On familiar ground

Well if you've been waiting for an update here it is - I'm back to being single again. Just as the title says: familiar ground.


Yes you know that place I've been for the better part of the last 8 years.


So far as I can understand, Texas feels he has some leftover things to deal with from his divorce and feels he cannot give me his whole heart. And frankly I don't want a man who only gives me a little piece of the whole pie. I've had plenty of those (see Drummer boy entries).


I can't say I'm terribly surprised in all honesty. I wish I were - I wish I weren't so jaded and cynical about love. Or rather receiving love. I know I can give it but receiving it isn't something I'm familiar with.


Yeah that was a pity party right there - thanks for joining me. My apologies. It is 5:15am as I write this and I have been wide awake for over an hour. I decided to get up and write in hopes it would settle my mind and ease my heart a bit. Funny thing about heartbreak - it's much like falling in love in that you need very little sleep or food. (I cope with intense hurt by not eating very much).


But on the opposite end of the spectrum, unlike falling in love, you feel like chit and have no energy.


I see no reason at this point to do anything or feel anything other than feel what I am feeling. If I feel like eating, I'll eat. If I don't, I won't. If I feel like staying up all night, I will stay up all night. If I feel like going on dates next week, I'll go on dates next week.


At this point I'm just breathing moment by moment. And about to head out to the gym and hopefully find a coffee shop along the way.


The only thing I can certainly promise is that I am going to take this time to date myself. It may sound a bit odd but I'm going to do all of the things a lover should do for me. I'll buy myself flowers, takeout food, send myself to the spa, go to the movies, take walks in the park, hike the foothills and make myself laugh.


Although I don't feel much like laughing right now - I'm a bit more towards the crying end of the spectrum presently.