Love's Labors Lost

Once again my friend Mary was right. She said another man would pop up on the scene very quickly and that romance was all around.


Saturday night I got a text message from a guy I went out with last fall. He was part of the at one point 5-man rotation. He wanted to know if I was available. Initially I didn't even want to respond to the message, I would have preferred to deny my current heartache. Instead after finishing Becoming Jane (which is lovely by the way and made me feel like speaking in overdramatic sentences with a British lilt for an entire 24 hours), I responded I was available but am in recovery.


He is nice, funny and treats me well. I have no romantic interest in him however and I explained we could hang out again but just as friends. My heart cannot offer anything more except to myself.


And to prove that statement is true, my initial response to accepting the Airline Boy's offer was to burst into tears. I don't want to go on dates with anyone else. I want Texas ... even though my heart knows I can't be with him. Going on other dates seems to be what I have to do right now.


But what does that say to love I have in my heart for Texas? Does it lessen that love? Does it somehow taint it by resuming dating life so quickly?


Even if it is platonic, it's still technically a date I guess. And I feel guilty for it, for dating again. But I cannot stay home every weekend and ever hope to find a life partner/husband/father of my children. (I want all that in one package - not in a set of 3, just for clarification).


Is that love for Texas lost then? Is it gone for good?


How do you hold on to love after you grieve? Maybe you don't hold on to it - maybe you can't hold on to love itself but the love you feel for the person is always there.


Regardless of those answers, I'm still grieving, this I know. Today my body feels like it's twice its normal size. I feel heavy, slow and almost drunk with lethargy. And I am not drunk just as an aside. ;)


Those are just things I ponder. I know my love for him will always be there but what happens to love after the person leaves? It changes, that I know.


But could it be resumed? Could it be reignited? Or is love really a flame that is extinguished without the oxygen of our attention? Perhaps if it is a flame than the embers simply lie dormant. And if we choose to reignite it in the future we can do so with oxygen (attention) and some additional kindling (dates, romance, heartfelt honesty and talks). I think hope must be there as well.


Mary has suggested that Texas will come back but she has told me if I want to walk away, this is the time to do it.


Do I want to walk away forever? Maybe. It would be easier. But how many times have I ever walked away from something because it was too hard? Not often. It is still a consideration though.


I know she's right on the money. I have had deja vu experiences daily for the last 2 weeks which is always my internal signal that things happening currently are significant. It is my internal bell that says "pay attention to now!"


Regardless of the future, I have to grieve and heal.


There are two big hurdles for me regarding the healing:

1.) I know he is hurting because I know him well and he is beating himself up over everything. His hurt makes me hurt.


2.) The possibility of his reconciliation. If that becomes a reality I hope I never know about it. That nasty bile still rises in my throat when I think about it. That level of rejection is so deep, intense and raw I can barely co-exist with it.


So I am going to talk to Mary tonight and she'll share her wise counsel with me and help me heal a little faster. I know I can't carry around #2 longer - it's awful.


I don't like awful and I want to be rid of it. I just need a little help lassoing in my ego to do so.


As always, each moment gets better. I wish the same to you!