeed (if you ever want to know how you really feel about money you should open your business and charge for your services. You will see VERY quickly how you view yourself)...and of course why I continued to choose men who didn't fight for me.


So after some internal debate, searching and an exercise Mary gave me, I decided it was time to fight for me. I am a beautiful woman with a heart that would fill a nation with love, peace and joy. I am worth fighting for no matter what anyone else says, I KNOW this to be true.


I choose to fight for me. I choose ME. Even if no one else ever does, I do and that is all that truly matters.


That is where peace begins.


Whatever happens with Texas in the future is fine. I love him and want to spend decades getting to know him. I do. (And if you think it's too soon to feel that way -that's ok because that is your feeling & thought. These are my feelings and my decisions).


If it's not him, there will always be at least one person fighting for my place in this world and that person is me.