Therapy

Tonight is my first night of therapy at DU. We'll see how that goes - it will be nice to have a professional sounding board. I'm so tired of talking to other people about my problems...mainly because most people prefer to blame the world around them versus taking responsibility for their lives.

I was certainly in that mindset even just a few years ago. But I've left that behind and decided it's easier if I take accountability for my results.

Anyway, my point is most people don't understand how I choose to live. And that's fine, I don't ask anyone to follow in my footsteps. I simply ask for respect for my choices and I offer the same in return.

That being said, it gets a bit lonely sometimes.

Saturday night was one of those lonely times. I spent most of the day doing my usual: volunteer work in the morning, grocery shopping and meeting with a client at a coffee shop on Pearl.

Anyway, I went home after all of my errands.

And I stayed there. I was watching movies and camped out by 6pm. It felt comfortable I guess and I finally slowed down after a hectic week.

And I just cried. I watched some movies, I cried.

I read a book, I cried.

It was just a big ole crying fest for some reason. I suppose it helped and I guess I felt better on Sunday since I didn't cry very much. But it certainly didn't change how lonely I felt.

Sunday afternoon I spent with some friends at Chuck E. Cheese and we celebrated their daughter's 5th birthday. It was so fun and I loved playing with both of their girls (who are 3 & 5). But my heart ached when I had to go home and go back to my lonely, empty house.

There was a realization I came to over the weekend. I discovered that TX was one of the few people in my life who knows/knew so much about me, about my philosophies, my beliefs and my life's vision.

He was someone I shared things with almost every day - deep, intimate, personal things.

I let him become a part of my life in many ways and I miss that. I miss sharing my day to day things with him. I miss having that person who cares, who says he cares and shows he cares.

And yes I admit I simply miss having someone to share with but if I wanted just anyone, I could find that. If I wanted someone just for physical intimacy, I could find that easily. Someone to hang out with? Sure, in a heartbeat.

But someone who gives me the space to talk about my deepest fears and my greatest passions and loves? Nope.

I've been looking for him for 8 years and this was the first man I found who gave me all of that. There have been others who have given me bits and pieces here and there but no one else has given me all he did.

But he did give and that's the important lesson to take with me. He gave and so did I. I gave in ways I have never given before and I'm so grateful for all of that!

I am, as always, so grateful for the love I have experienced. To know that I could and did give so much with only hope, respect and love in my heart is a wonderful feeling.

So that is the feeling I choose to hold on to and keep in my heart.