So yesterday was not a peak day in the history of my existence. It was overall sub-par but I am still grateful for the experience.
It seems something set off my roommate and he sent me an email detailing all the things he does that I should be grateful for.
Although he may not have intended this it did have a condescending, bitchy tone. Frankly it sounded like a high-strung hysterical woman wrote it. And I was pretty upset when I read it.
He also made a point of telling me he thinks I act like he's my boyfriend and he's NOT (his emphasis).
That part I'm not so sure where it came from ... well I'm not sure where the whole thing came from. It was a very unwelcome emotional outpouring that seemed completely unnecessary and extreme in my opinion. And I take that stance simply because he didn't take much ownership of his emotions and his responses.
He simply put it all on my lap.
While I believe we should all express ourselves I also believe we need to take actions and make changes so whatever caused the upset can be remedied in the future.
In other words I don't believe in bitching just to bitch. Vent, do something about it and get over it.
I simply responded to his email by saying I will help out more with this and this around the house, thank you for everything you do.
If I didn't have to live with him for at least 4 more months I would've said other things using very choice words. But I took the mature route. And I've decided I'm not investing much more in an emotional friendship with him. I can't open up and worry that in another month or two he's going to vent and hurt me again.
And I have absolutely NO desire to see him as anything other than a roommate.
In Other News
And that leads me to other men in my life...or a lack thereof! I spent a bit of time with the Scorpio boy last weekend. I helped him move on Saturday night and for part of Sunday.
I was glad to help because I know how crummy it is to move. And he was appreciative. He bought lunch for me and a friend on Sunday and also invited me to hang out with him after the moving. We went to a local bar and watched football.
I have to stay when he invited me along my jaw nearly hit the floor. I don't think he's ever done that and it was very sweet. I enjoyed hanging out with him. We'll see if it happens again but regardless it was a pleasant surprise.
And those are the surprises I like! :)
That's about it for now. I'll post again before the end of the year - perhaps with a top 10 highlights of the year post? That'd be fun!!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Week #4
Here we are - Week Four of The Presence Process.
I have experienced a great deal of challenges in the past week. In fact I cried during almost every meditation last week - it was exhausting and emotionally brutal on many levels.
I almost made the tough decision to stay in Colorado for Christmas. It is my first holiday without my family and it pulls at my heart.
But it was a necessary step for me. I need to stay in CO to save money and for some other reason I haven't been able to articulate. Something inside of me is saying to be here over the holidays...not sure of the reason but I am going to listen to my own inner voice. And that's a practice I am doing more and more of lately.
Sometimes I marvel at how little I heed my own desires/internal voice - and how often I do what I think other people want me to do.
I am beginning to truly understand that when we all follow our own paths, our own callings...then we can all be present in our lives and achieve an authentic life for ourselves.
I knew that on an intellectual level but I am finally feeling it inside of my body (and being the Taurus/Capricorn Earth sign that I am I have to feel something before I can truly understand it).
In other news, I have none. ;) No boys. I went out on a few dates over the last few weeks but none of them seem to be leaning towards a romantic involvement. They are all nice guys who I will be friends with but for various reasons I doubt they will become more.
One is a friend who just moved here. I think he smokes so he's out! I can tolerate a lot but that's a dealbreaker for me. ;)
The other is the drummer boy from last year. I asked for what I wanted (just some time to hang out) and I've gotten no response. So there's my answer! HA! It's all right. He's a good guy.
The other guy is also a friend who just isn't compatible in a romantic way.
Back to square one in that department which is fine. I believe in letting doors close so new ones can open. I'm looking for the new one!
I have experienced a great deal of challenges in the past week. In fact I cried during almost every meditation last week - it was exhausting and emotionally brutal on many levels.
I almost made the tough decision to stay in Colorado for Christmas. It is my first holiday without my family and it pulls at my heart.
But it was a necessary step for me. I need to stay in CO to save money and for some other reason I haven't been able to articulate. Something inside of me is saying to be here over the holidays...not sure of the reason but I am going to listen to my own inner voice. And that's a practice I am doing more and more of lately.
Sometimes I marvel at how little I heed my own desires/internal voice - and how often I do what I think other people want me to do.
I am beginning to truly understand that when we all follow our own paths, our own callings...then we can all be present in our lives and achieve an authentic life for ourselves.
I knew that on an intellectual level but I am finally feeling it inside of my body (and being the Taurus/Capricorn Earth sign that I am I have to feel something before I can truly understand it).
In other news, I have none. ;) No boys. I went out on a few dates over the last few weeks but none of them seem to be leaning towards a romantic involvement. They are all nice guys who I will be friends with but for various reasons I doubt they will become more.
One is a friend who just moved here. I think he smokes so he's out! I can tolerate a lot but that's a dealbreaker for me. ;)
The other is the drummer boy from last year. I asked for what I wanted (just some time to hang out) and I've gotten no response. So there's my answer! HA! It's all right. He's a good guy.
The other guy is also a friend who just isn't compatible in a romantic way.
Back to square one in that department which is fine. I believe in letting doors close so new ones can open. I'm looking for the new one!
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Last Fall Revisited
So during the course of November there's a certain X who has come back into my life... or at least he was I have no clue where we are at right now.
The drummer I dated briefly last fall/winter is calling again.
It started off with Facebook (because really doesn't everything happen on Facebook...) and then a series of naughty messages. Those messages led to an encounter (we revisited one of our favorite shared past times: movies of a certain kind, you fill in the blank) which led to another encounter at my house. Then there was a 3rd interaction on his kitchen counter followed by a let's hang out and have a drink and talk for awhile evening which ended on his couch again.
The really interesting thing is that each of these interludes has become more intimate in some way. I've seen more of him in the last three weeks (from an emotional standpoint) then I ever saw all of last year.
I'm not sure what to make of it, of him or of what I want from him. It's all still a bit new and at times intriguing.
And other times (like when we don't talk for a few days) it's not as intriguing.
At this point I am entertaining the option of getting to know him better on more than just a superficial level. The real trick is how to let him know I'd like to hang out without being my usual forceful and direct self. He doesn't seem to respond well to that - he's a Scorpio which is a fixed Water sign. I'm a Taurus which is a fixed Earth sign. For non-astro peeps that means neither of us likes to be told what to do or to feel like we are being given orders/directives.
I think a casual movie night might be a good "in" so I have contacted him but have had no response. We'll see what happens.
All I know for sure is that there is a reason he's back - there was something I didn't learn in the last go-round that I need to learn again and hopefully the same can be said for him. Mary () told me my lesson is to be detached from the outcome while still asking for what I want.
Bless her heart I know she's right but it feels a little easier said than done. ;)
I'll keep you updated.
The drummer I dated briefly last fall/winter is calling again.
It started off with Facebook (because really doesn't everything happen on Facebook...) and then a series of naughty messages. Those messages led to an encounter (we revisited one of our favorite shared past times: movies of a certain kind, you fill in the blank) which led to another encounter at my house. Then there was a 3rd interaction on his kitchen counter followed by a let's hang out and have a drink and talk for awhile evening which ended on his couch again.
The really interesting thing is that each of these interludes has become more intimate in some way. I've seen more of him in the last three weeks (from an emotional standpoint) then I ever saw all of last year.
I'm not sure what to make of it, of him or of what I want from him. It's all still a bit new and at times intriguing.
And other times (like when we don't talk for a few days) it's not as intriguing.
At this point I am entertaining the option of getting to know him better on more than just a superficial level. The real trick is how to let him know I'd like to hang out without being my usual forceful and direct self. He doesn't seem to respond well to that - he's a Scorpio which is a fixed Water sign. I'm a Taurus which is a fixed Earth sign. For non-astro peeps that means neither of us likes to be told what to do or to feel like we are being given orders/directives.
I think a casual movie night might be a good "in" so I have contacted him but have had no response. We'll see what happens.
All I know for sure is that there is a reason he's back - there was something I didn't learn in the last go-round that I need to learn again and hopefully the same can be said for him. Mary () told me my lesson is to be detached from the outcome while still asking for what I want.
Bless her heart I know she's right but it feels a little easier said than done. ;)
I'll keep you updated.
Chapstick Revelations
The Presence Process is an interesting experience to say the least. Today I was debating over whether or not to take my super fantastic Alba Unpetroleum chapstick (cherry of course) out of my purse and into my pocket when I had a realization.
I considered putting the chapstick into my pocket but hesitated because I was afraid I would forget it tomorrow and then be stuck with my 2nd favorite chapstick: Kiss My Face strawberry.
I realized I do the same thing with the rest of my life: I put off what I know will be enjoyment in the moment for fear I will lose or not regain that enjoyment later on.
Who would've thought chapstick would shed light on my inner workings? Fascinating.
I considered putting the chapstick into my pocket but hesitated because I was afraid I would forget it tomorrow and then be stuck with my 2nd favorite chapstick: Kiss My Face strawberry.
I realized I do the same thing with the rest of my life: I put off what I know will be enjoyment in the moment for fear I will lose or not regain that enjoyment later on.
Who would've thought chapstick would shed light on my inner workings? Fascinating.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Day 13
Well it's been 10 days since my last update. But at least I am here now! So much has happened in those 10 days...it's been a bit overwhelming to be honest.
I've cried almost every day in those 10 days and at times the tears have come from nowhere. They have all had a deep-seated center where they have stemmed from though.
Through a series of realizations (or what TPP calls "reflections") I see now that I always put others first in every situation. Rarely if ever in my life have I exercised my own voice, my own resonance and my own purpose (more on purpose later).
But when I have spoken my truth it has been liberating, joyful and incredibly powerful.
The few examples I can give you include moving to Colorado, moving to Boulder and choosing writing as my lifelong profession.
I haven't always gone into each of these situations with a full acknowledgment of my purpose and my intent - at least not a fully conscious acknowledgment - but it has always been there. And each of those decisions have been so transformative there can be little doubt that they were authentic decisions.
In essence what I am trying to say (in my somewhat blathering explanation) is that these decisions have been in line with what my heart and soul told me is my purpose.
Today I was at a coffee shop reading a book called "The Power of Purpose" and within a few short chapters I realized I have been on a quest to find my purpose. Reading the words the author shares and the stories he weaves I began to understand 2009 is going to be a powerful year for me. I am leaving my 3 day PT job to focus on copywriting on a full-time basis. I am going to teach somewhere in some capacity at least 1 day per week and I am also going to take a few weeks (or months) and travel.
My heart longs to see the world and I have denied it for far too long. I have always let money or other people be obstacles on that path. There will be no more obstacles, I am removing them and I am following my bliss.
Right now the only thing I know for sure is that my bliss involves much more writing, teaching and traveling.
No longer will I stifle my own voice, my own hopes and my own passions for anyone else. No one.
I've cried almost every day in those 10 days and at times the tears have come from nowhere. They have all had a deep-seated center where they have stemmed from though.
Through a series of realizations (or what TPP calls "reflections") I see now that I always put others first in every situation. Rarely if ever in my life have I exercised my own voice, my own resonance and my own purpose (more on purpose later).
But when I have spoken my truth it has been liberating, joyful and incredibly powerful.
The few examples I can give you include moving to Colorado, moving to Boulder and choosing writing as my lifelong profession.
I haven't always gone into each of these situations with a full acknowledgment of my purpose and my intent - at least not a fully conscious acknowledgment - but it has always been there. And each of those decisions have been so transformative there can be little doubt that they were authentic decisions.
In essence what I am trying to say (in my somewhat blathering explanation) is that these decisions have been in line with what my heart and soul told me is my purpose.
Today I was at a coffee shop reading a book called "The Power of Purpose" and within a few short chapters I realized I have been on a quest to find my purpose. Reading the words the author shares and the stories he weaves I began to understand 2009 is going to be a powerful year for me. I am leaving my 3 day PT job to focus on copywriting on a full-time basis. I am going to teach somewhere in some capacity at least 1 day per week and I am also going to take a few weeks (or months) and travel.
My heart longs to see the world and I have denied it for far too long. I have always let money or other people be obstacles on that path. There will be no more obstacles, I am removing them and I am following my bliss.
Right now the only thing I know for sure is that my bliss involves much more writing, teaching and traveling.
No longer will I stifle my own voice, my own hopes and my own passions for anyone else. No one.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Day #3
We're at Day Three. I've done my exercises every morning and night, reread what I am supposed to reread and am basically doing everything I should.
And it seems to be working. I've fluctuated between weepiness, joy, jubiliation and frustration. This should be a very fun 77 days. :|
And it seems to be working. I've fluctuated between weepiness, joy, jubiliation and frustration. This should be a very fun 77 days. :|
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
The Presence Process
So I'm reading and going through something called The Presence Process.
My roommate suggested the book and suggested we go through it together. All it consists of is reading, doing some breathwork every morning and evening followed by some processing tools (stuff to help you figure out what's going on internally).
I'm always in for a growth opportunity so I agreed to do it.
So here we are on Day 2. I notice some considerable differences after the breathing exercises - I have more energy in the morning (and if you know me you'll know that's a flippin' miracle), I feel more vibrant and the world is crisper, clearer in my vision and I feel more grounded in my body.
The only struggle so far has come up today. I have experienced feelings of sadness, loneliness and longing for a man in my life.
Now whether or not those feelings are attributable to the Presence Process or just to the back to back Cancer-Leo moon...well that I don't know.
I should explain that statement by saying that my 7th house has Leo in Mars and Cancer in Saturn. The 7th house rules relationships and when you have a sign in a planet in a house that makes the house a lot stronger. I can get deeper but you get the jist - I want a boy and I want to cuddle...that sums it up.
Anyway my plan is to update this blog with my trials and discoveries along the way through the PP. I am intrigued to see where this will go!
My roommate suggested the book and suggested we go through it together. All it consists of is reading, doing some breathwork every morning and evening followed by some processing tools (stuff to help you figure out what's going on internally).
I'm always in for a growth opportunity so I agreed to do it.
So here we are on Day 2. I notice some considerable differences after the breathing exercises - I have more energy in the morning (and if you know me you'll know that's a flippin' miracle), I feel more vibrant and the world is crisper, clearer in my vision and I feel more grounded in my body.
The only struggle so far has come up today. I have experienced feelings of sadness, loneliness and longing for a man in my life.
Now whether or not those feelings are attributable to the Presence Process or just to the back to back Cancer-Leo moon...well that I don't know.
I should explain that statement by saying that my 7th house has Leo in Mars and Cancer in Saturn. The 7th house rules relationships and when you have a sign in a planet in a house that makes the house a lot stronger. I can get deeper but you get the jist - I want a boy and I want to cuddle...that sums it up.
Anyway my plan is to update this blog with my trials and discoveries along the way through the PP. I am intrigued to see where this will go!
Sunday, November 09, 2008
A Rock and a Hard Place
Yes it's been awhile since I updated this blog and you dear reader. Well here's a quick recap: I finally found a new home, a new contract gig to pay for the new home and a new roommate. Sounds great right? Like many things it is in theory but the paper version is another story.
The home is lovely - downtown Boulder 2 bedroom condo that's reasonably quiet and has been well-maintained.
It's nice to live and commute via bus a majority of the time.
The real issue is the roommate. He's wonderful - and that's the problem. He's too wonderful and I seem to have fallen for him while he continues to date. In fact there's someone in our home right now.
I truly am in a difficult spot. He's great to be with and he's easy to live with. We get along and agree on many things and are great friends.
And if I had met him in any other setting I would've asked him out or found a way to make feelings a bit clearer. When I initially met him he said he wasn't really interested in a relationship right now so I kept my mouth shut. I thought if I brought up my attraction it wouldn't lead to anything...and I'd lose a potential roommate in the process along with a potentially great friend (which he has become).
Part of me still thinks I did the right thing but another part of me wishes I had avoided this whole uncomfortable situation.
But now I've signed a lease and it would be a challenge to get out of it. I have no idea what to do so I'll just be with this and let go of my emotional attachment...and I'll probably go on a few dates too.
The home is lovely - downtown Boulder 2 bedroom condo that's reasonably quiet and has been well-maintained.
It's nice to live and commute via bus a majority of the time.
The real issue is the roommate. He's wonderful - and that's the problem. He's too wonderful and I seem to have fallen for him while he continues to date. In fact there's someone in our home right now.
I truly am in a difficult spot. He's great to be with and he's easy to live with. We get along and agree on many things and are great friends.
And if I had met him in any other setting I would've asked him out or found a way to make feelings a bit clearer. When I initially met him he said he wasn't really interested in a relationship right now so I kept my mouth shut. I thought if I brought up my attraction it wouldn't lead to anything...and I'd lose a potential roommate in the process along with a potentially great friend (which he has become).
Part of me still thinks I did the right thing but another part of me wishes I had avoided this whole uncomfortable situation.
But now I've signed a lease and it would be a challenge to get out of it. I have no idea what to do so I'll just be with this and let go of my emotional attachment...and I'll probably go on a few dates too.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Wow
Yes it's been over a month - another round of apologies from me.
In my defense I did experience a tremendous amount of turmoil in September including a car accident, my grandfather was in the hospital, my laptop decided to stop working for awhile, my new housing situation fell through and an acquiantance of mine passed away.
It was an intense month to say the least.
October has been a bit easier but I'm still not entirely settled from all of September's uproar.
My grandfather is home and doing better. I landed a contract job that doubles my income and I'm close to finding a home for Nov. 1st.
So that's my update...not much time for more since I'm at work. My laptop still isn't totally mended so I don't have Internet access at home. :( Soon though soon!!
Be well.
In my defense I did experience a tremendous amount of turmoil in September including a car accident, my grandfather was in the hospital, my laptop decided to stop working for awhile, my new housing situation fell through and an acquiantance of mine passed away.
It was an intense month to say the least.
October has been a bit easier but I'm still not entirely settled from all of September's uproar.
My grandfather is home and doing better. I landed a contract job that doubles my income and I'm close to finding a home for Nov. 1st.
So that's my update...not much time for more since I'm at work. My laptop still isn't totally mended so I don't have Internet access at home. :( Soon though soon!!
Be well.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Riding the waves
So I was told I needed to update this blog a bit more and this person was correct; I need to update both of my blogs much more regularly. In fact I need to take these blogs to Wordpress and really make 'em snazzy.
So I'll have to set a date for that and make it happen.
In the mean time I'll update this at least once a week - my promise to you!
And to myself for that matter. :)
My post today is about riding the waves..figuratively of course as I live in land-locked Colorado. (I'll learn to surf in real life eventually).
There are definite patterns that emerge over time and my business is reflecting that. There are some weeks that are hectic and other weeks are a little slower. However as I increase my own response and my own actions, my business dealings increase in pace. The Universe definitely responds to speed and I'm seeing that in my life. It's a lot of fun. :)
Not only does my business respond but so do other areas of my life. The more active I become, the more people I meet and the fuller my social calendar becomes.
I am enjoying that immensely!
My love life hasn't been as affected at least not in the physical plane. I haven't seen any improvements there over the summer but at least I am in a place where I can and do welcome new love.
TX is long gone and I am content with that. I would prefer he stay gone and that he lives a long, healthy and abundantly joyful life without me. There is someone else out there who is an even better addition to my life and he's on his way. And for that I am grateful.
So I'll have to set a date for that and make it happen.
In the mean time I'll update this at least once a week - my promise to you!
And to myself for that matter. :)
My post today is about riding the waves..figuratively of course as I live in land-locked Colorado. (I'll learn to surf in real life eventually).
There are definite patterns that emerge over time and my business is reflecting that. There are some weeks that are hectic and other weeks are a little slower. However as I increase my own response and my own actions, my business dealings increase in pace. The Universe definitely responds to speed and I'm seeing that in my life. It's a lot of fun. :)
Not only does my business respond but so do other areas of my life. The more active I become, the more people I meet and the fuller my social calendar becomes.
I am enjoying that immensely!
My love life hasn't been as affected at least not in the physical plane. I haven't seen any improvements there over the summer but at least I am in a place where I can and do welcome new love.
TX is long gone and I am content with that. I would prefer he stay gone and that he lives a long, healthy and abundantly joyful life without me. There is someone else out there who is an even better addition to my life and he's on his way. And for that I am grateful.
Monday, September 01, 2008
Eeek! It's September!
Oh my, it's already September. Where did the summer go? I've been busy getting involved in Boulder and the Boulder community.
Recently I've taken up contact improvisation dance. It's tough to explain really but it's a form of modern dance that is done with a partner. No music, no shoes, no choreography. It's free form, liquid movement that involves counter-balancing and body weight.
Like I said, it's tough to explain so check it out on YouTube for more info.
The CI (contact improv) community in Boulder is very much a community. There is laughter, love, conflict, emotions and bonding among a group of friends. I think it's the circle I've been searching for.
One of the main reasons I moved to Boulder was to be a part of a community, to join with like-minded people who are open to development and embrace growth as a natural part, a natural evolution of life.
Dancing with the Boulder CI group has been a lot of fun.
Every dance feels like an amazingly, freeing moment of my life - an opportunity to leave behind the constraints of everyday life, the precursors of living in modern society and the blatant labels we all find ourselves existing under (sometimes without consciously choosing those labels).
I guess that's a long-winded way of saying I dig CI. :)
The rest of my summer has been fun but I haven't camped or hiked as much as I had hoped. *sigh* Nor have I traveled at all which is a huge *SIGH*.
I don't have much other news. I had been dating someone but it was very casual and we were both clear it wasn't going to develop into anything serious. There is someone I am interested in but he seems to be in a relationship. He is quite impressive so he's well worth keeping an eye on in case he's single again. :)
So that was another long-winded way of saying I am not dating anyone right now but have finally reached a point where I am open and ready for an amazingly, fantastically wonderful man to come along. I'm ready to get back into an incredible relationship that helps both of us grow more, love more and become more.
And it would be nice if he were creative, well-off financially, sweet and very handsome. :)
Recently I've taken up contact improvisation dance. It's tough to explain really but it's a form of modern dance that is done with a partner. No music, no shoes, no choreography. It's free form, liquid movement that involves counter-balancing and body weight.
Like I said, it's tough to explain so check it out on YouTube for more info.
The CI (contact improv) community in Boulder is very much a community. There is laughter, love, conflict, emotions and bonding among a group of friends. I think it's the circle I've been searching for.
One of the main reasons I moved to Boulder was to be a part of a community, to join with like-minded people who are open to development and embrace growth as a natural part, a natural evolution of life.
Dancing with the Boulder CI group has been a lot of fun.
Every dance feels like an amazingly, freeing moment of my life - an opportunity to leave behind the constraints of everyday life, the precursors of living in modern society and the blatant labels we all find ourselves existing under (sometimes without consciously choosing those labels).
I guess that's a long-winded way of saying I dig CI. :)
The rest of my summer has been fun but I haven't camped or hiked as much as I had hoped. *sigh* Nor have I traveled at all which is a huge *SIGH*.
I don't have much other news. I had been dating someone but it was very casual and we were both clear it wasn't going to develop into anything serious. There is someone I am interested in but he seems to be in a relationship. He is quite impressive so he's well worth keeping an eye on in case he's single again. :)
So that was another long-winded way of saying I am not dating anyone right now but have finally reached a point where I am open and ready for an amazingly, fantastically wonderful man to come along. I'm ready to get back into an incredible relationship that helps both of us grow more, love more and become more.
And it would be nice if he were creative, well-off financially, sweet and very handsome. :)
Friday, July 25, 2008
A Beautiful Man with a Beautiful Heart
By now almost everyone in the online world has watched the "Last Lecture" and has come to know Randy Pausch, the professor giving that famous speech.
He died today.
His words touched me and I feel blessed to have been privvy to his life. We're all a little better off having known a part of him.
CNN.com has greater details about his life, love and lessons. His video is below
He died today.
His words touched me and I feel blessed to have been privvy to his life. We're all a little better off having known a part of him.
CNN.com has greater details about his life, love and lessons. His video is below
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Success!
Ok a quick update:
The James Ray event was a SMASHING success. We had over 450 people in attendance. Do I kick ass or what?!!
And other news: I'm working on additional freelance gigs & clients. Something's gotta break soon, I can feel it.
So there's your quick update! I said it'd be quick. ;)
The James Ray event was a SMASHING success. We had over 450 people in attendance. Do I kick ass or what?!!
And other news: I'm working on additional freelance gigs & clients. Something's gotta break soon, I can feel it.
So there's your quick update! I said it'd be quick. ;)
Monday, June 23, 2008
Been awhile
So I haven't written with an update in awhile. Whenever I go away for awhile and then return, my return is prompted by a downturn in my life or some sort of "negative" experience.
I told you I was the main promoter for James Ray's visit to Boulder on July 9th (www.AchieveMoreToday.com).
I still am promoting his visit however we've only had 95 people sign. 95. We need more like several hundred to make it worth James' effort. I've done quite a lot to promote the night - taken out advertising in Nexus, contacted multiple LOA and metaphysical-type groups, put up flyers around Boulder & Longmont, listed the event on any community calendar I could find and contacted 2 local radio stations.
For whatever reason it isn't amounting to as much as I would like.
And now I'm beginning to feel like I'm letting people down by not making this event a success. I have one last group to contact: local realtors and I feel a little intimdated cold-calling them but I have no other choice at this point. Either I do it or we don't have an event. It's that simple.
So I'll suck it up, swallow my fear and go for it.
I know how much I'll beat myself up if this doesn't happen so I have to do it.
In other news, the new PT gig is good. I'm learning a lot and it's usually fun. I'm also getting plenty of writing time crafting articles and learning about submitting articles on the web to promote a product/service. It's fun.
I also bought a new bike - a Trek 7.2 hybrid. It rocks. It's not the Hello Kitty pink cruiser with streamers and a flower decorated-basket like I wanted but my bike is fast and strong. It sure cost enough though...I've dropped almost $600 on the bike & accessories. *sigh*
No other news - no boys, no dating. Memorial Day boy never called and I shouldn't be surprised since I still miss TX. I'd kick TX in the shins if I could, I hate missing him. But much like a snake sheds it's skin, I am letting go. That is how it has felt - like shedding a layer of skin. I've had to peel him off of me and out of my system.
So all in all things are great I guess - even if I don't completely feel that way right now. :\
I told you I was the main promoter for James Ray's visit to Boulder on July 9th (www.AchieveMoreToday.com).
I still am promoting his visit however we've only had 95 people sign. 95. We need more like several hundred to make it worth James' effort. I've done quite a lot to promote the night - taken out advertising in Nexus, contacted multiple LOA and metaphysical-type groups, put up flyers around Boulder & Longmont, listed the event on any community calendar I could find and contacted 2 local radio stations.
For whatever reason it isn't amounting to as much as I would like.
And now I'm beginning to feel like I'm letting people down by not making this event a success. I have one last group to contact: local realtors and I feel a little intimdated cold-calling them but I have no other choice at this point. Either I do it or we don't have an event. It's that simple.
So I'll suck it up, swallow my fear and go for it.
I know how much I'll beat myself up if this doesn't happen so I have to do it.
In other news, the new PT gig is good. I'm learning a lot and it's usually fun. I'm also getting plenty of writing time crafting articles and learning about submitting articles on the web to promote a product/service. It's fun.
I also bought a new bike - a Trek 7.2 hybrid. It rocks. It's not the Hello Kitty pink cruiser with streamers and a flower decorated-basket like I wanted but my bike is fast and strong. It sure cost enough though...I've dropped almost $600 on the bike & accessories. *sigh*
No other news - no boys, no dating. Memorial Day boy never called and I shouldn't be surprised since I still miss TX. I'd kick TX in the shins if I could, I hate missing him. But much like a snake sheds it's skin, I am letting go. That is how it has felt - like shedding a layer of skin. I've had to peel him off of me and out of my system.
So all in all things are great I guess - even if I don't completely feel that way right now. :\
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
It's Pouring
Yes when it rains men, they come in downpours them in my life. Maybe not quite torrential downpours but a pretty heavy stream nonetheless.
I'm a woman and I happen to like men...just hanging out with them feels different than hanging out with my female friends. Neither is better, I like both but sometimes I feel the need for male companionship.
I had decided I wanted to date again and preferably meet a man the old-fashioned way: in person. An organic sort of thing you know? Online gets old after awhile. But since after setting that desire, no men turned up I decided to see if I could find someone to hang with over the holiday weekend.
So I set up 2 dates with 2 different men...one for Saturday and one for Sunday.
And so the dates transpired. On Saturday I went to the Boulder Creek Festival and hung out for a few hours.
Sunday we went to the Walnut Cafe and then walked in the park near my house.
Both are very nice gentlemen but I didn't feel an attraction to either. Still we had a good time and enjoyed each other's company. It was fun to be out & about with a man. :)
Well remember how I said I wanted to meet a man the organic way? Well I did.
A few of my friends were getting together on Monday to go to the festival (same one I went to on Saturday). Along the way, we picked up a few others and I had an attraction to one of them.
As the day went on he & I chatted some and eventually wandered off by ourselves. We spent some time checking out the booths. Here's the part that I find so funny - most of those booths we went to were set up fore ORGANIC food products. Doesn't that make you giggle? What a funny, funny little Universe we have! She has a sense of humor all right.
Anyway, I found that tidbit amusing.
After the festival we hung out in his hot tub at his townhouse and chatted, etc. It was fun and hopefully we'll do it again. He's very much a smart *ss which I like and is well-traveled and articulate. And he's a Midwestern boy so he's probably as nice as he seem. ;)
He asked for my phone number so hopefully he will call. You'll be updated when he does of course.
I'm a woman and I happen to like men...just hanging out with them feels different than hanging out with my female friends. Neither is better, I like both but sometimes I feel the need for male companionship.
I had decided I wanted to date again and preferably meet a man the old-fashioned way: in person. An organic sort of thing you know? Online gets old after awhile. But since after setting that desire, no men turned up I decided to see if I could find someone to hang with over the holiday weekend.
So I set up 2 dates with 2 different men...one for Saturday and one for Sunday.
And so the dates transpired. On Saturday I went to the Boulder Creek Festival and hung out for a few hours.
Sunday we went to the Walnut Cafe and then walked in the park near my house.
Both are very nice gentlemen but I didn't feel an attraction to either. Still we had a good time and enjoyed each other's company. It was fun to be out & about with a man. :)
Well remember how I said I wanted to meet a man the organic way? Well I did.
A few of my friends were getting together on Monday to go to the festival (same one I went to on Saturday). Along the way, we picked up a few others and I had an attraction to one of them.
As the day went on he & I chatted some and eventually wandered off by ourselves. We spent some time checking out the booths. Here's the part that I find so funny - most of those booths we went to were set up fore ORGANIC food products. Doesn't that make you giggle? What a funny, funny little Universe we have! She has a sense of humor all right.
Anyway, I found that tidbit amusing.
After the festival we hung out in his hot tub at his townhouse and chatted, etc. It was fun and hopefully we'll do it again. He's very much a smart *ss which I like and is well-traveled and articulate. And he's a Midwestern boy so he's probably as nice as he seem. ;)
He asked for my phone number so hopefully he will call. You'll be updated when he does of course.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Sick+Birthdays = Bad
The only thing worse than being sick is being sick on your birthday. Thankfully I've just been sick this week and not on my actual birthday (which is coming up - Saturday the 17th). Still feeling this crummy is not fun.
I came down with the flu on Tuesday. It all began with a tickle in my throat on Monday afternoon and within 24 hours, I had a minor fever, chills, an achy body and a very sore throat. After fighting it for 1/2 the day on Tuesday, I left work and crawled into bed where I basically camped out for the next 1.5 days. It was the suck.
I had no appetite (still don't really), was chilled (while still sweating enough to wet my clothes) and ached all over.
But the worst has seemed to pass and today I only have a cough and a slightly stuffy head. Still no appetite which is awful. I LOVE food.
But enough complaining. My birthday is around the corner (2 days!!) and I am certain my 32nd year on this planet is going to be even better than the previous 31 (which were pretty good years by all accounts).
And to kick off the celebration, I'm giving my 2 week notice today. My verbal offer finally became a written offer and I'm leaving TSA. As of May 29th, I will no longer be in my current role. I will be venturing into new unchartered territory. Well ok only loosely charted territory because I have been self-employed before but this time I'm working my way back to that status with greater ease & elegance.
So off I go on another adventure. :) Wish me luck - this will be fun!
I came down with the flu on Tuesday. It all began with a tickle in my throat on Monday afternoon and within 24 hours, I had a minor fever, chills, an achy body and a very sore throat. After fighting it for 1/2 the day on Tuesday, I left work and crawled into bed where I basically camped out for the next 1.5 days. It was the suck.
I had no appetite (still don't really), was chilled (while still sweating enough to wet my clothes) and ached all over.
But the worst has seemed to pass and today I only have a cough and a slightly stuffy head. Still no appetite which is awful. I LOVE food.
But enough complaining. My birthday is around the corner (2 days!!) and I am certain my 32nd year on this planet is going to be even better than the previous 31 (which were pretty good years by all accounts).
And to kick off the celebration, I'm giving my 2 week notice today. My verbal offer finally became a written offer and I'm leaving TSA. As of May 29th, I will no longer be in my current role. I will be venturing into new unchartered territory. Well ok only loosely charted territory because I have been self-employed before but this time I'm working my way back to that status with greater ease & elegance.
So off I go on another adventure. :) Wish me luck - this will be fun!
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
The Pendulum Swings Backward
Remember how last week was such a roller coaster ride? How it was full of incredible lows followed by remarkable highs?
Well this week has been the opposite. It's been very anti-climactic.
And that's good. It means the pendulum has swung back and has evened things out.
There is a natural rhythm and flow to life. When we let go of our current perspective and can step outside of our daily activities, we can see that flow. The ebb & flow of our life is there just as it is for the tide, the sun & the moon.
But since my ego is here and chattering away inside my head, I know this ebb part of the process doesn't mean stop - it means do the little things I see in front of me. As I do those things, the momentum increases again and that ebb will eventually become a flow.
After which, the process will continue again. Life is a fascinating experience.
Well this week has been the opposite. It's been very anti-climactic.
And that's good. It means the pendulum has swung back and has evened things out.
There is a natural rhythm and flow to life. When we let go of our current perspective and can step outside of our daily activities, we can see that flow. The ebb & flow of our life is there just as it is for the tide, the sun & the moon.
But since my ego is here and chattering away inside my head, I know this ebb part of the process doesn't mean stop - it means do the little things I see in front of me. As I do those things, the momentum increases again and that ebb will eventually become a flow.
After which, the process will continue again. Life is a fascinating experience.
Monday, May 05, 2008
Weekend Update
Yes it's a weekend update but I'm pretty sure it won't be as funny as the SNL skit. ;) It'll just be uplifting and positive.
As I mentioned last week, I had a meeting on Friday with an interactive media agency in Boulder. The meeting was super fun, I love their offices, the location & the people. And they made me a verbal offer on the spot!
How flippin' cool is that?
How cool am I for getting that?!!! I rock.
I'm pretty pleased with myself - all I have to do now is talk with the owner and secure pay & a starting date. This is the first step towards my 3 year plan. (I'm still working on the 15 year, 10 year and 5 year plans).
The rest of my weekend was good - some yoga, reading, volunteering, etc.
I did go out to the movies on Saturday night with a guy. He was nice but didn't pay for my ticket. In my opinion, it's not a date if he doesn't pay. And it usually means I won't go out with him again. He's nice so perhaps we'll have a beer sometime but nothing romantic. I'm ok with just having fun right now and letting things unfold in due course. There's a wonderful man out there for me and he'll come along at the right time.
Til then and even after he arrives, I'm just going to enjoy every moment of my life and be grateful!
As I mentioned last week, I had a meeting on Friday with an interactive media agency in Boulder. The meeting was super fun, I love their offices, the location & the people. And they made me a verbal offer on the spot!
How flippin' cool is that?
How cool am I for getting that?!!! I rock.
I'm pretty pleased with myself - all I have to do now is talk with the owner and secure pay & a starting date. This is the first step towards my 3 year plan. (I'm still working on the 15 year, 10 year and 5 year plans).
The rest of my weekend was good - some yoga, reading, volunteering, etc.
I did go out to the movies on Saturday night with a guy. He was nice but didn't pay for my ticket. In my opinion, it's not a date if he doesn't pay. And it usually means I won't go out with him again. He's nice so perhaps we'll have a beer sometime but nothing romantic. I'm ok with just having fun right now and letting things unfold in due course. There's a wonderful man out there for me and he'll come along at the right time.
Til then and even after he arrives, I'm just going to enjoy every moment of my life and be grateful!
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Rollercoaster ride
What a week it has been already. I told you briefly about TX. We did email & he explained to me he's keeping in touch with people he met on that site. He said he is not dating and he is sorry he hurt me, very sorry.
So at least that was easier to hear than to hear he's dating again.
It opened an old wound to talk to him but I feel a bit better now that we've discussed the situation. It still means I have a ways to go before I'm comfortable with him dating anyone else. And I have to get there, eventually.
But today is not that day and that's ok.
And I told you about the Friday mtg. Yesterday I began looking & applying for part-time work (admin type stuff) in Boulder. I was really looking for a marketing firm or similar to work for - preferably upwards of 30 hours a week. I knew if I found that type of position, I could find clients and work to fill the rest of my week (promoting my classes for example).
Today I applied for a job, explained I was transitioning to part-time for the next few years. I gave them my resume and said if they were interested in a long-term PT person, I'd love to meet with them.
They contacted me a few hours later and we set up a meeting for Friday morning (when I will be calling into work, conveniently enough).
Later today, the person I'm meeting with emailed to say he had passed along my resume to his boss who was in need of a copywriter, an emergency project (aren't they all??). I said sign me up!
Well I didn't say that exactly but I told him I was definitely interested in talking with his boss.
So the boss called, we talked, there will be emails exchanged and a project will probably come into my lap.
Woo woo for me!!!!
I'm constantly amazed at how well things work out when you simply have faith. I prayed to my angels last night to help me stay open to opportunities and allow more money, more writing and more fun into my life. And look what happened? You may think it's a coincidence and that's your opinion.
I on the other hand believe I decided what I wanted, opened it up (believed and felt I deserved it) and let it happen however it naturally showed up on my doorstep.
And here it is. Already!
What a week. I feel the need to celebrate somehow!
So at least that was easier to hear than to hear he's dating again.
It opened an old wound to talk to him but I feel a bit better now that we've discussed the situation. It still means I have a ways to go before I'm comfortable with him dating anyone else. And I have to get there, eventually.
But today is not that day and that's ok.
And I told you about the Friday mtg. Yesterday I began looking & applying for part-time work (admin type stuff) in Boulder. I was really looking for a marketing firm or similar to work for - preferably upwards of 30 hours a week. I knew if I found that type of position, I could find clients and work to fill the rest of my week (promoting my classes for example).
Today I applied for a job, explained I was transitioning to part-time for the next few years. I gave them my resume and said if they were interested in a long-term PT person, I'd love to meet with them.
They contacted me a few hours later and we set up a meeting for Friday morning (when I will be calling into work, conveniently enough).
Later today, the person I'm meeting with emailed to say he had passed along my resume to his boss who was in need of a copywriter, an emergency project (aren't they all??). I said sign me up!
Well I didn't say that exactly but I told him I was definitely interested in talking with his boss.
So the boss called, we talked, there will be emails exchanged and a project will probably come into my lap.
Woo woo for me!!!!
I'm constantly amazed at how well things work out when you simply have faith. I prayed to my angels last night to help me stay open to opportunities and allow more money, more writing and more fun into my life. And look what happened? You may think it's a coincidence and that's your opinion.
I on the other hand believe I decided what I wanted, opened it up (believed and felt I deserved it) and let it happen however it naturally showed up on my doorstep.
And here it is. Already!
What a week. I feel the need to celebrate somehow!
Monday, April 28, 2008
WTF
That about sums up how I feel about the last 3-4 days. WTF? WTF is going on with people? Why do so many people suck?
I suppose I can backtrack a bit and explain where all of my modified F expressions are coming from.
On Friday I was called into my boss' office (rarely a good thing - they always schedule your promotions & raises well in advance on a calendar) and was told I had had too many mistakes since January. I was told to fix them or I would be let go in 3 weeks.
Part of me was angry because this job is just sucky, part of me didn't care (which is awful, I abhor apathy) and part of me was sad. I'd rather not be fired. I'd prefer to find a better job in the next 3 weeks. It could happen I think.
My boss & I chatted for a bit and he's a good guy, he understands how negative this place is and how difficult it is to work in a job where you are only recognized when you F up. (Yes lots of F bombs in my vocab the last few days...sorry). He also heard me when I told him I have an immense amount of experience doing terrific writing assignments and handling multiple, ongoing projects. As he said, I am overqualified for what I do.
While this is true, I have repeatedly expressed interest in staying with this company and finding a better fit for me. Mainly, I'd prefer to do something I enjoy with them for awhile til I can go out on my own again, full-time. Currently my freelance isn't at that pitch but it will be in time.
So that was Friday afternoon.
I left early, went to Wash Park and had a pity party for myself. Even though I don't believe the voice in my head, it told me I was an abject failure in work, in relationships and even my health lately. Clearly my faith as well - I have struggled to believe in good things when it seems a majority of my life has fallen apart.
After a 2-hr pityfest, I got angry. Angry at myself for even allowing those thoughts into my head. I have no right to call myself a failure. I am intelligent, hard-working and I always persevere. No matter what. So that's what I told myself: I promised ME that I would succeed no matter what.
No matter if I'm fired - no matter what. No matter if no one else believes in me - no matter what. No matter if that stupid voice in my head doesn't shut up - no matter what. I will succeed.
Just the fact that I arrived at that place is a huge success compared to previous similar experiences.
Going through the experience of last Friday helped me to see I am in a similar boat as I have been several times in the past.
So when I am going to do something about? That's what I asked myself.
I decided now was as good of time as any.
I'm not quite sure what I'm doing next or where I will be but today I am making time to talk to my therapist and get a plan of action. It is up to me so it will be.
The rest of my weekend was quite good; I met some new people from my church (young adult group), did some hiking and read.
Sunday night I decided it was time to date again.
So I decided to join the web site I had belonged to prior to meeting TX. And guess who is an active member?
Oh yeah, he is.
I was shocked to say the least...that was quickly followed by anger, betrayal and hurt. It's clear he's been a member for awhile so obviously he hasn't taken the time to heal or clear up any of his old wounds. He's just biding his time by dating new women.
I understand different people grieve in different ways. Typically (from what my male friends tell me) men move on by dating again. I move on AFTER I have healed.
Regardless of his dating status, it hurt immensely that he couldn't tell me he wasn't ready for a commitment. That's obviously why he left our relationship. He can only handle superficial involvements.
I have a lot more respect for someone who can own their emotional space than someone who hides it from himself.
I only wanted him to be happy and healthy. I doubt he'll get either one of those things based on his current actions.
So he hasn't written me back and I'm not sure he will.
That isn't important. The only thing that is important right now is that I know there is someone much stronger emotionally and he is out there looking for me.
There is an incredible man who wants to love and be loved by me; a man who wants to be my partner and perhaps eventually my husband. I will only be with a man who is in that place. Everyone else can take a hike.
It was a tough thing for me to see but it made moving on much clearer and much easier...and that is a gift. It feels a bit like a hidden gift wrapped in some pain but it is a gift nonetheless.
As was my Friday chat. My gift is knowing I don't belong here and I shouldn't expand energy thinking I may find a better position within the company.
Obviously I'm not valued and it's time to find people who will love me and give me the space to share my talents and gifts with them. I know they are out there, I know that job is out there.
Now I'm asking the Universe to send it to me by whatever means necessary (Ok I'd rather it be in a safe, friendly & loving manner).
Both of my gifts will lay the foundation for future blessings and an even more abundant, beautiful life. But damn it was tough to come to that conclusion (and yes I said WTF a lot).
I suppose I can backtrack a bit and explain where all of my modified F expressions are coming from.
On Friday I was called into my boss' office (rarely a good thing - they always schedule your promotions & raises well in advance on a calendar) and was told I had had too many mistakes since January. I was told to fix them or I would be let go in 3 weeks.
Part of me was angry because this job is just sucky, part of me didn't care (which is awful, I abhor apathy) and part of me was sad. I'd rather not be fired. I'd prefer to find a better job in the next 3 weeks. It could happen I think.
My boss & I chatted for a bit and he's a good guy, he understands how negative this place is and how difficult it is to work in a job where you are only recognized when you F up. (Yes lots of F bombs in my vocab the last few days...sorry). He also heard me when I told him I have an immense amount of experience doing terrific writing assignments and handling multiple, ongoing projects. As he said, I am overqualified for what I do.
While this is true, I have repeatedly expressed interest in staying with this company and finding a better fit for me. Mainly, I'd prefer to do something I enjoy with them for awhile til I can go out on my own again, full-time. Currently my freelance isn't at that pitch but it will be in time.
So that was Friday afternoon.
I left early, went to Wash Park and had a pity party for myself. Even though I don't believe the voice in my head, it told me I was an abject failure in work, in relationships and even my health lately. Clearly my faith as well - I have struggled to believe in good things when it seems a majority of my life has fallen apart.
After a 2-hr pityfest, I got angry. Angry at myself for even allowing those thoughts into my head. I have no right to call myself a failure. I am intelligent, hard-working and I always persevere. No matter what. So that's what I told myself: I promised ME that I would succeed no matter what.
No matter if I'm fired - no matter what. No matter if no one else believes in me - no matter what. No matter if that stupid voice in my head doesn't shut up - no matter what. I will succeed.
Just the fact that I arrived at that place is a huge success compared to previous similar experiences.
Going through the experience of last Friday helped me to see I am in a similar boat as I have been several times in the past.
So when I am going to do something about? That's what I asked myself.
I decided now was as good of time as any.
I'm not quite sure what I'm doing next or where I will be but today I am making time to talk to my therapist and get a plan of action. It is up to me so it will be.
The rest of my weekend was quite good; I met some new people from my church (young adult group), did some hiking and read.
Sunday night I decided it was time to date again.
So I decided to join the web site I had belonged to prior to meeting TX. And guess who is an active member?
Oh yeah, he is.
I was shocked to say the least...that was quickly followed by anger, betrayal and hurt. It's clear he's been a member for awhile so obviously he hasn't taken the time to heal or clear up any of his old wounds. He's just biding his time by dating new women.
I understand different people grieve in different ways. Typically (from what my male friends tell me) men move on by dating again. I move on AFTER I have healed.
Regardless of his dating status, it hurt immensely that he couldn't tell me he wasn't ready for a commitment. That's obviously why he left our relationship. He can only handle superficial involvements.
I have a lot more respect for someone who can own their emotional space than someone who hides it from himself.
I only wanted him to be happy and healthy. I doubt he'll get either one of those things based on his current actions.
So he hasn't written me back and I'm not sure he will.
That isn't important. The only thing that is important right now is that I know there is someone much stronger emotionally and he is out there looking for me.
There is an incredible man who wants to love and be loved by me; a man who wants to be my partner and perhaps eventually my husband. I will only be with a man who is in that place. Everyone else can take a hike.
It was a tough thing for me to see but it made moving on much clearer and much easier...and that is a gift. It feels a bit like a hidden gift wrapped in some pain but it is a gift nonetheless.
As was my Friday chat. My gift is knowing I don't belong here and I shouldn't expand energy thinking I may find a better position within the company.
Obviously I'm not valued and it's time to find people who will love me and give me the space to share my talents and gifts with them. I know they are out there, I know that job is out there.
Now I'm asking the Universe to send it to me by whatever means necessary (Ok I'd rather it be in a safe, friendly & loving manner).
Both of my gifts will lay the foundation for future blessings and an even more abundant, beautiful life. But damn it was tough to come to that conclusion (and yes I said WTF a lot).
Monday, April 21, 2008
A new week
It is a lovely spring day in Colorado today. The birds were chirping went I left this morning (notice how they chirp even on Mondays...we can all be that blissful if we choose) and it's the start of a new season.
My weekend was a good one. Saturday I attended a new member meeting at a local church. In the afternoon I went to yoga, ate some dinner at Foolish Craig's and then went to a friend's birthday party.
Sunday I officially joined the church where I had attended the new member orientation on Saturday - Unitarian Universalist of Boulder. And then I gardened, went to the library, etc.
The majority of the weekend was soothing and comforting. I can feel the gentleness of spring coming in and it helps to continue my healing process. The healing process seems to be something that ricochets up, down & all around on a daily basis. Saturday I felt fantastic and ready to embrace the newness of life all around.
Sunday I missed Tx terribly and was sad I couldn't share my new church membership with him. A mutual passion for spirituality and religion was something we always shared.
So I decided to share my joy in my heart and hope he could feel it.
This week will be another busy, eventful 7 days. Tonight & tomorrow are the usual (counseling & pottery respectively).
Wednesday night I think there is a women's spiritual group at church so I may attend that.
Thursday night I am having dinner with a friend who is in CO from AZ where he currently lives. No not THAT guy from AZ. George is long gone thank heavens.
My friend Jeff (climbing pal basically) is planning to move to CO and is in the process of interviewing. This week he has something lined up in the area and we're hanging out on Thursday.
A mutual friend of ours has hinted she'd be happy to see us get together. While I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen (he may be a bit more alpha male than I can handle and I'm fairly certain he doesn't want children...we all know my body is bonkers for babies which won't change til I actually get prego & have a baby), some flirting may go on. That would be a nice ego boost for me right now I guess.
I am doing my best to be open to new energy & new changes (better than old changes right?!) but the thought of a romantic addition to my life doesn't feel quite right yet. I'm getting there though.
It's a new week, start of a new season so changes are afoot I am sure. It'll be fun to see what they are!
My weekend was a good one. Saturday I attended a new member meeting at a local church. In the afternoon I went to yoga, ate some dinner at Foolish Craig's and then went to a friend's birthday party.
Sunday I officially joined the church where I had attended the new member orientation on Saturday - Unitarian Universalist of Boulder. And then I gardened, went to the library, etc.
The majority of the weekend was soothing and comforting. I can feel the gentleness of spring coming in and it helps to continue my healing process. The healing process seems to be something that ricochets up, down & all around on a daily basis. Saturday I felt fantastic and ready to embrace the newness of life all around.
Sunday I missed Tx terribly and was sad I couldn't share my new church membership with him. A mutual passion for spirituality and religion was something we always shared.
So I decided to share my joy in my heart and hope he could feel it.
This week will be another busy, eventful 7 days. Tonight & tomorrow are the usual (counseling & pottery respectively).
Wednesday night I think there is a women's spiritual group at church so I may attend that.
Thursday night I am having dinner with a friend who is in CO from AZ where he currently lives. No not THAT guy from AZ. George is long gone thank heavens.
My friend Jeff (climbing pal basically) is planning to move to CO and is in the process of interviewing. This week he has something lined up in the area and we're hanging out on Thursday.
A mutual friend of ours has hinted she'd be happy to see us get together. While I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen (he may be a bit more alpha male than I can handle and I'm fairly certain he doesn't want children...we all know my body is bonkers for babies which won't change til I actually get prego & have a baby), some flirting may go on. That would be a nice ego boost for me right now I guess.
I am doing my best to be open to new energy & new changes (better than old changes right?!) but the thought of a romantic addition to my life doesn't feel quite right yet. I'm getting there though.
It's a new week, start of a new season so changes are afoot I am sure. It'll be fun to see what they are!
Monday, April 07, 2008
Self-indulgent
That's really what this blog is for me. It's just my place to rant & rave about my life. I realize I share lessons and experiences that may help others but really this blog is just self-indulgence with my name plastered all over it. ;)
And I'm ok with that. I need a place to talk about my experiences and sort things out so I improve them the next go-round. Because there's always a next go-round!
Tonight I have another counseling session. Again more self-indulgence and I enjoy it. I like that I get to talk about myself for an hour and hopefully gain some more insights into my behaviors and actions.
Anyway, on to the self-indulgent portion of the entry. My weekend was pretty good overall. I cried very little which was nice. I feel like I am healing and growing.
I'm incredibly grateful for the gift of love. For being able to love someone and for being able to accept his love in return. Hopefully he felt the same gift and is happy for the experience. And I do hope for his healing to be complete and for him to experience all the happiness there possibly is.
Friday night I went home after a long walk at Wash Park. I read a little, ate ice cream (I love Rocky Road) and went to bed.
Saturday was my usual morning of volunteering then I went to our first farmer's market of the season! Woo hoo!!! It actually kinda sucked because there was very little produce but that's to be expected this time of the year. I'm simply ecstatic that the market has opened!
After the farmer's market (and an oh-so-yummy lunch of mole corn tamales), I went to the library to work on a freelance project for Dr. Mercola.
2 hrs later I headed outside to sit by the river and watch the ducks. It was beautiful!
While there, I wrote for a bit - am working on putting together a writing class for Longmont Free University - watched the ducks some more and then went to Ideal Market to pick up some food.
Saturday night I watched Enchanted with a friend. It's such a wonderful movie! I loved it and think I will buy the DVD and the soundtrack.
Normally I avoid most movies that are musicals (I may be the only person in the world who doesn't like Sound of Music) but this one I loved.
Normally I avoid most movies that are musicals (I may be the only person in the world who doesn't like Sound of Music) but this one I loved.
Perhaps it's the princess aspect of it (what girl doesn't want to be a princess? Speaking of which I have to buy my tiara before my birthday next month...) or the fairy-tale-dreams-come-true theme or that McDreamy is in it. Or any combination thereof. Whatever the reason, I loved it. It's absolutely delightful and I highly recommend it - especially if you are hanging out with little girls.
Sunday I did next to nothing - didn't even go to church (I was putting the finishing touches on my copy for Dr. Mercola and before I knew it, it was after 10am). But it was relaxing and that was the important part.
Overall, good weekend. Hope yours was too!
Friday, April 04, 2008
Awesome
That's how the gala I attended was last night - awesome! The Colorado I Have a Dream Foundation hosted its own 20th birthday celebration last night.
CIHAD is a non-profit org that helps underprivileged and disadvantaged youth through mentoring, tutoring and financial support for post-secondary education. It's been my privilege to be a part of their mentoring services for over 1.5 years.
The highlight of the evening were guest speakers Erin Gruwell and one of her Freedom Writers, Maria Reyes. Just as a side note, Freedom Writers is a movie starring Hilary Swank. It tells of Erin's early teaching years in Long Beach, CA and the plight of her neglected and disregarded students who struggle to simply stay alive, let alone get a good education. If you haven't seen it - RUN, don't walk, RUN to your movie store and rent it. Better yet, buy it. It's worth watching a few times and definitely worth watching with others and with children.
Back to the gala...both of the young women spoke about the importance of our kids in this world and how neglected many of them are.
It was an emotional night for many of us in the audience (and you know me, I cry at the drop of a hat in most any circumstance). Their speeches were moving as were the awards given to several of the long-time IHAD students (Dreamers as we call them) and the official announcement of 2 more incoming classes (IHAD adopts a class of 4th graders from a school and they are followed through their high school years through a progression of tutoring then mentoring then financial aid for college/vocational school).
It warms my heart to be a part of something so much bigger than I am and an organization that has long-reaching and lasting effects. It's not quick fix for anyone involved: the kids are part of the program from 4th grade into college (and many are involved into their adulthood by becoming board members, etc). The tutors and mentors are asked to give a minimum of one year but most of us stay with our Dreamers for the rest of our lives. And the sponsors who "adopt" a class stay with their Dreamers from 4th grade on.
I'm so happy to be a part of that and to have contributed my time, my money and my heart. I hope to one day be able to sponsor an entire class. How wonderful - to adopt 50 kids! Right now I mentor one Dreamer and she's just a peach. I love hanging out with her and it's been a pleasure to be a part of her life over the last 1.5 years. I'm amazed...I know I'm going to turn around and she'll be graduating!
It's truly a life-changing experience to mentor someone who is growing up so differently than I did. It's a lot of fun but definitely has its challenging moments (like anything).
I know some of my friends think I'm a "good" person for volunteering and mentoring but my life only feels complete when I'm doing things for my community and for the world around me. I feel like I'm connected to something greater than my own little life and that gives me purpose.
Without purpose I feel incomplete and hollow, like I'm missing the inside of my leg. Perhaps that makes me strange but strange is fine. Weird is good as one of my teachers says. ;)
Anyway, I think the world would be a much better place if each of us just stopped for a moment out of every day and thought of something nice we could do for someone else. To find some way to contribute to a life outside of our own.
It gives me warm fuzzies anyway. :)
Enjoy your weekend. I'm heading off to Wash Park to walk for awhile and then will probably go home. I need a quiet night alone to relax after a busy week. And it has to be tonight because I have volunteering to do tomorrow along with some freelance stuff. It will be a busy weekend!
CIHAD is a non-profit org that helps underprivileged and disadvantaged youth through mentoring, tutoring and financial support for post-secondary education. It's been my privilege to be a part of their mentoring services for over 1.5 years.
The highlight of the evening were guest speakers Erin Gruwell and one of her Freedom Writers, Maria Reyes. Just as a side note, Freedom Writers is a movie starring Hilary Swank. It tells of Erin's early teaching years in Long Beach, CA and the plight of her neglected and disregarded students who struggle to simply stay alive, let alone get a good education. If you haven't seen it - RUN, don't walk, RUN to your movie store and rent it. Better yet, buy it. It's worth watching a few times and definitely worth watching with others and with children.
Back to the gala...both of the young women spoke about the importance of our kids in this world and how neglected many of them are.
It was an emotional night for many of us in the audience (and you know me, I cry at the drop of a hat in most any circumstance). Their speeches were moving as were the awards given to several of the long-time IHAD students (Dreamers as we call them) and the official announcement of 2 more incoming classes (IHAD adopts a class of 4th graders from a school and they are followed through their high school years through a progression of tutoring then mentoring then financial aid for college/vocational school).
It warms my heart to be a part of something so much bigger than I am and an organization that has long-reaching and lasting effects. It's not quick fix for anyone involved: the kids are part of the program from 4th grade into college (and many are involved into their adulthood by becoming board members, etc). The tutors and mentors are asked to give a minimum of one year but most of us stay with our Dreamers for the rest of our lives. And the sponsors who "adopt" a class stay with their Dreamers from 4th grade on.
I'm so happy to be a part of that and to have contributed my time, my money and my heart. I hope to one day be able to sponsor an entire class. How wonderful - to adopt 50 kids! Right now I mentor one Dreamer and she's just a peach. I love hanging out with her and it's been a pleasure to be a part of her life over the last 1.5 years. I'm amazed...I know I'm going to turn around and she'll be graduating!
It's truly a life-changing experience to mentor someone who is growing up so differently than I did. It's a lot of fun but definitely has its challenging moments (like anything).
I know some of my friends think I'm a "good" person for volunteering and mentoring but my life only feels complete when I'm doing things for my community and for the world around me. I feel like I'm connected to something greater than my own little life and that gives me purpose.
Without purpose I feel incomplete and hollow, like I'm missing the inside of my leg. Perhaps that makes me strange but strange is fine. Weird is good as one of my teachers says. ;)
Anyway, I think the world would be a much better place if each of us just stopped for a moment out of every day and thought of something nice we could do for someone else. To find some way to contribute to a life outside of our own.
It gives me warm fuzzies anyway. :)
Enjoy your weekend. I'm heading off to Wash Park to walk for awhile and then will probably go home. I need a quiet night alone to relax after a busy week. And it has to be tonight because I have volunteering to do tomorrow along with some freelance stuff. It will be a busy weekend!
Thursday, April 03, 2008
New furniture!
My new furniture!!! It's tough to see in these pictures but these two pieces have a light, light green shade. They are sort of in the French Country/provincial style which is my absolute favorite (minus the roosters of course).
Aren't they lovely?!!!! I smile every time I look at them.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Better
Today I feel much better, much lighter and much more at peace. Whether it was the bouquet of lilies I bought for myself, the silent meditative weekend retreat I've planned for my birthday next month or my meditation last night. Whatever it was (or any combination of those things), I feel free.
Just free to be me (yipee!), free to let my heart fill with love, peace and acceptance. I wish all the love, joy, peace and understanding for everyone I know.
Oprah's webcast with Eckhart Tolle touches on this quite a bit - the pain body.
If you're interested look at Oprah.com for the link to this week's show.
I know this particular section is especially relevant to me, I know I hold a pain body inside. There's no way to experience a childhood as I did and NOT have a pain body.
I haven't read this chapter - haven't read any actually! I've just been watching each session the week following the original airdate.
I may jump in and read this chapter or I may hold off til my weekend retreat and read the entire book.
Here's a link to the place I'll be staying, Shoshoni.
I'll post images in another entry...for some reason I can't seem to place photos wherever I want to in my post! I think you'll agree wtih my that it is a beautiful, serene place for quiet introspection and reconnection with Mother Nature.
Just free to be me (yipee!), free to let my heart fill with love, peace and acceptance. I wish all the love, joy, peace and understanding for everyone I know.
Oprah's webcast with Eckhart Tolle touches on this quite a bit - the pain body.
If you're interested look at Oprah.com for the link to this week's show.
I know this particular section is especially relevant to me, I know I hold a pain body inside. There's no way to experience a childhood as I did and NOT have a pain body.
I haven't read this chapter - haven't read any actually! I've just been watching each session the week following the original airdate.
I may jump in and read this chapter or I may hold off til my weekend retreat and read the entire book.
Here's a link to the place I'll be staying, Shoshoni.
I'll post images in another entry...for some reason I can't seem to place photos wherever I want to in my post! I think you'll agree wtih my that it is a beautiful, serene place for quiet introspection and reconnection with Mother Nature.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Lilies...
I meant I bought lilies. Why do I confuse the two so often? Don't know but here's an image of my lovely lilies. Therapy
Well I went to therapy last night at DU. Needless to say my reoccuring abandoment issues aren't something that can be cured, healed or otherwise adequately addressed in an hour. Not that I expected to fix anything in that hour...I just forgot how exhausting it can be to deal with emotional topics.
Overall it was good. I liked my therapist. For some reason I thought I'd be matched with a man but V is female. She's very nice and warm-hearted.
Today I felt better when I woke up but the day has slowly drained my heart and my body. I feel tired, lonely and depressed. I'm already sick to death with healing and I just want the F'ing pain to go away. I still feel like someone kicked me in the gut and I can barely breath.
So today I bought myself some gorgeous orchids (they are spectacular) and am looking at making some reservations at Shoshoni the weekend of my birthday next month.
Not that either of those things made much of an impact on my energy level, they didn't. But I have to take care of myself; I am always but always worth the effort, time and green energy. My heart deserves the best and that is what I give it.
Overall it was good. I liked my therapist. For some reason I thought I'd be matched with a man but V is female. She's very nice and warm-hearted.
Today I felt better when I woke up but the day has slowly drained my heart and my body. I feel tired, lonely and depressed. I'm already sick to death with healing and I just want the F'ing pain to go away. I still feel like someone kicked me in the gut and I can barely breath.
So today I bought myself some gorgeous orchids (they are spectacular) and am looking at making some reservations at Shoshoni the weekend of my birthday next month.
Not that either of those things made much of an impact on my energy level, they didn't. But I have to take care of myself; I am always but always worth the effort, time and green energy. My heart deserves the best and that is what I give it.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Love Is...
Remember how I struggled with some questions around love last week?
I found this quote today in my email Inbox and I found it to be very soothing and comforting.
"Love possesses not nor will it be possessed,
for love is sufficient unto love."
--Kahlil Gibran
Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet is one of my favorite books ever printed. I simply love it and think the words are some of the most beautiful ever conceived, ever thought and ever written.
Bold statement I know but it is an amazing book!
I found this quote today in my email Inbox and I found it to be very soothing and comforting.
"Love possesses not nor will it be possessed,
for love is sufficient unto love."
--Kahlil Gibran
Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet is one of my favorite books ever printed. I simply love it and think the words are some of the most beautiful ever conceived, ever thought and ever written.
Bold statement I know but it is an amazing book!
Therapy
Tonight is my first night of therapy at DU. We'll see how that goes - it will be nice to have a professional sounding board. I'm so tired of talking to other people about my problems...mainly because most people prefer to blame the world around them versus taking responsibility for their lives.
I was certainly in that mindset even just a few years ago. But I've left that behind and decided it's easier if I take accountability for my results.
Anyway, my point is most people don't understand how I choose to live. And that's fine, I don't ask anyone to follow in my footsteps. I simply ask for respect for my choices and I offer the same in return.
That being said, it gets a bit lonely sometimes.
Saturday night was one of those lonely times. I spent most of the day doing my usual: volunteer work in the morning, grocery shopping and meeting with a client at a coffee shop on Pearl.
Anyway, I went home after all of my errands.
And I stayed there. I was watching movies and camped out by 6pm. It felt comfortable I guess and I finally slowed down after a hectic week.
And I just cried. I watched some movies, I cried.
I read a book, I cried.
It was just a big ole crying fest for some reason. I suppose it helped and I guess I felt better on Sunday since I didn't cry very much. But it certainly didn't change how lonely I felt.
Sunday afternoon I spent with some friends at Chuck E. Cheese and we celebrated their daughter's 5th birthday. It was so fun and I loved playing with both of their girls (who are 3 & 5). But my heart ached when I had to go home and go back to my lonely, empty house.
There was a realization I came to over the weekend. I discovered that TX was one of the few people in my life who knows/knew so much about me, about my philosophies, my beliefs and my life's vision.
He was someone I shared things with almost every day - deep, intimate, personal things.
I let him become a part of my life in many ways and I miss that. I miss sharing my day to day things with him. I miss having that person who cares, who says he cares and shows he cares.
And yes I admit I simply miss having someone to share with but if I wanted just anyone, I could find that. If I wanted someone just for physical intimacy, I could find that easily. Someone to hang out with? Sure, in a heartbeat.
But someone who gives me the space to talk about my deepest fears and my greatest passions and loves? Nope.
I've been looking for him for 8 years and this was the first man I found who gave me all of that. There have been others who have given me bits and pieces here and there but no one else has given me all he did.
But he did give and that's the important lesson to take with me. He gave and so did I. I gave in ways I have never given before and I'm so grateful for all of that!
I am, as always, so grateful for the love I have experienced. To know that I could and did give so much with only hope, respect and love in my heart is a wonderful feeling.
So that is the feeling I choose to hold on to and keep in my heart.
I was certainly in that mindset even just a few years ago. But I've left that behind and decided it's easier if I take accountability for my results.
Anyway, my point is most people don't understand how I choose to live. And that's fine, I don't ask anyone to follow in my footsteps. I simply ask for respect for my choices and I offer the same in return.
That being said, it gets a bit lonely sometimes.
Saturday night was one of those lonely times. I spent most of the day doing my usual: volunteer work in the morning, grocery shopping and meeting with a client at a coffee shop on Pearl.
Anyway, I went home after all of my errands.
And I stayed there. I was watching movies and camped out by 6pm. It felt comfortable I guess and I finally slowed down after a hectic week.
And I just cried. I watched some movies, I cried.
I read a book, I cried.
It was just a big ole crying fest for some reason. I suppose it helped and I guess I felt better on Sunday since I didn't cry very much. But it certainly didn't change how lonely I felt.
Sunday afternoon I spent with some friends at Chuck E. Cheese and we celebrated their daughter's 5th birthday. It was so fun and I loved playing with both of their girls (who are 3 & 5). But my heart ached when I had to go home and go back to my lonely, empty house.
There was a realization I came to over the weekend. I discovered that TX was one of the few people in my life who knows/knew so much about me, about my philosophies, my beliefs and my life's vision.
He was someone I shared things with almost every day - deep, intimate, personal things.
I let him become a part of my life in many ways and I miss that. I miss sharing my day to day things with him. I miss having that person who cares, who says he cares and shows he cares.
And yes I admit I simply miss having someone to share with but if I wanted just anyone, I could find that. If I wanted someone just for physical intimacy, I could find that easily. Someone to hang out with? Sure, in a heartbeat.
But someone who gives me the space to talk about my deepest fears and my greatest passions and loves? Nope.
I've been looking for him for 8 years and this was the first man I found who gave me all of that. There have been others who have given me bits and pieces here and there but no one else has given me all he did.
But he did give and that's the important lesson to take with me. He gave and so did I. I gave in ways I have never given before and I'm so grateful for all of that!
I am, as always, so grateful for the love I have experienced. To know that I could and did give so much with only hope, respect and love in my heart is a wonderful feeling.
So that is the feeling I choose to hold on to and keep in my heart.
Friday, March 28, 2008
For Every Yesterday, There Is a Today
For all the good yesterday did me, today has been the opposite. I cried before 7:30am, thought about him a lot before noon and accidentally found his first email to me and read a sentence or two before I could click away (stupid brain - always reading).
It has been a hard day and it's just past noon. How am I supposed to go on dates when my insides ache for him? It makes no sense.
I know in my heart this is where we both need to be right now but that doesn't make it easier or make the tears stop. It's best to let them out anyway, gotta deal with feelings somehow or they'll just sit there until you do.
It's such a different break-up. I'm accustomed to men leaving because they acted stupidly or didn't love me, found someone else, etc. All of that I have dealt with.
But walking away from love?
That is the most difficult of all break-ups. It makes my heart hurt. I understand the phrase "gut-wrenching". My insides ache when I think about him.
But with yoga and meditation, I better understand that thoughts are just thoughts. Feelings are feelings and letting go of both becomes much easier. It doesn't mean I've let go of my love for him. I don't have to, it will always be in my heart.
HE will always be in heart.
I take comfort in knowing that. It is a warm, safe place I keep for him filled with love, light, laughter and joy.
And if that safe place exists for him then I can and do hold myself there as well. I create that same feeling for me, for my heart and for all the love I have to share with the world.
There is beauty and truth in that which eases my aches, my tears and my heart.
It has been a hard day and it's just past noon. How am I supposed to go on dates when my insides ache for him? It makes no sense.
I know in my heart this is where we both need to be right now but that doesn't make it easier or make the tears stop. It's best to let them out anyway, gotta deal with feelings somehow or they'll just sit there until you do.
It's such a different break-up. I'm accustomed to men leaving because they acted stupidly or didn't love me, found someone else, etc. All of that I have dealt with.
But walking away from love?
That is the most difficult of all break-ups. It makes my heart hurt. I understand the phrase "gut-wrenching". My insides ache when I think about him.
But with yoga and meditation, I better understand that thoughts are just thoughts. Feelings are feelings and letting go of both becomes much easier. It doesn't mean I've let go of my love for him. I don't have to, it will always be in my heart.
HE will always be in heart.
I take comfort in knowing that. It is a warm, safe place I keep for him filled with love, light, laughter and joy.
And if that safe place exists for him then I can and do hold myself there as well. I create that same feeling for me, for my heart and for all the love I have to share with the world.
There is beauty and truth in that which eases my aches, my tears and my heart.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Busy Bee
Well I have been keeping busy this past week. My workload was exceptionally heavy yesterday - hence no posting here - and this morning was been about the same.
All weeklong I have made plans in the evening so I haven't been sitting at home, feeling lonely and depressed. Keeping my social calendar full has helped somewhat but I still miss him.
The bright spot of today was that I didn't cry til almost noon. That is quite a miracle. :)
The rest of the week is shaping up to be equally busy. Tonight I'm going to yoga and hopefully catching up with a few friends on the phone. Tomorrow night I'm hanging with a few friends and Saturday I have volunteer work plus a meeting with a client to get his marketing plan together and move forward with it.
Sunday will be my day to stay home, cook, clean and be domestic. There is a potluck dinner where I volunteer but I don't know if I will go. It would be good to socialize but we'll see what my energy level is like. Right now, I feel tired.
The week is almost over and it feels good to put a few more days between the break-up and my current life. It just helps me to heal as I allow time to pass.
It also helps when I let go of my attachment to him and just let my heart bask in the love we shared. That's a nice feeling...til my flippin' ego steps in and demands more of it. *sigh* What's a girl to do?! ;) Meditation & yoga that's what.
No revelations the last 2 days. I feel exhausted and need to recover from the mental and emotional strain of the last week so I'm letting my inner dialogue rest now. Although I have decided to go to counseling. DU offers free treatments if you are comfortable with an open session. Open means you meet with a counselor who is in training while certified counselors watch the session (on an open video feed? behind a one-sided glass window? not sure).
I'm fine with all of that - I think it will help me cope with my long-suffering, lifelong plague: abandoment issues. I don't know what else I can do to fix that crap on my own but I have to do something and this is the first thing that appeared. I start next Monday. You'll get a full report. :)
Til then enjoy your week. I wish you peace, love, support and blessings.
All weeklong I have made plans in the evening so I haven't been sitting at home, feeling lonely and depressed. Keeping my social calendar full has helped somewhat but I still miss him.
The bright spot of today was that I didn't cry til almost noon. That is quite a miracle. :)
The rest of the week is shaping up to be equally busy. Tonight I'm going to yoga and hopefully catching up with a few friends on the phone. Tomorrow night I'm hanging with a few friends and Saturday I have volunteer work plus a meeting with a client to get his marketing plan together and move forward with it.
Sunday will be my day to stay home, cook, clean and be domestic. There is a potluck dinner where I volunteer but I don't know if I will go. It would be good to socialize but we'll see what my energy level is like. Right now, I feel tired.
The week is almost over and it feels good to put a few more days between the break-up and my current life. It just helps me to heal as I allow time to pass.
It also helps when I let go of my attachment to him and just let my heart bask in the love we shared. That's a nice feeling...til my flippin' ego steps in and demands more of it. *sigh* What's a girl to do?! ;) Meditation & yoga that's what.
No revelations the last 2 days. I feel exhausted and need to recover from the mental and emotional strain of the last week so I'm letting my inner dialogue rest now. Although I have decided to go to counseling. DU offers free treatments if you are comfortable with an open session. Open means you meet with a counselor who is in training while certified counselors watch the session (on an open video feed? behind a one-sided glass window? not sure).
I'm fine with all of that - I think it will help me cope with my long-suffering, lifelong plague: abandoment issues. I don't know what else I can do to fix that crap on my own but I have to do something and this is the first thing that appeared. I start next Monday. You'll get a full report. :)
Til then enjoy your week. I wish you peace, love, support and blessings.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Let It Go
Isn't it funny how if someone gives us permission to do something, we feel comfortable doing it - more so than if it's a decision we make by ourselves?
I'm not one for doing things because other people tell me to. Definitely not. I have a stubborn streak a country mile wide and if I dig in my heels, forget it. You aren't getting anywhere with me.
But sweet talk me? Sure I'll help you. Just phrase it properly and if I like you, I'm there in a heartbeat.
Yes I can be handled.
But anyway, that isn't the point of my post.
My point is that often our hearts know exactly what to do but our heads won't let our hearts act. Too much ego and not enough purity of spirit.
I spoke with Mary last night and told her what has happened in the last week (I can barely believe it's only been 7 days - it feels like 7 months if not years). I told her about my big hang up (#2 as we discussed yesterday). And she told me to simply let go.
Just let go of that bile, that fear and that rawness.
It was all I needed to hear and it eased my heart. She is a good soul who tells me what I need to hear (although it is not always what I want to hear)!
She also went out to tell me there's someone else around and as soon as I open my heart, he will show up (she saw water - like he was a Water sign or extra sensitive, etc).
She also told me TX will come back by summer. She said I may have to choose between the two.
I realize for some that's a dream come true but that would be an uncomfortable position for me because it would mean someone would get hurt and it wouldn't be me. That is not a position I've been in very often...perhaps only once or twice in my lifetime have I had to break up with someone or let someone go from my life.
Although the one significant time I did let someone go was my birth mother. I'm not sure I ever stopped to think about whether or not that act hurt her. There's fuel for another post!
As I've said in previous posts, it's rare that I have had to break off a relationship. So I'm comfortable coping with my own pain but hurting someone else? It wrecks me. I'm so empathetic that there are times I can be in a small space with strangers (say an elevator) and I can feel their emotions.
So the intensity of being connected to another person and knowing that I hurt them could be a struggle for me.
Be that as it may, I'll cross that bridge when I get there I suppose.
I'm still taking life one day at a time. Fortunately today is a little easier, a little softer and a little lighter. I can breath better today and I can walk with greater ease & energy.
Part of the ease is Mary's advice and part of it is simply knowing this truth: love is energy (as almost everything is in our Universe) and as such, energy (love) is never created nor destroyed. It simply changes form. That's one of the laws of thermodynamics (the first perhaps?? can't recall exactly and don't feel like Googling it).
I take comfort in knowing love never ceases to exist, it simply changes. And change is good..or so sayeth Taco Bell. God knows I abhor fast food but not Toxic H*ll. It's comfort food for my soul. ;)
Anyway, my point is that I take comfort in knowing the love I have for TX is there as his love for me. It just changed as does life. And that's a good thing. Life is more interesting for that reason. I'll take interesting and I'll take life.
I'm not one for doing things because other people tell me to. Definitely not. I have a stubborn streak a country mile wide and if I dig in my heels, forget it. You aren't getting anywhere with me.
But sweet talk me? Sure I'll help you. Just phrase it properly and if I like you, I'm there in a heartbeat.
Yes I can be handled.
But anyway, that isn't the point of my post.
My point is that often our hearts know exactly what to do but our heads won't let our hearts act. Too much ego and not enough purity of spirit.
I spoke with Mary last night and told her what has happened in the last week (I can barely believe it's only been 7 days - it feels like 7 months if not years). I told her about my big hang up (#2 as we discussed yesterday). And she told me to simply let go.
Just let go of that bile, that fear and that rawness.
It was all I needed to hear and it eased my heart. She is a good soul who tells me what I need to hear (although it is not always what I want to hear)!
She also went out to tell me there's someone else around and as soon as I open my heart, he will show up (she saw water - like he was a Water sign or extra sensitive, etc).
She also told me TX will come back by summer. She said I may have to choose between the two.
I realize for some that's a dream come true but that would be an uncomfortable position for me because it would mean someone would get hurt and it wouldn't be me. That is not a position I've been in very often...perhaps only once or twice in my lifetime have I had to break up with someone or let someone go from my life.
Although the one significant time I did let someone go was my birth mother. I'm not sure I ever stopped to think about whether or not that act hurt her. There's fuel for another post!
As I've said in previous posts, it's rare that I have had to break off a relationship. So I'm comfortable coping with my own pain but hurting someone else? It wrecks me. I'm so empathetic that there are times I can be in a small space with strangers (say an elevator) and I can feel their emotions.
So the intensity of being connected to another person and knowing that I hurt them could be a struggle for me.
Be that as it may, I'll cross that bridge when I get there I suppose.
I'm still taking life one day at a time. Fortunately today is a little easier, a little softer and a little lighter. I can breath better today and I can walk with greater ease & energy.
Part of the ease is Mary's advice and part of it is simply knowing this truth: love is energy (as almost everything is in our Universe) and as such, energy (love) is never created nor destroyed. It simply changes form. That's one of the laws of thermodynamics (the first perhaps?? can't recall exactly and don't feel like Googling it).
I take comfort in knowing love never ceases to exist, it simply changes. And change is good..or so sayeth Taco Bell. God knows I abhor fast food but not Toxic H*ll. It's comfort food for my soul. ;)
Anyway, my point is that I take comfort in knowing the love I have for TX is there as his love for me. It just changed as does life. And that's a good thing. Life is more interesting for that reason. I'll take interesting and I'll take life.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Love's Labors Lost
Once again my friend Mary was right. She said another man would pop up on the scene very quickly and that romance was all around.
Saturday night I got a text message from a guy I went out with last fall. He was part of the at one point 5-man rotation. He wanted to know if I was available. Initially I didn't even want to respond to the message, I would have preferred to deny my current heartache. Instead after finishing Becoming Jane (which is lovely by the way and made me feel like speaking in overdramatic sentences with a British lilt for an entire 24 hours), I responded I was available but am in recovery.
He is nice, funny and treats me well. I have no romantic interest in him however and I explained we could hang out again but just as friends. My heart cannot offer anything more except to myself.
And to prove that statement is true, my initial response to accepting the Airline Boy's offer was to burst into tears. I don't want to go on dates with anyone else. I want Texas ... even though my heart knows I can't be with him. Going on other dates seems to be what I have to do right now.
But what does that say to love I have in my heart for Texas? Does it lessen that love? Does it somehow taint it by resuming dating life so quickly?
Even if it is platonic, it's still technically a date I guess. And I feel guilty for it, for dating again. But I cannot stay home every weekend and ever hope to find a life partner/husband/father of my children. (I want all that in one package - not in a set of 3, just for clarification).
Is that love for Texas lost then? Is it gone for good?
How do you hold on to love after you grieve? Maybe you don't hold on to it - maybe you can't hold on to love itself but the love you feel for the person is always there.
Regardless of those answers, I'm still grieving, this I know. Today my body feels like it's twice its normal size. I feel heavy, slow and almost drunk with lethargy. And I am not drunk just as an aside. ;)
Those are just things I ponder. I know my love for him will always be there but what happens to love after the person leaves? It changes, that I know.
But could it be resumed? Could it be reignited? Or is love really a flame that is extinguished without the oxygen of our attention? Perhaps if it is a flame than the embers simply lie dormant. And if we choose to reignite it in the future we can do so with oxygen (attention) and some additional kindling (dates, romance, heartfelt honesty and talks). I think hope must be there as well.
Mary has suggested that Texas will come back but she has told me if I want to walk away, this is the time to do it.
Do I want to walk away forever? Maybe. It would be easier. But how many times have I ever walked away from something because it was too hard? Not often. It is still a consideration though.
I know she's right on the money. I have had deja vu experiences daily for the last 2 weeks which is always my internal signal that things happening currently are significant. It is my internal bell that says "pay attention to now!"
Regardless of the future, I have to grieve and heal.
There are two big hurdles for me regarding the healing:
1.) I know he is hurting because I know him well and he is beating himself up over everything. His hurt makes me hurt.
2.) The possibility of his reconciliation. If that becomes a reality I hope I never know about it. That nasty bile still rises in my throat when I think about it. That level of rejection is so deep, intense and raw I can barely co-exist with it.
So I am going to talk to Mary tonight and she'll share her wise counsel with me and help me heal a little faster. I know I can't carry around #2 longer - it's awful.
I don't like awful and I want to be rid of it. I just need a little help lassoing in my ego to do so.
As always, each moment gets better. I wish the same to you!
Saturday night I got a text message from a guy I went out with last fall. He was part of the at one point 5-man rotation. He wanted to know if I was available. Initially I didn't even want to respond to the message, I would have preferred to deny my current heartache. Instead after finishing Becoming Jane (which is lovely by the way and made me feel like speaking in overdramatic sentences with a British lilt for an entire 24 hours), I responded I was available but am in recovery.
He is nice, funny and treats me well. I have no romantic interest in him however and I explained we could hang out again but just as friends. My heart cannot offer anything more except to myself.
And to prove that statement is true, my initial response to accepting the Airline Boy's offer was to burst into tears. I don't want to go on dates with anyone else. I want Texas ... even though my heart knows I can't be with him. Going on other dates seems to be what I have to do right now.
But what does that say to love I have in my heart for Texas? Does it lessen that love? Does it somehow taint it by resuming dating life so quickly?
Even if it is platonic, it's still technically a date I guess. And I feel guilty for it, for dating again. But I cannot stay home every weekend and ever hope to find a life partner/husband/father of my children. (I want all that in one package - not in a set of 3, just for clarification).
Is that love for Texas lost then? Is it gone for good?
How do you hold on to love after you grieve? Maybe you don't hold on to it - maybe you can't hold on to love itself but the love you feel for the person is always there.
Regardless of those answers, I'm still grieving, this I know. Today my body feels like it's twice its normal size. I feel heavy, slow and almost drunk with lethargy. And I am not drunk just as an aside. ;)
Those are just things I ponder. I know my love for him will always be there but what happens to love after the person leaves? It changes, that I know.
But could it be resumed? Could it be reignited? Or is love really a flame that is extinguished without the oxygen of our attention? Perhaps if it is a flame than the embers simply lie dormant. And if we choose to reignite it in the future we can do so with oxygen (attention) and some additional kindling (dates, romance, heartfelt honesty and talks). I think hope must be there as well.
Mary has suggested that Texas will come back but she has told me if I want to walk away, this is the time to do it.
Do I want to walk away forever? Maybe. It would be easier. But how many times have I ever walked away from something because it was too hard? Not often. It is still a consideration though.
I know she's right on the money. I have had deja vu experiences daily for the last 2 weeks which is always my internal signal that things happening currently are significant. It is my internal bell that says "pay attention to now!"
Regardless of the future, I have to grieve and heal.
There are two big hurdles for me regarding the healing:
1.) I know he is hurting because I know him well and he is beating himself up over everything. His hurt makes me hurt.
2.) The possibility of his reconciliation. If that becomes a reality I hope I never know about it. That nasty bile still rises in my throat when I think about it. That level of rejection is so deep, intense and raw I can barely co-exist with it.
So I am going to talk to Mary tonight and she'll share her wise counsel with me and help me heal a little faster. I know I can't carry around #2 longer - it's awful.
I don't like awful and I want to be rid of it. I just need a little help lassoing in my ego to do so.
As always, each moment gets better. I wish the same to you!
Sunday, March 23, 2008
The Big Give
Although TV isn't high on my list of priorities, I often (ok so far every week) have tuned in to watch Oprah's Big Give.
I love it.
Yes I love Oprah but even if this weren't her show, I would think it was bloody brilliant. It's about time we see this kind of spirit, enthusiasm and love on television.
It's nice to see America tune in too. If you haven't, grab your tissue box and settle into the couch at 8pm every Sunday night - well worth an hour of your time.
I love it.
Yes I love Oprah but even if this weren't her show, I would think it was bloody brilliant. It's about time we see this kind of spirit, enthusiasm and love on television.
It's nice to see America tune in too. If you haven't, grab your tissue box and settle into the couch at 8pm every Sunday night - well worth an hour of your time.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Revelations
Bare with me, I cut my finger today and it's affecting my typing skills so I apologize if there are typos! ;)
I've been in deep thought on something in particular during the last 24-48 hours. I've been wondering why I have or at least had a pattern of getting involved with men who would always choose to be with someone else.
Not all of my boyfriends did this. Some just left (I've never ended a serious relationship - it has always been him...there's another interesting pattern. I'm sure I'll talk about that in the future). The only men I've ever kicked to the curb have been guys I have dated for a short period of time and then decided I didn't really like.
So back to the choosing someone else thing. There have been a few serious relationships in my past who have left me for someone else (think of G, my own personal Mr. Big who left last year after being on & off for 12 years, who left because he had found the woman he was going to spend his life with and could no longer be my friend ... and then there's the guy I almost married after college who cheated...).
I'm hoping the most recent doesn't fall into this category but I was thinking if he did end things with me and eventually reconciled with his X - why would that affect me so much? Why does the thought of that make me feel so raw inside and feel like heaving my guts out? It truly is a very strong visceral reaction I have when I think about it - no exaggeration.
I'm a big believer in delving into your past if you see a pattern or if you want to change something. You can't continue to be the same person, doing the same things and feeling the same way - and then expect different results. That's a bit on the crazy side - it just doesn't work (which is why so many people don't change).
So what from my past was causing that feeling? Perhaps if I dug into the feeling and found the incident (probably numerous incidents knowing my childhood) that I associate with that feeling...maybe by discovering all of that I could begin to release it.
The one thing that came to mind was that my birth mother (there she is again) always chose to go back to "her family". She was only around me when the mood struck her and she felt like it. Basically whenever her guilt came up & bugged her enough - that's my theory.
Anyway, I wasn't sure this was the reason for my current visceral feelings & reactions because I didn't want to acknowledge that there is/was a part of me that wanted to be part of her family.
For so long I told myself I didn't want to be with her. She was (maybe still is) manipulative, narcisstic and generally f**ked up.
I even saw her be verbally and physically abusive to her other kids (just her stepkids - not her bio kids) on a few occasions.
Generally speaking, she is not a desirable mother figure. So intellectually I pushed all of my feelings of want & need for her - I pushed them away. I told myself there was no reason to ever want to be her daughter and I would've been better off if I hadn't. I've since let go of that feeling as she gave me many great gifts, the most vital being my birth!
But now I see that there was a part of me (as there is in EVERY little girl and EVERY woman) who wanted to be loved, accepted and welcomed by my birth mother.
And since she never chose me consistently, I have frequently chosen men who have done the same. I have taken this pattern from childhood into adulthood by going so far as to be friends and sometimes lovers with a man who would hop into & out of my life at his leisure. It's a very real feeling/residual affect & it was there.
On the positive side, G is long gone so I have at least broken that part of the pattern.
And thank heavens he's gone! G can stay away, truly. He is a good (albeit spiritually-lacking and misguided) man who has his own stuff and I am better off without him. Both intellectually and emotionally I know this to be true!
I don't need his acceptance or anyone else's to be the beautiful, loving, giving and incredible woman I am. I am here and sharing my gifts with the world.
If someone chooses not to receive my gifts, then they do. It is simply their choice just as some people choose vanilla over chocolate (although why anyone is crazy enough to choose anything other than chocolate is beyond me..), some people choose to be in my life and some do not.
So if anyone from my past chooses to say in my past, then they do. If they choose to grow forward with me, then there is that option too.
And that's my revelation for the day. Now I need a nap, I feel exhausted!
I've been in deep thought on something in particular during the last 24-48 hours. I've been wondering why I have or at least had a pattern of getting involved with men who would always choose to be with someone else.
Not all of my boyfriends did this. Some just left (I've never ended a serious relationship - it has always been him...there's another interesting pattern. I'm sure I'll talk about that in the future). The only men I've ever kicked to the curb have been guys I have dated for a short period of time and then decided I didn't really like.
So back to the choosing someone else thing. There have been a few serious relationships in my past who have left me for someone else (think of G, my own personal Mr. Big who left last year after being on & off for 12 years, who left because he had found the woman he was going to spend his life with and could no longer be my friend ... and then there's the guy I almost married after college who cheated...).
I'm hoping the most recent doesn't fall into this category but I was thinking if he did end things with me and eventually reconciled with his X - why would that affect me so much? Why does the thought of that make me feel so raw inside and feel like heaving my guts out? It truly is a very strong visceral reaction I have when I think about it - no exaggeration.
I'm a big believer in delving into your past if you see a pattern or if you want to change something. You can't continue to be the same person, doing the same things and feeling the same way - and then expect different results. That's a bit on the crazy side - it just doesn't work (which is why so many people don't change).
So what from my past was causing that feeling? Perhaps if I dug into the feeling and found the incident (probably numerous incidents knowing my childhood) that I associate with that feeling...maybe by discovering all of that I could begin to release it.
The one thing that came to mind was that my birth mother (there she is again) always chose to go back to "her family". She was only around me when the mood struck her and she felt like it. Basically whenever her guilt came up & bugged her enough - that's my theory.
Anyway, I wasn't sure this was the reason for my current visceral feelings & reactions because I didn't want to acknowledge that there is/was a part of me that wanted to be part of her family.
For so long I told myself I didn't want to be with her. She was (maybe still is) manipulative, narcisstic and generally f**ked up.
I even saw her be verbally and physically abusive to her other kids (just her stepkids - not her bio kids) on a few occasions.
Generally speaking, she is not a desirable mother figure. So intellectually I pushed all of my feelings of want & need for her - I pushed them away. I told myself there was no reason to ever want to be her daughter and I would've been better off if I hadn't. I've since let go of that feeling as she gave me many great gifts, the most vital being my birth!
But now I see that there was a part of me (as there is in EVERY little girl and EVERY woman) who wanted to be loved, accepted and welcomed by my birth mother.
And since she never chose me consistently, I have frequently chosen men who have done the same. I have taken this pattern from childhood into adulthood by going so far as to be friends and sometimes lovers with a man who would hop into & out of my life at his leisure. It's a very real feeling/residual affect & it was there.
On the positive side, G is long gone so I have at least broken that part of the pattern.
And thank heavens he's gone! G can stay away, truly. He is a good (albeit spiritually-lacking and misguided) man who has his own stuff and I am better off without him. Both intellectually and emotionally I know this to be true!
I don't need his acceptance or anyone else's to be the beautiful, loving, giving and incredible woman I am. I am here and sharing my gifts with the world.
If someone chooses not to receive my gifts, then they do. It is simply their choice just as some people choose vanilla over chocolate (although why anyone is crazy enough to choose anything other than chocolate is beyond me..), some people choose to be in my life and some do not.
So if anyone from my past chooses to say in my past, then they do. If they choose to grow forward with me, then there is that option too.
And that's my revelation for the day. Now I need a nap, I feel exhausted!
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Odd Dreams...
Have you ever had a dream that stuck with you after you woke up? It affected your whole day?
I had one of those last night/this morning.
I dreamt of my grandmother (maternal). She was sick and sitting on my lap (very much cradled in my arms like a baby - weird I know). She was telling me that someone (don't remember the person's name) wanted to send her back to the home because she was so ill. She was very afraid and needed my comfort. I felt so helpless as I held her and told her I'd find a way to take care of her without having to return to the nursing home.
It's such an odd dream because my grandmother is so healthy and reasonably strong for a woman her age (she's pushing 80 I believe). She takes care of her house by herself (minus the shoveling and mowing which my uncle does for her), is active in several community groups and generally insists on being independent long after my grandfather has passed.
I have made a note to call her and check on her but I think the dream is more symbolic than literal. She represents something/someone to me but I'm not sure whom or what.
There is naturally a side of me that identifies with her. I get my petiteness and height from her along my independence and steadfastness.
But is that the side of me that needs mothering and nurturing right now? Perhaps. It would make sense on some level since there are parts of me that are hurting. But maybe it is more than that. Not sure so I will have to think about it and let my subconscious play with it.
I had one of those last night/this morning.
I dreamt of my grandmother (maternal). She was sick and sitting on my lap (very much cradled in my arms like a baby - weird I know). She was telling me that someone (don't remember the person's name) wanted to send her back to the home because she was so ill. She was very afraid and needed my comfort. I felt so helpless as I held her and told her I'd find a way to take care of her without having to return to the nursing home.
It's such an odd dream because my grandmother is so healthy and reasonably strong for a woman her age (she's pushing 80 I believe). She takes care of her house by herself (minus the shoveling and mowing which my uncle does for her), is active in several community groups and generally insists on being independent long after my grandfather has passed.
I have made a note to call her and check on her but I think the dream is more symbolic than literal. She represents something/someone to me but I'm not sure whom or what.
There is naturally a side of me that identifies with her. I get my petiteness and height from her along my independence and steadfastness.
But is that the side of me that needs mothering and nurturing right now? Perhaps. It would make sense on some level since there are parts of me that are hurting. But maybe it is more than that. Not sure so I will have to think about it and let my subconscious play with it.
On familiar ground
Well if you've been waiting for an update here it is - I'm back to being single again. Just as the title says: familiar ground.
Yes you know that place I've been for the better part of the last 8 years.
So far as I can understand, Texas feels he has some leftover things to deal with from his divorce and feels he cannot give me his whole heart. And frankly I don't want a man who only gives me a little piece of the whole pie. I've had plenty of those (see Drummer boy entries).
I can't say I'm terribly surprised in all honesty. I wish I were - I wish I weren't so jaded and cynical about love. Or rather receiving love. I know I can give it but receiving it isn't something I'm familiar with.
Yeah that was a pity party right there - thanks for joining me. My apologies. It is 5:15am as I write this and I have been wide awake for over an hour. I decided to get up and write in hopes it would settle my mind and ease my heart a bit. Funny thing about heartbreak - it's much like falling in love in that you need very little sleep or food. (I cope with intense hurt by not eating very much).
But on the opposite end of the spectrum, unlike falling in love, you feel like chit and have no energy.
I see no reason at this point to do anything or feel anything other than feel what I am feeling. If I feel like eating, I'll eat. If I don't, I won't. If I feel like staying up all night, I will stay up all night. If I feel like going on dates next week, I'll go on dates next week.
At this point I'm just breathing moment by moment. And about to head out to the gym and hopefully find a coffee shop along the way.
The only thing I can certainly promise is that I am going to take this time to date myself. It may sound a bit odd but I'm going to do all of the things a lover should do for me. I'll buy myself flowers, takeout food, send myself to the spa, go to the movies, take walks in the park, hike the foothills and make myself laugh.
Although I don't feel much like laughing right now - I'm a bit more towards the crying end of the spectrum presently.
Yes you know that place I've been for the better part of the last 8 years.
So far as I can understand, Texas feels he has some leftover things to deal with from his divorce and feels he cannot give me his whole heart. And frankly I don't want a man who only gives me a little piece of the whole pie. I've had plenty of those (see Drummer boy entries).
I can't say I'm terribly surprised in all honesty. I wish I were - I wish I weren't so jaded and cynical about love. Or rather receiving love. I know I can give it but receiving it isn't something I'm familiar with.
Yeah that was a pity party right there - thanks for joining me. My apologies. It is 5:15am as I write this and I have been wide awake for over an hour. I decided to get up and write in hopes it would settle my mind and ease my heart a bit. Funny thing about heartbreak - it's much like falling in love in that you need very little sleep or food. (I cope with intense hurt by not eating very much).
But on the opposite end of the spectrum, unlike falling in love, you feel like chit and have no energy.
I see no reason at this point to do anything or feel anything other than feel what I am feeling. If I feel like eating, I'll eat. If I don't, I won't. If I feel like staying up all night, I will stay up all night. If I feel like going on dates next week, I'll go on dates next week.
At this point I'm just breathing moment by moment. And about to head out to the gym and hopefully find a coffee shop along the way.
The only thing I can certainly promise is that I am going to take this time to date myself. It may sound a bit odd but I'm going to do all of the things a lover should do for me. I'll buy myself flowers, takeout food, send myself to the spa, go to the movies, take walks in the park, hike the foothills and make myself laugh.
Although I don't feel much like laughing right now - I'm a bit more towards the crying end of the spectrum presently.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Catharsis
I don't know if I will actually publish this post but I've got to write to get some things out of me. They are pressing inside, filling my chest and overtaking my body. Time to purge!
Over the weekend the thought came to me that I have been so afraid in relationship crossroads (such as the one I'm currently embedded in) because I feel afraid no one will fight for me. No one will fight for me as a woman. No one will fight for my love and all the love inside of me. (There is a great fountain of love that springs forth from my heart and soul but no one has chosen to drink from that fountain..at least not for very long and not for any lasting length of time).
And why is that? Where is that fear coming from? Why do I continue to put myself in these situations? There is an unresolved pattern here and I had to be willing to dig inside and look for the gunk holding it in place.
Gunk it was. It's old, leftover beliefs from my childhood. The childhood when my birth mother never fought for me. Instead, she made several attempts to recind all parental rights to me, her child, her offspring, her blood. (By the way did you know you could do that? Legally petition the courts to give up all parental rights to a child? I could live with that fact ommitted from my consciousness).
So she didn't fight for me. My dad never really did either. Not in any way that emotionally imbued itself on my psyche. There are countless weekends I can remember when I would cry, beg, plead and scream to my father in hopes he would let me stay with him at home.
Instead I was always ushered off to be with my birth mother and her family in a foreign place, a foreign bed with foreigners who neither knew me nor cared to know or understand me.
And that happened over a period of almost 14 years. Gunk sounds like an appropriate word now after that explanation right?
So through the past 2 decades I have placed myself in relationships with men and invariably we would come to a critical juncture in our relationship whether it would be moving in together, moving somewhere together or some other life-changing point.
And as my experiences would dictate, they would choose to go off without me. Leaving me feeling alone, foreign and without a sense of any real love.
On Saturday I spoke with my friend Mary (find her here - she's fantastic!). She is an intuitive/healer/etc and she is absolutely wonderful. She brought up this very point - that I was so afraid of what was going to happen next because I could never draw on an instance in my past when anyone I loved had ever fought for me.
In all my 31 - almost 32 - years on this planet, I have never felt that anyone loved me enough to fight for me, enough to say Lara I think you are worth the effort. You are worth the ups, the downs, the challenges and the triumphs.
It explains so much.
This belief I've held explains why I've rarely been promoted in any job; why I've rarely made a relatively comfortable living; why I've chosen jobs that were ok but not fantastic in every way; why I've chosen to sidestep my dream of publishing my book; why I often get so close to the finish line and then backtrack and defeat my previous efforts; why my business didn't succeed (if you ever want to know how you really feel about money you should open your business and charge for your services. You will see VERY quickly how you view yourself)...and of course why I continued to choose men who didn't fight for me.
So after some internal debate, searching and an exercise Mary gave me, I decided it was time to fight for me. I am a beautiful woman with a heart that would fill a nation with love, peace and joy. I am worth fighting for no matter what anyone else says, I KNOW this to be true.
I choose to fight for me. I choose ME. Even if no one else ever does, I do and that is all that truly matters.
That is where peace begins.
Whatever happens with Texas in the future is fine. I love him and want to spend decades getting to know him. I do. (And if you think it's too soon to feel that way -that's ok because that is your feeling & thought. These are my feelings and my decisions).
If it's not him, there will always be at least one person fighting for my place in this world and that person is me.
Over the weekend the thought came to me that I have been so afraid in relationship crossroads (such as the one I'm currently embedded in) because I feel afraid no one will fight for me. No one will fight for me as a woman. No one will fight for my love and all the love inside of me. (There is a great fountain of love that springs forth from my heart and soul but no one has chosen to drink from that fountain..at least not for very long and not for any lasting length of time).
And why is that? Where is that fear coming from? Why do I continue to put myself in these situations? There is an unresolved pattern here and I had to be willing to dig inside and look for the gunk holding it in place.
Gunk it was. It's old, leftover beliefs from my childhood. The childhood when my birth mother never fought for me. Instead, she made several attempts to recind all parental rights to me, her child, her offspring, her blood. (By the way did you know you could do that? Legally petition the courts to give up all parental rights to a child? I could live with that fact ommitted from my consciousness).
So she didn't fight for me. My dad never really did either. Not in any way that emotionally imbued itself on my psyche. There are countless weekends I can remember when I would cry, beg, plead and scream to my father in hopes he would let me stay with him at home.
Instead I was always ushered off to be with my birth mother and her family in a foreign place, a foreign bed with foreigners who neither knew me nor cared to know or understand me.
And that happened over a period of almost 14 years. Gunk sounds like an appropriate word now after that explanation right?
So through the past 2 decades I have placed myself in relationships with men and invariably we would come to a critical juncture in our relationship whether it would be moving in together, moving somewhere together or some other life-changing point.
And as my experiences would dictate, they would choose to go off without me. Leaving me feeling alone, foreign and without a sense of any real love.
On Saturday I spoke with my friend Mary (find her here - she's fantastic!). She is an intuitive/healer/etc and she is absolutely wonderful. She brought up this very point - that I was so afraid of what was going to happen next because I could never draw on an instance in my past when anyone I loved had ever fought for me.
In all my 31 - almost 32 - years on this planet, I have never felt that anyone loved me enough to fight for me, enough to say Lara I think you are worth the effort. You are worth the ups, the downs, the challenges and the triumphs.
It explains so much.
This belief I've held explains why I've rarely been promoted in any job; why I've rarely made a relatively comfortable living; why I've chosen jobs that were ok but not fantastic in every way; why I've chosen to sidestep my dream of publishing my book; why I often get so close to the finish line and then backtrack and defeat my previous efforts; why my business didn't succeed (if you ever want to know how you really feel about money you should open your business and charge for your services. You will see VERY quickly how you view yourself)...and of course why I continued to choose men who didn't fight for me.
So after some internal debate, searching and an exercise Mary gave me, I decided it was time to fight for me. I am a beautiful woman with a heart that would fill a nation with love, peace and joy. I am worth fighting for no matter what anyone else says, I KNOW this to be true.
I choose to fight for me. I choose ME. Even if no one else ever does, I do and that is all that truly matters.
That is where peace begins.
Whatever happens with Texas in the future is fine. I love him and want to spend decades getting to know him. I do. (And if you think it's too soon to feel that way -that's ok because that is your feeling & thought. These are my feelings and my decisions).
If it's not him, there will always be at least one person fighting for my place in this world and that person is me.
Tomorrow
So tomorrow is set to be the day I will get an answer and I will know "where he is headed next".
Lots of people have expressed sympathy for my situation and while I appreciate the support, sympathy isn't necessary. (Prayers are always welcome of course). This is simply a place we need to be in order to grow. My heart hopes we continue to grow together but whatever happens will be for my highest good and hopefully for his as well.
He has been a blessing and I am so grateful for the experiences we've had and for all we've shared. Here is to hoping for more.
You'll get an update when I do and when I can. Til then, just say a prayer please.
Lots of people have expressed sympathy for my situation and while I appreciate the support, sympathy isn't necessary. (Prayers are always welcome of course). This is simply a place we need to be in order to grow. My heart hopes we continue to grow together but whatever happens will be for my highest good and hopefully for his as well.
He has been a blessing and I am so grateful for the experiences we've had and for all we've shared. Here is to hoping for more.
You'll get an update when I do and when I can. Til then, just say a prayer please.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Growing closer and moving forward?
Life is always interesting - and usually that interesting adjective is preceded by a challenge...especially in relationships.
I wrote a few weeks ago about lack of time with Texas and how it was affecting us. It still is. We haven't spent much time together since then even though we talk almost every day - often via email throughout the day.
Well he spoke with his daughters about meeting me and they weren't too happy with the idea. In my opinion, it's a pretty natural response on their part. But he was upset by it and is concerned about upsetting them any further. They have adjusted well to living in 2 homes and having their parents apart; he doesn't want to make life any more difficult for them and I respect that.
Again in my opinion, if we slowly take our time introducing and integrating me into their lives, they will adjust. I don't expect it be butterflies and lollipops but I don't anticipate World War III either.
But it has really come down to what he wants to do next...if he wants our relationship to grow and move forward or not.
There's a big part of me that thinks he doesn't, that he is happy with where he is at in his life and doesn't see the need to add me and complicate matters. And it would complicate life for both of us and for his girls.
I think it would be worth it.
I guess this may be one time when love really doesn't conquer all. He will let me know by the end of the weekend I guess. Wish me luck and love.
I wrote a few weeks ago about lack of time with Texas and how it was affecting us. It still is. We haven't spent much time together since then even though we talk almost every day - often via email throughout the day.
Well he spoke with his daughters about meeting me and they weren't too happy with the idea. In my opinion, it's a pretty natural response on their part. But he was upset by it and is concerned about upsetting them any further. They have adjusted well to living in 2 homes and having their parents apart; he doesn't want to make life any more difficult for them and I respect that.
Again in my opinion, if we slowly take our time introducing and integrating me into their lives, they will adjust. I don't expect it be butterflies and lollipops but I don't anticipate World War III either.
But it has really come down to what he wants to do next...if he wants our relationship to grow and move forward or not.
There's a big part of me that thinks he doesn't, that he is happy with where he is at in his life and doesn't see the need to add me and complicate matters. And it would complicate life for both of us and for his girls.
I think it would be worth it.
I guess this may be one time when love really doesn't conquer all. He will let me know by the end of the weekend I guess. Wish me luck and love.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Happy Birthday Jensen!
Today is Jensen Ackles' 30th birthday. Woo woo for today!Actually Jensen's birthday was Saturday. :)
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Good-bye February
So long sucker! Get out the damn door and don't let it hit you where the Goddess split you. :|
In case you didn't figure it out, I'm through with February. It was a crap month between being sick more often than not, struggles with the boy (henceforth referred to as Texas), and just not loving my daily commute.
The time thing has still been ever-present in my relationship with Texas. I think we have seen each other for less than 5 hours this month. That is HARD my friends. That is not much...not nearly as much as I want nor as much as he wants. And that's been one of our saving graces - we both want more. I know we'll get there.
As I've said earlier he is divorced with 2 kids and there have been some issues with his X over the last 2 weeks. But that's pretty private stuff mum's the word!
The time we have had together has been wonderful. I simply loving being in the same room with him and that's saying quite a bit. I've waited almost 8 years to find a man like him and every day he is someone I am grateful to have in my life. I continue to learn about myself and that is one of the most important things to me.
In other news, I'm still working at TSA. The daily commute is a bit of a drag - solely because I want to work, live and play in Boulder. I'm getting there! My freelance work has been great - I love it. When the copy gets posted to Dr. Mercola's web sites, I'll share it with you here.
My job is ok - not inspiring or challenging but it is a job and it takes care of my financial needs right now so again, my gratitude to the Universe.
I wish I had more exciting news to share - no, check that, I wish I had more insights and passions to share with you today but I am feeling pretty low energy and light-headed right now. I have felt this way since about 4am on Monday. *sigh*
I swear March is going to be 100% better, I swear!
In case you didn't figure it out, I'm through with February. It was a crap month between being sick more often than not, struggles with the boy (henceforth referred to as Texas), and just not loving my daily commute.
The time thing has still been ever-present in my relationship with Texas. I think we have seen each other for less than 5 hours this month. That is HARD my friends. That is not much...not nearly as much as I want nor as much as he wants. And that's been one of our saving graces - we both want more. I know we'll get there.
As I've said earlier he is divorced with 2 kids and there have been some issues with his X over the last 2 weeks. But that's pretty private stuff mum's the word!
The time we have had together has been wonderful. I simply loving being in the same room with him and that's saying quite a bit. I've waited almost 8 years to find a man like him and every day he is someone I am grateful to have in my life. I continue to learn about myself and that is one of the most important things to me.
In other news, I'm still working at TSA. The daily commute is a bit of a drag - solely because I want to work, live and play in Boulder. I'm getting there! My freelance work has been great - I love it. When the copy gets posted to Dr. Mercola's web sites, I'll share it with you here.
My job is ok - not inspiring or challenging but it is a job and it takes care of my financial needs right now so again, my gratitude to the Universe.
I wish I had more exciting news to share - no, check that, I wish I had more insights and passions to share with you today but I am feeling pretty low energy and light-headed right now. I have felt this way since about 4am on Monday. *sigh*
I swear March is going to be 100% better, I swear!
Monday, February 11, 2008
Challenges..
I've often talked about how life is full of challenges and it's part of what makes life worth living. If we don't have challenges, we won't grow. And if we don't grow, we die. Period. It's that simple. Just as in nature, growth is part of living. And growth is preceded by change which is often in the form of a challenge.
For the last few weeks I've faced a big challenge with the man I am dating. He has 2 young daughters and a demanding job...not to mention friends, family, volunteer work and hobbies. All of those things add up to a full schedule which makes time for us a bit difficult to come by.
The other night we talked on the phone about a few things and haven't really decided what to do. We want to continue seeing each other and to build our relationship. We just don't know how to do that because neither one of us has really been down this path before.
And I'm ok with that. I'm ok with not knowing exactly how many nights he can give me from week to week. I'm ok with his kids being his first priority. Frankly, I would punch him in the head if they weren't. I'm ok with the fact that he volunteers and it takes up some of his free time. He wouldn't be who he is if he didn't have all of these things. I want him for who he is and all of those things make him the man he is.
What I'm not ok with is giving up or quitting because things are hard or because we have challenges. I've never been a person to back down from a challenge or a difficult situation...not if my heart wanted it.
And my heart wants him. A lot. More than I've wanted anyone else in a very, very long time.
I just don't know if he wants this enough. I guess time will tell.
For the last few weeks I've faced a big challenge with the man I am dating. He has 2 young daughters and a demanding job...not to mention friends, family, volunteer work and hobbies. All of those things add up to a full schedule which makes time for us a bit difficult to come by.
The other night we talked on the phone about a few things and haven't really decided what to do. We want to continue seeing each other and to build our relationship. We just don't know how to do that because neither one of us has really been down this path before.
And I'm ok with that. I'm ok with not knowing exactly how many nights he can give me from week to week. I'm ok with his kids being his first priority. Frankly, I would punch him in the head if they weren't. I'm ok with the fact that he volunteers and it takes up some of his free time. He wouldn't be who he is if he didn't have all of these things. I want him for who he is and all of those things make him the man he is.
What I'm not ok with is giving up or quitting because things are hard or because we have challenges. I've never been a person to back down from a challenge or a difficult situation...not if my heart wanted it.
And my heart wants him. A lot. More than I've wanted anyone else in a very, very long time.
I just don't know if he wants this enough. I guess time will tell.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
And then there was one...
If you've read any of my previous posts you've been privvy to my dating life: the ups, the downs, the highs and lows. All good fun and every experience was worth the investment.
The whole purpose of multiple dating was to take the pressure off of just one man and let things naturally evolve and have fun. For the most part it was fun and I did enjoy myself. I met new people, went to new places and tried some new stuff. All good times in my book. ;)
Shortly after the new year I went on a first date with a man I met online. We chatted for a few days prior to our date so we both knew a bit about the other and we knew we shared a similar sense of humor. He was (and is - bit of foreshadowing there for you along with the title of this post) incredibly funny, smart and charming.
Still...I've had a few first dates that seemed as though they would work out well but in the end, didn't. So I wasn't holding my breath - we both went into the night with the expectation of hanging out and laughing..that's all.
And laugh we did! Throughout our trip to Home Depot, throughout our dinner and during our star-gazing, wine-sharing & snuggling time.
We had a brilliant first date and didn't want the night to end.
I can safely say I haven't had a date that great in years. I mean YEARS. In fact I don't think I've dated a man this terrific in close to 8 years.
So in the weeks following our first date we've seen each other as much as possible and talk frequently via email & phone conversations. Yes I am a smitten kitten. Don't you love that phrase?! And you'll be happy to know (or at least I'm happy to tell you), he is also. Well not a kitten but he's smitten too.
In some respects it seems odd to feel so much for a man I've only known for a brief period of time but when you know, you know. It's just that simple for me.
About damn time too - simple works for me. Complicated, withdrawn, mixed signals don't work and they never will. It's refreshing to be with a man who tells me how much he likes me and likes being with me. A man who respects me and treats with me kindness, friendship and adoration.
And do you know how I did it? I got very, very, very clear about what I wanted in a man and what I wanted in a relationship. Simply (there it is again - simple) this was done by making a list over the course of several days and the list contained everything I did NOT want in a man. And then I took the list and wrote out everything I did want based on my internal thoughts and based on my list of don't wants.
After I made the list I believed I'd find him and it would work. I felt the feelings of being loved, giving loving and receiving love.
Often the simple things are simple but not easy and sometimes believing was hard.
But I am nothing if not a persistent pain in the **s so I kept at it and he showed up.
I have a great feeling about him, about us and about what he adds to my life. I feel very, very good about this man and I hope we continue seeing each other. Either way it's already been a beneficial relationship for me and I hope he can say the same.
There is much more to share about my involvement with him but that is for another day, another post.
The whole purpose of multiple dating was to take the pressure off of just one man and let things naturally evolve and have fun. For the most part it was fun and I did enjoy myself. I met new people, went to new places and tried some new stuff. All good times in my book. ;)
Shortly after the new year I went on a first date with a man I met online. We chatted for a few days prior to our date so we both knew a bit about the other and we knew we shared a similar sense of humor. He was (and is - bit of foreshadowing there for you along with the title of this post) incredibly funny, smart and charming.
Still...I've had a few first dates that seemed as though they would work out well but in the end, didn't. So I wasn't holding my breath - we both went into the night with the expectation of hanging out and laughing..that's all.
And laugh we did! Throughout our trip to Home Depot, throughout our dinner and during our star-gazing, wine-sharing & snuggling time.
We had a brilliant first date and didn't want the night to end.
I can safely say I haven't had a date that great in years. I mean YEARS. In fact I don't think I've dated a man this terrific in close to 8 years.
So in the weeks following our first date we've seen each other as much as possible and talk frequently via email & phone conversations. Yes I am a smitten kitten. Don't you love that phrase?! And you'll be happy to know (or at least I'm happy to tell you), he is also. Well not a kitten but he's smitten too.
In some respects it seems odd to feel so much for a man I've only known for a brief period of time but when you know, you know. It's just that simple for me.
About damn time too - simple works for me. Complicated, withdrawn, mixed signals don't work and they never will. It's refreshing to be with a man who tells me how much he likes me and likes being with me. A man who respects me and treats with me kindness, friendship and adoration.
And do you know how I did it? I got very, very, very clear about what I wanted in a man and what I wanted in a relationship. Simply (there it is again - simple) this was done by making a list over the course of several days and the list contained everything I did NOT want in a man. And then I took the list and wrote out everything I did want based on my internal thoughts and based on my list of don't wants.
After I made the list I believed I'd find him and it would work. I felt the feelings of being loved, giving loving and receiving love.
Often the simple things are simple but not easy and sometimes believing was hard.
But I am nothing if not a persistent pain in the **s so I kept at it and he showed up.
I have a great feeling about him, about us and about what he adds to my life. I feel very, very good about this man and I hope we continue seeing each other. Either way it's already been a beneficial relationship for me and I hope he can say the same.
There is much more to share about my involvement with him but that is for another day, another post.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Happy new year
Well it's already been an interesting new year. On one hand I have some things brewing in the career/writing area like a potential relationship advice column in a local mag & web site (will keep you updated on that one!) and a few freelance projects.
On the other hand my personal life took a slight bruising. I got a text message from DB telling me he was seeing someone now.
Yes you read that right: a text message.
I was very polite & wished him well but inside I was ticked. After you reach a certain point in an involvement with someone, breaking things off warrants a phone call if not an in-person chat. We had most definitely gone past that certain point.
Putting that fact aside this was a good lesson for me. I allowed him to treat me poorly and today I have stopped that. From today forward there is no involvement with a man who doesn't show his interest readily, who doesn't call me more than I call him and who basically keeps himself aloof.
I'm done with all of that and I deserve better. Starting today I know I deserve respect, love, friendship and affection and NOT text message or email break-ups.
While there are other men in my rotation no one else has held my interest much. We'll see what the rest of the year holds but I know it is only up from here! It's going to be a fantastic year and no man and no man's text message will deter me.
On the other hand my personal life took a slight bruising. I got a text message from DB telling me he was seeing someone now.
Yes you read that right: a text message.
I was very polite & wished him well but inside I was ticked. After you reach a certain point in an involvement with someone, breaking things off warrants a phone call if not an in-person chat. We had most definitely gone past that certain point.
Putting that fact aside this was a good lesson for me. I allowed him to treat me poorly and today I have stopped that. From today forward there is no involvement with a man who doesn't show his interest readily, who doesn't call me more than I call him and who basically keeps himself aloof.
I'm done with all of that and I deserve better. Starting today I know I deserve respect, love, friendship and affection and NOT text message or email break-ups.
While there are other men in my rotation no one else has held my interest much. We'll see what the rest of the year holds but I know it is only up from here! It's going to be a fantastic year and no man and no man's text message will deter me.
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