Revelations

Bare with me, I cut my finger today and it's affecting my typing skills so I apologize if there are typos! ;)


I've been in deep thought on something in particular during the last 24-48 hours. I've been wondering why I have or at least had a pattern of getting involved with men who would always choose to be with someone else.


Not all of my boyfriends did this. Some just left (I've never ended a serious relationship - it has always been him...there's another interesting pattern. I'm sure I'll talk about that in the future). The only men I've ever kicked to the curb have been guys I have dated for a short period of time and then decided I didn't really like.


So back to the choosing someone else thing. There have been a few serious relationships in my past who have left me for someone else (think of G, my own personal Mr. Big who left last year after being on & off for 12 years, who left because he had found the woman he was going to spend his life with and could no longer be my friend ... and then there's the guy I almost married after college who cheated...).


I'm hoping the most recent doesn't fall into this category but I was thinking if he did end things with me and eventually reconciled with his X - why would that affect me so much? Why does the thought of that make me feel so raw inside and feel like heaving my guts out? It truly is a very strong visceral reaction I have when I think about it - no exaggeration.


I'm a big believer in delving into your past if you see a pattern or if you want to change something. You can't continue to be the same person, doing the same things and feeling the same way - and then expect different results. That's a bit on the crazy side - it just doesn't work (which is why so many people don't change).


So what from my past was causing that feeling? Perhaps if I dug into the feeling and found the incident (probably numerous incidents knowing my childhood) that I associate with that feeling...maybe by discovering all of that I could begin to release it.


The one thing that came to mind was that my birth mother (there she is again) always chose to go back to "her family". She was only around me when the mood struck her and she felt like it. Basically whenever her guilt came up & bugged her enough - that's my theory.


Anyway, I wasn't sure this was the reason for my current visceral feelings & reactions because I didn't want to acknowledge that there is/was a part of me that wanted to be part of her family.


For so long I told myself I didn't want to be with her. She was (maybe still is) manipulative, narcisstic and generally f**ked up.


I even saw her be verbally and physically abusive to her other kids (just her stepkids - not her bio kids) on a few occasions.


Generally speaking, she is not a desirable mother figure. So intellectually I pushed all of my feelings of want & need for her - I pushed them away. I told myself there was no reason to ever want to be her daughter and I would've been better off if I hadn't. I've since let go of that feeling as she gave me many great gifts, the most vital being my birth!


But now I see that there was a part of me (as there is in EVERY little girl and EVERY woman) who wanted to be loved, accepted and welcomed by my birth mother.


And since she never chose me consistently, I have frequently chosen men who have done the same. I have taken this pattern from childhood into adulthood by going so far as to be friends and sometimes lovers with a man who would hop into & out of my life at his leisure. It's a very real feeling/residual affect & it was there.


On the positive side, G is long gone so I have at least broken that part of the pattern.


And thank heavens he's gone! G can stay away, truly. He is a good (albeit spiritually-lacking and misguided) man who has his own stuff and I am better off without him. Both intellectually and emotionally I know this to be true!


I don't need his acceptance or anyone else's to be the beautiful, loving, giving and incredible woman I am. I am here and sharing my gifts with the world.


If someone chooses not to receive my gifts, then they do. It is simply their choice just as some people choose vanilla over chocolate (although why anyone is crazy enough to choose anything other than chocolate is beyond me..), some people choose to be in my life and some do not.


So if anyone from my past chooses to say in my past, then they do. If they choose to grow forward with me, then there is that option too.


And that's my revelation for the day. Now I need a nap, I feel exhausted!