Let It Go

Isn't it funny how if someone gives us permission to do something, we feel comfortable doing it - more so than if it's a decision we make by ourselves?


I'm not one for doing things because other people tell me to. Definitely not. I have a stubborn streak a country mile wide and if I dig in my heels, forget it. You aren't getting anywhere with me.


But sweet talk me? Sure I'll help you. Just phrase it properly and if I like you, I'm there in a heartbeat.


Yes I can be handled.


But anyway, that isn't the point of my post.


My point is that often our hearts know exactly what to do but our heads won't let our hearts act. Too much ego and not enough purity of spirit.


I spoke with Mary last night and told her what has happened in the last week (I can barely believe it's only been 7 days - it feels like 7 months if not years). I told her about my big hang up (#2 as we discussed yesterday). And she told me to simply let go.


Just let go of that bile, that fear and that rawness.


It was all I needed to hear and it eased my heart. She is a good soul who tells me what I need to hear (although it is not always what I want to hear)!


She also went out to tell me there's someone else around and as soon as I open my heart, he will show up (she saw water - like he was a Water sign or extra sensitive, etc).


She also told me TX will come back by summer. She said I may have to choose between the two.


I realize for some that's a dream come true but that would be an uncomfortable position for me because it would mean someone would get hurt and it wouldn't be me. That is not a position I've been in very often...perhaps only once or twice in my lifetime have I had to break up with someone or let someone go from my life.


Although the one significant time I did let someone go was my birth mother. I'm not sure I ever stopped to think about whether or not that act hurt her. There's fuel for another post!


As I've said in previous posts, it's rare that I have had to break off a relationship. So I'm comfortable coping with my own pain but hurting someone else? It wrecks me. I'm so empathetic that there are times I can be in a small space with strangers (say an elevator) and I can feel their emotions.


So the intensity of being connected to another person and knowing that I hurt them could be a struggle for me.


Be that as it may, I'll cross that bridge when I get there I suppose.


I'm still taking life one day at a time. Fortunately today is a little easier, a little softer and a little lighter. I can breath better today and I can walk with greater ease & energy.


Part of the ease is Mary's advice and part of it is simply knowing this truth: love is energy (as almost everything is in our Universe) and as such, energy (love) is never created nor destroyed. It simply changes form. That's one of the laws of thermodynamics (the first perhaps?? can't recall exactly and don't feel like Googling it).


I take comfort in knowing love never ceases to exist, it simply changes. And change is good..or so sayeth Taco Bell. God knows I abhor fast food but not Toxic H*ll. It's comfort food for my soul. ;)


Anyway, my point is that I take comfort in knowing the love I have for TX is there as his love for me. It just changed as does life. And that's a good thing. Life is more interesting for that reason. I'll take interesting and I'll take life.