Merry Go Round

My heart has resembled a merry-go-round lately - up and down, up and down. Today was down but nothing I didn't anticipate. It's just a typical outcome in my typically abysmal love life.


And it's not the best time of year for me. I think I have had two Christmases with a SO. Yesterday on Christmas I realized that on one side of my family, I am the only grandchild over the age of 20 without a SO...and that's out of roughly a dozen. That was pretty disheartening and has dampened my holiday spirit a bit.


But I did go for a nice long run today and decided to register for a half-marathon in the spring and put a deposit down on an adventure trip this year. It's time to do things for me and to make my heart feel better.


Hope you all had a very merry Christmas.

The Cave

If you know what I'm talking about when I refer to this phrase, read on. If not, it probably won't matter to you.


Apparently this is a guy thing - they go into The Cave when trying to solve problems. I'm not sure if that's what is happening in my current situation or if it's something else (John Gray calls it Rubberbanding). This seems to have happened each time I have seen the current man. We hang out, have a great time and then I leave and he doesn't call for a few weeks. We might chat online but that's it. Then he calls, we set a new date, he calls more frequently as the visit approaches until we see each other again.


Of course this is just an observation and may not hold up this time. He simply may not call again and we may not set another date to visit. We never made any firm plans for another visit and we may have broken some boundaries on this one. I do wonder if we got too close and it made him uncomfortable..it's possible. Our history is a checkered one to say the least and I wonder if we can overcome past experiences. I hope so but I guess time will be the best indicator.


In the meantime, I am trying to date and keep my options open. Love is a complicated bitch.

Five by Five

I haven't posted one of these recently so I stole it from Christine. Thanks!


Five items in my freezer

- orange sherbert (my FAVE!)

- crappy Totino's pizzas..my roommates as I do not eat that crap

- veggie burgers

- fake sausage links

- a big ole turkey - again, my roommates


Five items in my bedroom closet (aka one of my TWO walk-ins!)

- sweatshirts

- shoes, shoes, shoes..a wall of shoes

- all of my clothes

- a bag of Xmas gifts

- my jewelry


Five items in the car

- used water bottles

- a couple of CDS in my CD holder

- a nice red sweater

- a yoga mat

- a peacoat


Five items in my purse

- two or three chapsticks (I am an addict)

- my wallet

- radio faceplate

- cell phone

- keys

Those were the cars I got to drive

Yes I was mildly pampered to say the least. The Audi makes my Rav4 feel like a piece of s**t. A 4 cyclinder engine is nothing compared to these gorgeous machines. Yeah I took the Audi up to 80 and if you know me, that's damn fast. I don't speed. And there truly is no place off limits with a Rover. I don't care what anyone says about Hummers (well I think it's really just their ad agency talking), nothing beats a Rover. Rover Time!

Did I Mention?

Loooonnnnngggg weekend

Well I am sitting in the Phoenix Sky Harbor Int'l Airport - 2nd time I've been here in less than 24 hrs. I missed my flight last night and was supposed to sit stand-by to get back to Denver. But lucky me, they found an empty seat and I'm going home on the 8am.


My weekend was spectacular to the say the least. Thursday night when I arrived we went to dinner with a few of G's friends at a local brewery. There was much boy conversation about off-roading, vehicle maintenance (of the off-roading variety) and other boy-type talk. It was a lot of fun. I love to see men in their natural conversational settings - it is great insight into their minds. They are so different than girls. This is what a girl conversation would be like: work, men, sex, work, men and more sex. Guys have similar discussions but they are still quite different in specifics (women will dissect every single word spoken on a date and men will not.


Friday G went to work and I slept in after we ran 6 miles. He ran them fast with a friend and it took me an hour and 10 min. (Very sad time I know!) I ran an errand for the off-roading, did a little bit of work and packed up for Sedona. We left Phoenix late (as is the usual style of G) and arrived at the luxurious Sedona Rouge about 9pm. We had dinner at a nearby brewery (beer was a big theme this weekend). I had one of the best Hefeweizens I've ever had in my entire life..and I am a lover of the Hefes to say the least.


Saturday we awoke early (NOT my favorite thing to do), grabbed some breakfast and equipped the Rover for the day's expedition. It was fun! I wasn't entirely sure I'd enjoy off-roading but I did. I did drive for a bit but mainly G drove. A few of his friends joined us in their Jeeps. We picnicked (is that a word??) in a scenic spot (where isn't there a scenic spot in Sedona??!). It was a gorgeous day to spend outside.


After the off-roading we went home to nap and get ready for a night out. We went to a local Mexican place that was quite good. Sedona hosts a Festival of Lights every year and after eating we grabbed some hot cocoa and set off to enjoy them. They were very nice although the themes were a bit odd! There didn't seem to be any rhyme or reason - every home that participated used whatever theme they wanted to so some overlapped or were very similar. Still, it was nice. We went to a quiet place further up a foothill after and enjoyed the stars (while we froze - it was chilly there!).


Sunday we slept in, grabbed some breakfast after G fixed some things on the Rover. It was shutting off for no reason - the entire car would shut off while you were driving. Not quite what you'd like your car to do so I was very appreciative that he solved that problem.


After breakfast we drove to Flagstaff - even higher in elevation than Sedona so it was quite cold and tree-lined. We drove down some old dirt roads to an underground cave and hiked back into it for an hour. It was very cool!


After a beer at a local pub (I told you beer was a theme), we drove a very long 2 hrs back to Phoenix, grabbed some take-out and watched a movie or two.


Monday was similar to Friday - G went to work, I slept in and did a bit of work while I waited for him to get home. We went for sushi and he showed me his offices. Sushi took longer than we anticipated and we got into a great discussion about why some people are more successful than others (we are two studies in contrast - G makes a considerable amount of money and I make very little). Before we knew it, it was 8:30 - the time my plane was boarding!


We flew to the airport in his gorgeous Audi but I didn't make it in time. So back home we went and got ready for an incredibly early day. I have been awake since 4am and am not pleased about it. He left for Vegas at 7 and I'm leaving for Denver at 8am.


No concrete plans to do it again - just tentative. We'd both like to see each other so hopefully it will happen after the holidays.


My plane is boarding so I am off!

Dating

Anyone who knows me is aware of one fact: I HATE dating. I abhor it. I avoid it. In fact, I typically run screaming in the other direction whenever someone mentions a potential dating-type scenario or situation.


But I've decided all that must change. I have been single for far too long and it must be my fault. So I am busting down the dating door and getting back out there. I don't really want to and I still hate the thought of it but it seems I must venture forth.


So how will I accomplish this new goal or task I've chosen? Any way possible. I've agreed to let a friend introduce me to her ex-boyfriend's friends (weird I know), I'll meet men online or randomly in the grocery store (does that actually happen? People talk about it like it does but I've not heard one story begin with "we met in the express check-out lane"). By whatever means necessary, I'll start dating again.


You may be asking yourself where is her sudden interest in dating coming from? Here and there, random events, long lonely bitter cold nights, etc. And one other source: an unidentified situation with an X. I have no clue if we are any more than we have been in the past but we are venturing into our third get-together next week. That is the most we have seen each other in the last 10 years.


It sounds weird to try to date when I don't have that situation figured it out but it seems to work to my advantage to keep my options open. Every time I don't do that, I end up with no options. So what's a girl to do? Plan ahead, take initative, grab the bull by the horns, get back in the saddle..anything but tread water while looking into the murky depths of the X.


It certainly isn't that I wouldn't get back together with him, I would. I think he is an amazing person and I love having in my life. As a partner, I would be thrilled. But I'm not sure he wants that with me. At least not if the past is at all indicative of future events. Of course this is the first time in those 10 years that he has been truly single. Not living with anyone, not married, not separated, not dealing with a divorce..plain old single.


So I will do my best to keep my options open and not just tread murky, unknown waters.

Another Get-to-Know Me Post

Name: Lara and that's all you get - this is the Internet folks

Birthday: May and that's all you get

Birthplace: Midwest

Current Location: Denver, CO

Eye Color: blue baby

Hair Color: dirty blonde

Height: 5'1"

Right Handed or Left Handed: right

Your Heritage: German

The Shoes You Wore Today: my Strawberry Shortcake hot pank slippers baby..gonna put on my running shoes in a min to go work out

Your Weakness: men

Your Fears: men..just kidding..dying alone, never marrying, giving up on myself & my dreams

Your Perfect Pizza: Orv's cheese or Nicolo's cheese with black olives & peppers

Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: earn a grand a month through writing on a steady basis, fall in love with the right man, get the heck out of this country for a few weeks

Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: What up?

Thoughts First Waking Up: oh heavens..another 10 minutes please

Your Best Physical Features: my eyes, my heart, my soul, my smile

Your Bedtime: when I can't keep my eyes open - usually between 11pm and 1am

Your Most Missed Memory: my dog BoJo and my grandpa and seeing my siblings as babies!!!

Pepsi or Coke: Coke - cherry

MacDonalds or Burger King: YUCK! Absolute crap - both of 'em.

Single or Group Dates: huh? what does that mean? I don't date.

Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton

Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate I am a single woman after all - what kind of lunatic would ask that question??

Cappuccino or Coffee: coffee with creamer or cappuccino..like mochas best

Do you Smoke: absolutely not

Do you Swear: absolutely

Do you Sing: yes..does anyone enjoy it? I doubt it.

Do you Shower Daily: nope..every other because Denver is too dry and messes up my Ph-balance

Have you Been in Love: yes..somedays I feel that is unfortunate

Do you want to go to College: already been there, done that

Do you want to get Married: to the right man..otherwise count me out!

Do you believe in yourself: certainly

?Do you get Motion Sickness: yep - gotta sit in the front seat or the middle seat of the back rows in any car

Do you think you are Attractive: certainly

Are you a Health Freak: that is a relative phrase

Do you get along with your Parents: sure do - love 'em

Do you like Thunderstorms: love 'em!!!

Do you play an Instrument: not really

In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: sure

In the past month have you Smoked: no..HATE IT

In the past month have you been on Drugs: caffeine and alcohol..that's it

In the past month have you gone on a Date: um, define date exactly..maybe. Do X's count? I guess that was more than a month ago...

In the past month have you gone to a Mall: ugh, I HATE malls

In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: I have drooled over the box but haven't actually purchased it. Now that you say that I may go out and buy some..thanks. :\

In the past month have you eaten Sushi: sadly no :(

In the past month have you been on Stage: just in my nightmares

In the past month have you been Dumped: ah, not really

In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: sadly no but perhaps I can change that when I take my trip next week

In the past month have you Stolen Anything: nope

Ever been Drunk: yep a do

Ever been called a Tease: oh yes and I am..but only in a good way

Ever been Beaten up: Never

Ever Shoplifted: yep..as a teen

How do you want to Die: on a mountain somewhere after having told every single person how I feel about them

What do you want to be when you Grow Up: Me but richer

What country would you most like to Visit: Just one? How about the Phillipines, New Zealand, Australia, the Fiji Islands, Micronesia, Cook Islands, Spain, Egypt, Morocco, Ethiopia, Zimbabwe, Ireland, Austria, Switzerland, the Yukon, Vancouver (ok Canada), any South American or Central American country..see,I can't choose just one.

Number of things in my Past I Regret: I guess if we never regret things we don't learn do we? I regret a few things but they are too personal to share here.

Check me out!

A recent photo at my friend Sean's dinner.

Holiday Gratitude

If you've been reading my posts over the last month you'll undoubtedly have noted my melancholy. Some of it has been situations in my life and some of it has been related to the holidays. Every year for the past 6 years I have been single during the holidays. (Ok last year I hadn't completely ended things with my now X but we were basically over). And every single year I have hated it and hoped for that to change by the following year.


So this time I've decided to not focus on being alone but to focus on thinking in terms of already having a relationship. I'm not sure how best to describe it but it's more of a mindset. I'm holding the feeling of happiness and being in love in my heart instead of the longing I usually feel when I think about my current state.


So in the spirit of the holidays I am going to be grateful when I go home in a few weeks. I'm going to be grateful for dozen+ kids I know under the age of 4 (I'm not lying...it's somewhere around 13 or 14 crumbmunchers); for all the newlyweds, newly engaged and long-time married couples I know (who better to learn from right?!). I won't fret over my lack of boyfriend, fiance or husband...at least not today! :)

I Was Wrong

Apparently a pint of butter pecan can help..slightly. At least until the sugar high wears off.


But the boys still know where I am if they want me.

I'm Officially Done

Done with men - done trying, done thinking about, done trying to understand them. I know one thing to be true and it is this: if a man doesn't make an effort to see you, talk to you and generally get to know you intimately..he's not interested. And if you ever doubt his interest, you're right. It's not there.


I know this from experience and plenty of heartaches..chalk the last one up to the same. I should've listened to my inner voice several weeks ago and let it go. But I didn't so instead of crying then I'm crying now. And I'm letting it go.


But the nagging question as always is - why? Why don't the men I'm interested in return my interest? In 6.5 years one man has done this (this doesn't include several men who weren't single). I have no idea. I wish I knew. I wish my heart truly believed there was at least one more chance for love but it doesn't. I would welcome the chance to explore that possibility with a wonderful man but he isn't coming around so I'm putting that hope away...maybe I should put it in what my mom calls my "hopeless chest". Who knew she'd be so right?


I'm exhausted, my cold is not gone and I hurt all over..whether that is from emotional aches or physical ailments I don't know. But I'm done. I've had it.


Even chocolate can't fix this one and you know that's serious.

Ho-Hum

That pretty much summarizes my energy level the last week or two. Yes I've had a cold which is just about gone but I've also had very little work. Two of my main clients have slipped away without notice or reason and that has left me short on funds. I spent most of last week temping at a PR firm. I must admit I was tempted to interview for a writer/editor job they have open; they even asked me if I was interested. But I hate cubicles and hate having a boss (besides my current one...she's pretty cool...I'm talking about me silly people) . I do believe I can make it as a writer - I'm a good copywriter and I enjoy it. I just don't have a lot of clips right now nor a solid marketing strategy. Both of those will be remedied in time..I just have to make things work til then.


Unfortunately the holidays are fast approaching and I have to find a way to pay for all of those related items and events til then. Here's hoping more work comes my way! Keep your fingers crossed for me. :)

Men

I have no clue when it comes to men. Magazines tell us they are simple creatures: beer, breasts and beef. Perhaps that's true but some men are a bit more complicated than that. Some men actually have feelings and I seem to have a way of stepping on them without every intending to.


I cannot read men very well and often misinterpret their signals and their communcations. I'm never sure if they are actually interested in me, just my chest or if they simply think I'm just another cute girl they know and are friends with. Most of the time I err on the side of caution and assume he's not interested. And I'm usually right...he's not. But every now & again I get my hopes up ...only to have them squashed. And that's ok, I'm a big girl and I can pick up the pieces and take care of myself.


But what if there was something I could do to prevent that? I wish I knew what I've been doing in the past because I seem to mess up everything that comes my way. Perhaps one day I'll get my shit together and figure things out. Til then I'm just me and I'm trying to understand.

Well I Should Shut My Mouth

And my brain apparently. This is an interesting blog entry that certainly smacked my negative thoughts upside themselves.

It lists a fantastic quote I shall keep in mind every day:


"Coming empty-handed, going empty-handed -- that is human.

When you are born, Where do you come from?

When you die, where do you go?"


- Zen Master Seung Sahn


Definitely words to live by.

Why Do I Bother?

I feel like the same questions have plagued me for the last several years so my question is why do I bother? Why do I even care? I feel like my efforts are either thwarted or go unnoticed by the cosmos. I take chances in love, in my career but for what? There's no pay-off. I've gotten nothing out of it. I'm still alone and broke..just like I was 6 years ago. At least 6 years ago I had a modicum of hope and faith. I can't say the same today.


It isn't so much that I've lost hope or faith in love, I've just stop pondering their existence. They seem to work for others but I've had enough. I've stopped wondering what my life could be like with a partner. All I do is focus on my life with me and how I can make it better. I don't truly expect to share it with anyone, ever.


I wouldn't say I feel those things because I'm feeling sorry for myself (not generally but today, yes, I am sick and acting like a spoiled brat because of it) but more because I think in terms of reality. And what has my reality been of late? No dates, ex-boyfriends who only want to see me when it's convenient for them and men who aren't interested in me. And frankly who wants to think of their future in terms of that?? Not me.


I'm not so sure marriage is going to happen for me nor children. And how I'll ever earn more than $20,000 a year also seems to be out of reach. So if my life continues on this path despite my best efforts, in 10 years you will find me camped at the base of Everest with crampons and pick axe in hand along with a few sherpas at my disposal. And for a few exhilarating days I will feel alive...more so than I have for years.

Friday Fun Facts

Since Halloween is fast upon us and it is my favorite holiday (yes I love Christmas too but for very different reasons none of which involve presents except maybe the giving of them), here are some fun Halloween facts for you!


Halloween was brought to America by European immigrants.


Tootsie Rolls were the first wrapped penny candy.


Every year we spend about $2 million on Halloween candy!


Halloween is second only to Christmas in terms of retail sales.


In 1962, the Count Dracula Society was formed.


Gargoyles are believed to ward off evil spirits and guard the home.


Halloween falls on October 31st which is the end of the Celtic year. Halloween is rooted in Celtic lore. It is called All Hallows Eve and is over 2,000 years old.


Hope you enjoyed fun facts on Friday! Happy Halloween y'all.

Alone

I hate being alone. I've lived with it for the last 6 years or so and I'm pretty tired of it. I've embraced it as best as I can and I enjoy certainly aspects of being on my own. But overall, I'm tired of constantly doing everything by myself and having no one to talk to on a regular basis. I have no one to share my everyday highlights with.


The reason I feel this way at this particular moment in time? I've seen a particular ex-boyfriend twice in the last month. He's the only X I would've ever considered as my soulmate. He was my first true love and even though we have maintained a friendship over the last 11 years, he still gets to me.


Unlike most men, I genuinely enjoy his company. He's a nice guy, he's interesting and intelligent, he treats me well & we have fun together. The kicker? He doesn't want to commit to me; I don't think he ever has. I have no clue why really because he doesn't have "commitment issues" with other women..just me. So when I do see him it brings back a lot of feelings and makes me question many things like why we've never gotten back together, what it might be like if we did and why I even bother thinking about these things at all.


But the hardest part of seeing him is the aftermath. It seems to conveniently fall around the time I have PMS so my accessibility to tears is higher than average (ahh, I cry easily is what I mean) and my overall sensitivity is terribly high. I feel alone and quite sad after we part. There's never an easy way to just get over this; I just have to let the emotions come & go which they usually do in a matter of days.


There really is no purpose to this blog..I'm just venting and killing time before my plane leaves for Denver. And considering the snowfall they've gotten of late, I may be waiting awhile. Wish me safe travels!!!

On Being 30 and Single

I'm almost mid-way through my 30th year on this planet and recently I was remembering how difficult it is to be over 27, single and living in the Midwest. Thankfully I don't live there anymore and don't have the worries I did before moving away. There was quite a bit of media coverage given to the most recent census on US households. It turns out more of us are single than married!


I've wondered why that may be. Personally I'd trade in my singles card for the married sort given the right man in the right circumstances (I seem to have a history of finding potential "right men" at very, very wrong times...I'll let you decide if you think they may not have been "right" at all given that fact). But it seems I am in the minority - or the rest of America is still waiting for their "Mr/Ms Right at the Right Time".


So why do so many of us want to stay single? A good number of us live together but haven't (or don't want to get) married. Is it because of our ridiculously high divorce rate? Did too many of us grow up in blended families with more stepmoms and stepdads then we could count? Or is it simply that women don't need men for financial support like we used to (even though we still make roughly 30 cents less on the dollar than men...but that's for another post)? Or perhaps it's some quirky combination of all of them.


I wish I had an answer but I don't. Since moving to Colorado, I've garnered a group of friends both male and female. And the great majority of us are single or at least not living with our significant other. And all of us want to be married and committed...and all of us are over 30. Some of my friends are in their late 30s or even 40s. But not one of us would trade in being single for being married to just anyone. Could that be a key component of these findings? Are we looking for that perfect match? Is there a perfect match? And if there is a perfect match, how do we know when we find them? Does that perfect match change as we grow older? And if it does, how can we ever be certain we have found our perfect match?


A few of my friends here are divorced but all are hopeful of finding that lifelong partner. I've never married and have never lived with a significant other. In all honesty, I felt like a failure in that regard when I was living in the Midwest. I have cousin upon cousin who married, had children, settled down...the whole lot. And they are all younger than me. There's nothing quite like family gatherings and holidays surrounded by dozens of cousins and their spouses and their babies and toddlers. And every year that number of married couples and babies just increases..almost exponentially it would seem. It's one of the most isolating and truly lonely experiences I've had to endure. It was painful enough to force me to make the biggest change in my life ever: uproot my entire existence and move to a different part of the country, some 800 miles away from my close-knit family.


Whenever my mother gets upset that I don't live close to home, I remind her of that simple fact. I tell her I left to find a husband and to give her grandchildren one day. So hang in there Mom, I'm trying. Perhaps the rest of America is too and that's why so many of us are single today.

Paypal Sucks

We've all tried to reach the customer service departments of our multitude of credit card companies, cell phone providers and bank institutions. Currently I'm holding with Paypal. I can't even go into the myriad of trillions of reasons I bloody HATE PAYPAL. The web site won't let me change my address (I recently moved...for the 8th time in 2 years..that's not an exaggeration folks. The address book makers adore me and all of my friends hate me for the same reason). I can't confirm my new address because I don't have a landline and I'm not at any of the old addresses they have on file. I've been passed around between Customer Service, the Resolutions Department (who knew they couldn't resolve something in the one department designed just for that - resolutions??) and now I'm back to the Customer Service Department. The CS people are in the process of passing me off yet again to the Resolutions Department.


Now I understand they must run a very secure site..hell I want them to because I've got bank accounts and credit card info on it. But how many of us today have landline phone numbers? A good majority of folks today have only cell phones. I live and die with mine. So why not update this one little blip? Why must I spend 45 minutes explaining my predicament to 5 different people? Paypal serves a purpose and for the most part it does it pretty well. But after the hoops I've had to run through to simply change my bleepin' address, I curse it! And I will never allow clients to pay me through Paypal EVER EVER again.


Wish me luck- I'm still holding.

7 on Saturday

Since this is my blog, I'm allowed to be self-absorbed so here's another list all about me. :)


7 Things You May Not Know About Me:


1.) I have a heart murmur. Yep, I have to take meds for it whenever I have any dental work done or if I ever get an infection because the germs can get directly into my bloodstream and injure my heart. Know you know why I'm a bit nervous about giving birth!


2.) I have 7 siblings. 7. It's complicated but I really only grew up with two of them and I consider them my family.


3.) I was raised by my dad & basically lived as an only child til I was 11. I still have some selfish-only-child moments..like when it comes to sharing dessert!


4.) I had a German Shepherd/Siberian Husky mix dog as a child. His name was BoJo and he was a sweetheart.


5.) When I was a child, I wanted to be an archaeologist, a psychologist, a teacher, a rock singer, a baseball TV or radio announcer, a forensic psychiatrist and a writer. Today, I'm the writer.


6.) I've only broken one bone in my body: my ankle bone. It's still cracked today. But at least it works!!! Thanks to the miracle of physical therapy.


7.) My first kiss was at the age of 15. And the rest we'll save for another day!!

On being short...

Living in the land of non-short folks has some disadvantages. I top out at 5'1" (on a tall day) and there are some side effects to my limited stature. One of those became apparent today at Kmart when I tried to reach for something on the top aisle. So here are my five reasons being short sucks:


1. You can't reach a damn thing at the supermarket/department store/any other store not built for midgets. It's true, I took up rock climbing just so I could contort my body to reach those 3rd and 4th shelves.

2. No pants fit your tiny legs. Petite size my ass. Have you ever looked at stuff in the Petite Dept? It's made for little ole blue-haired ladies over 85. There isn't a damn thing in there for a sexy woman like me.

3. No one can find you in a crowd - at least not without neon-colored clothing or your own personal bullhorn.

4. You get stepped on and pushed around in those same crowds. Nothing is worse than being small, being stepped on and being pushed around by people who are bigger than you (which seems to be anyone over the age 12).

5. And the fifth reason? Most of the men you are interested in are at least 6 feet tall...and like tall chicks.

ME

:) I love these quizzes so here's another one.


1. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR KITCHEN PLATES? My plates are currently in a box somewhere in my living room-I'm moving tomorrow-but last I saw them (13 months ago), they were white.


2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? A book about speed reading people (body language) and a fiction novel about a woman who is pregnant by her married lover.


3. WHAT’S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Don't have one!


4. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Does strip Twister count? If not, Chutes & Ladders, Monopoly, Candyland and Trivial Pursuit.


5. FAVORITE MAGAZINES? I don't buy any...but I like some of the girlie ones like Cosmo and Glamour. I also like Writers Digest, and Real Simple.


6. LEAST FAVORITE SMELL? My roommate's dog - she doesn't seem to clean up after him very well.


7. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? Um, I usually think about rolling over again and snuggling back under the covers for a few minutes. Then I think I should get up and check my email.


8. FAVORITE COLOR? dark blue, purple, grey, deep brown and maroon.


9. LEAST FAVORTIE COLOR? hot pink...of the spandex variety


10. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? Depends who it is and if I recognize the number.
11. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME. No clue - I'd rather discuss that with my husband when I'm pregnant.


12. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE? Love, respect, friendship and understanding.


13. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Chocolate baby...chocolate. If you remember nothing else about me, remember that.


14. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? Depends on the car I'm driving and how fast we're talking.


15. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? Yep - two of 'em...my teddy bear named Henry and a small stuffed Goofy my brother gave me.


16. STORMS - COOL OR SCARY? Love 'em...as long as there are no tornadoes involved.


17. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST Oldsmobile I think...


18. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE WHO WOULD IT BE? Wow, fascinating question. Can I say Jesus or Muhammad? Maybe Babe Ruth too or Lou Gehrig.


19. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? ILots - cranberry and vodka, wheat beers, German Rieslings, greyhounds, sake, Patron tequila.


20. WHAT IS YOUR SIGN & BIRTHDAY? My birthday is May 17 and my sign is Taurus with lots of Capricorn in my chart.


21. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB WHAT WOULD IT BE? I'd travel and I'd write and probably paint, make pottery, save the rainforests and heal sick children. Is there a job like that? No? Ok, I'll do it sans a job.


22. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY COLOR HAIR, WHAT WOULD IT BE? A lighter blonde shade then what I have now - maybe some strawberry highlights tossed in for good measure.


23. NUMBER OF SIBLINGS YOU HAVE: Technically 7 but just two really..it's complicated.


24. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE? Most definitely.


25. FAVORITE MOVIE? Wow, there are lots. Princess Bride, Bull Durham, Shawshank Redemption, Dogma, Harold & Kumar, The Notebook, etc. There are too many to list here.


26. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? Yep a do.


27. WHAT’S UNDER YOUR BED? Nothing today - it's all sitting in my living room waiting to be packed up and moved. YAY!!!!


28. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 17, 7 and 9.

29. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? In person? Baseball, soccer & football. On TV during the month of March, college hoops. Otherwise I only catch an occasional football game on TV.


30. WHAT IS YOUR SINGLE BIGGEST FEAR? Not fulfilling my potential and any harm coming to my brother and sister.


31. FAVORITE CD? Probably my Prince triple disc greatest hits but again, it's hard to pick just one. John Mayer's Room for Squares is up there too.


35. KETCHUP OR MUSTARD? Catsup..learn to spell.


36. HAMBURGER OR HOTDOG? Neither unless they are the tofu variety.


37. FAVORITE SOFT DRINK? Several: Mtn. Dew, Sun-Drop, Cherry Coke and Coke in a bottle.


38. THE BEST PLACES YOU HAVE EVER BEEN? Hmm..lots of places but anywhere with a gorgeous sunset, a warm blanket and a handsome man.


39. WHAT SCREEN SAVER IS ON YOUR COMPUTER RIGHT NOW? Some standard screensaver - I can't get any other ones to work.


40. BURGER KING OR MCDONALDS? I don't really eat at those places. If it's gotta be fast food, it's either Quizno's, Taco Bell or something that isn't completely meat-based in its offerings.


41. SOMETHING YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE? Lots!!! Publish my book, invest in a few pieces of real estate, live off of passive income, climb a mountain, finish a couple of 14ers, hike the rainforests, fall madly and passionately in love and marry him, have a couple of kids, learn to tango, donate a million dollars to Oprah's Angel Network, travel to Micronesia, Hawaii, Belize, Argentina, Costa Rica, Guatemala, Nepal, the Caribbean, Spain, England, Portugal, Scotland, Chile, Peru, the Cook Islands, Ethiopia, South Africa, Egypt, Morocco, Japan, China (to see Giant Pandas!!!)..and pretty much every other place out there except Oklahoma, the Dakotas and Texas. Lots and lots and lots of things!

Friday Five

1. What was your biggest accomplishment this year? Well the year's not over but I'd have to put getting fired on the top five things I've done this year. -smirk- In all seriousness, my biggest accomplishment this year has been starting my business and getting new clients. It's been a dream of mine for awhile and it's now a reality. And finishing the first draft of my Maww book was pretty big too!


2. What was your biggest disappointment? Huh..not sure. I guess not being able to leave my job on my terms. It has definitely worked out for the best though so I choose not to dwell on it.


3. Will you be making any New Year's resolutions? Christ no, I hate those things. I don't believe in resolutions - I believe in change. If you need a reason to change something, YOU should be reason enough.


4. Where will you be at midnight? I hate midnight of NYE unless I have a boy to kiss. Otherwise, I'd rather be asleep or on a dance floor somewhere completely intoxicated.


5. Aside from (possibly) staying up late, do you have any other New Year's traditions? Not really - for several years I spent it with friends from college and last year I spent it with Colorado friends in Estes Park.

Inconsiderate

There are many things in this world I can tolerate - whiney pop stars, the layer of smog over Denver, crappy drivers and people who can't manage their children and then put themselves on TV for all the world to see (why the F would you want the world to know what a shitty parent you are? You should be burying your head in the sand..and your child's head too for that matter because no one wants to be around your snot-nosed ill-mannered devil spawn). I can tolerate that shit...barely.


But I have come to one conclusion this weekend about what I cannot tolerate: inconsiderate people of this world. Currently there are two of them in my life. One is a former friend who has consistently stood me up for evenings out over the last two months. She stood me up twice this weekend. That's the last time that will happen.


The other is my roommate. She has a new puppy. There was never any mention of a possibility of a dog in my apartment. There was no discussion about how I might feel having a 5 pound mutt shitting and pissing all over my place of domicile. No thoughts about how much I HATE smelling like a dog and picking dog hair off of everything I own. None of that.


Personally I do love dogs. But there's a reason I don't have one right now. And honestly there's no reason for my roommate to have one. We're talking about the girl who can't put her damn dirty dishes in the dishwasher until they are smelly and growing bacterial cultures. How the fuck does she think she's going to care for a dog? Not very well that's how. Which is exactly why I am convinced there will be piss on the floor and dogshit around every corner...and that is why I'm angry. If she could take care of it and not bother me with any of it, that would be just fine and dandy. But I'm 98% sure it's not going to go down that way.


And this appears to be a co-purchase with her infant boyfriend (I call anyone between the ages of 18-23 an infant..if you are 24-26 you're a toddler...27-29 is a tween and 30-34 is a teen). Brilliant idea - I'm sure they thought it would be good preparation for when they have children. Again, brilliant.


Who wants to lay bets they'll be on one of those goddamn awful parenting reality TV shows in the next 5 years? Heaven help me to get out of this place.

This is so me..

Except for the angry part...

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will have a few true loves. You're a little scarred from your past relationships, but who isn't? You expect a lot from your lover - you want the full package. You tend to be very picky. In fights, you speak your mind and don't hold back. You know you're right, and you can get quite angry about it. A break-up usually comes as a shock to you. You always think things are going well.

Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

Not so sure about this one though...

You Should Drive a Bentley Azure

You're all flash, and you love to show off to anyone who will watch. And you're such a high roller, this is just one car of many for you...

What 2007 Car Should You Drive?

This however is SO me...

Your Aura is Blue

Spiritual and calm, you tend to live a quiet but enriching life. You are very giving of yourself. And it's hard for you to let go of relationships. The purpose of your life: showing love to other people Famous blues include: Angelina Jolie, the Dali Lama, Oprah Careers for you to try: Psychic, Peace Corps Volunteer, Counselor

What Color Is Your Aura?

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are very passionate and quite temperamental. While you can be moody, you always crave comfort. You are a very grounded, responsible, and realistic person. People may not want to hear the truth from you, but they're going to get it. You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself. Your near future is still unknown, and a little scary. You'll get through wild times - and you'll textually enjoy it. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

Hopefully this is me ;)...

Your Kissing Technique Is: Perfect

Your kissing technique is amazing - and you know it. You have the confidence to make the first move. And you always seem to know what kissing style is going to work best. Sometimes you're passionate, sometimes you're a tease. And you're always amazing!

Are You a Good Kisser?

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person. You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily. Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend. Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart. In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

This I LOVE!

Your Fortune Is

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

The Wacky Fortune Cookie Generator

More Fun Quizzes

What can I say, I got stood up for brunch..by the same person who stood me up Friday night. Why she thinks she is a friend of mine is beyond me. Perhaps because I let her eh?! No more of that!!

Your Porn Star Name Is...

Luscious Lolita

What's Your Porn Star Name?

Your Heart Is Blue

Love is a doing word for you. You know it's love when you treat each other well. You are a giving lover, but you don't give too much. You expect something in return. Your flirting style: Friendly Your lucky first date: Lunch at an outdoor cafe Your dream lover: Is both generous and selfish What you bring to relationships: Loyalty

What Color Heart Do You Have?

Your Love Style is Storge

For you, love and friendship are almost the same thing And your love tends to be the enduring, long lasting kind (You've been known to still have connections with exes) But sometimes your love is not the most passionate Leap before you look, and you'll find that fire you crave

What's Your Love Style?

Your Kissing Purity Score: 46% Pure

You're not one to kiss and tell... But word is, you kiss pretty well.

Kissing Purity Test

You Are The Lovers

You represent ideal love: innocence, trust, exhilaration and joy. You demonstrate the harmony of opposites, two sides coming together. At times, you also represent the struggle between what is right and what is tempting. Control is an issue for you, especially when you don't know your reasons for choosing something. Your fortune: You have an important choice you need to make about love, and it will be a difficult choice to make. You are likely struggling between the love you crave and the love that is right. In the end, you will choose what you crave, even if it's bad for you. Because without what you crave, you will feel empty and incomplete.

What Tarot Card Are You?

Clearly I Have Problems

I love these stupid things...and I seem to have acquired ADD in recent years. I can't just watch TV (football today) and sit on my ass. I have to be doing something else! Today, it's quizzes..even though I do have work to do. :)

You Are 43% Passionate, 57% Compassionate

You possess an ideal balance of passion and compassion. You definitely can get swept away and lose your head a little. But you're rarely a fool for love!

Is Your Love Style Passionate or Compassionate?

Your Stripper Song Is

She Wants to Move by N.E.R.D. "Her off beat dance makes me fantasize (Her curves) She's sexy!!" You are 100% sex appeal. As simple as that.

What Song Should You Strip To?

What Your Underwear Says About You

You're a total rebel who doesn't conform to any rules. P.S. - It's a jungle down there! You're also way too lazy to do your laundry more than a few times a year.

The Underwear Oracle

Woo hoo!

Here are more fun quiz thingies:

You Should Be a Romance Novelist

You see the world as it should be, and this goes double for all matters of the heart. You can find the romance in any situation, and you would make a talented romance story writer... And while you may be a traditional romantic, you're just as likely to be drawn to quirky or dark love stories. As long as it deals with infatuation, heartbreak, and soulmates - you could write it.

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

Personality Quizzes

Let's see if I can actually make this work!

You Are A Chestnut Tree

You are a born diplomat with a well developed sense of justice. And even though you're impressive and intimidating, you're also fun to be around. You can be irritated easily, and you sometimes act superior. Nevertheless, you are sensitive of others feelings and very loyal. Sometimes you feel misunderstood and are fiercely close to those who know you best.

What's Your Celtic Horoscope?

Three for Thursday

I was reading an article about something called the "monkey mind". Basically it is a state of mind where we constantly compare ourselves to others and criticize ourselves for not being absolutely perfect at everything.


I suffer from this thought process in one fashion or another on a regular basis. I don't necessarily compare myself to others - I push myself to constantly do more and be more. While this is good in some moments, I can be overly-critical. Daily I critique myself and what I've "accomplished" in the day. If I go to my temp job, come home and don't start working immediately..my mental nag kicks in. Every day my mental nag finds another thing to nitpick about. And that's not healthy.


So instead of nagging today, I'm going to list my three for Thursdays.


Three Most Beautiful Sights I've Seen


1. Sunset over Key West.

2. My sister walk to the stage at her high school graduation.

3. My brother's smile when I come home for a visit.


Three Most Joyful Moments of My Life


1. The births of my brother & sister.

2. The day I drove to Denver to follow my dreams.

3. Any moment when my mind is quiet and I truly experience the essence of that moment and of existence.

True Love

I've often wondered what keeps two people together in a relationship. The longest I've been with a man was 2 years and that was decades ago (ok, it was only a few years back but it feels like at least a decade ago). I'm a huge fan of Walk the Line, the movie based on Johnny Cash's life. Whenever I feel like giving up on love or settling for less than what my heart truly wants, I watch that movie. Even though I don't get any closer to any answer on life-long love, I do feel better..even inspired.


But here's my big question then - and I may come off as a bitch so forgive me if you don't like it. Nix that, kiss my ass if you don't, you've been warned - what kind of love do most people think they have when they get married? Certainly a Johnny-June Carter Cash doesn't happen to everyone. If it didn't, maybe we wouldn't have so many divorces in our country. (Or maybe people just give up when it gets tough..I don't know). Or then again maybe everyone thinks they have that kind of love but they let it fade as life takes over. I wish I knew.


At a friend's BBQ recently a group of us were discussing living together before marriage. I don't want to do it personally - not unless he & I have agreed we are getting married. Preferably we could move in together after becoming engaged. A few people - both men AND women - argued in favor of living together as a trial run. I strongly disagree with this. If you genuinely love someone how could living together change that? And if it does why the hell didn't you see those traits before? Here's an interesting article on living together negatively affecting marriages.


Maybe I'm naive but I do believe true love between two grown, mature and good persons shouldn't be broken by how the person squeezes their toothpaste, or leaving the toilet seat up and their dirty clothes on the floor. Do those things really matter? And if they do how can you argue that you genuinely love the other person? I don't believe you can but then again, I don't believe in divorce. Yes my parents are split up and it was most definitely for the best. My birth mother has serious issues and both my father and I were better off without her in our lives. But they were both young and not ready for marriage. Maybe this is the case in some divorces but I don't think it holds true for all of them. I do believe people are just plain stupid sometimes. Everyone makes mistakes and I do try not to judge harshly when I hear of yet another couple splitting up. I feel strongly about this but I have also been fortunate enough to get to this point in my life and to come to this belief on my own.


Unlike many children of divorced parents, I have been incredibly blessed to life under the umbrella of a healthy marriage. After 7 years of dating, my stepmom & dad did marry and are quite happy together. They have their disagreements and my dad has his pig-headed moments but overall they love each other. They're still affectionate and loving towards each other. My mom (she is my stepmom but I call her Mom) always says she just knew my dad was the man for her. She knew they would spend their lives together.


And those words my friends give me hope. Personally I've always known when I've loved a man and I've known when there was potential to marry him. Clearly it hasn't worked out or I wouldn't be writing this as a very, very single woman..but that's beside the point!


I suppose the main point is to know yourself and take the time to know your partner. I'm a big fan of Oprah's Twenty Questions to Ask Before You Get Married. Of course I am just a big fan of most anything Oprah-related but there are some very valuable insights to be found in these questions and the answers you both give. Although I've never been close to the matrimonial vows myself I have spent a great deal of time thinking about what I want from myself, from him and from our relationship together. Maybe it's not the perfect recipe for a healthy relationship/marriage but I do see the merit in it and I hope one day I can put it to the test!

Idiots

Well the entire world is full of 'em..we all know this. Whether it's the jackass who drives 20 over the speed limit in the construction zone (saw it yesterday hand to God) or the jerk-off who throws eggs at a building because you don't like the person who lives there (come on, at least graduate to flaming dogshit ok?). Or the moron who can't shut his dog up after 11pm at night - if you can't control your dog, you don't deserve him. If I can show a 100 pound animal who's boss so can you .. because I bet you weigh at least 75 pounds more than I do and you stand a foot taller. So don't let a girl outsmart you, you sissy pants.


If you're reading this, you're probably not one of them (unless you are one of my Xs..then you might be slightly idiotic but do read on).


However my LEAST favorite idiot is the racist. Perhaps you live in the penthouse suites on Broadway & 8th Ave. So what? Maybe you're part of the Cherry Creek Country Club..big fuckin' deal. I'm glad you earn so much you can throw thousands of dollars at white rich snobs who have nothing better to do than pay people to spend time with them. Hooray for fuckin' you. I personally don't have to pay people to be my friend so suck on that.


My point is this: it doesn't matter who you are, where you live, what you drive, what you do for a living or how big your damn house is. Jack asses come in all shapes, sizes, creeds, colors and demographics. I've found racists who make $12,000 a year supposedly "helping" those in need. You can't help people if you don't try to understand them. There are always the members of the all-boys clubs who make more money than I've imagined and they feel threatened talking to a black man.


And then there are the members of the "white flight" suburbs. Yeah, I don't like your philosophies very much. You may not think you are racist and perhaps you aren't...but perhaps your stereotypes are more veiled and hidden. That's what racism has become today - veiled and hidden. It's not better than it was when Dr. King was alive or Malcolm X. It's just better hidden. As a white woman, have you ever walked into a suburban chain restaurant with a black man? I have. And I've seen the narrowed eyes, the blatant stares and even intense dislike. Racism is alive and flourishing in our country and you're naive if you believe otherwise.


I don't pretend to have all the answers. If I did, you can bet your ass I'd be Hilary's campaign manager for the 2008 elections. And we'd WIN. We'd kick ass. But there are things we can all do. How about helping to fix our neighbors instead of running to your cookie cutter neighborhood with "better schools" and a shitload of Wal-Marts nearby? Fine if you want to live where there are good schools for your children, I respect that. But don't turn your back on the city and let it fall to ruin while you shop out of the Pottery Barn catalog. That's why our country has turned to crap people - no one bothers to pitch and help their fellow neighbor. Even if you live in the suburbs or a not-so-metro area, odds are good your neighbors aren't the same race you are. Working together and within our diverse communities is the only way we'll ever overcome racial issues.


All it takes is a little time and concerted efforts from others to improve our community. If everyone in every city around our nation put in an extra hour or two every month we'd make marked improvements. I can say I make the effort - can you?

A Few Things to Add

To the hate list:


I hate people who don't call to cancel their plans with you. It takes 10 seconds to call and say you can't make it. It takes hours for the other person to figure out you aren't going to be around like you said you would. That's not ok to do to someone you call your friend.


My roommate is a consumer. She owns about twice as many things than I do and she continues to buy on weekends. It's nice to know my hard-earned money is going to support her crap-buying habit.


The man who lives above me has no concept of how loud his TV and/or techno music.


I hate the people on my block who don't know how to get their dogs to shut the hell up.


To the Thankful List:


Not much, I'm pretty bitchy right now.

Seven Things I Am Thankful For Today

As a nice opposing piece to what's written below, I submit to you my list of seven things I am appreciative for today, right now.


1. Life.

Every single day is a possibility, a fresh start. For the first time in many, many years I actually enjoy getting out of bed every morning. Yes I only step into my living room to work and I usually do it in my slip or bunny PJ pants. To some that may seem irresponsible or unfocused or whatever, something not quite reputable enough to deserve merit. But I love it. I love working on the variety of projects I have currently. The money is sure to follow.

2. Love.

No not that kind of love. No romantic dates or such of late but just love in general. It's a wonderful thing to be able to love another fellow human being regardless of their feelings for you. Knowing you are capable of loving someone is a feat worth celebrating.

3. Friendships.

New and old. Far and wide. Near and not-so-near. I am happy to have friends. As the cheesy saying goes "Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life." Cutesy but true.

4. My sister.

She's brilliant, beautiful and slightly crazy (but in the best possible way). She's hilarious and I miss her every day. She's going to take over that campus so watch out Viterbo!

5. My brother.

He is wonderful...possibly the best teenage boy on the planet. Although he seems to love video games more than I would've hoped, he is smart, funny and kind. He calls me to ask how I am doing - not many 15 year olds do that. And he lets me hug him in public and tell him I love him. Boys don't do that..but he does. And he's not a sissy pants either. I'd kick your ass in a heartbeat for saying so.

6. Possibilities.

There is a reason Herbie Hancock titled his latest album "Possibilities" (which is a pretty damn good album; you should check it out). Life is one continual possibility and we only need open our eyes and our eyes..most importantly our hearts...to discover what lies around us.

7. Laughter.

Laughter is one of the best things ever. It saves me every day. I try to find the humor in everything that happens. For instance, when my hard drive crashed and the tech told me it would $150 to replace it, I didn't cry. Nope, I laughed. It was absolutely absurd to me that these things would happen to me right now. Of course I did cry a little when I had to add another $100 on to that to upgrade my OS. But there is humor in it..somewhat twisted and sadistic humor but humor nonetheless.

Top Seven Things I Hate About My Life Right Now

I haven't had a bitch-a-thon in awhile. Today I feel the need to vent. Here are the top seven things I hate about my life right now. Don't worry, I'll follow it up with my favorite seven things in a minute.


1. My apartment.

Well the apartment is nice but my bedroom is a dank, dark hole. I am sure prison cells get more light. And my room ain't much bigger than a cell. I HATE it.

2. Ah, money.

Yeah that one is pretty obvious so we won't dwell on it. It will all work out soon I am absolutely positively certain.

3. Being alone so much.

There are days I barely talk to anyone in the flesh. I send emails and emails and emails but don't get many phone calls. Some of my friends return my calls promptly and others are quite busy. It does get lonely.

4. My goddamn car.

Kala is a lovely machine truly but she has 145,000 miles on her (roughly). And she has never enjoyed living in the higher altitude. She hates Colorado..which is unfortunate for her because we aren't moving home so she'll just have to live with it. I think she is punishing me for this because she demanded a new radiator last summer, new shocks & struts are currently in need as is a new exhaust manifold thingie (whatever the hell that is). She is acting like a spoiled brat. (Kala is the name of my car for those of you who didn't know or who weren't clever enough to figure that out).

5. Being in Colorado.

Ok that isn't what it seems at first glance. You must understand my sister entered college on Friday. It was her first day and I couldn't be there. How much does that suck? Yep, a lot. Being an older sister is a role in which I should be there for her through everything - first day of school (I was home for her first day of elementary school), first birthday (that's a story best told when I've been listening to She Wants Revenge too damn much), first date, first heartbreak (so I could kick his ass), etc. I am disappointed that I was not there to be with her. And to help my mom who is going to experience Empty Nest Syndrome even though my brother is still living at home. So yes I love Colorado but would've preferred to have been in Wisconsin this past week.

6. Not being where I would like to be.

I'm not the most patient person in the world - most definitely not patient with myself. Daily I remind myself that live is a continual journey that should be enjoyed every step of the way. It is not a sprint, it is not a dash to the finish line. In fact, there is no finish line. There is only tomorrow. I guess the only real thing I would change in respect to this is my finances. A steady flow of money would be good right now. (See yesterday's entry about my f'in laptop and you'll understand).

7. Having 7 things to list!

I should just get over it and focus on the good stuff! So that is what I'm going to do - list 7 things I am grateful for today.

Randomness

Randomness is for the ambling you are about to read. I have no discernible rhyme or reason for my observations today, they are just thoughts flying about randomly.


Today I was walking back from a short trip to the Queen Soopers in my 'hood when I a bug flew directly into my forehead. It stung like a MFer. When I got home, I checked my forehead and sure enough it had literally stung me. Twice. I now have two oversized zit-like marks above my right eye. Very attractive...not to mention the pain lightning down to my eyebrow.


Weddings are the subject of an upcoming Oprah show...extravagant celebrity bashes in particular. I myself have no desire to throw a million dollar gala for this particular event. In fact, given my way I will elope. Well not in the strictest sense of the word but I do want to run off to the Cook Islands or Key West with my husband-to-be and invite our friends. I want my immediate family there and his as well but that's about it.


Being the reasonable woman I am however I am willing to negotiate. If for some obscure twist of all laws of Nature I find a man who has heart set on a non-elopement wedding, I may be open to suggestions. However he'll have to understand I will be entitled to become a She-bitch for the entire planning process. Nobody wants that, I can guarantee it.


Yesterday had its ups and downs. I awoke at 5am for no particular reason which meant I was bound to be an ugly demon all day - I love my sleep. So I woke up, ran close to 4 miles and came home. Off I drove to a friend's house to work on an award submittal for which she paid me. And then I made my way to an interview where I was promptly told Spanish is basically a requirement. NOT what the ad said so I am afraid I'm back to square one. Keep your fingers crossed that something pops up this week.


This week I'm in Longmont to do some pet-sitting and finish up a couple of freelance projects. Should be fun times!

Crash

That's the sound my hard drive made yesterday. Yep, it all crashed into computer oblivion. I've been having issues for the last 4-6 weeks; GeekSquad has been to my house 6 times now. The MasterCard commercial would sound something like this:



Computer assistance from Geek Squad: $250


New hard drive, OS upgrade & installation: $286


Countless hours spent with a complete stranger on your couch: Priceless


Yep I spent over $500 on my laptop this month. What's that you ask? No, I don't have a job or steady income just yet. Yes it is sucking me dry. Sure, send donations. At this point I may even eat Spam to save some money. I'm pretty sure there is no real meat in there anyway!


But I'm sure everything will be ok. I'm doing my best to roll with the punches and hang in there. Please do feel free to send monetary or food donations!

WTF?

I'm watching Oprah right now and she's interviewing female teachers who have slept with their students. All I can say is WTF? Seriously how can you NOT see the issue here? If you are 30 years old, you shouldn't be sleeping with a 13-year-old. Ridiculous. It is beyond my comprehension that somehow these women thought this was ok, it was acceptable and in some cases, it was love. Yuck.


Granted there are times when I feel as though the men I date are about 13 but at no point are they actually 13 years of age. I suppose these women must have an emotional issue(s) but why is it that we don't call them pedophiles? Granted I don't feel they are pedophiles but I'm curious about the dichotomy. It's just a weird, weird topic.


I actually don't have a point about this one, I'm just posting because it's so revolting to me. I can barely wrap my brain around it.

One Minute

The last several years I have been on a quest: a quest to improve my life. Not a small feat I know but it is a worthy one. Admittedly some days I feel like Don Quixote chasing windmills but other days I know I'm on track. Saturday was one of those days.

Last week was a hard week for me. I didn't get two jobs I had felt confident about. And I felt like a bloated, beached whale but all women know we feel that way from time to time. It's part of the gloriousness of the female body. Anyway...I spent the weekend pet-sitting in Boulder. I didn't get to see any of my friends for a variety of reasons. I am trying to cut down on my TV viewing because it's bad for creativity..at least for me. So I found a book on the pet owners' shelf and dug in. This book is called The One Minute Millionaire by Robert Allen (author of "Multiple Streams of Income" and Mark Hanson (author of "Chicken Soup for the Soul" series). Some of you may have heard of this book. I had and had intended to check it out from the library but hadn't gotten around to it. I read it and read it and read it. There are some incredible concepts and ideas in this book.

I felt rather inspired reading it. You know that kind of inspired that makes your entire body tingle from head to toes and back again. I needed that inspiration because my mind had gotten stuck in desperation & scarcity mode. Shortly I will need to dig into my savings to pay bills and it's causing me to panic. It still is as a matter of fact but I'm turning that thought process around and focusing on abundance and prosperity, not scarcity. It's tough to do especially when you are smacked in the face with constant reminders of your lack of income.

But back to the book...the theme of the book is basically little things you can do to change your mindset, your habits and your objectives to become a millionaire. But the most compelling part of the book is the amazing emphasis on giving. Yes, giving. It has taken me a long time to realize money isn't evil, it isn't bad. In fact, it isn't anything at all...nothing but paper. This book emphasizes the importance of tithing, tithing your time, tithing your money. Giving is something I have always believed in. It is something that is a part of me and a natural part of my being. I'm a giver by nature and this book resonated with me because of that. How many of us really give 10% back? If our earnings are a gift from above then why not give 10% of that back? It's a way of thanking the Universe for its bounty and blessings. I don't believe I've given 10% back this year - I did last year and the year before that. So inspite of my low checking account balance, I will be making a donation tomorrow.

If you have the opportunity, buy a copy of One Minute Millionaire. It's worth the $21 price tag.

More to come children but for now, I am off to sleep...pleasant dreams.

Astrology & Depression

Most of you know I am interested in the occult, weird stuff and anything else deemed odd by the average person. Astrology falls in that realm. I recently had my birth chart read and discovered I am more Capricorn than Taurus (born towards the late middle of May, I have always thought of myself as a Taurus). I also learned a bit about depression & Capricorns.

Depression is a funny thing - it comes and goes for me. Mine is definitely situational and varies by the day. Today is particularly bad; I doubt I will even leave the house which is always a sign I am blue. Most people think depression is a bad thing and in some cases it is. It's never good if you'd prefer to through yourself in front of a moving bus than go on with your day. That's not where I'm at thankfully - I've left those days behind and in the shadows of my past.

I was told as a Capricorn I use depression as a tool. We Caps embrace it, feel it, suffer through it and come out rosey on the other side. We're quite a bit better for having endured it. I'm still on the embracing side of mine currently and need to watch some sappy ass movies to push me over the edge. Any movie with broken hearts is guaranteed to do it for me.

Today I can't seem to shut off my inner dialogue and she is a nagging BITCH right now. She wants to know where I am going to, what I am going to do and how in tarnation I believe I am going to support my self financially henceforth. And as I listen to her, I am torn and uncertain of where to go next in my career. My resume is a flippin' landmine and I am embarassed to discuss my work history. I've been gainfully employed for all but one year in the past seven..however not for longer than about 20 months with any one employer. That seems to be a sticking point for some.

I have wanted to freelance for some time now as most of you. I have started but it is slow going as is any new endeavor. In the mean time, I have bills to pay and an irksome roommate situation to deal with. I need to make a decent living so I can move out but I am not keen on going back to the corporate world. I am just here, trying to cope. And my mood is certainly not improving as the day progresses. I feel stuck, trapped and ensnared in a shitty world I've built for myself. Where I'll go from here is not known and I am having trouble coping with that. We Caps dig direction and purpose..we're not so much for the changes and unknown. Add that to my Taurus sun sign and we've got some deep-seated fear of change and a strong, strong resistance to the unknown. What can I say, I'm a solid earthy-based no nonsense kind of gal.

In any event, here I am wondering, pondering and generally feeling a malaise so strong I don't care for the sunshine of Denver nor the freelance projects I really should sink my teeth into. I need a distraction of some sort, something to make me feel better. It would preferable that it be a hot stud of a man but since the closest thing I have in that avenue is a Thursday night TV show with Jensen Ackles, I can't say it's exactly overflowing with candidates.

Another day and somehow I manage to cope. Here's hoping for brighter news tomorrow. Blessings to all of you (and thanks for reading; I do hope I haven't depressed you to the point of cliff jumping without a parachute).

Quiz Geek

Yep, I'm a quiz geek. I love those damn things! Any of those personality tests, online quizzes, any of it I love! So here's a 5er for Tuesday. Enjoy.

5 things in my refrigerator:

1. Chocolate soy milk

2. Vanilla Soy Milk

3. Orange & Passionfruit Juice with Calcium

4. Butter lettuce (yum!!!)

5. Pineapple

5 things in my closet:

1. 12 pairs of shoes (I know but they are almost all Payless or Target-bought which means they were about $15 each..not $400 Mahnolos)

2. A crapload of clothes...I have a tiny closet and they are all jammed in there. It's impossible to find anything. I need a new apartment.

3. My tent for camping. It's fantastic.

4. A box of scarves, wraps and my most fantastic fabulous pair of sparkly, strappy shoes.

5. A bunch of dresses. I wear the sundresses but not the dress-up ones. I don't have too many occasions to wear those.

5 things in my purse:

1. Non-petroleum lip gloss/chapstick stuff

2. Lipstick

3. Cell phone (usually)

4. Wallet

5. Pictures of my sister Alyssa, Leah's daughter Hannah and my baby cousin Caleb

5 things in my car:

1. a ton of slips of paper with directions to people's homes

2. a couple of VHS tapes

3. my rock climbing harness & chalk bag

4. a super oversized YMCA sweatshirt

5. my cute little red zip-up sweater

5 people that get tagged:

1. Ah, anyone who reads this

2. Another person who reads this

3. Maybe someone they refer

4. Hopefully another friend

5. YOU!

Warm Fuzzies

For those of you who know me well you know I love the TV series Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Love it as in own 6 of the 7 seasons and have seen every episode at least twice..probably three times. Perhaps it makes me a freak in some circles but those aren't circles I care to become intertwined in. In truth it's my comfort blanket; I watch it when I'm down or when I need to feel better about life in general. I can always count on Buffy to be dealing with worse life situations than I am. And besides it's cool to see a tiny blonde chick kick some ass. I admit it, I want to be Buffy. Ok maybe not be here because that would be weird but I'd like to be able to kick ass whenever necessary. Being all of 5'1" and miniscule in stature, I can't always take down the bad guys. So I live vicariously through Buffy.

So this week had its ups and downs; I went on several interviews and wasted more gas. I finished a freelance project but haven't heard from my contact if she was happy with my work. I'm not sure if she'll want to do more work together or not and that's disconcerting. I'm hoping for more because it will help me break further into the business writing field. And that my friends is where the money is. I may get a 2nd interview for a full-time writing job that would pay 10 Gs more than I was making and I have a 2nd interview for a part-time job that would pay enough to live on while I had some time for freelancing. We'll see what comes to pass I guess. I'm not very good at the unknown holding pattern I'm in.

No other news really; I should be doing some pet-sitting next weekend in a nearby town. That will give me a bit more cash which I need right now - so long as I don't get a ticket for running a yellow in that damn town. What's the deal with photo red lights? Jesus. Hate those damn things. Either every town's intersections should have them or they shouldn't be around at all. Hate 'em.

That's the news for now - nothing too exciting or entertaining to discuss. I could go into world affairs but I just don't have the energy for it right now. I've been woken up by my roommate & her boyfriend's bedroom escapades and haven't been able to fully rest this weekend. And THAT is for an entirely different blog.

Oprah

Regardless of what you all think of Oprah, I love her. She is the highlight of my unemployed self's day. Today we got to see the Vanderbilts including that hunky CNN anchor...I forget his name right now but you all know who I'm talking about. He's fabulous.

Besides watching, Oprah I have spent my days battling with my computer. She has been a brat of late and we've had to bring in outside assistance. It seems to have helped at least a bit. No more crazy error messages which read like Klingon. But I still cannot run a thorough virus scan and I'm fairly convinced there are some evil boogies floating around in the ether that is my hard drive. Ok, I know it's not ether at all but binary codings so bugger off. I'm not an idiot - I like ether more than binary codes k? Deal.

But the coolest thing I've been doing is partnering with a full-time writer on some projects. I hope to have a few more clips to post here. (Maybe someday I'll figure out how to link them but currently my brain refuses). Anyway, I have done some research (14 hours worth to be exact) on muscadine grapes (yes I do know most everything there is to know about them and yes you should eat them!!!). Next up is Asperger's syndrome. Fun times I tell you, fun times.

Actually it is fun. I am interested in any subject I haven't learned much about it and I'm particularly interested in alternative health and supplements. There's so much misinformation out there that I believe it's important to set the record straight on what products can do and can't. Knowledge is power people, knowledge is power.

That's the extent of my current life. Lots of interviews, some temp work, some writing projects and not a lot of money. Woo hoo, a big YAY me on that. Just kidding. It's going along just fine and I am confident of some income soon.
Oh yeah, I've decided I do NOT want to rekindle any old flame. Enough said.

Sacrifices

Well my dog days are over - back in Denver I am. Green eggs & ham...oops, sorry slipped off into Rhyme Release for a moment there. So I'm currently sitting outside of my apartment building on the cement patio between the two buildings. I get decent reception here but feel like an arse. I am effectively stealing and I feel like an azzhat for it. Oh well, someday I will pay for my very own wireless service. In the mean time, my azz cheeks are incredibly sore from sitting on cement. And no there aren't any community patio chairs out here. This is what I mean by sacrifices. (Let's also factor in that I am about 20 feet from the garbage dumpster - yep, sacrifices childrens, sacrifices).

And I've had to give up my organic food binges. I was an organic food junkie, I admit it. Organic produce is one thing but organic spaghettios? Yep, I ate 'em. One thing I won't be giving up is my organic non-meat products. Gotta have my veggie burgers from Morningstar. YUM.

So really I have very little to report, just wanted to post a new entry. My computer has been screwy for about 2 weeks now and I fear the worst: it is dying. She is about 5 years old so I could understand - that's about 115 in computer years. I've been backing up damn near everything I've saved on here - good thing I have a 215 MB thumb drive to save my ass. I knew it would come in handy. I would throw myself off of a cliff if I lost my 22,000 words of Maww book. I only need about 25,000 to 30,000 to finish her.

I spent all of last week in the beautiful mountains between Golden and Boulder. It was lovely albeit a bit lonely after the first 6 days. Dogs don't usually talk back so I was left to my own soliloquies. How in the bloody hell do you spell that word? I don't know but you get my meaning.

Other than that, not much in the way of news. Nothing on the job front really. I must not interview well - I've only had one callback from about 5 interviews I did. 20%. That's a crap batting average folks. I'm not impressed with myself.

There is a possibility I will be meeting with a woman who is a freelance writer this week. She makes good money at it and needs some help. She is looking to pay someone for some projects and also barter some resources in repayment for my writing services. Depending on when she returns from her mother's funeral, we are supposed to meet up. Well, I have to drive to Longmont but we're going to meet and see what kind of arrangements we can work out. Keep your fingers crossed - this could be the break I've been looking for. I want to write full-time from home if possible and she's doing it. She is also looking to mentor someone and pass along her knowledge. Send positive thoughts my way!!!

No love life news bulletins of course. I'm ok with that I guess. I have been talking to my X quite a bit. We never had trouble getting along, we had trouble fitting a relationship into his life. We'll see if any of that has changed. Regardless, we can at least be friends and that is a lot in my world.

So cheerio for now. Be well, travel safe & sleep tight. See you soon.
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End of the World

I was in church the other day (gasp!) and the pastor was speaking about the end of days. He wasn't talking about the upcoming end of the world days. He was saying the days are not coming, they are here. And as we live within them, we must learn how to get through them and carry ourselves forward...how to persevere and continue humanity in the face of a collapsing world and fallen morals.

It was an interesting way to view today's world events. There's a lot going on out there and he was trying to help us make sense of it. I don't know if his explanation cut it for me but there's nothing to be lost by living in that vein. And let's all say a prayer our fearless leader doesn't fuck things up any more than he already has. Maybe we should say a few prayers.

The general state of world affairs pretty much sums up my general state. I am dog-sitting in a little mountain home about 50 minutes outside of Denver. It's beautiful up here; the air is clear heavily scented with thick woodsy pine. And the view is breath-taking: the snow-capped peaks of the Continental Divide dot the skyline. It's incredible.

And I'm terribly lonely. I've had 5 or 6 job interviews within the span of roughly 2 weeks and I've had just one call-back. I don't feel like I'm getting closer to landing something and I'm running out of things to do with myself up here. My car is jacked up and shouldn't be driven if I can avoid it. So I'm stuck inside, online and watching TV. But I will be working on my book tomorrow and will hike with the dogs again so long as it stays reasonably cool up here.

And of course, I'll post again and update y'all. Thanks for bearing with me.